Starting Over

Catherine walked into Karma the following Thursday with an overwhelming sense of dread weighing on her chest. At first, she didn’t see anyone she knew. Then, looking towards the corner, Catherine saw Batey sitting with Daniel and Ethan, the Boy with the Journal. She waved at them, glancing over to give Batey a grateful smile. Just his presence was making her feel better already.

After scanning the rest of the room, Catherine realized that Marcus wasn’t there yet. She bought a cup of coffee and took a seat at a somewhat secluded table in a corner near the window. Each time the door opened, Catherine felt her stomach tumble, and each time she silently willed herself to calm down. Finally, after what felt like hours but was probably less than ten minutes, the door opened letting in a cool chill. Marcus entered. Looking around nervously, he finally spotted Catherine and gave her a small smile.

With her heart beating uncontrollably in her chest, Catherine just looked at Marcus. He had on a navy ski cap with pieces of his dark hair peeking out from below it. The blue hat made his eyes look more sapphire than she had ever seen them. Her pulse racing, Catherine finally stood up to greet him. “Hey,” she said nervously.

Letting out a deep breath, Marcus gave her a grin. “Hey, Cath,” he replied warmly, moving towards her to give her a hug, but when he saw her freeze up, he stepped back. “You look great,” he finally said, a sad look in his eyes.

“You too,” Catherine replied awkwardly, sitting back down. Marcus slid off his jacket and put it on the back of his chair before sitting across from her. “You… you gained back some weight,” she noted. The last time she had seen him back in the summer, he had been unhealthily thin.

Resting his elbows on the table, Marcus gave Catherine a wry smile. “That’s what kicking a coke habit will do for you, I guess,” he said softly, cracking his knuckles like he always did when he was nervous. “Listen, before you say anything else… I just want to say thank you so much for meeting me.”

Looking at Marcus, Catherine felt an ache in the back of her throat, but she had promised herself she wouldn’t cry. “I think it’s good… for both of us,” she explained, dropping her eyes to the table. “The last couple years haven’t exactly been a picnic for anyone. I think it’s good that we… we see each other, and get past everything.”

Tilting his head, Marcus looked at Catherine. “Yeah, but I’m the one who caused everything. I’m the one that fucked up your life – and my own.”

Shaking her head, Catherine looked up. “You definitely did stuff that sucked,” she told him, chuckling before she became serious again. “But you are not entirely to blame for everything. I mean, I made decisions…” Marcus tried to cut her off to argue, but the hard look coming from Catherine’s eyes shut him up and she continued. “Like I was saying, I made the final decision about a lot of things – ignoring your usage for so long, what happened with Phil, having sex with you that time without a condom. I did all those things in the end. I have to live with that.”

”And I have to live with the fact that I hid my usage from you until I was too far gone for anyone to help me until I wanted help,” Marcus quickly replied. “And I have to live with knowing I begged you to… with Phil, I begged you, I pushed you, I took advantage of how much you cared about me.” When Marcus’s eyes began to fill with tears, Catherine couldn’t keep her promise to not cry. “And Cath, I don’t know what you’re talking about with the condom…” His expression was a mixture of pain and anger and regret. “Cath, you were asleep. You were asleep, and I was drunk, and I started having sex with you, and I didn’t stop to get a condom when you woke up and asked me. I basically-”

“No,” Catherine said decisively. “You did a lot of completely fucked up things, but you didn’t… you didn’t rape me. I just didn’t have the courage to really ask you to stop.”

Biting on his thumb nail, Catherine could tell Marcus was trying to stop the tears in his eyes from spilling over his cheeks. Finally he looked at her. “Well, however you see it,” he told her. “I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am.”

There was an undeniable sincerity in Marcus’s voice, and Catherine could only stare at him in silence for a moment. She noticed, as her eyes scanned his face, that while he did resemble James in many ways, there were more differences than she had remembered. His cheekbones were higher, this eyebrows thicker, his mouth much fuller. While they could probably pass as brothers, it was now clear to Catherine that she had imagined them to look much more alike than they really were. “You’re… different,” she finally told him. “You’re so different now…”

Looking up into Catherine’s eyes, Marcus’s expression was solemn. “I am,” he replied in a voice barely above a whisper. All the arrogance and self-assurance that Catherine had grown so accustomed to in the two years they spent together was no longer there. “I’ve spent the last three months trying to figure out who the hell that person was… who I was… for the last few years. And I figured out… I was a bad person for a long time. And, unfortunately, you got the brunt of that.”

Marcus leaned back in his chair and looked at Catherine. His expression openly betrayed his feelings of regret and guilt. As he pushed up the sleeves of the hooded sweatshirt he wore, Catherine’s eyes were caught by a colorful design on his forearm.

”You got a tattoo?” Catherine asked, glad to have something to say to break the tension. “Let me see.”

Putting out his arm for her inspection, Marcus gave Catherine a small grin. “Got it on my birthday last month,” he told her. “Sort of a reward to myself for staying clean.”

Examining the artwork, Catherine ran her fingers over the elaborate dragon design and felt Marcus shaking under her touch. She looked up into his eyes and took in a deep breath. He was looking at her with more vulnerability than she had ever seen in him. Taking his hand, she gave him a small smile. “I’m really proud of you,” she told him, meaning her words deeply.

“Thank you,” Marcus replied, squeezing her hand and saying nothing more.

As they sat in silence for several moments, Catherine was overwhelmed. Here she was, in the middle of her new life, holding hands with Marcus. Marcus, who was no longer the rebellious and cocky adolescent she had once known but was instead a frightened but strong-willed young man taking control of his life. “How’d you get here?” Catherine asked suddenly.

”Let’s see,” Marcus said, surprised by the question. “I took the train – I mean, the Metro – to Vienna, and walked here.”

“That’s like four miles,” Catherine was shocked.

“Yeah,” Marcus grinned. “I left DC just after five.”

Feeling grateful that Marcus had gone through so much effort just to come and apologize to her, Catherine gave him a small smile. “So have you eaten, then?”

“Nah, but I’m okay-” he began, but Catherine cut him off.

”Okay, then, let’s go get something to eat, and then I’ll drop you back off at the Metro station.”

Nodding, Marcus looked tremendously appreciative of Catherine’s gesture. “That sounds good,” he said.

As they stood up and slipped on their jackets, Catherine glanced over at Batey, who had a gravely nervous look on his face. “I’m okay,” she mouthed, giving him a small smile and a quick wave. “Thank you.”

-----

Watching Catherine leave the coffee shop with that guy following closely behind her, Batey felt very unsettled. He didn’t like the way things had turned out. He’d thought that either the meeting would be short and emotional, or drawn out and quiet; both scenarios that had played out in his head ended with Catherine sitting in his car in the parking lot, telling him everything. The last thing he had expected was to see her holding Marcus’s hand, smiling shyly at him and then leaving with him in tow. This was not what he had planned on at all.

“You okay, Batey?” Daniel asked with concern. He had been enjoying running his hand lightly through the hair that fell onto the back of Ethan’s neck, but when he saw the displeased look on his friend’s face, he turned all his attention towards that. “You look… is something wrong?”

Glancing over at Daniel, Batey forced himself to offer a small grin. He’d known Daniel since freshman year of high school, and had never seen him as happy as he was over the past few weeks. “I’m sorry,” he told them. “I think I’m just tired.”

Raising his eyebrows, Daniel didn’t know whether or not he should push. Fortunately, Ethan said something first. “Are you upset about Catherine leaving with that guy?” he asked simply. He was new to their little group, and his question had an innocent and innocuous quality that Daniel wouldn’t have been able to pull off.

Looking over at Daniel and Ethan, Batey didn’t know how to respond. He couldn’t tell them anything about Marcus; that would be betraying Catherine’s trust. And he couldn’t tell them about the feelings he was developing for her because… because he didn’t think he could ever tell her. Somehow, the fact that he had starting caring for Catherine more deeply than he had originally intended made him feel like he had violated some unspoken pact of friendship they had made. “No,” he shook his head. “I’m just tired, like I said. And since opening night is tomorrow,” he added, rising and faking a yawn for effect. “I think I’ll try to get a good night’s sleep.”

“Okay,” Daniel replied, not looking convinced. “I’ll…” he paused and blushed. “I mean, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

Giving a warm smile, Batey nodded. He liked that Daniel seemed so content. “See you then,” he told them.

-----

It was nearly midnight, but Batey couldn’t sleep. He was lying back in his cool sheets, one hand rested on his stomach and his other arm crooked above his head. He’d been staring at the ceiling for hours. Making a quick decision, he sat up and grabbed the phone from his nightstand, dialing the numbers to Catherine’s cell phone before he lost his nerve.

“Batey?” Catherine answered the phone, her voice tired and strained. “Is everything okay?”

Feeling a wave of guilt wash over him for waking her, Batey didn’t know what to say. “Hey, Catherine,” he started. “I just… I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Hearing her struggle slightly on the other end of the phone line, Batey guessed that Catherine was sitting up in her bed. “I’m okay, are you?”

Knowing he shouldn’t have called her, Batey didn’t know what to say, so he went from the gut – mostly. “I just… I just was worried about you. You looked upset at Karma… and then you left… and you didn’t call.”

A warm, friendly chuckle from Catherine took Batey by surprise. “You’re such a wonderful friend,” she praised him softly, making heat rise in his cheeks. He knew that being a good friend had very little to do with why he had called. “I wanted to call you when I got home, but I since you don’t have a cell, I was afraid it was too late.”

Just hearing that Catherine had thought about him after she’d gotten home sent a comforting feeling throughout Batey. “It’s never too late for you to call, if you want to talk,” he admitted softly.

“Well, since you’re awake,” Catherine began, sounding relaxed on her side of the conversation. “I’ll give you the abridged version, and tell you more later.” Batey took a deep breath in, nervous to hear what Catherine was about to say. “So… it was good. Really good. I’m so glad we met up.”

“Really?” Batey asked nervously, not able to even fathom what ‘good’ might mean.

“Yeah,” Catherine replied, not noting his uncomfortableness. “It was really awkward at first… and all these old feelings were right there, you know? But once we went to the diner and sat down in a booth, we started getting down below the surface.” Batey could almost hear Catherine smile, and it made him slightly nauseated. “He’s not the person I used to know, but he’s… he’s a pretty great guy now. Someone I’m happy to know. Someone… I’m happy to call my friend.”

Swallowing hard, Batey tried to figure out exactly what that meant. “So, is he okay with that?” he cautiously asked. “Marcus, is he okay… just being your friend?”

“How do you do it?” Catherine quickly asked. “How do you know exactly what’s going through my mind?”

Sighing to himself, Batey shook his head. “I just say what I’m thinking,” he told her honestly.

”I guess that’s why we get along so well,” Catherine replied admiringly. “Anyway, yeah, Marcus did tell me he’d like to… to try again. To start over, totally fresh.”

“And what did you tell him?” Batey asked, dread building in his throat along with some bile.

“I told him that just trying to be friends is going to be hard enough for me,” she told him, relieving Batey immensely. “I told him he needs to focus on himself, on keeping clean, and I need to focus on rebuilding myself. I need to focus on my new life.”

Sinking back into his pillow, Batey felt some guilt about being as happy with Catherine’s answer as he was. “And is that what you really want?” he forced himself to ask.

”Yeah,” Catherine said immediately, eliciting another relieved sigh from Batey. “Marcus… he was in a really bad place for a long time. He needs to take care of himself before we could ever think about, you know, trying something again.”

This was not the answer Batey was hoping for. He had hoped Catherine would tell him that she wished the best for Marcus, but that he’d put her through too much to ever consider trying to work out a relationship with him again. He had hoped… damn, he had hoped that spending time with Marcus might make Catherine realize how different Batey was from her ex, and make her realize that maybe they… But no. That was a selfish way to think, Batey told himself. After all, Catherine had already been through so much, and she probably needed time to herself. Besides, his best friend was still hopelessly caught up in this wondrous girl…

“Did you fall asleep on me?” Catherine asked softly, pulling Batey out of his thoughts and making him realize just how long he had been sitting silently on the phone, listening to her breathing.

“I’m here,” he replied gently. “I’m always here.”

“I know,” Catherine told him fondly. “I’ve never had a better friend than you, Batey.”

Closing his eyes, Batey tried to gather his thoughts. “Well, we should both probably get some sleep,” he finally said lamely.

”Yeah,” Catherine sighed contentedly. “I think I’m going to sleep well tonight, for the first time in a long time.” She paused momentarily. “Sweet dreams, Batey.”

“Sweet dreams, Catherine.”

-----

Opening night went off well without much trouble. Of course, after curtain call, Mr. Martin went around berating everyone for a terrible job. Then he walked up to each and every member of the cast and told them how proud he was of them.

Catherine changed quickly in the dressing room with the other girls, bursting with nervous excitement. “Come on,” she demanded of Emma. “Let’s get back.”

Following Catherine and her shot of adrenaline, Emma was overwhelmed with happiness when Batey caught them leaving the dressing room. “You were fabulous,” he pulled Emma into a warm hug.

Blushing scarlet, Emma quickly pulled back from his embrace. “Look who’s talking, Sean Connery,” teasing Batey for the Scottish accent he had been using in the play.

“More like David Hasselhoff,” Batey denied the praise. “Catherine,” he smiled, pulling her into a hug. “You’re voice… it rang out. It was so beautiful.”

As Catherine and Batey stood clutching each other, Emma’s heart dropped into her stomach. While Catherine was giving Batey the same sort of hug she had offered Emma in the dressing room, Batey was obviously reveling in having the beautiful brunette so close to him. “He likes her,” Emma silently told herself. “And she has no idea.”

As James approached, Catherine quickly let go of Batey, not noticing the disappointment that quickly spread over his face, and just as quickly was willed away. “And here’s our star,” Catherine said, giving James a little curtsey. “And may I say, you look lovely in that eyeliner.”

”Bite me,” James blushed. “I haven’t gotten to wash my face yet.”

”Catherine?” a nervous voice came from behind her. Spinning around, Catherine was shocked to see Marcus. She was even more taken aback when he handed her a huge bouquet of flowers. “You were great,” he told her.

“Marcus, um, these are my friends,” Catherine speedily swung back around, the look of surprise still on her face. “This is Emma and James and Batey.”

Emma couldn’t help but notice that both James and Batey immediately got tense as they were introduced to Marcus. It seemed more than just jealousy, though. They appeared almost livid to have him in front of them.

“Um, I’ll be right back,” Catherine said, obviously also noticing the tension. “What are you doing here?” she asked as she took Marcus’s hand and led him to a quiet corner.

“That’s her ex-boyfriend, right?” James asked through clenched teeth.

Looking no more pleased than James, Batey nodded solemnly. “That’s him.”

As Emma studied each boy, she automatically knew that they knew things about Marcus that she wasn’t privy to. She was so intent in her thoughts, she jumped a little when a hand was placed on her shoulder. “Emma, boys,” Catherine’s mother greeted them. “Oh, you were all wonderful.” She glanced back towards the dressing room. “Is Catherine still getting dressed?”

No one said anything, and as Catherine’s mother glanced around the room, they all saw her freeze. She was looking at the corner where Catherine stood with her back to them, holding a big bouquet of flowers in one hand… and Marcus’s hand in the other. Everyone stood very silent and very still, not sure what was going to happen next. Finally, Catherine’s mother tried to snap herself out of her daze. “Will you excuse me?” she asked softly, moving towards her daughter.

Catherine was excitedly thanking Marcus for coming and telling him all about her nervous jitters before the play began when she saw him look over her shoulder. His eyes widened and his smile immediately disappeared. Dropping her hand, he lifted his chin just enough to motion behind Catherine. Before she could turn around, though, Catherine heard her mother’s voice.

“I must say,” Catherine’s mother was obviously trying to control her tone. “This was probably the last thing I expected to see when I came back here to congratulate you.” Turning slowly, Catherine was attacked by the look of hurt in her mother’s eyes. She didn’t know what to say, but her mother took a deep breath and continued. “Marcus,” she said softly, turning her gaze on the young man who seemed to be trying to hide under yet another woolen cap. “You… you look good.”

”Thank you,” he replied automatically. He was obviously terrified.

“So what brings you a six hour car ride away from Long Island?” Catherine’s mother’s voice was steely, but controlled.

“I, I…” Marcus was at a loss.

”Mom, Marcus is in DC with the school, and he came to support me,” Catherine tried to interject.

”Like he’s supported you in the past?” Catherine’s mother’s volume was low, but her voice was hard. “Thank God your father had to go away for work…”

“It’s not like that,” Catherine pleaded softly with her mother. “Marcus… I’m… we’re trying to move on. Move forward.”

“Together?” her mother asked, unable to mask the hint of nervousness in her question.

“No,” Catherine replied.

“Yes,” Marcus said at the same time.

Giving Marcus an angry glance to shut him up, Catherine looked her mother in the eyes. “No, not together,” she said firmly. “Do you have any idea how hard it was…” Tears were welling up in Catherine’s eyes. “How hard it was to tell you the truth last year? Do you really think I’d take that chance again?”

Her face pale, Catherine’s mother looked into her daughter’s pleading eyes. She knew that Catherine was telling the truth. Glancing over at Marcus, who was staring down at the floor, she could tell that his hopes had been dashed by Catherine’s words. “Catherine says you’ve stopped… that you’ve been sober for a while now, Marcus.”

Looking up at her, Marcus’s face was a mixture of disappointment and fear. “Yeah,” he replied softly. He jumped a little when Catherine’s mother reached up and stroked his cheek.

“Well, we all wish you the best,” she finished quietly. Putting her arms around her daughter, she pulled her close, wanting to protect her. Running her hands over her long hair, she whispered in Catherine’s ear. “You were great tonight,” she said softly. Pulling Catherine to arm’s length, she saw that her daughter’s eyes were still glassy. “Go out with your friends tonight. Have fun. Just…” she glanced unconsciously over at Marcus one more time. “Just be good.”

Nodding, Catherine watched her mother as she walked away. She saw her wave towards Catherine’s friends, who Catherine now realized were all staring. James looked furious; Batey looked upset; and Emma just looked confused.

Turning back to Marcus, Catherine gave him a sad smile. “I really appreciate that you came all the way out here to see me…” she began.

“But you want me to go now,” Marcus finished quietly for her.

“I’ll walk you to your car,” Catherine told him.

“Okay,” he replied resignedly, following her out a side door that wouldn’t force them to walk by her friends.

As they approached the car, Catherine looked like she didn’t know what to say. Shaking his head, Marcus gave her a small smile. “You know, it’s okay. Me leaving, I mean. I meant what I said last night.” He gazed at her admiringly. “I really appreciate that you were even willing to see me.”

Reaching out for his hand, Catherine looked at Marcus silently for a moment. “So you’ll keep in touch?” She asked softly.

”Absolutely,” Marcus told her. Quietly, he reached over to pull her into a hug. “I am so sorry,” he whispered into her hair.

”I know,” Catherine said, tears rolling down her cheeks. They held each other close for a little while, caught up in their memories. As Catherine began to pull back, she felt Marcus still holding onto her waist. “I’m going to kiss you right now,” he told her nervously. “Because I have the feeling that I’m never going to get this chance again.”

Catherine didn’t fight him. In fact, as Macus’s head tilted and moved slowly towards hers, she let her eyes flutter closed. Tears were streaming down her face as she felt his lips meet hers. He kissed her softly at first, and then began pulling her lower lip between his, sucking it and finally nibbling gently. Then she felt his mouth open slightly and his tongue ran gently along her bottom lip. As she wrapped her arms more firmly around his neck, Catherine parted her lips and felt Marcus dip his tongue into her mouth, massaging her tongue with his. Marcus still had his arms around her waist, pulling her body flush against his. The kiss felt so natural; it felt like they had never been apart.

Finally, Catherine forced herself to pull away. She looked up into Marcus’s eyes. Once again, she didn’t know what to say.

Shaking his head, Marcus stood back. Giving her a small grin, he thanked her. “You just reminded me why I have to stay clean,” he told her. “Because I don’t want to disappoint anyone as special as you ever again.”

Catherine watched as Marcus climbed into the car he had borrowed from a friend-of-a-friend. He rolled down his window. As he started the engine, he looked over at her. “I meant it when I said I’ll love you… always and forever.”

A large lump had built up in Catherine’s throat, making it impossible for her to respond. She just gave Marcus a sad smile as he backed out and drove away from the parking lot… and Catherine.

Standing there alone in the cold winter air, Catherine began sobbing hard. When she heard someone approach from behind, she turned around, but wasn’t surprised to see Batey.

Even though her face was soaked with tears and she was shivering in the cold, Catherine looked beautiful. “Is everything…?” Batey asked nervously.

Giving him a small smile, Catherine nodded. “Everything’s okay,” she said sadly, but quickly started crying again. “And I think… I think… it’s finally over.”

Reaching for her, Batey pulled Catherine’s trembling body into his arms. He held her, kissing the top of her head and stroking her hair, as she cried, trying to finally let go of all the pain in her past. They stood there for a very long time, Catherine clinging to her best friend and Batey holding the only other woman besides Lauren that he ever thought he could possibly fall in love with.