Diary of a Gay (NOT!... well, maybe) Boy

September 1, my room, 4:03pm

Oh, my god.

I can?t believe it. I can?t believe this has happened. I couldn?t wait to write this down after David left at 4. My parents still aren?t back, but they should be soon. My hands are like shaking and sweating profusely as I write this. It?s just, just so? WOW.

Anyway, after David came back from the bathroom, we did some more research and not much happened. When 4:00 came around though, and we heard a knock on the door (presumably his mom coming to pick him up), we looked up from what we were doing and I noticed David was looking at me weirdly. But it didn?t seem to be like the ?Thank god this is over. I can?t stand being in the same room with this FREAK any longer.? It was? different. I couldn?t place why he was looking at me like that. Another knock broke our gaze on each other and we both got up quickly. I began to walk David back to the door, but before we got out of the hallway, David placed a hand on my shoulder and tugged at it, pulling me around so I was facing him.

I looked up at him (he?s a couple inches taller than me; I?d never noticed that before) and he looked down at me, placing his hands behind my head and he brought his face closer to mine and those lips that I earlier wrote about? How I would have paid money to kiss those lips?

Well, um, they met with my own lips and, for a moment, the whole world stopped and it was just like it was only the two of us in the room (even though it was, but you know what I mean; that?s what all people say when they get kissed). I know it sounds clichôUbut, yes, there were so fireworks.

Yea, that?s right. I got KISSED. By a cute guy, no less.

Wow, it?s so weird seeing it written out like that. I said I wasn?t gay, but? well, I liked it. I LOVED it. Kissing is now gonna be my favorite pastime.

But, unfortunately, after that one tiny little moment (it really was; tiny, I mean. It lasted for like a second), he let go off my head and raced off to the door and then left. I stood there in the hallway just stunned by what had happened and then, my brain finally caught up with me and I rushed to my room and wrote all this down.

I just heard a door open. I guess my family is finally home. More later.

Wow? my first kiss. Wow.


September 1, my room, 7:30pm

Wait? that was my FIRST kiss.

HE STOLE MY FIRST KISS!!!! Oh, my GOD! I was totally saving that for someone special and he just took it without even asking! HOW RUDE!!!

Not that I didn?t like it or anything.

WOAH. I did NOT just write that. I mean, it was disgusting, perverse. EW. I?m NOT gay!

Not in the slightest.

But I really DID enjoy it, no matter how much I?m trying to deny it. Hmmm, so maybe I am gay after all.

Huh. Well, ok then.

But I?m gonna have to keep this TOTALLY secret because if word got out that I was gay, well, we?re right back to the beatings I mentioned earlier.

And nobody wants those. Most of all, ME!

You know, I can still feel his lips on mine. He did like some sort of pressure thing on them because it feels like they?re still there. Which I don?t mind at all since you know, he is a hot guy who thinks I?m sexy.

But wait, what if he doesn?t think I?m sexy? What if that was just a one-time thing? Just to see if HE was gay?!?!! Maybe he didn?t like it at all.

OH GOD.

WHAT IF I?M A BAD KISSER!?!?!!?!? I mean, if I am, I?ll never have a boyfriend because every time I get one, they?ll have to kiss me at some point and then they?ll see that I?m a bad kisser and break up with me and then I?ll end up some old maid in a rundown house with like THIRTY cats and I?ll be all crazy and like attack people who try to come to my house or something like that one old woman on the Simpsons who has all the cats.

Sigh, I can?t believe my love life is over before it even started. How sucky is that? I have GOT to be the most pathetic gay guy EVER.

Except maybe for Richard Simmons. That dude has ISSUES. Plus, he scares me. Who in their right mind, I ask you, would want to go out with him? I certainly wouldn?t. And he exercises. I HATE exercising. Sweating to the Oldies? No thanks, I?d rather not.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, my HORRIBLE kissing abilities!

Well, it?s not MY fault. I mean, no one?s ever kissed me on the lips before, so I don?t know how to act. You can?t really blame me for that!

But what happens after this? Will he acknowledge me in school? I know we can?t like make out there or anything, but is he going to become my friend? Or is he going to distance himself? What?s going to happen between us? This is all too much to handle right now. I?m going to bed.

September 2, my room, 12pm

So I was online and my buddy list showed up (all one of them), it showed David as online, but as I was about to send him an IM to talk to him about yesterday (well, that was my INTENTION, but I highly doubt I¡¯d have actually mentioned it since I¡¯m not assertive like that at all), but he signed off as I was typing ¡°heyhey¡±. So I signed off too. I mean, he¡¯s the only one on my AIM list, so if he signs off, what¡¯s the point of staying on?

He¡¯s probably avoiding me because of what happened yesterday. I¡¯ll admit, it was kind of shocking to have that happen. It was totally out of the blue.

And then he just rushed out. Like I was the plague or something. Like if he had stayed any longer, something bad would happen. Maybe he thought I¡¯d like beat HIM up or something.

HA! Please, like I¡¯d beat up anyone. I¡¯m not exactly tall, or menacing (hello, I¡¯m GAY), or, in any shape or form, a bully type.

But whatever. I just wish he¡¯d TALK to me about it. I want to know what¡¯s going on inside that gorgeous head of his! I want to know whether I should be excited (at the prospect of maybe getting a boyfriend) or disappointed (that my first kiss was stolen by a curious and confused teenage boy; I don¡¯t care if he IS the hottest guy walking around on this earth, he STOLE my first kiss!!! I was gonna save that for someone special, i.e. my BOYFRIEND!)

Sigh. I really shouldn¡¯t get worked up so much over this. Let¡¯s focus on something else, like my homework. I can¡¯t work on the project cuz I¡¯ll start thinking about David again and this whole entry will take form AGAIN, just with different wording.

September 3, religion, 8am

I saw David and said hey to him, but he TOTALLY ignored me. He didn¡¯t even glance in my direction at all!!! He just continued talking to his OTHER friends (who, by the way, ALSO didn¡¯t take notice of me either)

Ah, screw this. I can¡¯t write anything here. I¡¯m too depressed by my thorough dissing by David.

September 3, English, 12:50pm

So, I know I said I wouldn¡¯t be writing in here anymore because I was too depressed. BUT something good happened.

And no, David did NOT apologize for his stupidity in ignoring me earlier today in religion (and then in P.E. and history later, except for that one time in P.E. when he yelled at me ¡°Dude, you¡¯re supposed to CATCH the ball!¡±. Yea, he didn¡¯t even SAY MY NAME. He called me ¡°dude¡±. That hurt, that really hurt.) Nor did he take me in his muscled arms and kiss me and say ¡°I¡¯m sorry for the pain and torture I put you through. I hope to never do that again. How foolish of me!¡±

Nope, none of those things happened. BUT a good thing did happen. I was sitting at lunch (by myself, since David was off elsewhere having a grand ol¡¯ time with his OTHER friends) and someone from my elementary school (half of my 8th grade class came to my high school) sat down with me. It was my sorta kinda friend Kerry (well, really, she was friends with everybody, but we were more of acquaintances, though she did help me stage manage with the production we did in 8th grade). Anyway, she sat down and then said ¡°Hey, what¡¯s up, Philip?¡±

Seriously. I was shocked. I didn¡¯t think anybody would actually come and SIT with me at lunch. I don¡¯t make friends easily, since I¡¯m so shy. It¡¯s hard for me to be in a new environment. It was hard to believe, but there she was, sitting there, eating her lunch, waiting for my response.

So I said, ¡°Not much. What about you?¡±

Kerry: Oh, not too much either. But what are you doing here all alone at lunch? Don¡¯t you have anybody to sit with?

At that time, I have to say that I felt like the most unpopular pathetic loser EVER in existence.

Me: Well, um, not really¡­

Kerry: Oh, well, I¡¯ll sit with you and then tomorrow I¡¯ll introduce you to some of my friends. That should make things easier.

Me: Um ok.

So we sat there for the rest of the lunch period and chatted a bit. It was cool, I guess. I really opened up to her. Well, not about the whole David thing. NO ONE MUST EVER KNOW THAT EVER! But I was able to joke and laugh and we had a great time. See, normally I¡¯m shy, but Kerry¡¯s one of those people that¡¯s so nice and outgoing that you just feel yourself talking more to her and loosening up. It¡¯s weird, but in a cool way. If that even makes sense.

So I¡¯ve made a new friend! YAY! I now have a somewhat normal social life! THIS IS SO EXCITING!

Eep! Bell, gotta go!

September 3, my room, later

Didn¡¯t have time to update in the last few classes, but whatever. Not a whole lot else happened, except¡­

I NOW HAVE A NEW FRIEND!!!!!

I am sooo happy beyond belief that this has happened to me! And, tomorrow, I may have MORE new friends!

HA! So there, David! I don¡¯t need you AT ALL. I have other friends who won¡¯t just take advantage of me with their hotness (well, you know, since Kerry¡¯s a girl). Hopefully if I meet any other boys, they won¡¯t be hot because I¡¯m saving myself for David, though with the way he treated me- a kiss and run- I¡¯m beginning to rethink that notion.

Actually, it would definitely be better if none of the other guys I meet are as hot as David. I mean, I¡¯m having enough trouble with David. What happens if I meet ANOTHER hot guy and he does the same thing? Would I become a kissing slut?! I¡¯M ONLY 14, I DON¡¯T WANT TO BE A SLUT!!!!

Oy, this is SOOO confusing! I don¡¯t understand why David¡¯s ignoring me like I wasn¡¯t the person who he just KISSED the other day! I mean, I can understand not wanting to talk about it with me, but IGNORING me? That¡¯s a bit much. HOW are we going to finish this history project if he¡¯s ignoring me?! How are we going to be able to PRESENT together when we¡¯re not talking to each other?!

Hmm. I wonder if he¡¯s online. Let¡¯s see¡­.
¡­¡­

Ok, I just signed on and he actually didn¡¯t sign off right away. Should I say hi? Should I even BOTHER IM-ing him? I mean, what if he doesn¡¯t reply and ignores me this way? How are we going to get anything done if he doesn¡¯t want to TALK about it?! Guys are so weird!

Oh my gosh, he IMed ME.

DtothaAvid: yo Philip, what¡¯s up?

WHAT¡¯S UP?!?! IS THAT ALL HE HAS TO SAY TO ME AFTER WHAT HE¡¯S PUT ME THROUGH!??!!?!?!?!

Blake323: Not much. What about you?
DtothaAvid: Oh, you know, stuff.
Blake323: Yea.
DtothaAvid: Anyway, I found some interesting stuff for our project. I¡¯m working on sending it to you through email. It should be there in a few minutes.

I can¡¯t believe he¡¯s pretending like NOTHING happened between us, like our kiss was nothing.

Wait a minute, what if it WAS nothing? To him, I mean. What if he goes around kissing like it¡¯s second nature or something and he doesn¡¯t give it a second thought?! Actually, that sounds stupid now that I put it into words. I guess what I mean is, what if it meant nothing to him at all? Like he didn¡¯t think about how much torture and confusion this would cause me and how it would affect our relationship (if there was ever one to begin with).

Le sigh. Not much else happened in the conversation. We talked about the project. I was too scared to even mention the kiss. I wish we could get all this out in the open, but with me being too scared to talk about it and him totally ignoring it, that probably will NOT happen unfortunately.

Off to bed I go, not that I¡¯ll get much sleep anyway.