Ennui

Li woke to Seth groaning in agony and clinging to him. “Are you okay?” he whispered when he found his voice.

“My head hurts,” Seth whimpered. “I haven’t been drunk in centuries. I had forgotten why I quit.”

Li caressed Seth’s hair. “Is water okay? Aspirin?”

“Water I can do, not pills, though. They won’t do anything.” His voice sounded as if it hurt him to talk.

Li thought a moment. “If I dissolve it in the water?”

“Maybe,” Seth’s voice was a sob.

Li kissed the top of Seth’s head. “I’ll be back.” He slid out of bed, moving slowly while Seth clung and quicker when Seth buried his face in the pillow. He stopped by the bathroom and picked up their clothes to toss in the washing machine. After starting it, he poured a small glass of water and ground up aspirin between two spoons until it was as fine as he could make it. He grabbed a larger glass of water before returning to the room.

“How much did we drink?” Seth asked as he sat up. He flinched and held his head, kneading, his face a study of pain.

“Three beers each,” Li replied. “I only had a six pack. Here. It’ll probably taste nasty, but it might help.”

“Why are you dressed and I’m not?” Seth muttered, accepting the glass.

Li shrugged. “You were asleep before we got out of the shower. I never did develop the knack of dressing people in their sleep. I also thought you’d be more comfortable if I had something on, at least.”

Seth nodded, just dropping his chin, before downing the contents of the small glass. He pulled a face and Li traded out the glasses. When he finished the plain water, he slid down into the bed again. “If it helps, it’ll be worth it.”

Li caressed Seth’s hair and shoulders. “I have work to do, but if you need me, just holler.”

As Li was standing, Seth asked, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”

Li bent over the bed. “Do you want me to?”

Seth’s mouth curled up slightly. “Please. It’ll help.”

“It will?”

“Yes, it will,” Seth declared, turning his face so Li could kiss him easily.

Li bent over and kissed Seth, glad for the chance, but confused by it. “Rest a little longer. Your clothes are in the wash. They’ll be done in an hour or so.” He kissed Seth again, unable to leave it at just one. “I’ll pull out a pair of shorts and a tee for you if you want to get up before then.”

Seth smiled and burrowed back into the bed. “Thanks,” he whispered, his eyes closed, his breathing slow.

Li caressed his hair before standing and pulling a pair of cut off sweats and a tee from his dresser. Since he was bigger than Seth and the sweats had a drawstring, he figured they’d fit better than anything else he owned. He closed the bedroom door behind him and went to his desk. The surface of it was littered with papers, notes, pens, books, cables and other paraphernalia of his trade. Though it took longer than normal, he was soon engrossed in his work to the point where he was completely unaware of what else was going on in the apartment.

After about half an hour, the pain in Seth’s head began to subside. He opened his eyes and glanced around the room without moving his head. The furniture was dark, heavy woods that looked more well-used than well-cared for. The comforter was a solid blue and the sheets a soft grey jersey knit. Seth smiled at the mixture of comfort and practicality.

Another half an hour and Seth felt he could get up. He dressed in the clothes left for him. The sweats were baggy on him and the tee-shirt long, but it was oddly right to be dressed in Li’s clothing, as if it partially filled the need to be with the man.

That thought brought back the memory of what had happened the night before. His mind replayed the scene, the movies, the drinking, the kissing, the touching. He remembered admitting he was scared and Li holding him, comforting him simply. The pain in his head surged and his mind stalled, returning to what had happed. He had not intended to take blood from Li, nor had he intended to move their relationship so far forward. It wasn’t supposed to be like this yet.

He forced his mind forward, to waking up with Li dressed because he thought Seth would be more comfortable, to Li not kissing him until he asked for it. As the pain in his head eased, he realized Li was holding to their agreement. He panted a couple of moments, forcing his mind to focus on that. He rubbed his head and raked his fingers through his hair before opening the door and leaving the room.

Seth’s eyes went right to Li, sitting at his desk, focused on whatever he was doing on the computer. A moment of pain flared through him when he wasn’t greeted as he came out of the room, followed by relief. Li wasn’t sitting there waiting for him. He was living his own life, doing what he needed to do. He padded across the living room and sat in one of the couches, watching Li work, wondering when the other man would notice him.

Li’s mind was focused, reading information as fast as it came up, responding, programming, replying to instant messages and email as they arrived, muttering under his breath or aloud most of the time. It was almost two hours before he looked to the side of the desk where the couch was for a piece of paper and saw Seth sitting there. “Oh,” he mumbled. “I’ll be done in about two more hours. Sorry.” He smiled sheepishly.

Seth shook his head. “It’s fine. I’m enjoying the running commentary.” He smiled. “When you’re finished, if you can, you can fill in the story?” he asked.

Li laughed. “If you want to hear it. It’s pretty dull and standard.” A soft chime drew his attention back to the screen. “About two hours,” he repeated and buried himself again in his work.

While he watched, Seth felt relief that he wasn’t the focus of Li’s attentions, that there were other things that demanded his time. He didn’t want to be a ‘one and only’ reason for being.

He curled up on the couch so his still aching head was resting on the arm and watched Li work, letting his thoughts play through his mind. He was afraid of what they were developing. He was afraid that something would push them apart. And, in the seconds he could be honest with himself, he knew it would be him.

Li stretched, lacing his fingers over his head as he leaned back over his chair with a groan. “How’s your head?” he asked, turning to face Seth while he shook out his hands.

“Better,” Seth said, pushing himself to sit upright. “I haven’t had anything to drink in…years.” He stood and walked over to where Li was starting to stand by his computer. “Thank you,” he whispered and wrapped his arms around Li’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder.

Li hesitated a second before wrapping his arms around Seth in return. “You’re welcome.” He hadn’t expected Seth to be willing to touch him again after what had happened. He thought the other man would be cold, distant, denying the whole incident or perhaps blaming him for it. Relief was sweet, and he savored it while Seth let him hold him.

“Did you have plans for the rest of the night?” Seth asked after a long pause. He didn’t move away from Li, just asked where he was resting.

“I was going to the gym,” he replied. “But otherwise, no. I was going to tell you about the work, but it didn’t come up last night and you didn’t seem in the condition to hear it when you woke up.”

“That’s fine,” Seth sighed. Another pause and he added, “I think we need to discuss what happened.”

“When you’re ready,” Li agreed softly.

Seth moved back. “Now, if you don’t mind,” he said softly, though a tread of command laced through his voice.

Li frowned. “I’d like to be at the gym in about two hours.”

Seth had the grace to blush at the tacit reprimand. “Is now good?” Li wasn’t someone he could order around. Seth remembered his statement he’d change what he did but not who he was. Li was not his servant.

“We can start and if we don’t finish, we can pick it up tomorrow.” Li guided them to the couch, sitting Seth on one end and moving to the other end himself. “I promised you I wouldn’t push,” he reminded Seth.

Seth curled up, wrapping his arms around his legs, looking very young and lost in the oversized clothing. He rested his chin on his knees. “I told you I was afraid,” he murmured when Li didn’t say anything.

“Yes,” Li said, his voice holding a question.

Seth rubbed his arms, curling tighter on himself, his eyes locked on the couch. “I…something that I’ve been realizing…the type of relationship you want…deserve…I’ve never had one.” He looked up and it seemed to take a great deal of effort. “I’m…I don’t know how…or anything.” He laughed brittlely.

“Never?” Li asked, unable to hide his surprise.

Seth shook his head, not verbally answering.

Li moved toward Seth, reaching out to touch his arm before wrapping the trembling man in a tight hug. “Why are you afraid?” he asked softly, his lips brushing Seth’s hair.

Seth gripped Li’s shirt and pressed into his chest. “I…I made them go.”

“Do you want me to go?” Li asked.

“No!” The denial was almost a scream of terror.

Li tightened his arms around Seth’s quaking form. “Good, because I won’t.”

“What’s wrong with me?” Seth whined, a sob catching in his voice.

“I wish I knew to tell you,” Li murmured, trying to comfort Seth by rubbing his back.

They sat on the couch the rest of the night. Li never made it to the gym. Seth had just stopped shaking when he murmured, “Dawn’s coming.”

Li glanced to the windows, still only covered with regular curtains. “Do you want to go back to your room?” he asked.

“No time.” His breathing was noticeably slower than it had been, his muscles much more lax.

Li gathered Seth up and carried him into his room. By the time he put the man in his bed, Seth was completely still. Li watched him sleeping a moment before slipping out of the room to check his email.

To his surprise, a message was in his inbox from Jonas. He hadn’t heard from him since Jonas left him. It was a one line message, one that made Li wonder just how close Jonas was. He replied before he turned off his monitor and went to bed.

To: Jonas LaPoint
From: Li Matthews
Re: (No subject)

Slowly, as it should be.

>Have you cracked his shell?