Starting Over

“Are you sure you want to go in?” Batey asked Catherine nervously. They had just pulled up outside Mr. Martin’s townhouse, which was obviously lively with opening-night cast members laughing and celebrating. “We can go somewhere… to talk, instead.”

Shaking her head, Catherine gave Batey a small smile. “I am so ready to just be a high schooler,” she explained. “I just want to go hang out with my friends and have a good time.”

As he bit his lip, Batey gave Catherine a grin. “I think that’s a great idea,” he lied, turning the ignition off. “Let’s do it.”

-----

The party at Mr. Martin’s house lasted until about eleven, when James began rallying the troops. He started whispering to everyone about an adult-free and alcohol-friendly environment at his house. The cast members quickly responded.

“Do you need a ride, Catherine?” Emma asked her. Catherine had been quiet and timid all evening, hiding most of the night in a corner not talking to anyone.

“I’ve got her,” both Batey and James answered Emma simultaneously, and then both laughed nervously.

Looking between the two boys, Catherine felt a little uncomfortable. “I could probably use some girl time, so I think I’ll go with Emma. But we’ll see you two soon.”

The car ride was quiet. After they first took off, Catherine looked at Emma and apologized for the scene with her mother backstage. “There’s stuff about Marcus you don’t-” she began, but Emma interrupted her.

“I kind of got that,” Emma tried to give a supportive laugh, but instead it came out some sort of weird grunt. “Anyway, are you okay?”

Nervously, Catherine nodded. “Yeah, I am now,” she told Emma. “I think… I think Marcus is out of my life for good.

Bobbing her head up and down for several seconds, Emma finally spoke. “So does that mean… you’re ready to… date again?”

“Why? Are you asking me out?” Catherine joked giving Emma a hearty laugh, making Emma crack a small smile. “Just kidding. But no,” Catherine said. “The last thing I need right now is to complicate my life further with dating. I think I just need some me-time.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” Emma replied, feeling guilty at her response, which was based largely in the hope that Catherine and Batey didn’t get together. “You just need time… to figure out what you want.”

“Exactly,” Catherine replied, completely naïve to any underlying intent on Emma’s part.

-----

The party at James’s house, while energetic, was limited to the fifteen or so people in the show, plus significant others, so it remained relatively drama-free. Catherine had been planning on spending the night at Emma’s house, but by the time Emma accepted her third cocktail, she admitted that she had told her parents she was staying at Catherine’s. Feeling like there was no reason to stay so reserved when surrounded by friends, Catherine accepted a couple cranberry vodkas.

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk more?” Batey caught Catherine in the kitchen. “Upstairs or outside or something?”

Trying to remember that Batey was just trying to be an understanding and supportive friend, Catherine reminded herself not to get annoyed with him constantly asking this question. “I really appreciate the concern, Batey,” she smiled. “But no, really. I’m happy just hanging out.”

Dejectedly, Batey downed a couple shots and several beers, and resigned himself to leaning against the wall and watching Catherine talk to others from afar.

“Hey, Batey,” James’s sister, April, walked up to him. She had obviously had her share of alcohol, as well. “How are you doing?”

“Hey, April,” Batey forced his patented smile to the girl he had known since she was in nursery school. “I thought you hated the theater crowd,” he teased her. “Aren’t there some football players just waiting to get their hearts broken by a young Miss DeLuca?”

Conceitedly, April smiled. “Probably,” she laughed. “It’s not like I give off signals, though. I can’t help it if God made me this hot.”

Forcing himself to not roll his eyes, Batey gave April a solemn nod. “It’s got to be hard,” he agreed mockingly.

“Well,” April leaned towards him and put a hand on Batey’s chest. “I mean, you know what it’s like to be totally hot. You understand.”

“How much have you had to drink, April?” Batey asked nervously, stepping away from the girl.

“Not that much,” April smirked, stepping right back up to Batey. “Just enough to get up the nerve to tell you what a big crush I’ve had on you since the school year started.”

“Ape,” Batey tried to deter the girl by using the nickname James’s had cruelly created for her in elementary school. “Come on, you’re like my little sister.”

Leaning over, April quickly pressed her mouth to Batey’s in a short, drunken kiss. “But I’m not your sister,” she replied, cocking her eyebrows.

-----

Catherine saw April stumble and plant a kiss on Batey from across the room. She was talking to Daniel and Ethan at the time, and tried hard not to stare. She had only spoken to April a few times since she’d moved to the area, but she knew she didn’t like the stuck-up girl. However, maybe it wouldn’t be awful for Batey if he made out with her; after all, he seemed to be talking about Lauren less and less as time passed. Maybe one random hook-up with an attractive, if vapid, girl would remind Batey that he had the right to be young and have fun.

“Hey Catherine,” James grinned as he walked up. “You looked a little lost in thought there. Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Catherine looked up and gave James a warm smile. “I’m fine, just a little drunk. But I think I need a smoke.”

“Me, too,” James smiled. “Grab your coat, and I’ll keep you company.” Nodding, Catherine pulled her jacket on and followed James outside.

As she pulled out a cigarette, James leaned over to light it. “You were really phenomenal tonight,” Catherine told him honestly. As Emma had told Catherine the first day they met, James did have the best voice in the school. He had stolen the show earlier that night.

Shrugging, James inhaled from his own cigarette. “Thanks,” he said casually. “But it’s really not a big deal. It’s not like a good voice is something I have to work for. It’s just… there.”

To others, it might sound like James was bragging, but Catherine realized the exact opposite was true. James had very little pride in his voice; it was just something he had been given, not something he had put effort into. She was sure he sometimes wished he’d been blessed without his natural gifts of a strong voice and beautiful looks. They were just things that made people believe James had everything going for him, when the truth was he often didn’t have much confidence in who he truly was.

“I thought you were great tonight, too,” James told Catherine as he leaned up against the exposed brick of the house’s exterior. “Even though what happened afterwards sort of confused me,” he admitted.

Nodding her head, Catherine immediately understood what James meant. Although she hadn’t told James much about Marcus, she had told him about the times Marcus had been violent with her. She could understand why James would be confused, and even a little hurt, by her friendliness towards Marcus after the performance.

“I’m not really ready to talk about it in depth,” Catherine began. “But just trust me when I say that, first of all, Marcus is completely different than he used to be. And second, I’m pretty sure this was the last time I’ll ever see him.”

With a flood of questions building in James, he forced himself to just nod. It was good to hear Catherine say that things between her and Marcus were finally over. He just wished she would talk to him about it more…

“So your sister sure seems into Batey, huh?” Catherine asked suddenly, taking James by surprise. When a confused expression passed over his face, Catherine felt like she might have said something wrong. “I mean, she seemed to be flirting with him pretty hard earlier,” she finished, trying to make sure she wasn’t saying something that would make James angry with Batey.

“Whatever is happening,” James replied dismissively. “It’s all April’s doing, I’m sure of that. She just wants to believe that there isn’t a man alive that doesn’t want her.”

“Oh,” Catherine replied, laughing. Her expression became more serious suddenly. “Well, while I’ve got you out here, I should take the opportunity to say thanks to you… Thanks for staying my friend, James,” Catherine told him softly. “I really appreciate it.”

Looking caught off guard, James gave her a small self-deprecating smile. “I appreciate you forgiving me for being a dick for a while. I’m sorry I was difficult in the beginning-”

“Wow, April is pretty trashed,” Batey came outside and interrupted the conversation. “But I’m pretty sure that now she’s hitting on Daniel. I told her he was gay AND has a boyfriend, but you know April…”

Looking a bit peeved, James gave Batey a small smile. “Sorry, dude,” he told him, even though he was internally willing Batey to leave him and Catherine to continue their conversation alone. Batey didn’t seem to be reading his unspoken signals, though. “April’s the spawn of the devil, I tell you.”

Glancing between the two boys, Catherine could tell there was a mild animosity, but she couldn’t figure out why in her haze of drunkenness, so she instead opted to leave the conversation. “I’m going to go check on Emma,” she told them, smiling as she walked back in the house.

“Bates,” James said after Catherine had retreated. “Dude, you just totally cock-blocked me.” Seeing the confused look on Batey’s face, James continued. “I just think… I think Catherine might finally be in a place where she and I can talk about seeing each other, and you-”

“I think Catherine might need more time,” Batey told James gravely, not even letting him finish his sentence. “She’s been through a lot, and she doesn’t need guys all over her right now.”

“Fuck off,” James replied quickly. “I like her. I’m not going to hurt her. So mind your own business.”

“Catherine is my business,” Batey said in a low voice, but changed his demeanor when he saw the expression on James’s face. “I mean, she’s my friend. And I just don’t want her to… to do anything she’s not ready for.”

“She’s a big girl,” James answered Batey angrily. “She can make her own decisions about what she is and isn’t ready for.”

“Fine,” Batey raised his hands in defeat. “Go ahead – try to fuck her tonight if you want. But just remember, she’s in a bad place right now – and she’s drunk tonight on top of it – so if you do anything to hurt her… it’s on your conscience.” That wasn’t exactly the way Batey had originally intended to finish that sentence, but he assumed it was best to stop there.

“As far as Catherine’s concerned,” James said through clenched teeth. “My conscience is clear. Keep that in mind when you’re talking to my baby sister, okay?” He stormed off before Batey could respond.

Dropping his head, Batey couldn’t figure out what to do now. He was alienating Catherine. He was pissing off his best friend. And he was standing alone outside on a cold December night, while a party of happy people celebrated inside the house. He was no better off than he had been a couple months ago, when he was with Lauren.

-----

Catherine was sitting on the couch between James and Sandy, and was having a great time. She’d cut herself off from any more alcohol about an hour ago, and the fuzzy haze was starting to clear up. A group of six or seven were all sitting around in the living room, talking and laughing. It was a very easy situation, and Catherine loved every minute of it. She didn’t even notice that Batey had wandered off about twenty minutes earlier until she looked up at the spot where he had been standing, silently leaning against a wall.

“Where you going?” James asked, looking unhappy to see Catherine standing up.

“Um, I’m going to use the bathroom,” Catherine told him. She didn’t mention that she was also going to look for Batey. The two boys seemed to be having some sort of argument for the last half of the party, though she didn’t know what it was about. Maybe it was about April. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Frowning slightly, James was pretty drunk by this point and disappointed to have Catherine walk away. Luckily, being as intoxicated as he was, his attention was fairly easily switched to new channels.

Peeking into the kitchen and the dining area and not finding him, Catherine wandered out back. “There you are,” she smiled at Batey, who was sitting alone at a picnic table, smoking a cigarette and drinking a beer. “Brrr… it’s freezing out.”

Looking up at Catherine, Batey gave her a small smile. “I hadn’t noticed,” he admitted. “What are you doing out here?” Like James, he had continued drinking all evening and was pretty well hammered by this point. “I thought you’d be inside… with James.”

Sitting across from him, Catherine brought a lighter up to her own cigarette. “He’s pretty lit,” she shrugged. “And it’s making him a little more touchy-feely than I’m down with right now.”

Suddenly, a big grin crossed Batey’s face. “So you two aren’t… you’re not going to start dating again?”

“Hi, wasn’t that you I was crying on in the school parking lot tonight?” Catherine replied sarcastically, but with no malice in her voice. “No, I’m not ready to date anyone,” she continued firmly. If she had been paying close attention, she would have noticed Batey’s jaw momentarily clench at the statement, but she was looking down at the table instead. “I don’t know when I’ll want to date again, but I know it won’t be for a long time.”

“But maybe you just need to find a different guy,” Batey drunkenly interjected, blushing as soon as the words left his mouth.

“Different? From who? From Marcus, or John, or James?” Shaking her head, Catherine let out a small giggle. “No, I think I’ve had more than my fill of guys for a while,” she said, more serious now. Looking up at Batey’s dejected expression, Catherine reached across the table and gently patted his hand. “Of course, you don’t fall into that category. I just meant guys that want to be more than friends.”

Forcing himself to smile, Batey nodded at Catherine. “Glad to hear it,” he made himself say.

“So, what was with that kiss between you and April earlier?” Catherine leaned in conspiratorially. “Is that where it ended?”

“Absolutely,” Batey barked back. He didn’t want Catherine to think for a minute that he was interested in April in any romantic – or physical – way. “She was just drunk. It wasn’t anything.”

“Calm down,” Catherine replied, looking a little confused at Batey’s insistent tone. “I wasn’t accusing you of anything. I actually thought it might not be a bad idea for you to have a little fun – innocently enough, of course; you don’t want to use her or anything. But some kissing could be a good thing.”

“I would never be interested in someone like April,” Batey said, his voice low but clear. “I need to be with a person who’s challenging and unique and mature – somebody who has real life experiences, who’s had things happen to them that they learned to overcome and become stronger from.”

“You know who that sounds like,” Catherine raised her eyebrows. She couldn’t hear that Batey’s heart was beating wildly in his chest now. “That’s Lauren. You still have feelings for her, huh?”

Closing his eyes, Batey willed himself to stay calm. “I guess so,” he resignedly told Catherine, opening his eyes again. “I guess I’m not as over her as I thought.”

Giving him a understanding nod, Catherine squeezed Batey’s hand. “It’s hard, I know,” she empathized. “But that’s what friends are for – to help us though hard times like these. And after all you’ve done for me… just know I want to be here for you, however you need me.”

“Thanks,” Batey gave Catherine a fake smile. “I’ll remember that.”

“Okay, well, it really is pretty cold out here,” Catherine said, rising. “I’m going to go inside now. Are you coming?”

“I’ll be inside in just a minute,” Batey replied and watched as Catherine retreated back into the party. Once she was inside, he dropped his head to the tabletop and threaded his hands together behind his head. “This is not good,” he muttered to himself. “This is not good at all.”

-----

Despite James acting a bit annoyed by the situation, Catherine insisted that she, Emma and Sandy would sleep in the basement. “It’ll be perfect,” she insisted. “Emma’s not really used to drinking,” she looked over at Emma passed out on the basement couch and giggled. “I can take care of her if she wakes up sick or anything.”

“Fine,” James grudgingly agreed. “Night.”

“Good night,” Catherine told him as she laid out some blankets on the floor for her and Sandy to sleep on. Throwing a comforter on top, and tossing two pillows down, Sandy and Catherine both lay down.

Sandy lay on her back and put her hand behind her head. “Did you have fun tonight?” She asked Catherine.

“I did,” Catherine replied lightly. “Did you?”

“It was great,” Sandy admitted. “I don’t remember when I had such a good time. But you looked… stressed a lot of the night.”

Glancing over at her friend, Catherine gave Sandy an appreciative smile. “Thanks for noticing,” she said genuinely. “But, no I had a great time. I just… I’m trying to figure out how to be friends with James now. I don’t want to date him right now… if ever.”

“Because of Batey?” Sandy asked innocently.

“What about Batey?” Catherine responded, the confusion evident in her voice.

“Because he likes you?” Sandy’s eyebrows were furrowed together. “I mean, he seems to like you. Is that why you don’t like James anymore?”

“Batey doesn’t like me like that,” Catherine dismissively told Sandy. “We’re just friends. And as for James… I just don’t want to date anyone right now. No one. Period.”

“Then that’s what you should tell him,” Sandy advised. “Just be straightforward. You can’t make him be your friend, but you can make him accept that you aren’t interested in a relationship or anything.”

Nodding her agreement, Catherine nodded her head. “Thanks, Sandy.”

“No problem,” Sandy replied. Then Emma let out a huge snore from the couch and both girls started giggling deliriously before settling to sleep.

-----

The play was performed nine times in total, including opening night. It was performed on Friday and Saturday nights, and Sunday afternoons, for three weeks straight. By the time the last curtain call had taken place, everyone seemed exhausted.

“I am so glad holiday break starts this week,” Catherine told Emma as they changed. “I don’t think I’d make it to a full week of classes.”

“Me, either,” Emma agreed. “So, is your family going anywhere for the holidays?”

“Nah,” Catherine shook her head. “We’re staying in town. You?”

“Unfortunately, my parents are forcing me to go with them to visit my older sister in Florida,” Emma explained. “She’s married to some Army guy, and they just had a baby.”

“Well, it looks like I’m going to be the only one in town,” Catherine leaned down to tie her sneakers. “Sandy, Dan, Ivana – they’re all going somewhere, too. The only people left besides me will be James, who will barely say more than two words to me anymore, and Batey, who’s just been… weird lately.”

Taking a deep breath, Emma willed herself to look over at Catherine. “Maybe he’s acting weird because… because he likes you.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Catherine waved her hand. “We’re just friends.”

Searching Catherine’s face, Emma could tell that the girl really believed her words. She didn’t know if she should push the issue, so she decided against it for now. “Well, either way, you might want to talk to him about it.”

Nodding, Catherine grabbed her things and headed towards the dressing room exit. “I will, later. For now, I’m just going to go home and sleep until dinner.” She grinned and waved as she left the room.

“She really doesn’t get that Batey likes her,” Emma told herself sadly. “I wonder how she would feel if she actually realized it.”

-----

On Christmas Eve, Batey called Catherine and asked if he could bring by a present for her. “Absolutely,” Catherine replied enthusiastically. “I have one for you, too.”

With her parents out doing last minute shopping, Catherine led Batey into the living room where his present from her lay amongst a plethora of intricately decorated gift boxes. “This one’s yours,” Catherine grabbed a box and handed it to Batey before sitting cross-legged on the floor.

Sitting down across from her, Batey pulled a small package from his pocket and handed to her. “This is yours,” he told her, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice.

“You go first,” Catherine insisted excitedly. Obligingly, Batey tore the gift-wrap off the box. Inside was a special-edition U2 two-CD set. He gave her a big smile.

“This is awesome,” Batey told her. “Thank you so much. Now it’s your turn.”

“Okay,” Catherine grinned, ripping off the wrapping paper to reveal a small green velvet box. Inside was a beautiful necklace – a white gold circle on a delicate chain. “Oh, Batey,” Catherine said, her eyebrows furrowing. “This is beautiful, but it’s too much.” Catherine knew how much the necklace cost because she had looked at it during a shopping excursion with her mother to the mall just the week before. “I can’t take this.”

“But I want you to have it,” Batey insisted, his eyes wide. “You’ve been such a good friend to me over the past few months. Please, let me put it on you…”

Searching Batey’s face, Catherine saw the excitement he was feeling by giving her the necklace. Finally, she let her face break into a smile. “It’s really gorgeous,” she told him, and had to laugh when a huge grin spread across his face. “Okay, put it on me, please.”

They both stood up and Catherine turned around, lifting her hair up with one hand to reveal her neck. Batey slid the necklace out of the box and draped it around Catherine’s neck, clasping it. He paused just momentarily to revel in the curve of her neck before letting her know it was on. “Turn around,” he insisted.

Looking down at the necklace, Catherine turned towards Batey. “How does it look?” she asked with a smile.

“Beautiful,” Batey whispered.

Still smiling, Catherine leaned over and gave Batey a hug. “Thank you so much,” she said, feeling his arms wrap around her. “And Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” Batey breathed into her hair. As Catherine pulled back, he looked down on her. She looked so beautiful at that moment. He began to lean down and felt his lips touch hers.

But Catherine jumped back immediately. “Um, what the hell was that?” she asked nervously, looking at Batey with confusion.

“I, um,” Batey’s head was spinning. “I… I’m sorry, Catherine. I didn’t mean to take you by surprise, but… but…”

“But what?” Catherine demanded. Her face was flushed, and she looked like she was about to cry. This was not the reaction Batey had imagined the many times he had pictured what their first kiss might be like. Catherine looked hurt and bewildered.

Forcing himself to think clearly, Batey looked at Catherine. “I like you,” he began softly. “I mean, I really like you, Catherine. I’ve been developing feeling for you for a while now, but-”

Cutting him off, Catherine’s voice sounded tense. “No, Batey, you don’t,” she insisted. “We’re friends, and you’re still upset about Lauren. It’s not a big deal. We’ll just forget it ever happened.”
Looking into Catherine’s eyes, Batey could see the look of a trapped animal in them. He had the urge to agree with her, to back off and let it go. But he couldn’t. “I’m sorry Catherine,” he shook his head and gave her a wry smile. “But you’re wrong. I do like you, and it is a big deal.”

Suddenly, Catherine looked heartbroken. Her eyes filled with tears as she started yelling at Batey. “Why?” she demanded. “Why would you do this? You’re my best friend. You know everything about me! Why would you fuck with that?”

Not knowing what to say, Batey raised his shoulders slightly. “Catherine, that’s exactly it,” he tried to explain. “We are best friends. We do know everything about each other. Wouldn’t that make the best foundation for a relationship?”

Shaking her head, Catherine’s eyes were glassy as she looked at Batey. “I don’t want a relationship right now,” she told him sadly. “I don’t want a relationship with anyone at all. I just want my friendship with you.”

“I’m sorry, Catherine,” Batey replied despondently. “But whenever I’m with you, I want to touch you. I want to know what it feels like to kiss you. I… I can’t help that.”

With tears running down her cheeks now, Catherine looked at Batey with fear in her expression. “So, does that mean that you don’t want to be friends if I don’t want…”

“No,” Batey tried to explain. “It just means that I can’t help feeling this way about you.”

Looking down at the floor, Catherine seemed to be thinking things over. Slowly, she reached up and unclasped the necklace, pulling it from her neck and holding it out to Batey. “Here,” she told him, forcing it into his hand. “It was too expensive. I can’t keep it.”

Knowing what the symbolism of this action meant, Batey quietly nodded. “Okay,” he said despairingly. “I guess I should go, then.”

“I guess so,” Catherine said without meeting his eyes.

“Merry Christmas, Catherine,” Batey told her when they reached the door.

“Merry Christmas,” Catherine replied, her voice devoid of emotion as she closed the door behind Batey.