Chapter Seven
The Reality of All Flesh
My alarm erupted into a screech what seemed like only moments later. Nathan, who was curled up on the floor next to the couch, slowly sat up. He stretched and watched me warily. The couch itself was now empty. Artie must have left for work. I sat up. Gravity felt like a ton of bricks on my head. I cradled it in my palm.
“Okay?” Nathan asked me quietly.
I waited a moment before answering him. I could remember that I was angry with him, but not why. My anger melted into humiliation as the memory of last night crept back. The deepest, darkest parts of me had been sifted through by a boy I had hoped to gain the trust of.
“Just... tired.”
“Hungover?”
“Yeah. That, too.”
“You going to work today?”
I stared at my clock, trying to blink away the dizziness, and hoped that it had made a mistake. I scooted to the edge of my bed and placed my feet on the ground. The room steadied itself.
“Yeah, I don’t really have a choice.” I said.
He stood up and sat down on the bed beside me. “Are you still mad?”
“I’m indifferent.”
“You’re not. You’re mad that I know now. I know that you had let people in and they tore you apart from the inside out.”
“It didn’t say that anywhere.” But it sure as hell summed it up, I thought. I stared down at the sheets and tried to concentrate on peeling the pills that had formed off and flicking them to the floor.
He put a hand to my cheek and guided my face, so that when I looked up, he was peering directly into my eyes. “And it said that now you hide. From people. From what happened.”
I looked down again and stared at his porcelain legs. “Let’s not talk about it.”
“That’s what I’m trying to say. You can talk about it with me. I understand. You don’t have to hide from me.”
I looked up and locked eyes with him. They were narrowed with sincerity. He nodded a little as if to ask if I understood. Or rather, if I accepted his words. I nodded back slowly. He placed his other hand on my jaw and led my lips to his. I offered no resistance.
Mechanically, I leaned forward. His lips pressed against mine and slowly willed them open. My mostly unclothed body both warmed and chilled all at once; the sensation shot through me like electricity. I felt the goosebumps rise from my arms.
Nathan wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled himself onto my lap. His tongue brushed my lips on its way in. He pressed it against mine and moaned. The vibration sent a hot rush of blood to my groin.
His breathing picked up and mine matched it. He was panting short ‘ahs’ into my mouth. I hungrily worked my tongue to delve deeper, press harder.
He pulled away and ran his fingers through my hair, his nails scratching the surface of my scalp. I shut my eyes.
“Are you done?” He asked.
“What?” I looked, snapped out of the trance his body had put me in.
“Done hiding?”
My chest clenched a moment, seized with the realization that maybe there was another soul that understood what it was like to have the hope and the trust choked out of you by someone who was supposed to protect you.
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into me. He was hoisted up for a moment before landing with his knees on either side of me. His chest was clasped against mine. His skin felt as though it would burn me. I kissed him. I cupped the back of his head and put every ounce of energy into showing him that I needed this. I needed him. I had never needed a connection with another human being as badly as I needed to have Nathan.
I picked him up and turned, tossing him onto the bed. I kissed his lips, his cheek, his warm, tender neck. I nuzzled my face into him, my stubble grazing his skin. He curled into me, his breathing quick. I began to take long, deep breaths, which he mimicked.
I no longer needed protection, but I could protect him. I could chase away his demons the way I never could my own. I could save him from his grim world of shadows behind false smiles and teach him something I had never learned. How to trust and want and receive and-
“Touch me.” He whispered, hugging my back with his legs.
I sat up and looked over him. His freckles were highlighted with red across his cheeks and chest where a blush had risen. My hand traced his side- every rib- to his armpit, then out to his hand. I intertwined my fingers with his.
I leaned back down and kissed his sternum. He squirmed, his thighs massaging my hips. As I rose to kiss his lips, the movement pressed my stiffening boxers against his. We reached down simultaneously and hurriedly tugged off our underwear. Before remounting him, I glanced down to catch a glimpse of the boy’s cock. Shorter, and more slender than my own, it was red and eager, and surrounded by a nest of dark auburn curls.
He mumbled something.
“What?”
“Condom,” he said, louder.
“I-” Guilt hit me. Student. Teacher. This was wrong. I was supposed to be getting ready for work. “I don’t think we should-”
“Ryan!”
“Because-”
“
Ryan!” He nodded hastily, to interrupt anything I might say. “I know. I know. Just get the fucking condom, okay?”
I reached over and slammed the drawer open. I fumbled through the garbage until I found one. I used my teeth to tear it open, and then flipped onto my back to roll it on.
“Pshht. Who said you got to be on top?”
I breathed a laugh as I tugged at the tip. I rolled back over.
“Let’s go,” I said, triumphantly.
“That’s roma-”
I kissed him, and bucked against his ass. He tilted his head back.
“Ahh. Ah!” He squirmed excitedly. “More!”
I scanned his body underneath me. I needed to touch every inch of him. I had to make this moment of an honest connection and understanding last.
I laughed quietly at his eagerness. “No. Not yet.”
“Ryan, what the fuck is it now?” He grumbled angrily as he pushed himself up with his elbows.
I sent him back with a shove to the chest. “Shh, Nathan. You’re fine.” His eyes narrowed, then glossed over as I gripped his cock and ran my thumb over the head. His thighs tightened around me.
He moaned through clenched teeth. “Suck it, Ryan.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Suck what?” I prodded.
His face flushed red with embarrassment. “Why do you want me to say it?”
“Because, Nathan, I need to know what I’m going to be sucking on. You don’t have to be embarrassed. We’re all adults here.”
“My… dick?”
I dropped my head forward and snorted a laugh.
He punched my arm. “Just forget about it!”
“No,” I snapped soberly. I leaned down and kissed his dotted shoulder. “No,” I repeated more gently. I drug my lips over his chest and flicked at his nipple with my tongue. He thrust impatiently and smoothed his hands down along my back. I moved lower and kissed the small valley made by his hipbone. I turned and teased his cock with my hot breath, enjoying the way it twitched with anticipation. He hissed.
I had tortured him enough. I wrapped my lips around his erection and slipped it into my mouth. His hands shot up my back and into my hair.
“Ahh. Yes! Yes!” I ran my tongue over his head, sucking in the wet pre-cum developing on the tip. He twisted his fingers through my hair and tugged excitedly. I took that as a cue and swallowed his cock deep into my throat. His voice cracked as he arched under me. “Fuck me.” He sputtered.
I sat up and tugged him across the bed toward me. He fervently threw his legs over my shoulders.
“Now!”
I kissed him. “Now’s good.”
I circled his asshole with my cock and slowly pushed in. His body tightened around me, but was forced to relax as I thrust in deeper. I threw my body forward, pushing his knees against his chest and grunted into his neck. I powerfully pumped into his ass. He enthusiastically kissed my shoulder and whimpered. I pressed my forehead further into his cheek and neck, attempting to envelop him completely. I breathed heavily into his neck and thrust my dick into him with long, slow strokes.
“Ahh, Ryan. Ryan, so good!” Nathan cried out in broken sentences. I kissed him and pushed into him deeper, enjoying the reaction. He swallowed and licked his dry lips. “Faster. Please!”
I growled and grabbed the edge of the mattress for an anchor as I vigorously pushed into him. I grunted as my balls slapped against his ass.
Nathan thrashed his head against the comforter and squeezed his calves against my back. His asshole tightened and quivered against my cock. He pressed his lips into my shoulder and a shudder traveled over him as he came. His body tightening around me was enough to trigger my climax as I shoved into him a final time.
Nathan dropped his head back against the bed. His face was a vivid red and shiny with sweat. His curls were plastered to his forehead and cheeks. He smiled at me with half-lidded eyes. I had the momentary urge to tell him that he was beautiful, but quickly snuffed it from fear of ruining everything. I settled for kissing his forehead.
I pulled out, suddenly feeling every cold, and peeled the condom off. I tossed it into an empty grocery bag on the floor.
I rolled onto my side. I pulled him back into my chest and buried my face between his shoulder blades. I wanted our bodies to never stop touching. With Starr, I felt obligated to lay with her. This was different, not a responsibility, but a need. I feared that if I let go of him, he would drift away and I would never have this feeling again. This feeling of unison, of completion.
I lied with my body rigid. I listened to my breathing, and to his. I tried to draw out every second of this. I knew that at any moment, Nathan would get up and walk away from me. I needed to keep this one good thing for as long as possible before it disappeared, lost with all the others.
I felt Nathan’s hand brush my wrist, then the back of my fingers. I turned my hand over, and he laced his fingers with mine.
“I needed this,” he whispered.
I squeezed him tighter to me. Me, too, I thought. I didn’t want to sound too serious, in case he was just referring to the sex.
Instead, I laughed, “You’re such a virgin.”
“Hardly.” He played with my fingers.
We stayed wrapped around one another so entranced with every second, that the minutes drew on like hours.
Nathan broke the silence. “Aren’t we late for school?”
I dug my forehead into his back. “Fuck.”
We rolled away from each other, and began to get dressed. I tried not to look at him as I did. Our time together was up. Just a short car ride away was the school, and within its heavy metal doors laid reality- a cruel beast waiting to devour the perfection we had reached with one another and leave us to pretend it had never happened.
The car ride was quiet. Nathan played with the radio, trying to tune in a station. The antenna was broken, but I never told him. I didn’t want to finalize the end of our time together with petty banter.
We pulled in to a parking spot more than forty minutes after the start of first period. I kept my hands on the wheel and kept staring forward. Slowly, I turned the key and pulled it out. I turned my head to look at him. He raised his eyebrows.
“We shouldn’t go in together.” I said.
“Okay.”
“I’ll go in, then you can come. Wait five, ten minutes, though.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
I got out of the car and walked through the double doors. I tried to come up with a lesson plan on my way. Anything, anything to not think of him. He was a student, I was a teacher, and this was school. The line was drawn here. Still, my chest ached. I felt as though I had fallen for someone and lost them all at once. Such blissful sorrow.
“He just went to the bathroom.” I could hear Kasey say.
“When was—“
“Hey!” I said, as I jogged up to the classroom door. Mrs. Hardy stood with her arms crossed outside of it. Kasey was standing in the door way, legs apart as though to block the principal’s way in.
“Mr. Ryan,” Mrs. Hardy said. I could hear Kasey sigh.
“Is there a problem?” I asked.
“Not at all, since it seems you are actually present today. I know you called in again last week. Is everything fine, now?” Her words were void of any actual concern. She was checking up on me, which could only mean my job was in jeopardy. God, I really needed to get my shit together.
“Much better. Thank you for asking.”
She tugged my tie down and pushed up the knot to tighten it. “Well,” she said, looking up at me, “I guess I’ll just leave you to it.”
I squirmed uncomfortably. “Um, I guess.”
“Tell me if you need anything.” She whispered the last word. From behind her, I could see Kasey’s eyes widen.
Mrs. Hardy walked away. Kasey continued to stare, wide-eyed, until the woman was well out of earshot.
“Holy shit,” she said.
“Yeah.”
“She really does have the hots for you.”
I laughed nervously, “I guess… I guess so.”
She shook her head and walked back into the classroom. I followed her. The class erupted into speech when they saw me.
“Shh! One at a time.”
Devon was the only one who didn’t stop talking. “—and I think she was checking up on you, so Kasey started lying to her, saying that you was pissin’ or whatever. You lucky we covered your ass. Where was ya?”
“I slept in. I owe you guys a huge favor—“
“Today’s a talk day, then.” Devon said.
Kasey rolled her eyes. “Name a day that isn’t a ‘talk day.’”
I sat down on my desk and glanced at the door. Still no sign of Nate. I didn’t want to have to count him late, or even absent since it was my fault. Where was he?
“How about a compromise? You can talk about, and while doing, your senior projects.”
“Oh shit, guys!” Devon said. “I’m doing mine on Ms. Bellamy, the school counselor. She’s gay!”
“Gay how?” Asked Chris. “Like, gay-gay or gay as in you don’t want to do your project on her?”
“Naw, dude! Gay-gay, like she-does-girls-gay.”
“Is she hot?”
“Not really.”
“Then, who cares?” He asked. He cried out as Lauren drove her elbow into his ribs.
They continued to talk amongst themselves. My focus was on the door that never opened. Twenty minutes passed, but there was no sign of him. Did he get caught on the way in and sent to in-school suspension or some such? Did he feel too awkward to come in? If he dropped this class and failed, it would be my fault. I got so caught up in lust that I had forgotten that there would be lives to return to. Lives with consequences.
It was hard to focus that day. I waited for the final bell to sound before rushing out to Natalie. I had to find him. I had to tell him—
Tell him what? All my life I’ve been looking for you, but now it’s over? Were we just supposed to get on with the rest of our lives? What if it didn’t mean anything to him?
Oh, but it did. What I felt was real. I had searched for it in Artemis, in Starr, in Linda, but never knew what it was to truly connect with another person. Just this morning, my body was simply an extension of Nathan’s, his thoughts an extension of mine.
I had to find him to tell him that I was finally not alone. And neither was he.
