A Carton of Cigarettes and a Bag of Double Bubble

8

I swear to Jesus I didn’t even fuckin’ know what to do, it was like fuckin’ depression came on and wouldn’t motherfuckin’ let me go. Even when I climbed in the back of the cab and told him just to fuckin’ drive, the bastard turned around and gave me the goddamned once over before flipping the flag down and taking off.
The fuckin’ city flashed by me, the lights, the fuckin’ people, all the hell else that was there, just a fuckin’ blur. I noticed we were getting close tot he club I had went to Monday so I fuckin’ paid the guy and got out. It was only like a fuckin’ block to the club so I walked kinda slow, you know, not a fuckin’ care in this world. I got to the fuckin’door and just fell against it. I rested my face on it, it was fuckin’ cool to the touch, I could hear the music playing throught he door. I was wishing I had just stayed with Tina, the first fuckin’ night we went back to her apartment, I shoulda just stayed right beside her on that couch.
No, me being a stupid, psycho motherfucker, I had to keep my fuckin’ chivalry. I started crying again, my shoulder was killing hell, I hadn’t slept in three fuckin’ days other than when I had passed out, been fuckin’ knocked out, or down for the count of some shit. I was so goddamned tired. I think that was Wednesday night, but I’m not sure it might have been Tuesday, though, I’m pretty fuckin’ sure it was Wednesday because I saw a church letting out earlier.
I had bled through my vest leaving a red spot on the oak door of the club. I didn’t fuckin’ care, it was probably just one of many bloodstains in that building, I just fuckin’ took a deep breath and pushed the door open. The club was just like I had left it, choas was fuckin’ jumping all around the room. I just fuckin’ pushed my way through the storm to the bar. I plopped down on a goddamn stool and ordered a Bicardi, the guy behind the fuckin’ bar looked at me, and was about to fuckin’ ask for my ID when I slipped a twenty across the bar. He fuckin’ nodded and went to get my drink. Bastard, anybody will fuckin’ do anything in New York if you wave some fuckin’ cash under their noses long enough.
I felt a light hand fall on my back and I spun the stool around, and lo and behol dit was two of those fuckin’ cheerleaders I had seen with John and Ronald.
“Hey H.C. heard about what you did to John, that sure took some balls.” The one that was fuckin’ talking to me was blond, the other had long beautiful red hair, both were abso-fuckin’-lutley gorgeous. I just took a drink of my Bicardi, I was so goddamned depressed I was didn’t even get nervous. The other one spoke.
“Yeah, maybe your not that bad of a guy. Anyway Alicia and I were wondering if you would like to dance.” She put a hand on my vest, then screamed when she saw I was bleeding like a stuck bastard. I leaned back and fuckin’ lit a cigarette. They were both staring at me like I had fuckin’ lost my mind. My fuckin’ mind was reelling, I didn’t even know which way was up. I just started fuckin’ saying the first goddamned thing that came to my mind. I was full on psycho about then.
“You know, in my eyes, indisposed, in disguises no one knows, lies the face, lies the snake, indescending my disgrace.” They started to fuckin’ back up. I stood up and smashed the glass on the floor, and started trying to do a ballroom dance. People were looking at me like I was a fuckin’ nut. I kept right the hell on fuckin’ singing, but I was fuckin’ screaming it now.
“Boiling heat, somber stench, ‘neath the black the sky looks dead, call my name through the cream, and I’ll hear you scream again.” I could already feel the goddamned bouncer ready to leap on me and through me outta the fuckin’ club. I didn’t care, I was fuckin’ high as a kite and I wasn’t coming down yet. I threw my head back and screamed the chorus.
“BLACKHOLE SUN WON’T YOU COME AND WASH AWAY THE RAIN, BLACKHOLE SUN WON’T YOU COME, WON’T YOU COOOOOOMMMMEEEE!”
I felt the hands tearing me away, and heard a fuckin’ grunt of disgust when the hands found the goddamned bloody spot on my vest. The next fuckin’ thing I know is I’m laying out in the middle of the sidewalk. There was no fuckin’ night or day anymore, just fuckin’ chaos, and I was the goddamned king of it all. This was my fuckin’ city, didn’t they know that? With one wave of my hand the psycho king to throw all those motherfuckers out of New York.
I was laying there, fuckin’ bleeding alot, I think I was fuckin’ suffering from bloodloss, I was goddamned cold. Somewhere above me I saw a fuckin’ mob of teens from the club, goddamned thing musta closed, then I see those two girls looming up over me, I fuckin’ heard one of ‘em tell the other something.
“Christ, he really is a psycho, isn’t he?” They started laughing and walked off.
In the darkness, a fuckin’ rictus of a smile tore across my fuckin’ face. Finally somebody in this goddamned shithole of a city understood. I closed my eyes and I swear to Jesus I thought it was snowing. I opened my eyes and all around me I could fuckin’ see white. Now this was smack fuckin’ damned in the middle of summer, but I swear to Jesus I saw it. I fuckin’ saw it falling all around me. I started shivering, I fuckin’ pulled my vest tighter around me and hugged my fuckin’ knees. I was still laying on the goddamned sidewalk when I saw something laying beside me on the sidewalk, my copy of “Catcher in the Rye”.
I fuckin’ picked it up and held it close to my face. The white cover blended in motherfuckin’ perfect with the snow on the ground. I felt like I was fuckin’ lost in a blizzard and I would never find my way out again. Damn, I felt horrible. I looked at my watch, it was three in the morning, I had gone almost four goddamned days with hardly any sleep. Didn’t fuckin’ matter to me, I remembered my conversation with the mirror, I had to fuckin’ keep on burning.
I flung myself up off the damned sidewalk and stuck my book back in my vest. If I was fuckin’ gonna tear myself apart so be it. I felt like tearing something up. I walked a coupla blocks before I found another cab. I was going uptown for the rest of the fuckin’ night, I had fuckin’ decided it was all gonna end that night. I told the cabby to head to the fuckin’ jungle, I got the damned once over again then off we went. The further uptown we got the more fuckin’ rundown the buildings got. The movie theatres changed before my eyes to fuckin’ porno theatres. When I was fuckin’ sure I was deep enough in that I wouldn’t get back out alive, I paid and climbed out.
“Hey, kid, you sure you wanna get out here? Its a rough place.” I turned around and fuckin’ looked at him a minute.
“Thats what I’m praying, man.” He yelled something at me when he sped off sounded like ‘your life, mac’ but I don’t know for sure. Didn’t fuckin’ matter anyway. All I was looking for was somebody I could fuckin’ fight to the death with, I’m a fuckin’ old-fashioned kinda guy you know.
It was still fuckin’ snowing to me, and from the fuckin’ blizzard I saw about five black guys coming my way. Yipikayay, motherfucker, this was it. I was so goddamned sure of it I gripped my knife in my vest. I was right, no sooner than they spotted me they started giving me the rundown about how this was their fuckin’ turf, and they didn’t want no cowboys fuckin’ it up. I didn’t even fuckin’ wait, I jumped the one behind me and stabbed the fucker in the guts.
“Oh, Shit!” one of them yelled and the next thing I know is I’m fuckin’ fighting for my life. The music fuckin’ screaming, I fuckin’ slashed with everything I was worth. The snow was blurring their faces out, all I heard was screaming. Then I’m standing over two fuckin’ bodies and I see three others running back into the blizzard, back to where the fuckers came from to start with. There was so much fuckin’ blood on the street, it fuckin’ stained the snow man. I mean fuckin’ red snow, like a goddamned snow cone. I just looked down, put my fuckin’ knife back in my sheathe, looked at where I had been cut across my already fucked up shoulder and moved on.
I decided right then and fuckin’ there that if I could make it back to Tina’s I could fuckin’ ask her to marry me and spend the rest of my life with her. If not then it was just my motherfuckin’ time to go. I headed through the snow, I think I was already fuckin’ coming apart. I didn’t fuckin’ care. After all, you fuckin’ can’t have everything, right man?
I walked for fuckin’ years, man, I swear to Jesus I couldn’t see two fuckin’ feet ahead of me, that fuckin’ snow was so damned thick. I looked up at the sky acoupla times, there wasn’t one fuckin’ damn cloud up there, yet that white shit kept on falling. I fuckin’ let it fall, but I remember fuckin’ think that if I didn’t get inside soo I was going to fuckin’ freeze to death.
To end it up, I fuckin’ walked all night, I don’t think the sun came up that next morning either. In fact I can’t even remember the fuckin’ sun being up the rest of that damn week. I think it fuckin’ hid from me, I fuckin’ put the fear of God in it, man. I do remember it quit snowing about nine the next morning, if you wanna call it that, it was still dark as hell to me.
I remember praying to God that I could fuckin’ make it back to Tina, please God just fuckin’ let me get back to Tina, man. See I’m a disrespectful bastard I guess, I talk to God like I do everybody, man. You see I talk to God alot up top, you know, in my fuckin’ head. I think he listens to me, I think I kinda get his mind offa how fucked up the world is, you know? Even God needs somebody to talk to every now and then.
Anyway I didn’t run into any trouble the rest of that night, even on into that morning, I think I remember hearing a siren sometime around two in the morning, way the hall behind me. Probably found my fuckin’ handywork, hope they fuckin’ did, the bastards. I think I just shivered, pulled my goddam hat over my eyes and kept walking, like everybody else in New York. Like I fuckin’ said, a million people die here at night, and you never hear one of the poor bastards.
It was around eleven when I found my way back to Tina’s apartment, hoped like hell she wouldn’t be asleep or pissed about me lighting the fuck out the night before. I shouldn’t have worried, I knocked on her door and it swung open. I was about to say something when I hear some fuckin’ panting, and a whole lot of shit going on, I just fuckin’ put my head down and walked out, closing the fuckin’ door behind me. Fuck sex, man. Fuck the whole motherfuckin’ world for that matter.
I had to fuckin’ kill a hour so I walked down the road a little bit to this chruch, the doors were open so I just kinda slipped in and sat in the very last pew. It was a fuckin’ catholic church, I took my hat off even if I wasn’t catholic. I kinda bowed my head and prayed some, you know thanking God I got back outta the jungle alive, even though it kinda fucked up my plans at least I was gonna see Tina again. Then I kinda got fuckin’ quiet because I remembered what Tina was fuckin’ doing about right then.
I started fuckin’ rubbing my shoulder, I had torn it open so many fuckin’ times....I was in a fuckin’ world of pain and didn’t even realize it. I finally got up and went over to the fuckin’ confessional booth, I made sure there was somebody inside before I stepped in. I had never fuckin’ beenin one before so I just sat down and waited, then this little screen opend and the priest or father or whatever the fuck you call ‘em was on the other side. I just sat there staring.
“Well, you have something to confess?” I sorta jumped a little bit and said shit then I fuckin’ apologized and went ahead. I had no fuckin’ idea what to say.
“Well, sir—uh Father, I kinda needed to get some of this shi—stuff offa my chest... see I’m really not a Catholic, but I kinda need to say some stuff, you know ma—umm Father?” He kinda laughed a little and told me to go right ahead. So I fuckin’ did.
“You see I just get so fu—messed up at times I can’t control myself and I do all this crazy sh—stuff I don’t even mean to do. I can’t talk to anybody about any of it, and it just f—it just builds up on the inside like a volcano until it errupts you know?” I was falling all the fuck over myself trying to put what I was feeling into words, and I think he kinda got a little bit of what I was feeling because he said some shit about the responsibility and the battle of emotions a young man must face. then he told me my sins were fuckin’ forgiven and I thanked him and left the church.
I was so damned confused by the time I got outta that church I didn’t know which way was up. It was snowing again New York.