Light It Up

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.

. . .

“I told you before, I don’t know what triggered this episode. I was perfectly fine. Nothing to stress about, minimal course load. I ate regularly, took my pills.”

“What was the first strange occurrence that you remember.”

“Ever?”

“No, just this last time.”

Eric sighed and looked around the pale grey room again. Whoever designed the psyche ward of hospitals should be examined himself. All the grey and white and neutral colors were bound to make anyone crazy after a long enough period of time. “I don’t know.”

“You have to try Eric. The only way you can get better is by examining where you made your mistakes.”

“Listen I didn’t make a mistake.” Eric took a deep breath. “You all said I was fine on the meds I was on. Suddenly you double my dosage and switch my meds. You expect me to think and converse while my head feels like a foggy ocean of events. Put me back on the other stuff, give me a week or so to balance out and then maybe I’ll be up for this conversation.”

“Why are you angry Eric?”

“I’m not angry. I’m frustrated. My illness is frustrating.”

“Then lets talk about that for a little while.”

“Sure, what do you want to know?” Eric shifted in the overstuffed chair of the doctor’s office.

“Well, why don’t we start with what makes you so frustrated.”

“The fact that you keep asking me stupid questions would be one reason.” Eric shook his head. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s fine. Go on.”

“I didn’t even think I was crazy again, but well, that’s why I’m here in the first place I suppose. It’s frustrating to never know if what you’re seeing is real or not. If what you feel is reality, or just your mind playing tricks. That’s beyond frustrating.”

“What else.”

“The meds. I know that they’re supposed to help, but they don’t. Apparently my last ones stopped working and these new ones just make me feel like shit. I can’t think… I can’t focus. It’s… It’s like I’m interacting through a fog and everything I say and do comes out in slow motion.”

“You mentioned therapy.”

“Well, no offense, but yes. You ‘healthy’ people get to sit back and decide what I where and what I eat. I get looked at like I’m going to eat my own shoes if no one’s watching me. It’s ridiculous. I’m an adult not a three year old. I’ve never been violent, I’ve never been dangerous but I keep getting locked up with the kids that either stab everything that breathes or lick the wallpaper to get through the portal to xenon five.”

“But you have those same delusions.”

“No I don’t. When I was little I imagined that I saw floating strands… there is nothing dangerous about that. It didn’t interfere with my life. Yes its weird, yes they aren’t real, but what harm did it really cause to anyone.”

“So you resent being placed in a psyche ward for what you feel are moderate differences from healthy thinking.”

“Yes.”

“But you were the one that called for help this last time.”

“I don’t know what happened this last time. I can’t even remember what happened that night. It’s all foggy and thanks to the meds I can’t think about anything too long without my head wanting to split open like a watermelon.”

“I can’t take you off the medication.”

“I’m not asking you too. I’m saying lets find something else that works… something that allows me to function. I can’t go back to class like this.”

“Eric you need to be patient.”

“That’s easy for you to say. You get to go home tonight to a nice apartment and escape the loonies. I’m stuck here; meanwhile, my life moves on without me outside of this place.”

“I’ll see what I can do about changing your meds.”

“Thank you.”

“I think that’s all we can cover for today.”

Eric nodded and left the room, glad to be free of yet another repetitive session of poke the crazy kid’s brain. The orderly led him back to his wing of the ward. The mumbling and ranting of patients occasionally broke the silence of the sitting room, where patients were allowed to interact before lights out. Eric didn’t speak to anyone and turned into the solitude of this room. He’d lied to the shrink. At first he couldn’t remember much about that night, but now he’d begun to get bits and pieces of it at night. He’d wake up in a cold sweat with half a memory running circles in his head. He’d taken the acid. It wasn’t a strong dose but it threw him for a loop. Sylis came for him, wanted to get him away from something. Then the men had come. He couldn’t risk telling the doctors about Sylis before he was sure the other man existed. If Sylis turned out to be a hallucination, he wouldn’t be let out for quite some time. Imagining people that tell you to do things is a no no in the crazy kid release check list. Something wasn’t right about this whole situation. He’d always been aware before. He’d never blacked out or missed periods of time. He hadn’t ever really been crazy, he just saw things other people didn’t. That was fine, but this sudden bought of honest to goodness weirdness didn’t feel right. It felt different. It felt wrong. It felt fake. Eric lay back in the uncomfortably lumpy excuse for a mattress. The smell of cleanser and disinfectant assailed his senses. Any long in this place and he would start to go crazy.

. . .

Eric sighed as warm arms held him close to a hot chest. The deep pounding of the heartbeat against his ear cleared away the fog in his head with every pulse. “Sylis.” The word tasted sweet on his tongue and he sighed a deep breath.

“You can feel me, can’t you Eric.”

Sylis’s voice blossomed inside him. Maybe it wasn’t a voice at all, but he knew what it meant. Eric knew Sylis was calling out to him. Eric opened his eyes and his right forearm glowed brightly like a burst of yellow sunlight. The sense of loss and loneliness overwhelmed him. The sick nausea he’d come to associate with the new medication rolled through him in heavy waves. He needed Sylis’s touch; he wanted to feel the other man beside him.

Shifting impatiently in the bed, Eric reached out to feel the warmth of Sylis’s skin only to find the air empty and barren. Remembering his training he sought Sylis with his mind, but the connection felt distant and cold compared to the heat and radiance he sought. If he knew how to call to him, how to get a hold of Sylis, or where to find him; he would have his peace again. Why was it always just beyond his reach?

. . .

Morning came again in the unending hell of the psyche ward. Eric tried his best to swallow down the poor excuses they called eggs and bacon. But this was tofu bacon which was so much healthier for everyone and egg white substitutes. Eating like an obsessed bulimic clearly was in the best interest of all crazy people. His early morning group therapy was its usual bundle of excitement. Once of the weirdoes who’d been stealing all the board game pieces finally copped to it. Apparently they made cute little accessories for the little mice in the walls. Can you say wack job?

His afternoon session wasn’t looking any brighter as his usual doctor Markham introduced three other people, who’d ‘come to observe him’; nothing like being stared at like a science experiment to promote mental health. With a sigh he nodded hello to each of them in turn.

“Today I’d like to talk about something new with you.”

“Sure shoot.”

“You’ve been having nightmares.”

“No.” Eric’s pulse picked up. Were they monitoring his sleep as well?

“You don’t remember them?”

“If I’m having nightmares, than yes I don’t remember them.” Eric answered nonchalantly. “Though I think you have to be aware that you’re being freaked out by a dream to make it a nightmare.”

“Not necessarily. According to one of the orderlies you were quite restless the past few nights.”

“I resent my privacy being invaded.”

“How so.”

“Unless an orderly was in my room as I slept, there would be no way for him to see me being restless. Which begs and answer to the question, why he was there in the first place?”

“I’m sorry if you feel put out Eric, but our orderlies stop in on patients regularly throughout the night.”

“That’s inappropriate given that I don’t pose any sort of risk to myself or others.”

“I can see that I’ve upset you.”

“I wouldn’t call it upset so much as offended. Any orderly could have simply looked in the window and moved on, the fact that he ‘observed’ behavior seems to point out that he stuck around for a while and given that I was ‘restless’ not just tossing and turning means that he was in the room.”

“You seem to be much clearer today.”

“Now that you mention it, I do feel a bit better, perhaps I’m acclimating to the meds after all, but I’d prefer if you didn’t change the subject.”

“It’s within the rights of the hospital to observe its patients.”

“Within reason. It’s unreasonable for an orderly to be lurking in the shadows of my room while I sleep at night.”

“I apologize. I’ll ask him not to enter your room again without further cause.”

“Thank you.” Eric rubbed his head as the pressure began to build up in his forehead.

“Are you alright, Eric?” Doctor Markham’s voice seemed more concerned than usual.

“I just have a headache. Are we done for the day?”

“No, we’re not actually. I wanted to discuss Sylis Josephs with you.”

“Who?”

“He was a friend of yours from college.”

“Is. He is a friend of mine from college.”

“Than you know him.”

“Yes. I didn’t recognize the last name.”

“I was quite concerned when I heard that you were contacted by this young man, Eric.”

“Why is that?”

“Sylis’s real name is Simon… he’s a former patient of mine. I don’t think its in your best interest to associate with him.”

“You’re saying he’s crazy.”

“I’m saying nothing of the sort. I just don’t believe that you should be in contact with him in the future, if the opportunity arises.”

“Since you know so much about the situation, you must know that he and I only met recently.”

“Yes, this is what worries me. I believe that he may have somehow influenced your trigger.”

“That’s ridiculous. You’re telling me another person with a psychosis of some sort, which you will neither confirm nor deny, pushed me into a break. A break that is so uncharacteristic of me in the first place.”

“This is why I was concerned, Eric. I wanted to make you aware of the mental dangers that you put yourself in.”

“Even assuming this guy is nuts. What makes you think he pushed me over the edge. Moreover, how was I suppose to predict or recognize that he’s crazy?”

“You sound different today Eric.”

“How so.”

“You seem more collected, thought out.”

“Perhaps I’m just acclimating to my medication.”

“Perhaps.”

“That sounded like doubt to me.”

“Typically you speak differently.”

“You would know this how? Because you’ve spent two and a half weeks watching my bumble for a sentence because of the meds you have me on, or because you’re particularly well behaved today and aren’t questioning every sentence that comes out of my mouth.”

“Are you alright Eric?”

“No I’m not alright. My head is pounding. These three idiots are starring at me like I’m swimming in a goddamn fish tank and you’re questioning me because you don’t think I’m verbally retarded enough for your tastes this afternoon.”

“Perhaps we should end here today.”

“Perhaps.”

“I’ll have the nurse get you some Tylenol.”

“I don’t want anymore of your goddamn pills than necessary.” Eric stormed out of the room. The pounding in his head seemed to increase for a moment and then disappeared entirely. His pulse raced. What the hell was that?

. . .

“I think the blockers are working quite well.”

“Yes the placebo yesterday showed no signs of effect which means that sometime in the night he must have achieved contact of some sort.”

“Is that possible given the amount of distance and time?”

“I don’t’ think we can be sure given that we have no ability to trace Sylis Joseph. Until we can be sure that the blockers are working effectively, I don’t think we should proceed with the study.”

“I agree. Another to weeks and we’ll know for certain whether or not they work and we can step up the procedures to the next level.”

“Do we have clearance?”

“Yes and we are currently attempting to track down Sylis in hopes of studying an actual pair.”

“I don’t think we can pull that off in our current facilities. The subject ‘Eric’ isn’t even aware enough to know he’s being studied yet. Until we can be sure how to control his consciousness we can’t risk the pair interacting.”

“I suppose that we’ll have to wait.”

“Knock him out for another week. We’ll see whether or not the symptoms get worse.”

“The last time we cut him off he almost lost him. I don’t think that we can risk it again.”

“In the past two months the subject has shown progress. Consider this a check up on that progress.”
“Yes Sir.”

“I want up to date reports about his treatment. If contact occurs again inform me at once.”

“What about Doctor Markham?”

“There is nothing to discuss on that front. She does what we say and she treats the patients that make up the front. I want her sessions continuously observed. Today she nearly gave us away. I don’t want that to happen again.”

“Yes Sir.”

The door of the office shut with his exit.

“Do you really think that we’ll have a live pair to study?”

“I doubt it. The risks are too high. The blockers are working but we keep upping the dosage to keep up with his strength. The longer the two of them are apart the more desperate his attempts become. I’m beginning to worry that he’s going to mentally injure himself in an attempt to contact his pairing. Sooner or later we’re not going to be able to stop them from linking to each other.”

“What about Blocker CD7?”

“Still in the test phases. They’ve had five overdoses in seven trials. The pairs need enough link to stay alive but enough blocking to eliminate their awareness and create compliance.”

“Their continued preservation senses are high as well.”

“Yes. That’s why Blocker A52 failed. The dosage eliminated their ability to make cognitive inferences about their surroundings.”

“What a headache.”

“You’re telling me.”

“So do you want to do the honors or shall I.”

“Go ahead, but makes sure that you give him the minimum dosage possible I don’t want to lose him.”