A New Perspective

Lisa: Where we are from, hot as in attractive is spelt with two "t's" sorry for the
confusion! You have a lot of great questions! Hopefully they will begin to be answered in
the next few chapters! I hope you had a great easter as well and I hope you enjoy the new
chapter!! Thanks as always!

Keran: I'm so glad you like my story!! It's a hard balance with Noah, because he's never
liked anyone before so he can't really compare his feelings with anyone, but at the same
time he analyzes the shit out of everything. So I hope I get that balance right! I'm glad
you can relate to Rowan, he is an interesting creature and he definitely makes sure no one
knows whats going on in his head, even himself a lot of the time. HOPEFULLY, this
chapter gives you a bit more insight _ please review again!!!

GG: I'm so happy you liked it!!! I wanted to give you readers something to get excited
about _. Their games are odd, and they know it, their just in deep deep denial haha. You
probably wont figure out why Rowan said that just yet, but I promise it will be explained
eventually! Enjoy the next chapter!

Eatmorefish: sorry about that I'm kinda new to the whole aff thing! Thank god Asher
knows everything about it, I had to have him change it for me, cause I couldn't figure it
out. So now you can review all you want! And I hope you do! It makes me ecstatic that
you can feel the tension between them, cause it is seriously strong. What side of the
mental health issue did you want explored more? I was kind of confused. Glad you like
the cuddling; I promise there will be plenty more in the future! Please review again!!

* * * * * * * * * * * *


I'm freaked out.

I told myself I wouldn't think about it.

But I have.

A lot.

I am attracted to Rowan Chevalier and there is nothing I can do about it. Seriously. I
tried. Like, telling myself that I was just being paranoid. I tried focusing on things I
didn't like about him, or how much he could annoy me. I tried telling myself that there
was no point in finding him attractive, because he is straight. I tried staying out of the
room as much as I could. I tried avoiding him.

But now he's standing in front of me, his hair is dripping wet and his pale skin is
glistening with water from the shower he just took. He has a towel wrapped around his
small waist, just below the beginning of his A-line. His cheeks are still flushed from the
heat of the water, and he's sucking on one of his snakebites. And honestly there is not
one thing I don't find attractive about him. Not one thing I would change. I can't avoid it
any longer.

I look away as soon as I get a hold of myself, trying to focus on the essay I am writing
instead of him standing there, all perfect and everything. Also, I refuse to let him see me
blush, or get a hard-on just from staring too long. That would be horrible.

Why does everyone always fall into some sort of infatuation with Rowan? I mean, I've
found people aesthetically pleasing, but I don't think I've ever found ANYONE attractive
before. Like attractive in the manner that I just want to reach out and touch his smooth
skin. And here I am sitting on my bed, my fingertips tingling.

I feel sort of sick. Every time I think about him, I feel sort of sick.

If he ever finds out about this he is going to eat me up and spit me out, just like everyone
he's ever dated. Seriously, Rowan has already taken advantage of me multiple times and I
wasn't even attracted to him then, well at least I didn't realize it.

Not that I think he does it on purpose, cause I really don't. But still he does it.

He's changing now.

Essay. Essay. Essay.

Laaaa tee deeee Laaaa teee daaaaa.

"Why do you look like your listening to music?" Rowan asks, confusion crossing his
brow.

I look up startled; I kind of forgot he could see me here for a second. " Oh..umm..I was
humming..internally.." I manage to stutter. Snap out of it! This is Rowan, the kid you've
lived with for the last year and a half!!

"Wow you are so talented!" He grins sarcastically. He has a drop of water running down
his cheek beside his ear, I forget to grin back. He doesn't notice though, thank god.

Ever since "the incident" which is what I have dubbed it in my brain, I have a heightened
sense of awareness around Rowan, I know where he is and what he is doing at all times.
Making it nearly impossible to get anything done. Like right now. I should be writing an
essay, but instead all I can focus on is my peripheral vision of him staring intently at his
computer and biting at his fingers.

Is this what its going to be like for the rest of college?! I'm freaking myself out again.

Shit I wish I could turn my brain off.

Maybe Rowan is bisexual? Even then I know I still wouldn't be his type. He'd like some
tall, lanky, pasty, pierced, badass, douche bag in a band who only eats Doritos or some
shit like that. The opposite of me.

That's okay though its not like I even want anything with him anyways, I just find him
attractive, I'm not in love with him or anything and there is no chance in hell he has any
feelings for me. If I told people what happened between Rowan and I they would
immediately believe that he's in love with me or at least likes me, but he seriously isn't. I
know Rowan sometimes even better than he even knows himself, and the only time he
ever thinks about me, is when he's on top of me. Other than that, Noah Ian Exavier does
not cross his mind.

Rowan gets up off the bed, and crouches towards the floor, rifling through the box of
food he has underneath his bed. He sighs with disgust and I see him turn towards me out
of the corner of my eye. He walks towards my bed.

Please don't come near me.

Too late, he pushes me over with his butt and sits down beside me, nuzzling my shoulder
with his head; I get a knot in my stomach. Maybe he does find me attractive.. maybe he's
missed me this week and it made him realize that he's like in love with me or something.
He looks up at me with a pouty face. "What?" I ask my heart pounding. "I want
something salty and crunchyyyyyy" he whines, imitating eating something by bring his
hand to his mouth and mashing is teeth together.

Oh, he wants food.

"Do you want me to go get you something at the store?" I ask, I could use a few minutes
out of this room, plus I know he'll be super excited about whatever I get him. Which is
always satisfying to watch.

"Only if you want too" he looks at me hopefully, his intense blue eyes staring into my
grey ones.

"Yeah I don't mind" I respond pushing my computer off my lap and standing up to put
my shoes on. He hands me the credit card.

"Get something for yourself too!" he yells as I walk out the door.

* * * * * * * * * *

Around twenty minutes later I am back in the room, my arms full of junk food. Rowan
goes through food fast and he likes a combination of different textures and tastes, so if I
want to please him, I always have to pick out at least three different things. To be honest
though, he'd probably be happy with just one, but I would know that he'd be even
happier with two or three things, so I really can't help myself.

His eyes light up as he looks at the pile of food I am holding. He rubs his hands together
and sits up a little straighter; he always looks really young when he does that. I walk over
to his bed and hand him his food individually, "Combos for your salty crunchy needs,
Sour straws for your chewy sour needs, Twix for you chocolate caramel needs, and a
raspberry water for hydration." I smile at him and walk to my side of the room quickly,
so he doesn't have a chance to grab me and hug me, or something. I'm safe on my bed,
he wont be moving from his for a while, with his computer, food and water to keep him
company.

"Oh My Gosh, you're fucking amazing Noah!" he says delighted as he starts ripping
open packages. I can't help but smile, he can be too easy to please sometimes. I do love
when I'm the one doing it though. I think that might be why people love Rowan so easily,
well at least one of the reasons; he can be really good at making you feel like you made
his day, hour, or even minute. I've never heard myself referred to as amazing, awesome,
or incredible so often in my entire life before I met him. Sometimes it bothers me though,
cause Rowan is a series of extremes, opposites, and contradictions. As a result when he
tells someone their awesome, he's thinking the exact opposite about himself. It's amazing
how thick his wall can be, I thought I had a wall before I met Rowan, but now I'm not so
sure.

A few minutes later he looks over at me, "Didn't you get anything?" he asks, as I
continue to try and type my essay with one hand, and my nondominant hand at that. Its
slow going.

"Oh, no. I'm not really hungry, but thanks for the offer" I smile politely at him.

"Noah cut the bullshit, you're always hungry, now come over here and get some stuff" he
orders. Sometimes I wish he didn't know me so well, then I wouldn't have to get up
from my comfy spot and go get a handful of combos, but I know if I don't he's not going
to stop hounding me.

Right before my hand reaches into the bag he grabs my wrist, "hey are you okay?" he
asks concerned, and I wish for the second time in two minutes that he didn't know me so
well.

"Yeah, I'm fine" I answer focusing on the bag of combos instead of his gaze. Shit, I wish
I could just look at him, he's going to know something's up if I don't. But I can't, I don't
like lying to people, especially when I am staring into their eyes, and especially when its
Rowan. He lets go of my hand.

"I know your not" he states still looking at me, as if I'm going to answer. I'm not. I will
never tell anyone my problems unless they hound me for like an hour or give me an
ultimatum or some shit, and so far, no one has had the patience for that. I don't blame
them, but I can't change the way I work. Rowan has at least come close, I know its just a
matter of time until he figures it out.

I recede back to my bed and eat the food slowly; It actually doesn't taste very good right
now anyways. Rowan is sucked into his computer screen for the rest of the night, which
allows me to relax a bit. Eventually I fall asleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I spit the remainder of the toothpaste that was in my mouth into the sink and rinse.

I look back at my reflection in the dirty bathroom mirror. I scowl at what I see.

"Hey, Rowan!" Some unrecognizable guy salutes to me as he saunters into the bathroom.

I put on the biggest grin that I can "Sup, guy. Ready for the semester to be over or
what?" I pull a face of dramatic dread and the other laughs.

"You know it!" It's easy to do this - throw around terms and phrases that hook people in.

I'm not an introspective person. I never have been. I wish I were because I'd probably
understand others better. I'm good at reading people like, if they're happy, upset, nice and
mean and all that jazz, but thought processes, causes and reasons are lost on me.
Sometimes I think that I'm like everyone else, that no one really knows what's going on in
the minds of others. But then there's Noah. Noah can read others, Noah can understand
others, Noah is sympathetic to others, Noah gets people. He's friendly, he's sweet, he's
empathetic, compassionate, thoughtful and just an all around great guy.

I'm not.

I don't work hard, I don't understand others and I certainly am not the best at being
consistent for people.

I take one last look in the mirror and exit the bathroom. Time to go face Noah in the
room. At least I won't have to put on a smile. Sometimes I just don't feel like smiling and
people seem to think that I must be unhappy or depressed or something but that's not it.
Sometimes I just feel like smiling, and sometimes I don't. Just like, sometimes I don't
feel like laughing and other times its impossible for me to stop. Noah gets it. He know
that me not smiling doesn't mean that I'm upset, and that when I'm laughing my ass off it
doesn't mean that I'm not a little heartbroken about something. I shuffle out of the
bathroom and down the hall towards our room.

"Hey, sexy." A real smile tugs at my lips as I open the door to our room and greet Noah.
He's doing something sweet like sitting or breathing or existing.

"Hey." Noah puts on a smile, but I can tell its one of those smiles that Noah uses just to
avoid questions. So naturally I question him.

"Baaaaby, what's wrong?" I flop next to Noah on his bed and lay myself so my head is on
his lap. I even take his uninjured hand and flop in onto my head so he knows I want him
to play with it. It might seem rude to do that to someone who is so obviously not okay,
but I've found that Noah opens up easier if people aren't looking specifically at him. And
Noah opens up even more so when both him and I seem to be distracted.

"Nothin'." Noah sighs, but we both know that I will not give up until he tells me, it's more
of a show really, not in a faux-humble or in an ostentatious way, but Noah is a very
private guy, he's quiet and he hates to idea of burdening others with his problems. He's
sensitive like that.

"Talk to me, Noah, you know that I don't mind." I urge, but use a soft voice. He has to be
eased in to this, the environment has to be still and warm and the light has to be just right.
I wait silently, for a while, but I can't tell that today, he's just not going to crack, whether
or not he wants to, he can't. He's getting restless and uncomfortable.

I move my position to my skinny single bed to do more of nothing; I don't even know
why I bothered brushing my teeth. Probably so at the end of the day I can tell myself,
well at least my mouth is clean.

I flip open my computer and maneuver my way to Netflix.com. I have this thing for lame
TV shows like Ally McBeal. People think shows like that are shallow; therefore if you
watch them, you're shallow too. The truth is that I can't think about my life, not for a
second. So I overload my brain with Failblog.org, eternal small talk with strangers and
the 'random article' button on Wikipedia.

It's a coping mechanism, really.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

(Sorry if this chapter seems to be cut short at all, I just have a ton of shit going on, but I
didn't want to keep you all waiting for an eternity. So here it is! Enjoy! Also I had Asher
change my settings so if you're not logged in, you can still review!)