Starting Over

In the parking lot of Karma, Catherine and Batey sat in his car. “Thanks so much for being there for me tonight,” she told him.

“You, too,” Batey smiled warmly.

Shifting in the passenger seat, Catherine studied Batey for a moment. “So, have you decided what you’re going to do about Lauren?” she asked gently.

Closing his eyes as if the thoughts made his head hurt, Batey shook his head. “It’s so hard…” he said. “I love her so much. She’s wild and uninhibited. She’s imaginative and outrageously temperamental. But she’s also thirty-two.”

“You graduate this year,” Catherine reminded him.

“Yes,” Batey sighed, giving her a small grin. “And I have to determine whether I want to go away to school or stay. I have to figure out if I want to take advantage of the prospect of becoming free of Lauren somewhere new, or staying here and having the opportunity to be with her publicly – now that it’s not illegal anymore.”

“Hard choices,” Catherine sympathized.

“She’s all I’ve ever known,” Batey said quickly. “She’s been a part of me for so long, I can’t even conceptualize living without her in my life.” Unlike the strong confident person he usually was, Batey was now on the verge of tears.

Leaning over, Catherine wrapped her arms around Batey. She held him until his breathing evened out and he had calmed down. “Love sucks,” she whispered in his ear finally, making him laugh out loud.

Pulling back and looking at Catherine, Batey gave her a grateful smile. “I’ve never had someone I could talk to about this before,” he told her. “You have no idea how much I appreciate the opportunity to share this with you.”

Biting her lip, Catherine gave Batey a crooked smile. “And you have no idea how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me since I’ve moved here.”

“Well, aren’t we a couple of misfits?” Batey chuckled.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Catherine replied. “Listen, I’m going to go. I promised my parents I’d be home before midnight. But if you ever want to talk…”

“Oh, I will definitely take you up on that offer,” Batey said, leaning over to kiss her cheek lightly. “Drive safely.”

“You, too,” Catherine gave him a small smile. She noted that he watched until she was in her car with the engine on before finally pulling out of the parking lot.

-----

Catherine had tried to reach Emma twice on Sunday, but had gotten no response. On Monday, she finally ran into her in the girls’ bathroom before their first class. “Hey,” she greeted Emma warmly. “I called you yesterday.”

“I was busy,” Emma replied coldly, not meeting Catherine’s eyes as she washed her hands.

“Are you mad at me for something?” Catherine asked, confused.

Spinning around, Emma faced Catherine. Her eyes were filled with hurt. “You have John and James falling all over themselves for you. You had to have Batey, too?”

“What are you talking about?” Catherine asked, genuinely confused.

“I stopped by Karma on Saturday night, and when I was leaving…” Emma was trying hard not to cry. “I saw you two in his car in the parking lot.”

Taking a deep breath, Catherine tried to explain. “We were just talking, Emma-”

“No, you weren’t,” Emma’s voice was steely. “You were all over each other.”

Understanding how Emma may have misconstrued the scene, Catherine took a step towards the wounded girl. “Listen to me,” she began gently. “I’m sorry if that’s what it looked like, but I swear it wasn’t. We had been talking…” Catherine paused, realizing she didn’t want to say anything at all that might betray Batey. “And I got upset about something, and he was hugging me. That’s all there was to it.”

A look of relief briefly crossed Emma’s face before being replaced with an expression of extreme guilt. “Oh, God, Catherine,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m so sorry. I had no right to jump to conclusions…”

Giving Emma a smile, Catherine reached over and rubbed her arm. “It’s okay,” she told her. “I’m not mad.”

“I wouldn’t have even had a right to be upset if it were the truth,” Emma admitted, looking embarrassed. “I have no claim over him.”

Not knowing what else to do, Catherine put her arms around Emma and hugged her. “No one can control the feelings they have for other people,” Catherine told her. “And sometimes those feelings make us think and do ridiculous things.”

Pulling back from Catherine, Emma gave her a small smile, but her cheeks were now bright red with shame. “I’m so sorry,” she told her again.

Putting her arm around Emma’s shoulder, Catherine began leading her towards the door. “It’s okay,” she smiled. “You can make it up to me after rehearsal by buying me a large double caramel machiato with chocolate shavings on top.”

Laughing, Emma nodded. “You’ve got yourself a deal.”

-----

At lunch, Batey was sitting alone at the table when Catherine arrived. “Hey,” he greeted her warmly with a smile. “How are you?”

Taking a seat across from him, Catherine smiled back. “I’m good,” she told him. “Where’s James?” She looked around for a moment, confused.

“Unfortunately, he’s sulking,” Batey rolled his eyes just a little. “I just saw him heading out to go to Taco Bell. He… he isn’t completely comfortable with your friendship yet, I guess.” Giving her a sympathetic shrug, he bit into his sandwich.

Hating the waves of guilt washing over her, Catherine shook her head. “I never should have started anything with him… or anyone,” she lamented. “I knew I wasn’t ready, but James is just so…”

Nodding, Batey didn’t need Catherine to finish her sentence. He understood automatically. “You didn’t do anything wrong, though,” he told her supportively, and he quickly dropped his voice. “After all you’ve been through, you deserved to have a decent guy – or two – fawning over you. After all, you’re young and beautiful.”

Blushing lightly, Catherine smiled appreciatively at Batey. “Thanks,” she said. “So, have you talked to Lauren since Saturday?”

It felt good for both people to be able to openly talk with someone else about these issues they had buried deep inside for so long. “No,” Batey said. “She called yesterday, but my mother answered the phone, so she had to pretend she was calling about an art question.”

Watching Batey eat, Catherine sat silently for a moment. “Why… why didn’t you ever tell anyone else?” she finally asked, her voice betraying her nervousness.

Looking over at Catherine, Batey gave her an awkward grin. “Well, when it first started, I didn’t really know what was happening.” His voice was soft, but it wasn’t because he was afraid others would hear him. This was just a difficult issue for him to discuss. “I never looked my age,” he explained, and Catherine just nodded. At eighteen, Batey could easily pass for being in his mid-twenties. She was sure that at fourteen, he hadn’t looked like the awkward, gawky, pimply teen most other boys that age looked like. “The students that came to our house always flirted with my brother, Tommy. But after he enlisted, they started to take notice of me.”

Catherine watched as Batey became uncharacteristically self-aware. “I’m sure you were taken by surprise to have… to have grown women flirting with you,” she searched for something to say that would make him more at ease.

“I was,” Batey told her, grateful of her perceptiveness. Catherine had a knack for saying the right things to him when he was uncomfortable. “Anyway, Lauren was a Ph.D. student, studying under my mother – and oh, how my mother adored her. She was this ball of energy and excitement. And so beautiful.” He paused as he reached back into his memories. “And she flirted with me like so many others had, oftentimes right in front of my parents, who just laughed and thought it was her personality.”

“Anyway,” Batey continued. “I flirted right back, like I always had, but there was something different about Lauren; I knew it the first time I met her. I used to dream about her…” A blush rose into his cheeks, making his handsome face look very innocent. “But I never told anyone, because I assumed she just looked at me like everyone else did, like a child. But one day she came to our house when my parents were out of town. I was in eighth grade. We talked for hours and hours… and then she spent the night.”

Trying to hide her surprise, Catherine bit her lip to stop herself from saying anything. Finally, taking in the site of Batey, looking exposed and vulnerable, she reached across the table and took his hand. “But still you didn’t tell anyone?” she asked gently.

Shaking his head, Batey looked atypically shy. “I… I didn’t even know if it had really happened at first. She was gone the next morning…” Running his thumb over Catherine’s hand, he gave her a small smile. “But then she called and started arranging times for us to meet up, but only if I swore I’d never tell anyone…”

“And you never did,” Catherine finished his thought for Batey. God, did she feel badly for him. It must have been such a new and scary endeavor for him, when he was still so young, but he couldn’t talk about it with anyone. “So, here you are, four years later…”

“Here I am,” Batey shrugged. “Still feeling like the confused excited little boy who couldn’t believe any of it was real.”

Squeezing his hand, Catherine looked Batey in the eyes. “You still don’t know what you want to do, do you?” she asked.

“No,” Batey admitted. He pulled his hand back and looked at her admiringly. “But I feel so much better than I have in a long time, because I finally have a friend I can talk to about it.”

Feeling a warmth in her chest, Catherine smiled at him. “I know the feeling,” she told him simply.

-----

Rehearsal had been normal, with Mr. Martin yelling at everyone and then quietly passing on compliments. Afterwards, Catherine approached Batey and James. “Hey,” she began, trying to force James to meet her eyes, but he refused. “Well, Emma and I, and a few others I think, are going to Karma… I wanted to know if you guys wanted to come with.”

Looking over at his friend, Batey wouldn’t respond until James said something. “Fine,” James told her disgruntledly.

“Ok,” Catherine replied, taking control. “Then, Batey, why don’t you ride with Emma and James can drive me?”

Giving her a bemused smile, Batey nodded. “Sounds great,” he said, walking away before James could object.

Catherine followed him to his car in the parking lot. “I guess you weren’t really okay, huh?” she asked him softly as they sat in his car.

“What?” James replied confusedly. He finally looked up at her, and his angry expression softened a little.

“Well,” Catherine began. “You told me that you were okay with just being friends, but I guess that wasn’t completely true. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be treating me like a stranger…”

Giving her a begrudgingly apologetic smile, James couldn’t argue. “No, you’re right,” he said. “I totally backed out on that, and that wasn’t fair.” Sitting up straighter, he looked at her, studying her face. “It’s just so hard… I really like you, Catherine. I’ve never really liked a girl like this before, and I guess I thought you liked me, too.” Catherine was about to interrupt to tell him she did like him, but his expression stopped her from saying anything. He wanted to finish. “I guess I’m just being… unfairly resentful. I was just hoping we were starting something… something good.”

James’s eyes turned a dark blue when he got upset, and he looked incredibly attractive like that. Catherine wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss him, but she knew that wasn’t an option. Unlike with Marcus, it seemed as if James cared more for Catherine than she did for him. And she wasn’t going to use that to her advantage, as Marcus had with her. “So what do you think now?” she asked. “Do you think we can be friends now?”

Without taking his eyes off her, James sat silently. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he began to nod. “I can try,” he told her uneasily. “It doesn’t mean I won’t still wish… for more.”

Blushing at his honestly, Catherine gave James a small smile. “Thank you,” she told him sincerely. “I could really use a few good friends right now.”

-----

The next three weeks flew by in a flurry. Opening night was approaching quickly and everyone was getting excited. Catherine felt better than she had in a long time. James had followed through on his promise to be her friend, and she enjoyed spending time with him. She even let him meet her parents, who of course saw his resemblance to Marcus immediately. Fortunately, they didn’t pass judgment on him for it. “He’s quite a character,” her mother had said after he’d left the house one night. “But really… he’s quite honest.” She didn’t say anything about how that made him different from Marcus, but Catherine knew what she meant.

John also had warmed up to their friendship. Living so close, that meant they were often at each other’s houses, playing video games or watching television. Catherine adored John’s quirky sense of humor, and was glad they could be friends.

Additionally, Catherine began spending more time with ‘the girls’ – Emma, Sandy, Ivana and Allie. They were fun supportive friends. It was truly a blessing to have them in her life.

And then there was Batey. Of everyone Catherine had met since she had moved, he was the person she was most glad to have met. They shared a secret bond, knowing deeply intimate details about each other, and their relationship was built on foundation of complete and abiding trust. They often spent afternoons together, sharing their thoughts and feelings – things no one else knew. Catherine felt like she had worked through more of her Marcus issues with Batey than with the psychiatrist she had gone to for three months after the miscarriage.

Sitting at lunch one day, James turned to Catherine. “So, you’re going to make it to the cast party, right?” he asked. The musical was opening in a week and a half, on the Friday night one week after Thanksgiving, and Mr. Martin had insisted on throwing a cast party afterwards. Everyone was very appreciative of his offhanded praise.

“Of course,” Catherine said.

“Good,” James smiled. “Because my parents are out of town that weekend. It’s uncanny how my father always has someplace to be when I’m in a play,” he added with hurt in his voice. “Anyway, I thought afterwards, everyone could come to my place for a real cast party.”

Giving him a warm smile, Catherine nodded. “That sounds great,” she told him honestly. Looking over at Batey, who didn’t seem to be aware of the conversation going on in front of him, she prodded him. “You’re going to the parties, too, right, Batey?”

Looking like he was shocked to hear his name, Batey quickly regained his composure. “Absolutely,” he smiled. He glanced over at James’s full plate and continued. “Well, I’m going to go out for a smoke. Any joiners?” Looking at Catherine pleadingly, she immediately realized that he wanted to talk in private.

“I haven’t even eaten yet, man,” James told him. “But you guys go,” he added, oblivious to the fact that that was exactly what Batey wanted.

Following Batey to a secluded corner of the campus, Catherine pulled out a cigarette and waited for him to tell her what it was he wanted to share. She watched him light his cigarette and nervously play with his Zippo. “I broke it off,” he said finally, his expression a mixture of pain and relief.

Throwing her arms around him, Catherine hugged Batey tightly. “Oh, I know this must have been just awful for you,” she said sympathetically. Pulling away slightly, she looked him in the eye. “Are you okay?”

”Not really,” Batey admitted sadly. “That was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Nodding, Catherine understood exactly how he felt. She remembered the morning after she had the miscarriage, when she was lying in the hospital and Marcus arrived. He had tried to be comforting and supportive, and when she spurned that, he began begging her forgiveness. As much as her heart ached, Catherine had told Marcus to leave and not come back. She was sure it was similar to how Batey felt just then.

”It was the right thing to do,” Batey told her. “I know that. It just…” Refusing to let his emotions get the better of him, he just stopped speaking at that point.

“I know,” Catherine promised, running her hand over his arm. She wasn’t going to tell him that he had been mature or that it would get easier with time. Those were the things she had been told, and she hated hearing them. Instead, she just reached for his hand and looked him in the eyes, giving him a supportive smile.

“Thank you so much for being here for me,” Batey told her, squeezing her hand.

”That’s what friends do,” Catherine replied simply, dropping her cigarette and leading Batey back towards the cafeteria.

-----

“Hello?” Catherine answered the house phone. Her friends usually called on her cell, but no one else was home to answer the phone, so she grabbed it.

“Catherine?” a familiar voice inquired.

”Marcus?” Catherine couldn’t believe she was speaking to him. It was the Friday after Thanksgiving, and her parents were out shopping. “Is… is that you?”

“I’m so sorry to call like this,” Marcus quickly began, and Catherine could tell he was afraid that if he stopped talking, she’d hang up. “It’s just… I never heard from you after the letter I wrote… and I just, I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Suddenly feeling like the nervous fourteen-year-old that had originally met Marcus, Catherine didn’t know how to reply. “I got the letter,” she said automatically.

“Good,” Marcus replied, sounding relieved that she had said anything to him. “So… how are you doing?”

Feeling tears well up in her eyes already, Catherine didn’t know how to respond. “I’m okay,” she finally forced herself to say.

“You sound good,” Marcus told her, sadness evident in his voice. “And I know I don’t have any right to call you like this… I know I don’t have any right to contact you at all anymore, but… God, Cath, I miss you so much.”

The lump in Catherine’s throat was so big, she couldn’t even respond. Tears were now flowing freely over her cheeks, and she began sobbing openly.

“I didn’t… I didn’t call to upset you,” Marcus claimed, sounding at a loss. “Really, I’m so sorry I upset you…”

”No,” Catherine told him, forcing herself to calm down. She needed this. She was never going to be able to deal with the last few years of her life if she just pretended Marcus didn’t exist. “No, I’m glad you called.”

”You are?” Marcus asked hopefully.

Sinking down onto the couch, Catherine wiped her cheeks with the back of one hand. “Yeah,” she said softly. “All the stuff you said in your letter… well, I’m just really happy that you’re clean now.”

”It’s been almost three months,” Marcus interjected. “Nothing, no coke, no pot, not even alcohol.”

“That’s great,” Catherine told him, feeling like it was hard to breathe.

“I want to see you,” Marcus said suddenly.

”What?” Catherine exclaimed.

”I know you’re living outside DC,” Marcus began to explain. “Troy got Brigitte to give him your number, and she told him that much.” Letting out a deep sigh, Marcus continued. “Anyway, we’re doing a class trip next weekend, Thursday through Sunday, to DC. Our days are filled, but we’re free at night. I was just hoping…”

Catherine knew what Marcus was hoping. He wanted to see her. He wanted to settle things between them. And she couldn’t blame him; maybe seeing each other one last time could bring closure to the rocky and often painful relationship they had shared. “Thursday night,” Catherine said suddenly. “But you have to find your own ride to Virginia. I’m not going into DC.”

”That’s fine,” Marcus responded excitedly. “Just tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.”

Nervously, Catherine told Marcus the address of Karma and told him to meet her at eight the following Thursday. “So, I’ll see you then?” she asked warily, already beginning to regret her decision to see him.

”I’ll be there,” Marcus promised. “And thanks, Cath. Thanks so much…”

“Okay,” Catherine cut him off, knowing she was going to break into sobs again at any moment. “So I’ll see you then.”

As soon as she hit the Off button on the phone, she began dialing Batey’s number. “I need you to come over,” she sniffled, trying to hold back her actual tears.

“I’ll be right there,” Batey replied, needing no further explanation.

-----

When Catherine’s parents returned from shopping, they headed upstairs to put away the presents they had purchased. As they heard a deep male voice coming from Catherine’s room, they exchanged a nervous glance. As they approached the open door, though, they both let out small sighs of relief. Catherine was sitting on her bed, her knees drawn up under her chin, and Batey was sitting on her bedroom floor cross-legged.

“Andy,” Catherine’s mother said, relieved to see the innocence of the situation. “How are you, honey?”

“Fine, thanks,” Batey smiled. “You guys get all your Christmas shopping done?” he asked, motioning at the bags they were holding.

”Not even close,” Catherine’s father grinned. Despite the fact that the good looks and mature demeanor of this young man made him slightly nervous to have around his daughter, he truly liked him. He seemed like an honest and forthright person.

As her parents waved and began to head towards their bedroom, Catherine called out. “Mom, can you close the door?” She looked pleadingly, and her mother gave her a small smile. There was no way she and her husband would be able to repair their damaged relationship with their daughter unless they started trusting her again. Pulling the door shut, Catherine’s mother looked over at her husband. “He’s a good boy,” she whispered.

“Yeah,” he responded with a smirk. “But he’s still a boy.”

-----

“I guess you passed the test,” Catherine grinned at Batey. “They haven’t left me alone in my room with a boy since…”

“Nonsense,” Batey told her, trying to push away the bad feelings that were obviously building up inside Catherine. “They just know I’ll never be a threat. A girl like you has more refined tastes than the likes of me. Now, go on with your story.”

Letting out a giggle, Catherine shook her head. “Well, I think I’ve told you everything,” she said, looking serious once again. “I agreed to meet him at Karma next Thursday.”

Studying Catherine, Batey tried to figure out what he should say. “Do you want me to come with you?” he finally asked, feeling a sudden urge of protectiveness.

Shaking her head, Catherine gave him an appreciative smile. “No,” she said. “I think I should do this by myself. However, if you happen to be there…”

Understanding immediately, Batey nodded. “Oh, didn’t I tell you?” he smirked. “I already had concrete, unwavering, inflexible plans to be there next… Thursday, is it?”

Letting out a small laugh, Catherine bit her lip. She wanted to do this; she wanted to see Marcus and finally bring an end to all the hurt feelings. But it would be much easier to do that if she had a friendly face or two around.

Rising from her bed, Catherine was feeling much better than she had an hour ago, when she called Batey and begged him to come over. As he stood up next to her, she quickly leaned over and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Thank you for being such a good friend,” she told him, burying her head in his shoulder.

Putting his arms around Catherine’s shoulders, Batey squeezed her to him. “No, thank you,” he insisted honestly.

“I guess we’ve been good for each other, huh?” Catherine smiled, looking up into his eyes as she pulled back. “We were both very lucky to find such a good friend when we needed it most. Now let’s go see what my parents are making for dinner.”

As he watched her walk out of the room, her face still blotchy from crying, wearing flannel pajama bottoms and an oversized tee shirt, her hair in a messy ponytail, Batey shook his head. “I know that you’ve been good for me,” he murmured sadly to himself before following her out.