Jelly Babies

Many, many thanks to Snidne, FlamesEmbrace, Doll'sEyes, StoryJunkie, Moonstar and Tenshistar for their lovely words of encouragement. Hearing from you always makes me so happy! Marzi doesn't show up in this chapter, either. But we will be hearing from him in in Chapter Seven. And Cassie will definitely be back. As for Kale, I used the last chapter to remind everyone what a badass he is, because in this chapter he does something very un-badass.

And now I'm off to catch up on all the story updates I missed while I was away!

Love,
Falcon

Jelly Babies

Chapter Six

Pepper hesitated in the office doorway, reluctant to disturb Kale. Normally, she preferred to let Marzi deal with his part-demon lover, but it seemed ridiculous to wake Marzi just to ask Kale a simple question. If she was willing to accept Kale’s help, she should be willing to talk to him.

“Kale? Have you seen Nicholas anywhere?”

Kale looked up, and Pepper could feel his gaze stalk across her body, like a detective searching his crime scene for clues. This time, it only took him a moment to realize who he was dealing with. “He was up on the rim about an hour ago. I haven’t seen him since then.”

“Thank you.” Pepper knew the conversation had ended. But for some reason, she lingered, watching Kale. How strange to look at the person who murdered you. And how strange not to hate them for it. That had always been the source of her awkwardness around Kale – it wasn’t that she hated him, but that she felt like she didn’t hate him nearly enough. What did it say about her, that she couldn’t despise the person who had cut out her heart? Did it make her a saint? Or a fool?

Kale arched his eyebrow, seeming to ask if there was anything else, and Pepper felt blood rush to her cheeks. Hastily, she turned to leave. But before she could slip away, Kale called to her.

“Pepper! Wait. I--. Please, come back for a moment. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Puzzled, Pepper complied. As she stepped back into the office, Kale rose, and offered her his chair. “Have a seat. I know it must be tiring to stand, with the baby and all...”

“Thank you.” Despite the kindness of his gesture, when Pepper sat down, she couldn’t help feeling like a fly making itself comfortable in a spider’s web. But Kale didn’t seem to have set any traps. Instead, he simply stood before her, looking more uncomfortable than she could ever remember seeing him.

For a long moment, neither of them disturbed the silence. The only movement in the room was Kale’s fist, clenching and unclenching like the beat of a silent heart. Then, addressing a point somewhere just above Pepper’s head, he finally spoke. “Balberith told me something, once. And I suppose he should know. He said that any angel can fall, can become a demon, but no demon can ever be redeemed and become an angel. What do you think of that?”

“I think it’s a miracle that heaven isn’t empty.”

She hadn’t picked her answer to please Kale, but it seemed to anyway, because his eyes met hers, and the corner of his mouth curled into a genuine smile. “Perhaps it is. I don’t suppose that I’ll ever find out.”

“You might be surprised.”

“I might be. A lot has surprised me recently.” Kale’s fist clenched for a final time, and he took a deep breath. “I love your brother very much. I think, maybe, I loved him from the first moment I saw him. But I didn’t understand love. All I understood was lust, and possession, and power. When I performed the ritual, I truly thought that I was giving him the greatest gift that I could. I didn’t understand...”

Pepper opened her mouth, but a look from Kale immediately made her shut it again. Something seemed to writhe in the depths of his green eyes, like a ghost that desperately wanted to be put to rest. And she knew, instinctively, that if he did not speak of this now, he would not speak of it again.

“I didn’t understand the way he felt about you. I didn’t understand that no power I could give him would ever erase the pain of losing his sister. If I’d understood, I never would have...” Kale shook his head. “The things I did never used to bother me. But now, when the rest of the world is quiet, I no longer hear silence. I hear the noise you made as I plunged the knife into your chest. When I close my eyes, I no longer see darkness. I see Marzi, lying in the snow, ready to die because he thought I didn’t love him and never had. And I know I have committed a wrong so great that I can never atone for it.”

“Kale--”

“So maybe Balberith is right. Maybe God’s mercy can never extend to demons. But what does God’s mercy matter to me? I’ve never seen God. I’ve never even seen an angel. All I’ve ever seen is you. I’ve seen the darkness in Marzi’s soul, and I’ve seen the peace that you give him. And I...”

To Pepper’s utter astonishment, Kale dropped to his knees, and bowed his head forward until it nearly rested in her lap. “I’m sorry that I hurt him. I’m sorry that I hurt you. Please forgive me.”

Pepper could not know how this scene echoed another, when her brother had knelt before Kale until his body ached, trying to give his love to a man who didn’t deserve it. But maybe that was the thing about both love and forgiveness. Maybe they weren’t something that you held clutched in your hand, waiting for someone to earn them. Maybe they truly were gifts to be given – even to the undeserving. Tears filled Pepper’s eyes, and she could hardly see as she reached out and rested her hand on the top of Kale’s bowed head. Now, finally, she felt anger. But not directed at Kale. Only at a universe which offered him no hope, promised him nothing except hell. “I forgive you,” she whispered. “And I don’t believe in a God that isn’t capable of doing likewise.”

“Thank you.” Still, he didn’t lift his head to look at her. “I know it’s not enough to make up for what I did. But I swear that I’ll give my life to protect him. And you. And even that idiot lover of yours.”

Kale’s inability to keep from insulting Nicholas, even while begging for redemption, made Pepper giggle. Gently, she placed her fingers under Kale’s chin, and tilted his face up, until she could see her tears reflected in his eyes. Then she bent forward, and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “I know you will.”

“Boss?”

Both Pepper and Kale twisted toward the office doorway, where they saw Sylvia, a puzzled expression on her face. Immediately, Kale jumped to his feet. “I was just—“ he started to explain.

Sylvia raised her gloved hands, as if they could repel Kale’s words. “I don’t want to know. Really, I don’t. I just came to remind Miss Penicandey that it’s time for her weekly checkup.”

Pepper blinked. In her rush to find and talk to Nicholas, she’d completely forgotten about that. “Of course,” she murmured, struggling to her feet. “Kale, if you see Nicholas, would you--?”

“I’ll tell him where to find you.”

“Thank you.” Then, Pepper placed her hand in Sylvia’s, and allowed the healer lead her from Kale’s office.

*****

Nicholas gave his usual knock – two quick pauses followed by three longer ones. And, a moment later, he heard Sylvia’s voice telling him to come in. The storage space that Kale had cleared for his healer was smaller than the one he’d given to Marzi, Pepper, and Nicholas, but Sylvia had already begun to cover its walls with sketches she’d done of the club’s patrons, giving the room a comfortable, homey feel. As he entered, Nicholas scanned the faces, searching for Cassie’s familiar features. But apparently Sylvia hadn’t yet chosen her as a subject. For a moment, Nicholas considered asking Sylvia to do a portrait of his friend. Then, he saw Pepper sitting on Sylvia’s bed, and all thoughts of Cassie blew away like the last wisps of smoke carried from a snuffed candle.

Sylvia stood beside Pepper, resting one hand on the vast expanse of Pepper’s belly. She held her other hand out, with its palm turned upward, and hovering just above her fingers Nicholas could see a reddish ball of light, pulsing regularly. Glancing at Nicholas, Sylvia graced him with one of her rare smiles. “That’s you baby’s heartbeat,” she informed, nodding at the light.

Nicholas stared. Other than the changing shape of Pepper’s body, this was the first time he’d seen real evidence of his child. Part of him wanted to reach out and touch the small light, caress its flickering outline, and part of him was deathly afraid that doing so might somehow hurt the fragile life it represented. Who was this new person about to enter his world? Would she play with dolls, or would she be a tomboy? Would she inherit her mother’s talent for magic? Or Marzi’s effortless charm? Would she like to sing? Nicholas imagined a little girl sitting in his lap, belting out the words of a song with tuneless enthusiasm, and his own heart seemed to dissolve into something no more substantial than the light that hovered over Sylvia’s palm. A cry rose in his throat, a strange mixture of joy and terror, and he clamped his hand over his mouth, even though he knew no sound could ever escape him.

Seeming to understand, just as she always did, Pepper beckoned to Nicholas, and he went to her. Sitting on the bed beside his lover, Nicholas wrapped her in an urgent embrace. He was in too deep, way over his head, but at least he wouldn’t be forced to swim this ocean alone. Pepper would be there with him. Wise, gentle Pepper would show him how to be a good parent, how to raise this soul that had been entrusted to them. With Pepper at his side, everything would be okay.

Sylvia removed her hand from Pepper’s stomach, and the light blinked out. “Both mother and child seem to be in excellent health. Have you been doing the exercises I showed you?”

“Every morning when I get up.”

“Good. And are you still having trouble with leg cramps?”

“A little.” Pepper reached over and closed her hand around Nicholas’s. “But Nicholas gives wonderful massages.”

“Then I guess that’s everything for now.”

Pepper nodded. But she didn’t get up. “Sylvia? I need to talk to Nicholas about something, and since we’re both already here, would it be alright--?”

“Not a problem,” Sylvia assured. “I was just going to order some dinner. Thought I might try that swanky Cuban place over on 6th.”

“Habana? Do they deliver?”

“They do if they’re paying protection money to your boss.” Sylvia shrugged. “Perks. After ten years of service, I figure I deserve to enjoy a few of them. Can I get anything for either of you?”

“I just ate a little while ago. Nicholas?”

Nicholas did feel hunger beginning to gnaw at his stomach, but now didn’t seem like the time to be wasting his attention on food. Not when Pepper needed to talk to him. Later, he would get some peanuts or pretzels at the club bar. Glancing at Sylvia, he shook his head.

“Not even a Happy Meal?”

Nicholas smiled sheepishly, acknowledging the joke. And also acknowledging that Sylvia had saved his life.

“Alright, then. You two have a good talk. I’ll see you later.”

After Sylvia left, Pepper turned to Nicholas, and cradled his face in her hands, as if she needed to keep him from falling. Briefly, her lips brushed against his. Then she bowed her head, hiding her eyes behind a torrent of long brown hair. “Oh, honey. I can hardly make myself say this. You know that I love you. You know that I’d stay with you if I could...”

If I could...? Without warning, half of Nicholas’s world broke loose and dropped away, leaving him teetering on the edge of a vast, hungry darkness. If I could...? Why couldn’t she? Was she in danger? Sick? But Sylvia had just said that both mother and child were in excellent condition!

“It’s the prophecy. Mother, sister, and daughter to herself. I just realized what that means. I’m going to be reborn, Nicholas. Our child is going to be me. And I don’t think that I get to keep any part of this life. I don’t think that I get to remember. Except, maybe, a few brief flashes, and dreams about something that used to be.”

Nicholas bit his lip. The darkness inside him churned, revealing glimpses of the things that dwelled within it. Grief, fear, and anger reached for him with eager claws, and for a moment, Nicholas almost surrendered to them, another soul sacrificed to appease cruel gods. But then he caught himself. No. He would not be selfish. This was good for Pepper. This was her chance to have a new body, a new life -- her chance to forget the pain she had suffered in this one. If forgetting her pain meant forgetting him, then that was a burden he could carry. A burden he would have accepted right from the very beginning, and considered it a bargain if it bought him even a minute of the joy he felt when she smiled in his direction.

“Nicholas?”

Turning his back on the darkness, Nicholas gazed into Pepper’s eyes, and willed her to somehow hear his words. It’s alright. I’m happy for you. And I’ll do my best to make sure you have a good life this time around. Awkwardly, he shaped one of the few sign language phrases he’d managed to learn. I love you.

Relief seemed to sweep across Pepper, and she hurled her arms around Nicholas, nearly crushing him. “Thank you! I was so worried that you’d be angry. Thank you for understanding.”

Always. Anything for you.

“Come on. Let’s go back to our room.”

Nicholas helped Pepper to her feet, and escorted her back to their room. Then he lay in bed beside her, stoking her hair, letting the long silky strands slip through his fingers again and again, like an entire life unraveling. Like unweaving the threads of a fate he could no longer control. Eventually, Pepper’s breath grew heavy and rough, telling him that she’d fallen asleep. But a similar oblivion failed to close his eyes.

Careful not to disturb Pepper, Nicholas slipped out of bed, and pulled the covers up over her. Gently, he tucked them under her chin, before pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek. Then, he left their room behind, and headed for the club’s main area.

By now, the dance floor was packed. Eager to lose himself in the crowd, Nicholas pushed through the writhing bodies, until he reached the back wall. But tonight, he barely heard the music. And as he stared at the dancers, contorting themselves into fantastical shapes, lost in the bliss of their audio orgy, a terrible sense of loneliness consumed him. Again, the darkness inside his heart started to rise, and again he fought it back. It would be alright. He would be strong. If Pepper could never again whisper her desires in his ear, if she could never again giggle and sigh while his lips teased her body, then he would rely on memory to warm his empty bed. If Pepper was destined to become his daughter, then he would give his daughter all the love he felt for her mother, in addition to all the love he already felt for her. If Pepper would not be there to help him bake a cake for their daughter’s first birthday, or celebrate her first shaky steps, or pick out the books to read her when she begged for a story, he would muddle through it somehow. It would be alright. It...would be...

Burying his face in his hands, Nicholas sunk to the ground, choking on the only thing he had left – his own mute sobs.