Touru to Shidou/Touru and Shidou

~*~*~*~Touru

Mom was so excited about taking me shopping for a dress that we went right after lunch. Prom was two weeks away and she wanted to make sure we could get the dress adjusted if we needed to. I told her I could make the adjustments, but she just pish-poshed me. I had to laugh because I hadn’t every actually heard anyone say “pish-posh” before. Shidou and I actually had our first fight over what color dress I was going to wear. I found one that was silvery grey silk, a halter cut neckline and low cut in the back with strips connecting the collar to the back. He wanted me to wear red or green. I finally told him to leave and I would pick out my dress. He pouted and told me he liked how red and green made my eyes look. Both the dresses he liked were cut higher in the back, so I pulled him over, putting his hands around my waist while in the grey dress. The dress was low enough that his hands were on my skin. “Are you sure you want me to get one of the other two?” I asked.

I felt his hands flex against my skin, as if he were unsure if he was allowed to actually touch me. He bent over to whisper in my ear, “If you get this one, we probably won’t be staying at the prom any longer than it takes to get pictures.”

We were in the dressing room, and I was glad we were. I ran my hands up his arms around his neck, “You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Touru,” he moaned my name and I could feel it through my body. Very slowly, his face a study of pain, he pulled me away from him. I let him, my hands sliding down my arms. “Touru,” he said again, “I want to go slowly with you. You are too much of a temptation, don’t you understand?”

I ducked my head. He was right. I wasn’t being fair to him, or to us, really. “I’m sorry, Shidou. You’re right. I’m not helping anything.”

He lifted my chin very gently, “Go ahead and get the dress, but get another one to wear to prom. Save this one for graduation, okay?”

“Graduation?” There wasn’t a formal for graduation.

“My parents are taking me out to a very fancy restaurant for graduation, like tux style restaurant. I want you to come with us.”

I dropped my eyes, “I can’t get two dresses right now.” I could barely afford one with what I’d put aside for a new computer.

He lifted my chin again, “Then I’ll buy one for a graduation present for you. This dress looks and feels incredible on you. You should have it. But not for prom.” He slid his hand along my jaw and kissed me before leaving the dressing room. Mom was just outside the door with a couple more dresses. She didn’t say anything, stepping aside as Shidou left without a word. I found another dress that I liked, and Shidou found us in the shoe department. He liked the second dress. It was a pale green satin with long sleeves that belled a little around my wrists. It was cut to mid back and flared to the ground, the color darkening to a deep emerald around the hem. I got shoes to go with both dresses, at Mom’s insistence. Both pairs were kitten heeled, I couldn’t really walk in anything higher, one pair strappy silver, the other a simple black.

~*~*~*~Shidou

I had to get out of the dressing room or I would have done a lot more than just hold him. I have never had to seek out a mall bathroom for that purpose before, but the feel of his skin, the way he looked at me, the way he looked in that dress. I almost had to bite my hand in the bathroom. I was very glad for the noisy fans as I couldn’t keep my breathing very quiet. I washed my face and returned to find them laughing over shoes. Neither of them asked me anything and I was glad. After they decided on shoes, we went home and helped Mom get dinner ready. Pop was home and Touru went to talk to him outside for a while. When Dad got home, he was tired, but said they had a plea arranged. Touru would have to go to court, but it was just an evidentiary hearing, so it shouldn’t be too bad. Touru was a little pale, but he nodded and asked when.

“Three months,” Dad answered. “It’s kinda fast, really.”

Touru shifted uncomfortably, looking at his plate, “I’m not looking forward to it.”

“No, I wouldn’t expect you to be,” Dad replied.

“It’ll be over then?” Touru asked so softly, it was almost as if he wasn’t talking to us.

“Yeah, it should be,” Dad replied, “I really hope so.”

The rest of the meal was pretty quiet. We all went to the living room and Pop put in a movie. Touru and I sat in the chair, him halfway on my lap, while the parents sat on the couch. We fell asleep, Touru and I, during the movie. I meant to take him home, but I woke up and we’d been covered with a blanket and the room was dark. He was whimpering a little. I whispered that I loved him and he calmed and I went back to sleep.

~*~*~*~Touru

Shidou was looking at me when I woke up in his arms. It wasn’t really comfortable in the chair. “Good morning, sleepy head,” he whispered, kissing my cheek.

I yawned, nuzzling into his shoulder and groaned at him. I couldn’t really think well enough to talk before I wrote something. It’s pretty sad, but it’d been that way for almost as long as I’d been writing. I started in junior high, so, a while.

“Need help up?” he asked, his voice still soft. I moaned and nodded. He pushed me a little. “Awake?” he asked and I rubbed my face, shaking my head. “Computer?” he asked. It sounded like he was laughing at me, but I couldn’t focus well enough to figure it out. I nodded and he led me to his room, sitting me in front of the keyboard. “Here,” he said, “I’ll make breakfast.” I grunted at him, waving as I put my hands on the keys. I heard him laugh as he left the room. I scrunched my face at the monitor, trying to see and not be blinded by it at the same time. I wrote out my nightmare. I remembered it, which was unusual, but I hoped that by writing it out, it would be out of my head. Some times that worked, sometimes it didn’t.

I was reading over what I’d written when Shidou came back into the room. I looked over to him and smiled a little, “Good morning.”

He leaned against the doorframe. “You like that every morning?”

“Yeah.” I could feel my cheeks getting warm.

He shrugged, “So long as I know what to expect. I already ate. You were so focused when I came back to tell you it was ready, I let you finish. Go eat, then I’ll take you home, if you want.”

I stood and went over to hug him, “Not really, but our second date has to end sometime, right?”

He hugged me back, “Not really. I’d be fine with it if we moved you in here today, but I think that would be rushing things.”

I nodded against his shoulder, “Yeah.” I sighed, “I’m starting with Pop on Monday. I can get an apartment in about a month. So, I have things to do today.” I pulled away from him. “You can read what I wrote. I’m not gonna post it, but you can read it if you want.”

“What’s it about?”

“Nightmare. I don’t normally remember them, but I did today so I wrote it out. Maybe it’ll stay out of my head now.”

He ran his finger behind my ear as if my hair were longer than it was and kissed me lightly on the lips, “I hope so, too. Go eat and then we’ll see what we want to do.”

~*~*~*~Shidou

Touru’s nightmare was disturbing, more sad than anything, really. His relatives chasing him around with a knife, threatening both of us unless one of us became a girl. The dream twisted from there, both of us turning into girls, and them continuing to persecute us, continuing to chase us. They caught us and started cutting us, and we turned back into boys and they kept cutting. He then heard someone say they loved him and a wall appeared between us and them. He saw his sister telling him to be happy. I stared at the screen awhile, trying to figure out what to say, what to think. He went into a lot of detail. It was worse than the gore movies Pop sometimes liked to watch with Dad to get Dad to cling to him. It might have made a good movie, if it hadn’t been what Touru dreamed. I jumped out of my skin when someone touched me. I turned. Touru looked startled. “I’m sorry,” I said, grabbing his hand and moving the chair back so I could pull him into my lap.

“It’s okay. It’s pretty bad, I know.”

I just held him. I didn’t know what to say. He rested his head against my shoulder and we sat there for a while, long enough for the monitor to go off and the parents to begin to get up. I squeezed him tightly, “I’ll protect you. I won’t let them cut you.”

“They already did,” he murmured.

“What?” I demanded, pushing him away from my chest.

He stood and lifted his tee shirt, showing me a rather thick scar from just under his rib cage to his navel. My hand went to it, hesitating just above his skin and looking up into his eyes, “Why?”

He took my hand and pressed it to the scar, “They thought I had a demon in me and it had to be cut out.”

I ran my thumb along the edges, “They…they didn’t take you to a hospital to get it sewn up?”

He shook his head, “I don’t remember. I passed out. Woke up with a bunch of people hovering over me and yelling.”

I was pissed. I’d never been so angry, never. “They will never ever touch you again. I swear to god I will hurt them if they so much as lay a finger on you.” My body was shaking.

He laid a hand on my head, “Shidou, it’s okay. I won’t see them again. It’ll be okay.”

“No! It’s not okay, Touru. Things like this shouldn’t happen! They shouldn’t! They shouldn’t,” my voice broke. He pulled me up and held me. I hated that I cried when I was pissed, but he just held me and let me cry. I clung to him and he stroked my back. I was drained when I stopped crying.

He sat me back in the chair and remained standing. “There are more scars, Shidou. Should I show you now? Tell you what those guys did and why I was in the hospital?”

I was exhausted. I didn’t think I could get angry again. “Now would probably be the best time.”

He pushed his pants down to just above his pubic bone. There was a crisscross of scars, these sewn up, the scars from the stitches showing, between his navel and pants. Very lightly, I ran my fingers over a couple of them. I felt myself choking up again, this time I hurt. It hurt to see them. “What happened?” I asked, looking up at his face. His eyes were pain-filled.

He pulled his pants back up and sat on my lap, “Those guys thought that they could make me a girl by cutting off my dick. A cop found us. My relatives didn’t feel that charges needed to be pressed, so the case was dropped, or more likely, shoved under a carpet somewhere. I got an infection and was in the hospital for three days.”

“Why?” I asked, my voice sounding pitiful to my own ears.

“Because I am gay. My parents knew and they were okay with it, supportive, never made me feel anything was wrong with it. Thalia liked boys and girls, and my parents were fine with that, too. To them, what mattered was that we were happy. It never occurred to me that other people wouldn’t be so open. My family, they found out when I was forced to come live with them. They’re my cousins, actually. My grandparents died and other things. They were the only family I still have alive, so I came to live with them. At first, they were okay with that. When they found out about Malachi, they started getting weird. The husband, he even made me watch porn and it did nothing for me, really. They started taking me to this church. They yelled a lot, but I could space that out. They thought that I was demon possessed because I got spacey and was gay. Then, they starting thinking that maybe Thalia and I had done stuff and I wasn’t allowed to talk about her or my parents. The only reason I still have my pictures is that I’d hidden them at school in one of the teacher’s rooms. I had to keep all my writing online and stuff. Some of it’s still there, locked away.” He shrugged, “I was there for seventeen very long months. The day I turned eighteen, I had a job lined up and a place to live. They didn’t let me work or anything like that, so I had to do what I could. My manager at work is the one who hired me. He’s really cool. The boarding house is where I could find that would let me move in before I had money.” He sighed, “I don’t really know if they threw me out or I left, y’know?”

“Fuck,” I whispered, pulling him tight to me. My head was on his chest and his was on the top of my head. I don’t know who was comforting who, but we sat there a long time, just holding each other.

He kissed the top of my head, “I love you.”

I looked up and brought my hand up to his cheek, “I love you so much. I wish I could have spared you so much pain. Thank you for trusting me.” I pulled gently and he followed, letting me kiss him gently on the lips. It was a healing kiss, making me feel secure again.

~*~*~*~Touru

I didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but he knew. It was only right that he knew everything, the worst, up front. I didn’t want to hurt him, but there was no way to avoid it. He clung to me, I wasn’t sure which of us needed it more, though. I knew his parents were aware of what was going on. His bedroom door was open the whole time. I didn’t look to see if they looked in on us, though. It didn’t matter to me. He mattered. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but you needed to know and I thought it would be better sooner rather than later.”

“Don’t apologize, Touru. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He pulled me down again and kissed me. Instead of letting me up, though, he continued to hold onto my neck, holding me bent over him, looking into my eyes, his hands in my hair. “I meant it, Touru. Thank you for trusting me.” His eyes were very serious.

“I love you, Shidou. You don’t need to thank me.” I kissed him lightly before moving to stand, “C’mon, let’s get you a drink. I’m sure you’re thirsty, aren’t you?”

He nodded and stood, holding my hand as we walked out of the room. Pop was in the living room, watching us. I got the feeling he’d seen the whole thing. It didn’t bother me, really, though. I stopped, Shidou right behind me and he nodded at us, “You boys are doing well. I’m glad.”

I grinned a little at him, “Why is that?” He really did make me feel like my dad was here again, like I could really talk to him again. I liked it. I missed being part of a real family.

He stretched and stood up from the couch, “Cause it means you’re healing, Touru. Healing is always good, even if it hurts.”

“Spying?” Shidou asked, his voice tired and a little peevish.

Pop shook his head, “No, Touru was aware of me, I saw him glance over, but I knew you didn’t need any medaling parents involved, so I stayed out here. I also know you, m’boy. Your temper can be pretty wild at times, so I also stayed to make sure you didn’t do anything stupid.” He walked over and ruffled both our hair, “Besides, who am I to interrupt the course of ‘twuu wuv’.”

Shidou groaned and I looked at him puzzled. “You have a thing for Hamlet. He has a thing for the Princess Bride.”

“Oh, uh…never seen it,” I muttered, looking between the two.

Shidou muttered “Lucky” while Pop declared I must, that moment, remedy the situation. Though Shidou tried to get us away, Mom and Mama came in to help Pop sit us in front of the TV and start the movie. Dad and Shidou managed to escape by offering to pick up lunch from a near by Indian food restaurant. It took them nearly two hours to get the food.

~*~*~*~Shidou

We had lunch, and quotes, and laughter, even from me and Dad, even though we’d seen the movie enough to hate it. It was beyond cute to hear Touru say “In-con-CIEV-able” and Pop reply “I do not think that means what you think it means”…but only the first couple of times. “Keep that up and I’ll start throwing things,” I glared at both of them. They laughed, and started quoting other lines. I groaned and let my head hit the table.

Touru lifted my chin and kissed my forehead, “Don’t do that, silly.”

“Stop quoting that movie.”

“It’s not that bad,” he countered, grinning at me.

“Maybe not the first fifty times…” I groaned.

He leaned on my shoulder, “I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

I ruffled his hair and said, “I’ll take you home so you can get stuff done, okay?”

He sighed heavily and nodded, “Yeah, I got stuff to do and homework and stuff.”

“Oh, so eloquent. Didn’t your English teacher tell you stuff isn’t a noun?”

He snorted, “You got her too?”

“Yep,” I laughed.

“Well, I still have stuff to do,” he returned, emphasizing ‘stuff.’

“Well, then, I suppose we should go, then, before the dreaded Grammar Nazi shows up and starts correcting you!”

He laughed and said bye to the parents, hugging them all. He left his dresses in my room, saying he felt better about them being there. When we got in the car, I turned to him, “Touru, if you’re not safe…”

“It’s not that, Shidou. I just don’t trust him when I’m not there. I don’t really have anything valuable in my room, except maybe my computer and that’s passworded and he’s not savvy enough to figure out how to use that. He considers them a waste of time.” He shrugged, “I should be able to get a place in about a month. Don’t worry, Shidou. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I am going to worry. How could I not? I love you, Touru.”

He reached for my cheek, “I know. I didn’t mean to make you worry or upset you at all. I tell you things because I love you and you need to know, okay?”

I leaned forward and kissed him lightly, letting my forehead rest against his, “I know. I just want to keep the bad things from happening anymore.”

He held me a little longer before pulling away and kissing my forehead. I gave him a lopsided grin and started the car. We drove back to his place in relative silence. He groaned when we turned the corner and I looked at him. His face was pale. “Touru?”

~*~*~*~Touru

Oh, gods, not this, please not this. “It’s my cousins,” I answered. No more, not this weekend, no more, please.

I jumped when Shidou put his hand on mine. “It’ll be okay. I’ll stay with you.”

“That’ll make it worse,” I cried. Oh, gods, please not more, please.

His face was tense. “I’m not leaving until I know you’re okay, Touru.” He put his hand on my wrist and that made me calmer and more panicked at the same time. “Tell me what you want me to do, but I’m not listening if you tell me to just leave.” He squeezed my wrist, “I’m not gonna let them hurt you, Touru.” I took a deep breath and nodded and he parked the car. Before he got out, though, he took his phone out of his pocket and began pushing buttons.

“What are you doing?” I whispered, watching at my cousins glared at us. The landlord was on the sidewalk, talking to them.

“Texting Dad, asking him to come over.” He closed his phone and looked at me, “They’re not gonna get away with anything, Touru. Breathe and be calm. They’ll be here.”

I nodded at him and looked back at my cousins. They were starting to walk toward the car. Shidou squeezed my hand quickly and said, “Let’s go. Remember. I’m here, Dad’s coming, and probably Pop at least, too. You’re not alone.”

I nodded again, taking another deep breath. I wasn’t alone. We both got out of the car and my cousins stalked over to me. Rachel was waving papers at me and I backed up unconsciously, to run into Shidou. He didn’t hold me, just stood there. I felt both trapped and safe.

“How…how dare you!” she screamed. “How dare you! After we tried to help you!” She flung the papers around, waving them so I couldn’t see what they were.

“We take you in, do our best to help you and this is how you repay us? You ungrateful wretch. And…you,” Andrew pointed at Shidou, “you…demon!” he growled out.

Shidou’s voice was so calm behind me, “I’m sorry sir, I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure of meeting. My name is Shidou Itsumuri, and you are?” He held out his hand to them.

Andrew recoiled from him, “You’re the devil is what you are! Corrupting the poor boy! We did our best to undo the damage his family…”

“I suggest you stop now,” Shidou’s voice was bitterly cold.

Rachel began to wring her hands and wail, “Oh, god, we did our best, oh, lord, we pray your help.”

~*~*~*~Shidou

I could feel Touru shaking. I was angry and scared. The guy looked like he could take me down easily. The woman, though, she was tiny. I swallowed and said, “Your name, sir?”

“I’ll not give my name to the likes of you!” he spat out at me.

“Andrew,” Touru said, “Andrew and Rachel Miller.”

The woman screamed, putting her hands over her ears. I could see several people watching us. Dad, I thought, please hurry. “Is there a reason you’re here?” I asked as politely as I could.

The man, Andrew, drew himself up to his full height, at least a good half foot taller than me, and I was far from short at 5 foot 11. “That is none of your business, demon!”

“He’s not a demon!” Touru yelled. I put my hand on his back and could feel him shaking. “He’s not. He’s a nice guy!”

The woman continued to moan and wail, while Andrew looked ready to explode. He reached out for Touru and I stepped in front of him, pushing him behind me. “You are not allowed to touch him!”

“Get thee behind me,” he growled out.

“What are you talking about?” I asked, truly puzzled by his wording.

“Get thee behind me, Satan!” he yelled again.

“Satan?” I asked. “I’m sorry, my family is not of your religion. Could you explain what you’re talking about?”

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say, though. A crucifix was shoved in my face and I recoiled from it, “What are you doing?” Touru ran, heading into the house, dodging around the landlord and his cousin. I heard a car pull up behind me, but really didn’t feel safe enough to turn and look.

“Is there some reason you’re assaulting my son?” I heard Dad’s voice behind me.

The man practically hissed at Dad. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Pop and Mama head into the house. The landlord moved to step in front of them, but he looked at Mama. She can have a mean stare. He stepped aside and they went in. Dad said, “Go with them. I’ll take care of this.”

~*~*~*~Touru

I abandoned him. I left him at their mercy. I was so sorry, but I couldn’t stay. I couldn’t bear hearing them again. I had to get away. I curled in the corner between my bed and the wall and pulled my blankets over me. I couldn’t bear it anymore. Oh, gods, please make it go away.

I heard the door open and I flinched away, trying to get into the wall. I covered my ears. I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want to see them. I closed my eyes and pressed them to my knees until I saw stars exploding.

The blanket was pulled off of me and I flinched, waiting for the beating that was sure to come. Fingers pulled at my hands, trying to take them off my ears, but I clung to my ears. I didn’t want to hear their recriminations. I didn’t want to hear them talk about my parents or Thalia or Malachi.

A hand rested on my head and didn’t move. It just laid there. I trembled, waiting for something bad to happen. I waited for my hair to be pulled, for my head to be hit, but nothing happened. I looked up slowly, afraid. It was…”Papa!” I cried, burying my head in his shoulder. He held me and rocked me, letting me cry, telling me he would keep me safe, he wouldn’t let them hurt me anymore. I clung to him and he held me.

~*~*~*~Shidou

I had never seen anyone so afraid before. I tried to get him to hear me, to get him to listen, but he wouldn’t. He fought me when I tried to tell him it was me. Pop put a hand on my shoulder and I looked at him, worried so much my stomach hurt. “Let me try something, Shidou. We’ll help him. He will be okay.”

I watched him place his hand on Touru’s head and wait. It took so long for him to look up. The fear on his face twisted my gut into worse knots. When he cried “Papa,” I wanted to reach over to him, but Mama held me back. I glared at her and she pulled me into the tiny bathroom.

“Why won’t you let me help him?” I demanded. I needed to hold him. I needed to reassure him and me that everything was okay, that it would be okay.

“He needs a parent right now, Shidou.” She held my arm, “And, so do you.”

I sat hard on the toilet, surprised and relieved it was closed. “I want to help him, Mama. I want to hold him, I need it.”

“Why, Shidou?” she asked softly.

“I need to know he’s okay. I need to hold him, I need him.” I started sobbing and she held my head to her stomach, letting me cry. I’d never cried so much in a week before. I wrapped my arms around her waist and she stroked my hair, letting me sob into her body. “I hate crying,” I sobbed out.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but sometimes the way to happiness is through a lot of pain, my boy. I can’t say I wish I could spare you because that would also make you not enjoy your happiness as much.” She pulled me away from her stomach and made me look up at her. “My darling son,” she began, getting some toilet paper and wiping my face like I was still a little kid. “I can’t tell you how proud we are, how proud I am that you are such a strong, confident, open-minded and caring person. I don’t think a parent could ask for more.”

I leaned against her. “Mama?”

“Yes, love?”

“What happened to Touru…does that happen to other people, too?”

She sighed, “Not as much as it used to, but yes, it does still happen.”

“I wanna make it stop. I don’t want anyone else to hurt like he does. I wish he didn’t hurt, too, but I can’t do anything but be with him. I hope that helps him, some. But, I want to make the hurting stop.”

Touru’s voice was very soft when he answered, “I believe you will. And you being with me does help.”

I looked up and he was standing in the door, Pop’s arm around his waist. He still was pale, his face streaked with tears, but he looked determined. I reached for him and he took my hand. We just held each other’s hands a while, him leaning against Pop, me against Mama, just being quiet.

After a bit, he tweaked my hand, “C’mon, help me pack. Pop and I worked out a deal to get me an apartment this weekend. Help me pack, okay?”

I stood up and hugged him tightly. He returned the hug just as tightly and we held on for a long time before separating. He didn’t have much to pack and everything was loaded into the van and the trunk of my car in short order. No one said anything when Dad joined us, but the cousins were gone when we took the first load downstairs. The landlord only glared at us.

That night, Touru’s stuff was in the cars and he slept in my bed. It took us both a long time to fall asleep. We didn’t talk, just held each other, stroking each other’s hair back. Neither of us felt like kissing or anything else. We left the desk light on. When he drifted off, finally, he curled into my chest and I held him until I, too, fell asleep.