Ennui

Three months passed in the same fashion. Li would pick up Seth and they would go out for a couple of hours. At least once a week, Seth would slip a note under Li’s door about how Li would have to know him better before he got what he wanted. When Li knew Seth needed to feed, he’d make an idle comment about it, struggling to remain casual as time passed. Seth’s objections started as vehement denials and gradually became half-hearted brush-offs.

Seth paced his apartment. Li was late. Li was supposed to pick him up at the same time he had every day and he was late. Anxiety at finally pushing him away flooded Seth. He wrung his hands as he walked between the living room and his bedroom. After two hours of pacing, he gave in to the temptation to cross the hall.

He left his apartment and knocked on Li’s door. When no answer came after a minute, he took out the key Li had insisted on giving him and opened the door. He entered as if he owned the place though he hadn’t been in since the week they’d met. “Li, where are you?” he demanded when he didn’t see the man in the living room.

A sound from the bedroom drew Seth in there. Li was lying on the floor, still dressed in what he’d been wearing the night before. Fear tangled with concern as Seth moved to his side. He pressed a palm to Li’s forehead and found it cool to the touch. Li moaned slightly at the touch. “What are you doing, you fool?” Seth asked, irritation in his voice.

Li’s eyes fluttered open a second before closing again. His face crumpled, scrunching before he relaxed it and opened his eyes again. “What time is it?” he asked, his voice creaky with sleep.

“Going on ten,” Seth replied.

Li struggled to push himself up. “I meant to get up at eight,” he mumbled.

Seth helped him up, struggling to ignore the lightness he felt as he held Li. “When…when did you get to bed?”

“Six,” Li muttered. His head came to rest on Seth’s shoulder.

Seth caressed Li’s face. “You were up all day?”

“Needed to finish,” Li mumbled, nuzzling Seth’s shoulder, tipping his head into Seth’s hand.

“Let’s get you into bed. We don’t have to go out tonight.” He helped Li up from the floor and guided him to the bed.

Li protested even as his body easily followed Seth’s promptings. “I just need some coffee and I’ll be fine. I want to spend time with you.”

“You need to sleep. You were up for what, a whole day?” He made Li sit on the bed and was sure the only thing that kept Li upright was that Li continued to hold onto his neck.

“Only thirty hours,” Li mumbled as his head rolled back.

Seth knew it wasn’t deliberate, but need filled him, need to feed from that neck specifically. He forced himself to look away as he pushed Li back onto the bed. “Get some sleep. We can go out tomorrow.”

“Stay with me?” Li asked, his eyes closed, his breathing already slowing again.

Seth bit back a growl of frustration. He needed to go. It felt too good to have Li in his arms. He opened his mouth to say no, only to have it come out as, “For a little while.”

Li sighed and relaxed his hold on Seth’s neck, though he didn’t completely let go. Seth was forced to climb over him to get into the bed. Li turned with him so that they were facing each other, both on their sides, when he settled on the bed. “You fool,” Seth whispered, not sure which one he was talking to. Since Li didn’t respond, it had to be himself.

Through the night, he watched Li’s face as he slept. He felt calmer than he had in a very long time, just holding the man, occasionally brushing his hair back. It was a deeper stillness, a more welcome sense of peace than what he had experienced while watching the city.

It was about an hour till dawn when Li stirred. “You stayed?” he mumbled, nuzzling closer to Seth. His happiness was obvious in his voice.

“You asked me to,” Seth grumbled. He felt his arms tightening around Li and was unable to stop it. “You shouldn’t have been up so long.”

“I had to finish,” Li replied, the answer swallowed by a yawn. “Deadline and all that. Gotta earn a living.” His eyes finally focused on Seth. “You came over?”

“You were supposed to come over and you didn’t.” Seth’s voice was sharp with reprimand, though his expression was gentle.

“You worried about me?” Li asked, his voice taking on wonder.

Seth felt his face warming and he looked away. “You’ve never been late.”

Li brushed Seth’s cheek with his fingers. “Thanks for worrying about me.”

“Don’t make me worry again,” Seth growled as he pulled back. His arms begged him to stay, to continue to hold Li. “I need to get back to my apartment. Dawn is coming soon and your apartment isn’t prepared.”

“I’ll be on time tonight,” Li promised as he let Seth go. He didn’t rise, didn’t follow him out, for which Seth was grateful.

“You’d better.” He turned at the doorway. “On second thought,” he said as he leaned against the door jam. “I’ll pick you up tonight.”

Li had just sat up in the bed. He blushed and smiled. “I’d like that.”

Seth crossed the room again, to stand next to Li. He lightly touched Li’s cheek before caressing it, watching as Li leaned into the touch. He drew his hand back. “Almost,” he whispered.

“I almost know you well enough,” Li murmured, not really a question.

Seth nodded. “And I you.” He returned to the door again. “I enjoyed watching you sleep.”

“I enjoyed you being here.”

Seth smiled and left the apartment. He was pleased that Li hadn’t turned his comment into an innuendo. He wasn’t ready for those yet. He really wasn’t even ready to kiss Li again yet. He almost wished Li would push so he’d have an excuse to end this relationship. But Li just accepted his dictates.

He opened his door and frowned. That wasn’t true. Li adapted his actions so that he could still be with Seth, still spend time, but never really fully accepted Seth’s dictates without questioning, pushing them, altering them so they ended up being something very different from what Seth had originally intended. And, yet, it still somehow respected the boundaries he’d put on their relationship. Li just wouldn’t allow himself to be pushed away.

That it had taken so long for Seth to realize he’d been manipulated the whole time bothered him. Why hadn’t he noticed? He went into his room with this thought circling in his mind. Everything seemed clearer as he stripped and prepared for bed.

As dawn stole his thoughts, he wondered if it was because he gave into the urge to hold Li and if things would be even clearer when their relationship progressed.

That night, Seth felt unaccountably nervous as he dressed for the night, more nervous than he'd felt any of the times that Li had picked him up. He found himself in the bathroom for the fourth time since he woke. “This is ridiculous,” he said to the mirror. He ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it back into it's normal state.

He took a deep breath and left his apartment. Another deep breath before he knocked on the door stilled the trembling in his hand. “Ridiculous,” he muttered before Li opened the door.

“Hey.” Li smiled.

“Hey. Can...is it okay if we stay in tonight?”

Li's face conveyed his surprise even as he stepped back to allow Seth to come in. “Yeah, anything you want.”

Seth went in, looking at the floor as he passed Li. “I...it's best if you don't get your hopes up too high, though.”

Li bowed slightly. “Anything you say.”

Seth frowned, but there was nothing resembling mockery in Li's voice. “I just don't feel like going anywhere tonight.”

“I've got movies, if you want to watch.”

Seth nodded. “That sounds good.” He thought that would be benign enough an activity to occupy their time together.

Li stepped around him to a bookcase in the living room. “Here's my collection. Anything sound good?”

Seth looked over the connection, his lips twitching with humor at the titles. He pulled one out. “This,” he said after schooling his face into an impassive mask.

“Xin jiang shi xian sheng?” Li read off the title, his lips twitching with humor. “Okay.” He put the movie in the DVD player. While it loaded, he went into the kitchen. “You want a beer?”

“Is it necessary?” Seth asked as he sat on the couch. While food did not stay down, drinks were fine. He just didn’t indulge very often.

Li laughed. “That movie is better drunk.”

After a moment of thought, Seth shrugged. “Why not?” he said.

Li came out of the kitchen with two bottles. He handed one to Seth and started the movie.

They watched the movie, laughing at the abundance of slapstick humor. Another movie, Fists of Fury, and a couple more drinks and Seth felt very warm and relaxed sitting next to Li. When the movie finished, Li asked, “You wanna watch another?”

“No,” Seth said, giggling.

“What do you want to do?” Li asked, his voice rippling with answering amusement.

Seth leaned against Li. “It felt good to hold you,” he mumbled.

“It felt good to be held,” Li replied. Had Seth been less intoxicated, he would have noticed how still Li had become.

“I want to feel good,” Seth sighed, his tone becoming petulant.

“Seth,” Li began, a protest in his voice.

Seth moved so he was straddling Li's lap. “Make me feel good.”

“Seth,” Li said again, this time a groan. “Don’t test me like this.”

Seth could feel Li trembling beneath him. He leaned forward and kissed him softly. “It’s not,” he whispered.

With a moan, Li returned the kiss, his arms wrapping around Seth’s body. He let Seth remain in control, his whole body trembling with the effort to hold himself back. “Please,” he whispered every time his lips were free.

Seth didn’t give him much of an opportunity to beg. He was intent on mapping every portion of Li’s mouth with his tongue. His hands caressed Li’s chest over his shirt, running up around his neck and back down as his hips rocked along Li’s lap.

Seth’s hand slid down Li’s body and he pulled up the tee-shirt that kept his hands away from the skin underneath. He caressed Li’s abs, enjoying the feel of muscles under soft skin. He drank the moans that rose from the man beneath him, finding them more satisfying than he expected. He took his time lifting the shirt, drawing the most from each touch, each sound, until he felt Li trembling under his hands.

Sitting back a little, Seth pulled Li’s shirt off him, letting his eyes feast a moment. Well defined shoulders rose and fell with each panting breath. Naturally tanned skin glowed with arousal, his chest hairless. Seth’s hand trailed up Li’s breastbone, feeling the thudding of his heart give way to the movement of his breathing as his hand moved upwards. He felt a moan under his fingertips before he heard it. His hand continued upwards, tracing a collarbone and then the vein that pulsed, begged him to drink from it. He let his fingers follow Li’s jaw back, trace his ear before tangling in his hair and drawing him close for another kiss.

Li’s hands clung to Seth’s waist. When Seth kissed him again, Li started pulling up his shirt, pulling it out from where it had been neatly tucked in. When his fingers brushed Seth’s skin, he was rewarded with a deeper kiss. He continued his explorations, slowly pushing up fabric when it got in his way. Every move he made was deliberate, giving Seth time to protest if he wanted to.

Seth broke their kiss and threw his shirt off. He took both Li’s hands and placed them on his chest, holding his wrists. “Well?” he asked, his voice faint with lack of air.

Li caressed the skin under his palms, moving his hands to explore Seth’s entire torso when Seth released his wrists. Though less built than Li’s body, Seth’s was still well defined, his skin soft to touch.. “I like,” he whispered. “I like very much.”

“Good,” Seth said with a smirk. He reached between their bodies and unzipped Li’s fly, pulling out the erect flesh he found there. “Very good,” he purred, stroking the length of it.

Li’s eyes focused on Seth’s as he mimicked his actions, unzipping his pants and wrapping his fingers firmly around his shaft.

Seth shivered, moaning softly at the touch. “No farther,” he panted. “Just this.”

Li’s free hand brushed Seth’s cheek and pushed his hair behind his ear. “This is good,” he moaned, a groan almost swallowing the words as Seth’s movements became firmer.

Seth reclaimed Li’s mouth, kissing him deeply, his tongue thrusting in time to the strokes of his hand.

Li tried to draw Seth into his body, tried to get closer to the man in his lap as their hands moved quicker. Their hips thrust, the rhythm bringing their shafts into contact as they moved together. Seth pressed his body closer, trying to prolong that contact.

Their climax neared and Seth’s lips left Li’s for his neck. Li’s begging became frantic as he rolled his head away, baring his neck to Seth. As orgasm started to overwhelm Li, Seth’s teeth penetrated the delicate skin, sending Li over into screaming pleasure. A stroke, a swallow and Seth found the total completion he’d been missing since Constantin had brought him over.

Seth drifted on lazy contentment, feeling Li’s heart pounding beneath his chest, feeling the rapid rise and fall as they both struggled to breathe again. Movement, worry, anxiety was far away from him. All that mattered was the luxuriating warmth that filled him. He sighed, nuzzling into Li. “So good,” he purred.

“Yes,” Li agreed as heartily as his breathlessness allowed. “So good.”

As their bodies calmed, Seth whispered, “I’m still afraid.” He shivered, the admission bringing the terror that he’d be left alone to the forefront of his mind.

Li wrapped his arms around Seth. Anything he could think of to say sounded trite, self-serving. “I’ll be here,” he said at last.

Seth wrapped himself around Li as much as the couch would allow him. “I’ve been alone for so long.” In that moment, he realized he had been alone since he pushed Constantin away. He’d allowed Li closer to him than any of his previous ‘lovers.’

Li continued to hold Seth. “We’ll go as slow as you need.” He tightened his arms. “I wish I knew how to fix everything,” he whispered, knowing it was futile for him to say so.

They sat in silence, holding onto each other, until dawn approached. Seth drew back slowly, not ready to leave the security he felt yet. “Will you join me today?”

“My room stays dark, if you want. I have blackout liner over the windows.”

Seth nodded. “I need a shower quickly,” he murmured. He stood but didn’t move.

Li rose and guided him to the bathroom. He removed the rest of their clothing as Seth hung listlessly. “Are you okay?” he whispered as he guided Seth into the tub.

“My head hurts. My chest hurts.” Seth sounded very young when he spoke.

Li started the water and held Seth close. He held him until stillness stole over the shorter man, leaving deadweight leaning against his chest. He washed their bodies, carefully supporting Seth so he didn’t collapse on the ground. He carried the man into his room and laid him on a robe on the bed before drying him gently and rolling him onto the sheets. He dried himself, dressed in a tee-shirt and boxers, and crawled in, wrapping his arms around Seth’s still form.


about the movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0105857/