Of Faith and Doubt

6.

It was a soft, comfortable sofa in a cozy, warm room. Randy sat on his knees in front of the fireplace, making a good fire, and the scent of a good wine tickled Matthew\'s nostrils. Finally, Randy joined Matthew on the soft plush. He kicked his boots off, filled the glasses, and put his feet up. “Cheers, my friend... Now relax and enjoy life, hm?”



The vicar knew he had to make a remark, but he couldn\'t think of any. He simply nodded with a faint smile, and raised the glass to his lips. It was good wine. The first sip warmed him up already, making him sigh, and Matthew knew he would be either drunk or sick, but relaxed at least. “Are you going to take advantage of me, Randy?” he asked after a while.



Randy appeared to think about that, for a moment. “Define that, Matthew... What do you mean, exactly?”



Those innocent eyes again, thought Matthew. Randy could look so pure and harmless... it was hard to get mad at him. “You\'re Lucifer, aren\'t you,” he muttered quietly, more to himself than to Randy. “Or the snake in the garden of Eden.” He drank some more, looking at the other.



“No, I\'m not,” said Randy in all seriousness. “That would mean I came here with the deliberate purpose to meet you, and I had no idea a man like you would be the vicar here.” He looked down when Matthew\'s stomach rumbled. “You haven\'t eaten anything since this morning, have you? Slow down with that wine, and I\'ll put a pizza in the oven. I\'ll be right back.”



As Randy stood up, he leaned on Matthew\'s thigh. This time, Matthew didn\'t lose control over his hands. He didn\'t move, following the carpenter with his eyes, and then looked around through the room.

Randy had made this house his own, in the few weeks he\'d been here. It was a nice place now, no longer the stuffy old-man\'s farmhouse it used to be. There were framed pictures, small souvenirs, reminding of America, and many little keepsakes from his past. Matthew stood up to look around some more, looking at the books and music in the cabinets.



“I have photo\'s,” said Randy. “Wanna take a look, while we wait for the pizza to finish?” Standing next to Matthew, he put an arm around his shoulders, and took a box. “Maybe you\'ll understand I\'m not as bad as you think, if you get to know me better, eh?”



Matthew didn\'t pull back. The wine had relaxed his muscles, and he had a warm feeling in his chest. He smiled and nodded, looking at Randy\'s face and eyes, noticing the golden specs around the irises again. “You\'re very handsome, you know that?” he said before he knew it. He blushed abruptly, expecting a rude remark. Randy just smiled at him, and led him back to the sofa. They sat close together, and Randy opened the box.



“I never got to stick them in albums,” he said with a soft tone of voice. “They may be a bit messed up.”



Matthew didn\'t mind. He leaned against Randy\'s shoulder and looked at the pictures of his past. Randy as a child, his family, the pets he had, places where he had lived. It was all so normal, so intimate and friendly. It relaxed Matthew completely. He even didn\'t tense up when he felt Randy\'s fingers at the back of his head, stroking through his hair. Feeling comfortable and at ease, they finished the box just when the oven\'s alarm went off.



“Pizza done,” murmured Randy, barely moving a muscle. When Matthew looked up, their faces were only inches apart.



“Let\'s eat, then,” said Matthew in the same soft tone. So beautiful, he thought. Reaching up, he pulled Randy\'s head down, and kissed his cheek.



The carpenter took his hand, to pull it away from him. Without a word, he stood up to get the pizza. When he returned -Matthew\'s stomach welcomed the smell of food with a loud rumble- he refilled the glasses and sat down on the same spot of the sofa, close against Matthew\'s side. He didn\'t mention the kiss, nor did he try to do it again. With the remote, he switched on the television.



Matthew barely saw what was on. The pizza tasted good, and so did the wine. More relaxed than he\'d ever felt before, he put his feet up. His head was clear. No disturbing thoughts, no doubts or fear. He was simply enjoying himself, Randy\'s company, and life in general.

After a while, he pulled his legs on the couch and crept against Randy\'s warm body, his head resting on the man\'s shoulder. Randy played with his hair again. It felt good. The word \'sinful\' never crossed his mind anymore. Even when he felt a kiss on his forehead, he didn\'t pull back. With a smile, he closed his eyes, slipping his arms around Randy\'s waist. The other answered the embrace, with his strong arms around his shoulders. Their breath went simultaneously. Matthew tilted his head and looked at his friend from under his eyelashes, lips parted a bit in an unconscious invitation to kiss him. And Randy kissed him.



It was like firework. As a marriage counselor, he\'d spoken so often about chemistry, sparks and magic moments. He\'d never believed it all actually existed, until now. The first touch of their lips was almost tentative, tasting each other, but then they melted together. Matthew opened his mouth to receive the warm tongue, quivering in delight. And this was a sin? This marvelous taste, these immense feelings of pleasure, was supposed to be sinful?

His father had loved his mother, ran through Matthew\'s head. They were allowed to marry. It would only be unfair, if he wasn\'t allowed to love.



Finally, when they broke the kiss, they looked into each other\'s eyes. “Don\'t hate me now,” whispered Randy. “Please don\'t hate me...”



“I don\'t hate you,” whispered Matthew back, with a slight shake of his head. “I\'ll never be able to hate you.” He felt the cold when Randy let go of him, but inside, he still felt a warmth. “I should be going now...”



“Yeah.” Randy nodded, moving slowly. “You better go, vicar... Better leave now, because I...”



“Because you what?” Matthew stood up when Randy walked to the front door. He could clearly see what the man meant, and felt the same. At the door, he couldn\'t resist to embrace him again, pushing their hips together in a promise. Randy\'s hands dropped to his behind, squeezing him. The kiss was as tasteful as the first.



“Leave, sexy,” sighed the carpenter, pulling back with reluctance and obvious difficulty. “Please, go away...”



“Will you be with me tomorrow?” asked Matthew, almost pleadingly.



“Oh, you bet I will.” With another sigh, Randy caressed Matthew\'s face. “You bet.”



The cold night air was a welcome distraction, when Matthew walked home. He moved slowly, dreamily, and looked up at the stars and the moon. “Thank you,” he whispered. He didn\'t feel he was challenged, anymore. Not at that moment, with Randy\'s taste on his lips and the burning heat in his body. A tiny part of his mind knew he would be very sorry tomorrow, but he couldn\'t care right then.



In bed, he pulled a pillow between his arms, and fell in a wonderful fuzzy sleep. His bed was stained, when he woke up the next morning. He was almost sorry he couldn\'t remember his dreams.