Growing Up Lynch

Growing Up Lynch

Sex Ed – Hannibal Style!

Hannibal – 36

Azrael & Delia – 15

Gabriel – 10

Matty & Seth – 9

Rae – 8

Hannibal stands at the head of the conference room, an array of donuts and bananas placed before him on a gurney. His audience consists of his twins, Azrael and Delia; his two younger sons, Gabriel and Matty; his daughter Rae; and their friend, Seth. They’re seated at a long table covered in bananas and donuts as well.

Hannibal clears his throat, drawing the attention of his ‘class’. “Yeah, so, Ren says I need to teach y’all about safe sex.”

Immediately, the twins start moaning and groaning in protest.

At one end of the table, resides Azrael who fixes a heated glare at is dad. “Why do I have to be here? I’ve already gotten the 411 on sex at school.” Besides, he’s already been sexually active for a year… not that he plans to let his parents know that.

At the other end of the table, Delia nods along with her brother’s objection. She may not like the boy, but in this case she fully supports his dissent against their common enemy. She mutters under his breath, “This is criminal…”

Hannibal gives and audible sigh and silently curses his underhanded wife for suckering him into this.

Sitting in the middle, sweet, naïve Seth quietly ponders what the hell father and son are discussing. He has the slightest, vague notion of what sex is. He’s heard the word come from his parents’ mouths on more than one occasion. And he’s definitely seen a few TV shows were the people talked about sex.

It sounded like a good thing. Like hot cocoa and marshmallows, or ice cream with whipped cream and cherries.

He raises his hand and waits to be called upon. “What’s sex? Is it like candy?”

On his left is Gabriel, his best friend, who rolls his eyes and says, “No, its how you make babies. Duh.”

Rae, situated between Seth and Delia, screw up her face in increasing confusion. She has less of an idea of what’s going on than Seth does. “I though babies came from storks???”

Matty, between Gabriel and Azrael, nods absently as he eyes a yummy looking glazed donut. “That’s what I thought, too.”

Azrael sneers at the younger kids’ ignorance. Sure, they’re young, but how the heck can they not know what sex is? Or how babies are made? He decides it’s time to set them straight. “Pfft. Babies happen when a dude sticks his dick in a chick’s va –

Hannibal sputters in surprise, crying, “Azrael, that’s enough!”

True to form, the fifteen year old ignores his father. He winks at Seth, saying, “Don’t worry, kiddo. I’ll show you what sex is.”

Seth beams in delight, blushing at the older boy’s generosity. Azrael is always so nice to him. “Okay. Thank you so much!” He throws in a hug for good measure, proving just how thankful he is.

Delia snorts in disgust while Hannibal rubs his forehead, trying to stave off the oncoming headache.

Matty sneaks a donut while no one is looking.

Eager to get this horrific nightmare over with, Hannibal grabs a banana and holds it up for everyone to see. “This represents men.” He holds up a donut. “This is a female.” He puts the banana in the donut hole. “This is sex.”

Rae and Seth both nod in apt attention, eager to learn all about this ‘sex’ business.

Azrael, Delia, and Gabriel yawn from boredom.

Matty eats another donut.

Hannibal continues, “Of course, there’s more than one way to do it. It’s perfectly normal for two females to have sex .” He holds up two donuts and takes a bite out of each, before fitting them together. “See? And it’s also perfectly normal for two men to have sex, also.” He grabs some bananas. “They –”

“Use the back door,” Azrael quips. He turns to Seth. “That’s how we’re gonna do it.”

Seth nods again though he has no idea what’s going on. They’re gonna use the back door of a banana to have sex in order to make a baby that the storks won’t bring them? Doesn’t make too much sense. But, since he has complete and total faith in Azrael, Seth decides not to question it and happily agrees to anything he says.

Headache getting worse by the moment, Hannibal putters on to the best of his ability. “Protection is incredibly important when having sex. Sex, although it feels great, can leave you vulnerable to diseases or unwanted pregnancy. Therefore; protection!” He stoops down momentarily to grab a saran wrap box, ripping off a giant piece before slapping it over the banana. “This is a condom. Use one whenever engaging in sexual activities. It’ll save your life.”

“Hey,” Delia says suddenly, “aren’t you being a bit hypocritical.” She pauses for a second, wondering if she should say anything more. Hannibal’s a pretty easygoing father, but the last thing she wants to do is piss him off and get grounded, unable to go to homecoming. “I mean, you and mom obviously didn’t use a condom.” She gestures from Azrael to herself. “We’re here.”

Hannibal glares, muttering under his breath about fifteen year olds who won’t shut up and let him finish. “Yeah, why do you think we’re trying to stop you from making the same mistake we did?”

Azrael arches a brow. “Oh, so you’re saying me and Dee are mistakes.”

Sigh. “That’s not what I said.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Yeah, too.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Uh-huh. I distinctly heard the word mistake.”

“Not in that context!”

“You soooo said it!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“NO!”

“YES!”

“NO!”

“YE–!”

“AZAEL, SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SHOOT YOU IN THE FUCKINGFACE!”

Azrael smirks. “Yes. You. Did.”

Face flushed red with anger, Hannibal heaves in a few breaths and tries to calm his racing heart. He’s 99.9% sure he’s about to experience either and aneurysm or a heart attack. With his luck, probably both at the same time. There’s a short pause break while he gather’s his thoughts before saying, “… I’mma tell your mother.”

Gold eyes widen and Azrael instantly sits up straighter. “Shutting up now.”

 “That’s what I thought.”

Seth giggles in his seat, always amused by their squabbles. “You two are funny.”

Hannibal can’t help but find the kid endearing. “Yeah, yeah. Total riot. Anyway, let’s wrap this up.” He ducks back under the table again before reappearing with a spoiled banana and cream-filled donut with filling leaking out. “These two represent the infected men and women. Technically speaking, it’s still possible to have protected sex with them, but it’s highly discouraged. They’re diseased and will make you sick if you share fluids. Condoms can help, but they aren’t one-hundred percent effective. Better safe than sorry; just don’t engage in sexual activities with these people. Alright?”

The class nods in unison. Azrael and Delia are both scowling in annoyance, but otherwise agreeable. Matty is staring at the crème-filled donut with interest. Gabe is pretty much zonked out on the table, eyes heavy lidded and just barely conscious. Rae is playing with the donuts and bananas, fitting them together into different 'sex' positions. Seth is diligently committing everything to memory, planning to buy a many bananas and saran wrap so he and Azrael can have sex and make lots of babies.

Seeing the nods from everyone present, Hannibal beams with pride at a job well done. “Any questions?”

Seth blushes and raises his hand shyly. “Can I have a banana?” He figures he might as well start his collection early.

Hannibal shrugs. “Take as many as you want.”

Beaming, Seth grabs every one he can find, sharing a secret smile with Azrael.

Delia rolls her eyes before scouting out of the chair and ditching her weirdo family.

Gabriel starts snoring, a puddle of drool forming beside his head.

Rae makes two donuts kiss while hugging a banana.

Matty steals another donut.

All in all, pretty good sex ed lesson.

 

LULZ

I think this is my FAVE G.U.L. of all time. I love sex ed speaking Hannibal. XD

Question to readers: What age did you find out about sex? (I think I found out when I was five or six…)

If you’re wondering why Hannibal is telling 8 – 10 year olds what sex is, it’s because he figures he’s gonna have to do it in a few years anyway, so he might as well get to it while talking to Az and De.

Why does Matty keep stealing donuts? I have noooo idea. O__O

Review replies

Prostock 69 – Thank you soooo much for reading and all the comments!!! They made my heart soar. Lol, I’m glad you like the Lynchs. They’re the family I always wished I had. (I’m an only child living with my mom. Very boring upbringing. ) Also, I think you’re the first person to make a connection between Azrael and his bunny, and that it’s going to be a major factor in Intimacy. His need to cling to the things he loves can be disastrous. And as for the way Hannibal deals with a set of twins, triplets, and a bunch of other kids… I dunno, therapy? Lol, thanks again for reading.