Snowfall

\"No.\" He looked away from me. \"Perhaps it is best if you return to the Church. I will trouble you no more, Mon Ami.\" He turned to move away from me.
I watched him for a moment, stricken. Warring with my conscience. What should I do? Who should I trust? This was a demon of legend in front of me. The Church was very clear about consorting with them and what it meant. Yet, Amar had never been anything but kind to me, more so than many people in my life. He killed a man but it was for me. I looked down at the body at my feet as if it might be able to give me answers. It didn\'t even help with an accusing look, no, instead it held the look of surprise and nothing more. I turned away in disgust, for it, for Amar, for me, I did not know. I knew Amar was telling me the truth when he said he would no longer trouble me. This would be the last time I saw him. In the end it was that which decided it. My conscience lost yet again to my desires.
I stepped over the body in the street and reached out a hand to Amar\'s wrist.

\"Wait.\" I whispered hoarsely. \"Please, don\'t go.\"

Amar turned with a puzzled frown. He glanced down at the hand once more on his wrist. This time I must confess I was impolite. I did not let him go.

\"You wish me to stay? After this?\" Amar gestured behind him.

I did not look. Closing my eyes and breathing in resolution, I opened them once more to look at him evenly. \"Yes, Amar, I want you to stay.\" It was spoken quietly but evenly, not a quaver entered my voice.

Amar looked bewildered a moment more and then what remnants of the mask he had been wearing crumbled away. I could see pain and happiness mixed up in almost equal measure upon his face. Loneliness and the fear of rejection. These were things I could understand. I stepped closer to him and for a short time I became the calm one. I was always the bearer of pain, it was a role I was used to.

\"I think we should go.\" I pulled him out of the alley at a walk and this time looked around before leaving the shadows for another street. Eventually, I took us into another dark alley, ironic but I was thinking of Amar\'s safety now and it gave me release from any uneasiness I might feel for myself. As for Amar, he let me guide him without a word through the streets and when we stopped he was still watching me in wonder.

I turned to face him and said. \" I think we should be safe enough to speak here, don\'t you?\"

He nodded. \"Albin..\"

I held up a hand and smiled. \" I understand that you were protecting me. Thank you.\" I looked away then. Wondering what Amar would think of me, the memory of my father\'s disgust at my refusal to fight became once more clear in my mind\'s eye.

\" I.. this was not how I wanted things to be between us.\" Amar sighed. \"You must think me a monster.\"

I turned to look at him then. He was concerned about my opinion of him, and here I was worried that he would be judging me. I was stunned speechless a moment. The silence was taken wrongly. Amar leaned against the building and wrapped his arms tightly around himself, staring up in the night sky.

Eventually he spoke. \"Perhaps you would be right. The one who made me most assuredly was. He toyed with me in a cellar, drinking a bit of blood at a time, weakening me a little more each day. He killed my companions, one by one while I watched. I figured that I would be last, it was a war between our people and he seemed to hold a hatred for my kind. I was a young priest of the old religion. He was from Rome. I do not know how old he was but he spoke to me in Latin. He said to me that \"the atrocities of man are quickly forgotten in the madness of their fleeting lives but the atrocities of the immortals linger forever.\" With that he made me what I am now. I do not know why he did not kill me or what he wanted from me, other than to remember what he had done or perhaps what was being done throughout my land. Soon Rome conquered Gaul and the priests became more and more scarce. Many took refuge in Britain but the Romans eventually moved upwards to conquer those lands as well. Spreading Christianity with them and condemning the native Gods and Goddesses. I tried to save my people, to fight the Roman invasion but one creature, even a creature such as I, was not strong enough to slow the coming horde. I resigned myself to remembering. The old ways were kept alive through me. Perhaps that was what the crazed vampire had intended. It was lonely, I traveled far away from France and Britain, unable to watch its defeat at the hands of Mighty Rome. Eventually though I missed my homeland and so I returned. To find the Romans had long since left but Christianity had stayed and taken a firm root. I watched in horror as the wise women and midwives were pushed aside and treated with suspicion and in their place were crazy spiritualists and doctors with half witted ideas and experiments. The church was telling the people how to think and what to believe. How to celebrate and live life. Rome still controlled my homeland but in a different way, a more sinister way. \"

He turned to look at me then and smiled sadly. \" Do not think that I hate all of your priests. That is not so, some, like your Father John, seem to be good men. If perhaps close minded at times. And you, Albin, you would do any religion you followed proud. Such kindness and open minded willingness to listen and learn. I was drawn to you that first night I heard you. You were asking the priest questions and I listened amused at the answers and even more at your insatiable curiosity and well thought out queries. The next night I resolved to speak with you and that would be the night we met. \"

I was speechless still. It was for me that Amar had come to the camp? Surely all this personal attention was not good for me. It seemed to have struck me dumb. I watched him silently, he still leaned against the wall clutching his shoulders tightly as if he needed to hold on to something in order to continue speaking. Seeing him so it was sympathy that brought me out of my daze. Slowly I reached both hands up to Amar \'s shoulders, placing my hands just above his own.

\"I do not think you a monster. I don\'t think I ever really could.\" I watched his eyes, those endless depths of blackness. The loneliness faded from them slowly and he breathed a shuddering sigh. Strange for one not needing to breath but old habits die hard. Slowly he reached a hand up to finger my hair and a faint smile crossed his lips.

\"No? And what if I said to you that it was jealousy that I felt most when seeing you there with those men?\" His eyes bore into my own and his emotions were made plain, not hidden behind his mask of politeness. There was something in them, some unnamed emotion that warmed me in ways I\'ve never known. \"And possessiveness. I want you, Albin, all my own.\"

\"Want me?\" I frowned confused for a moment. He had said that he did not want to eat me, but perhaps he meant at that moment. Then it came to me the look in his eyes. Desire, Amar desired me, as those men had desired me. However this time it did not cause me to be afraid. I looked inward and found that all this time that confusing emotion, that longing to be with this man, it was desire as well. It was strange to feel such a change after the horror that had taken place earlier in the night, perhaps it would have been different had the attackers been successful, but it was not, and it was Amar, this vulnerable creature in front of me who waited for my refusal or acceptance, that had saved me. It filled me with a comforting peace, I was not alone.

Amar watched the emotions play across my face, bewilderment, understanding, acknowledgment. He slowly pulled me closer, so that my weight was fully against him. His body was warm and alive, I laid my cheek against his shoulder and closed my eyes. This was what I had wanted since that first night with Amar to touch him and be touched by him, to be accepted and cherished. My heart raced in my chest with all these emotions flooding my senses at one time and I wondered briefly if he could hear it.

\"And what of you, Mon Ami? Please tell me you are not merely complying because you are afraid. I don\'t want you to ever be afraid of me, Albin.\" He pushed me back enough to be able to look at him and waited for my response.

\"I trust you.\" My teeth pressed into my lower lip and I warred with myself, what words would he believe? I wished to explain my faith in him and my own longings but I could not come up with anything that sounded convincing to my own ears. With a deep breath for resolve, I leaned forward and pressed my lips firmly against Amar\'s own. He remained still for a moment not resisting but not moving away and I wondered if I had done something wrong. Then his arms wrapped more tightly around me and he pressed against my mouth with the force of barely contained longing. I gasped and turned away. My own emotions scaring me more than his reaction.

\"I am sorry, I will go slowly.\" He brushed his lips against my cheek and leaned forward to nibble my ear, my whole body felt like it was on fire at his barest touch and my hands pushed themselves along his chest seemingly of their own accord. Amar\'s lips skimmed across my neck and I moaned. He paused and moved away, his mouth once more brushing my own, this time with a gentleness that was almost painful. He was very patient with me that first night, content to caress and hold me. Amar asked for nothing that I was not already longing to give.

Eventually though he pulled away, and stared at the Eastern sky. \"We must get you back to the Chapel, it will be daylight soon.\"

I looked at the horizon with doubt, it was no lighter than it had been the last time I had glanced at it. I hid my head against his neck. \" We have time yet the sky is still dark.\"

\"It won\'t be soon and you do not wish to be caught in the light trying to sneak back inside do you?\" He squeezed me tightly a moment before pulling away. This time it was Amar who led us back through the streets, soon enough we were standing under the shadows of the Church.

\"Amar...\" I didn\'t know what I wanted to say, other than I didn\'t want to go.

He smiled at me in seeming understanding. \"Demain, Mon Ami.\" Tomorrow.

With a final glance I turned and climbed the tree next to my window and then made my way inside. I turned to look out at Amar only to find he was not to be found. I slowly closed the window and made my way to the bed. There would be no use in sleeping, the monks would be going to the morning meal soon and Father John would be waking me to join them.