The Difference in Mind

~***~


‘Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea’ Martin bellowed through the rain
‘Wankers!’ Gary shouted, hunching his shoulders against the glowing wind. His hair was wet, and hanging in front of his eyes, and so were Martin’s.
‘I think they will cancel it’ he said
‘Are you sure?’ Martin said, just at the moment a lightning flash was visible
‘Yes’ Gary chuckled ‘Come one’ he added, and he howled his bag over his shoulder, and ran for his bike. Martin did the same.
‘Let’s go to my house’ Gary said as the thunder roared over the sports field ‘It’s not safe here, and I think I live nearer’
‘Where do you live?’
‘About ten minutes that way’ Gary said and nudged with his head ‘We can work on Physics, and you can explain me those damned coefficients!’
Martin laughed. He knew Gary didn’t like maths. He swung his leg over his saddle. Gary did the same, and they both took off.

While cycle, they saw no one. It seemed like they were the only ones who didn’t know gym was cancelled. They were both cycling fast, because was raining harder and harder, and the thunderstorm was getting nearer too.

They reached a street, and Gary crossed down it. He cycled towards a house, opened the garden door and threw his bike against the fence. He gestured Martin to do the same, but he putted his bike on the stand.
Gary ran over to the house and opened the back door. Martin followed
‘Fucking hell!’ Gary grunted as they stood inside, both drenched and dripping. ‘God, I love England’ he added sarcastically, as he kicked off his shoes. He took off his coat and hung it over the radiator. Martin did the same.
Gary watched Martin for a moment. They both looked like sponges. Gary gave a chuckle
‘I will get some towels.’ He said, and went upstairs. Martin followed.
‘This is my room’ Gary said, and threw a door open ‘Get in, I will get something dry’
Martin went inside Gary’s room. It was large. There was a large king size bed in it, with bright red sheets. There was a computer, a tv, a Play station, a very large stereoset, and the guitar Gary had used on the school party.
Martin shivered. He didn’t dare to sit down on the bed, because he was afraid he would drip on the sheets.
Gary returned, and threw a towel to Martin. Martin went over to the radiator first, and turned it one. He than left again. ‘I’m going to change’ Martin only nodded, and took of his glasses before he rubbed the towel through his hair.
He had just pulled the towel of his head when Gary returned, and Martin’s head shot away at once.
Gary was only wearing a trainings trousers. The towel was wrapped around his neck, and he was carrying another pair of pants, a shirt and socks
‘Put these on’ he said and place them on the bed
‘No, there’s no need to’ martin said with a chuckle, but he still didn’t look at Gary.
‘Put them on!’ Gary said, and hung his wet pants over the radiator ‘Coke?’
‘Erm… yes’ Martin said, a bit uncomfortable, now looking shyly at Gary. Did he had to undress in front of him?
But Gary left, and went downstairs, probably getting a drink. Martin took the opportunity to dress quickly. He putted on the clothes. The pants were a bit baggy, but that was Gary’s style, so Martin figured they were alright. He also hung his pants over the radiator.

Gary returned, carrying a bottle of coke, and two glasses. He was now wearing a dressing grown over it, but it was still open. Martin couldn’t help but look at Gary’s body through the open grown. Gary looked muscled. More muscled than he was. Were boys their age muscled like this? Not that Martin was fat, but he didn’t look like that
‘Here’ Gary said, and offered a glass to Martin, as he sat down on the bed. Martin sat down on the desk seat.
Gary bended over the bed and fished a bag of crisps from under the bed. He opened it and offered it to Martin, who took a handful.
‘Aren’t your parents at home?’ Martin asked as he took a crisp.
Gary shook his head, with his mouthful
‘No’ he said ‘My mother is a nurse, so she works long days. My stepfather is a police, so the same with him’
‘Don’t you have any brothers or sisters?’
Gary nodded again, now drinking
‘A stepsister’ he said ‘But she’s a whore’
‘What?’
‘She’s with her boyfriend 24/7… thank god… she’s the daughter of my stepfather… but I rarely see her at home. She only comes here to get money from her dad, and let my mum do her dirty laundry
‘I also have a half brother… my mother and my stepfather.’ he added as he sat Martin’s puzzled face. ‘But he has some mental disabilities’
Martin nodded, and asked:
‘Are your parents divorced?’
‘Yup’ Martin said who took a remote control and pointed it at the stereo, putting on the CD that was in it. ‘Years ago’
‘Do you still see your father?’ Martin asked curiously
Gary laughed
‘No… he’s dead’
Martin felt a lump in his throat
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t know’
Gary shrugged and looked at Martin
‘Nah… There are more things you don’t know. But it doesn’t matter’ Gary said, and he got up, leaning past Martin to turn on the computer as well
‘How did he die?’ Martin asked as Gary sat back down on the bed
‘Drunk bastard’ Gary said, chewing on a chip ‘Car accident. My mother was with him. He was dead at once, but she lived… heavily wounded. It happened right after they had gone to courd to get the divorce done. They probably had an argument in the car’
Martin suddenly felt very sick
‘I’m sorry’ he said again
‘Shut up’ Gary said, again chuckling ‘You couldn’t know’
‘I’m being nosey’
‘No you’re not’ Gary said, chuckling, and before Martin could say anything else, Gary said: ‘I can be nosy as well, you know. So, what about your family?’
Martin took a drink of his coke
‘Pretty normal’ he said ‘My father is mr. Bells, teaching chemistry at our school’
Gary raised his eyebrows ‘Really? Is that him?’
Martin nodded
‘I never knew that’
‘You’re one of the fewer. Lots of students know that’
‘Well, to be honest’ Gary said, drinking his coke ‘I don’t pay too much attention to teachers’
Martin chuckled
‘I’ve got a sister’ he said ‘She’s on our school too’
Gary gave a nod, and took a handful of crisps
‘Do you have any hobbies?’ Gary asked with full mouth
‘Yeah..’ Martin said a bit uncomfortable ‘I play Warhammer’
‘Warhammer?’ Gary asked ‘That’s expensive’
‘A guitar isn’t?’ Martin asked and Gary rolled his eyes
‘Saintsbury’s must pay you well than’ he said
Martin shrugged ‘I’m saving money for a laptop, so I work as much as possible’
Gary gave a nudge to his guitar
‘I only paid the half of it’ he said ‘My uncle would double the money I would save for a guitar and an amp, so I saved a lot, and I got a lot’ he added with a proud grin
Martin laughed, and soon added:
‘You know, you’re not that bad’
Gary, who had drunken from his coke again, lowered his glass ‘I’m sorry?’
‘Well, you know Jeremy Collins? He said you were a brat, and that you’re arrogant, and stuff like that’
Gary raised an eyebrow ‘I’m not!’ he said, sounding offended
‘That’s what I’m saying’ Martin added ‘You seem so tough but you’re not!’
Gary looked away from Martin, as though he seemed uncomfortable
‘Yeah… well… I don’t try to be tough’ he said ‘I think it’s just the way I am’
Gary kept looking away from Martin, and Martin stared at Gary’s profile. It kept occurring to him how handsome the other boy was. Thin, slink face, with high cheekbones. Thick, dark eyebrows and bright, but dark blue eyes. He had a nice profile.

Martin didn’t know why he thought like this. He just liked Gary. He had never thought about a person this way. But Gary just had it. Martin admired him. Not because he was popular, but because he was actually nice.

Or maybe more than that…

At that moment, a phone rang, and Gary jumped up from the bed
‘Hang on’ he said and went out of the bedroom. He probably went to a different room to answer the phone.
Now Martin was alone again, he looked around the room. The wallpaper was dark blue, and it was full with posters from different bands. He recognized a few of them.
His eye fell on the guitar and the amplifier that stood in the corner. Martin got up and went over to it, crouching down so he could examine the amp. Martin didn’t know much about guitars, but he did know enough about amplifiers and other music and sound equipments. He had done the sounds and lights so often at school parties, he had learned to know them.
His eye then fell on the guitar. It was entirely black, including the pick guard. But it was outlined with a silver line. The neck was normal wood colored, and Martin saw the Fender logo on it.

Very gently, he reached out his hand, and plugged a string. It made a soft, singing tune. He knew the amp wasn’t turned on, but he could still hear it. He than ran his fingers over all six the strings, hearing a tone ladder.
‘Martin’ he than heard, and he turned his head, seeing Gary leaning against the doorpost, looking a bit seriously.
‘Er… it was very expensive’
‘Oh’ Martin said and he withdrew his hand at once, getting on his full length again
‘It’s not that you will break it’ Gary said at once, coming towards Martin. ‘But it’s just…’ He placed his hand on the neck of the guitar ‘Well… let’s say I’m very attached to it’ he added, and looked at Martin with a smile
Martin nodded. He knew what Gary meant. Martin admired his own Warhammer collection; he always hated it when his sister touched it.

They looked at each other for a moment, and Martin’s mouth suddenly felt very dry. He looked back at the guitar again
‘It’s very nice’ he said, his voice a bit wavering
‘I love it’ Gary said, and he too looked at the instrument. ‘It cost me a year to buy it. I first did news papers before I got to Saintsbury’s’
They both looked up at each other again, and Martin could swear they were closer then before they had both looked away.

Suddenly, Gary stepped closer, and in a reflex, Martin stepped away
‘What are you doing?’ Martin asked a bit panicked. Why was he so close?
Gary’s face expression didn’t change, but he shrugged. Martin suddenly felt uncomfortable. The look in Gary’s eyes was so strange. He couldn’t place it.

Martin stood with his back against the wall as Gary did another step towards him. And without a warning, Martin felt how Gary pressed his lips against his. Martin pulled back, and hit his head against the wall, which made him groan softly.
He wanted to push Gary away, but he grabbed his wrists, and pressed him against the wall, again pressing his mouth on his.
Martin felt struck.
What the? Martin felt struck. What is he doing? Don’t!
‘Gawy…’ he said, still with Gary’s lips pressed against his. Gary pulled back, and looked at Martin, although he was still holding him. Martin felt angry, struck, and scared at the same time
‘Let go of me!’ He said, a bit angry
‘Why?’ Gary said, and a grin appeared on his face ‘Don’t say you don’t want this’
‘I don’t!’ Martin said ‘What the hell are you doing?!’
‘I like you’ Gary said, bringing his head closer again, and Martin pulled his head back at once, again hitting hit wall. He groaned in pain again, and he felt how Gary took his head between his hands.
Now, Martin looked up at Gary. His eyes shot over Gary’s face, examining it. What was he doing?
But with Gary’s hands touching his head, he sort of calmed down. He felt his body relax, but he still felt tensed. What was going on?
They looked at each other, both their eyes racing over their faces. Looking for any signs.
And suddenly, it snapped in Martin’s mind. He liked Gary. He liked him very much. Maybe more than just a friend. Maybe as much Gary seemed to like him. It was a different feeling Martin had for him. He didn’t feel this for Jeremy, or someone else. It was like he wanted more. He wanted more than just a friendship. It seemed like Gary was that kind of person you would wanted more with

It happened slowly. Martin brought in his face, and closed his eyes. He felt how his lips touched Gary’s, and his body now shuddered and relaxed. His hands found Gary’s waist, and he placed them lightly on them, as Gary’s were still holding his face.
Martin’s stomach was flipping. This felt so strange, but so normal. Gary made it seem like they did this daily. And so, it happened that Martin felt how Gary opened his mouth. Martin did the same, and Gary’s tongue slipped between his teeth and entered his mouth. Martin pressed his eyes shutter. They both had a breath mixed of crisps and coke, and his own mouth was very cold a dry. Gary’s, on the other hand, was warm.

They kissed slowly, but passionately. Martin was enjoying it. He felt Gary was knowing what he was doing, and he didn’t dare to move his tongue over to Gary’s mouth. Martin had kissed before. With girls. But not with boys. He felt too insecure to kiss Gary back right now. So he just let Gary do it.
His heart was beating rapidly. He could feel his stomach twist and turn, his lungs pressed together, and his mind racing. This was so good. So good,

He moved his hands around Gary’s waist, and he felt how Gary moved a tiny bit closer, to Martin could wrap his arms around Gary’s entire waist. Gary’s hands were still where they were, but Martin didn’t mind. It gave Gary some sort of control. Like he was the one deciding what to do. Whether to break up or not. Martin didn’t mind. He didn’t mind to obey.

But than, Martin got back to reality. He groaned, and the thing he had hoped for happened. Gary pulled back, and looked at him. They were both breathing heavily.
But it was Martin, who spoke:
‘I… I didn’t know you… you liked this’ he said
‘What?’ Gary asked softly
‘Well… I mean… me… er…’
Gary pulled his head a bit back, losing his grip on Martin’s face.
‘I… I like boys’ he admitted, and Martin heard he was having a hard time saying it.
‘I didn’t know’ Martin said softly
‘No one does’ Gary said ‘And I don’t want anyone to know…’
‘But..’ Martin said a bit confused ‘What about me…’
Gary brought his head closer again, looking passionate at Martin.
‘I… I like you… I’ve known I was bisexual for ages… I just… never did something with a boy…’
‘Why not?’ Martin asked ‘It’s not… well… it’s not a sin, isn’t it?’
Gary tilted his head and rolled his eyes for a moment
‘Maybe not for you’ he said ‘But for me…’
‘What?’ Martin interrupted
Gary looked a bit impatiently at Martin
‘My friends’ he said ‘My… status… at our school. If anyone would know…’
Martin raised an eyebrow
‘You prefer status above love?’
Gary shrugged
‘Maybe’ he said, and then kissed Martin’s lips lightly ‘Do you love me?’
Martin went silent. He had opened his mouth but nothing came out. Did he love Gary? He had never thought of him that way.
‘I… I don’t know… this is just..’
‘What?’
‘Odd…’
Gary chuckled ‘I know’
They both chuckled, and Gary let go of Martin’s face, placing his hands on Martin’s shoulders. Gary kissed Martin again, very lightly.
‘But I like you’ Gary said softly, and he stepped a bit closer, to their bodies were actually brushing against each other. Martin inhaled sharply as he felt his lungs pressed together, his stomach turn and his mind race. Gary’s body pressing against his.
He pressed his lips against Gary’s and they started to kiss again.

But now, it was Gary who pulled back, all of a sudden.
‘I’m so sorry’ he said, his hands into his hair, taking a few steps, looking at Martin’s feet. ‘I… I shouldn’t-’
Martin stood frozen at the wall. What’d they just been doing? They had kissed! He had kissed a boy!
Gary sat down on the bed, looking a bit disgusted. Had Martin been such a bad kisser?
Martin looked at Gary, who didn’t dare to look back at him. He was fritging his hands, and looked always pitiful.
Martin did feel pity.

Maybe I could…

Martin approached the bed, and sat down next to Gary, who looked at him, probably thinking Martin was mad that he still dared to sit next to him.
‘Have you ever told this to anyone?’ Martin asked. Gary shook his head. ‘No-one’
‘Why me?’ Martin asked in misunderstood. ‘I’m not…. That special’
Gary went silent, and stared a front of him.
‘I guess… I just like you…’

Martin had never seen Gary like this. He really isn’t that tough, Martin thought.
‘Gary’ he spoke after a while, and Gary looked up at him. ‘I-I don’t think I’m…’
Gay?
‘I don’t know whether I…’
‘Like boys?’ Gary finished. Martin nodded, and Gary seemed slightly disappointed.
‘I’ve… always fancied girls…’ Martin said, in a failing attempt to cheer Gary up. ‘I’ve never done…’
Kissing a boy, Martin thought
‘But…’
Gary still wasn’t looking at him. So Martin hesitated for a second, but than placed his hand on the back of Gary’s head, his fingers in his red, spiky hair. The moment Martin had lifted his hand, Gary had looked up, and followed the hand, moving his head away as the hand came closer, but he did allow Martin to place his hand there.
‘I… I could…’
Try…
Something seemed to brighten a bit in Gary’s eyes, both of happiness, and confusion. He moved his head closer and hesitantly places his lips upon Martin’s. Martin kept his hand on Gary’s head, grabbing a first full of his hair. His other hand he placed on Gary’s shoulder and Gary used his hands to cover Martin’s waist.
Meanwhile, Martin’s head kept racing. This is odd! He thought. A boy! He’s a boy!

Everyone has this little voice inside their mind. You are afraid to jump, but that little voice tells you: ‘Go on…. Jump!’. This tiny impulse, telling you what to do. That voice will know that within a second later, your blood will fill with adrenaline. Excitement, Curiosity. And that same voice, told Martin not to stop. But as afraid as he felt, he let Gary do everything. Gary would know what to do. He would follow.

So it was Gary, who moved his position. Although their lips were still touching, sometimes breaking up a few inches from each other, before they touched again. He began to gesture Martin further on the bed, pushing him back. A few seconds, they broke up and Martin crawled backwards, further on the bed. Gary was on his hands and knees, crawling towards him like an animal. From the moment it was possible again, Gary locked his lips upon Martin’s. Martins laid back down, and Gary bended over him.

What is this! Martin’s mind screamed. What am I doing? What will happen?
But from the inside, Martin felt good. His nerves were mixed with excitement, which made hormones travel trough his blood. His heart was beating like mad, so that mend it was pumping his blood as fast as possible through his shaking body.

And Gary lifted up a hand and placed it upon the place his collarbone was. He gasped lightly, but unnoticed. It gave another shock when he felt how Gary began to move his hand lower and lower, until he reached the rim of his shirt.

Oh…. but… he thought when he felt Gary’s fingertips dance around his waist. Martin placed his hand on Gary’s shoulder, pushing him a bit back, but not with the intention of breaking up the kiss. Than, Gary’s hand moved up, and Martin felt his fingertips touching his bear skin. He was underneath his shirt!

Oh god…

Martin shuddered noticeable, and he could feel how Gary grinned while kissing. Martin knew at once what Gary was doing. He was experimenting. He was trying to find out how far he could go.
But how far would this go? Martin asked himself. How far would he let Gary go? And what would happen if Martin started to try things out? So Martin moved his hand from Gary’s shoulder over to the rim of his sweater. He pulled the sweater up, and placed his hand on Gary’s warm waist. This was probably a sign for Gary that Martin allowed it, because Gary began to stroke Martin’s stomach, his hands gliding over his shivering skin.

Pull it off… The voice inside Martin’s head seemed to take over control. Pull it off…. The voice told him what to do. Martin obeyed, and began to pull Gary’s sweater off. Gary let go of Martin for a moment and set up, taking of his shirt. Martin could look at Gary’s torso for a moment. He was skinny, but muscled. Gary didn’t go back to kissing, but he places his both hands on Martin’s hips and began to push up his shirt. Lifting up his arms, so Gary could take the sweater of, Martin suddenly swung his arms around Gary and pressed him down against his body.

More shivers. Gary felt so warm. Martin still felt cold, because he had been drained only half an hour ago.
Half an hour… This is going odd…
But Gary warmed his body. His warmth was all around Martin. He could feel it in his hands, his skin, and his mouth. He was warm everywhere. He made Martin feel warm too. The places Gary touched seemed to melt and fill with warmth.

This all went on for about a minute. They kept kissing, touching each others bare body. Gary was the one who pulled back the first. He looked at Martin for a moment and than chuckled, Martin chuckled along. They both knew what they were thinking. This was one of those moments you felt good, but you didn’t know what to say. It was uncomforting. Gary laid down next to Martin, but still close to him. There was a silence.

After a few seconds, Martin spoke: ‘What about Angelica?’
Gary looked up. ‘What about her?’
‘Isn’t she your girlfriend?’
Gary pressed his lips together, but there was a smile visible. ‘She thinks she is… But… well I use her… a bit’
Martin lifted up his head. ‘I’m sorry?’
Gary looked ashamed. ‘I use her…. I don’t want anyone to know or think I….’
Gary didn’t need to speak more. Martin understood..
‘Well’ he said ‘It’s not very nice, is it?’
‘She’s stupid’ Gary said, shaking his head. ‘I do like girls, but I don’t like her…. And it will only take a few months before we will break up’
‘It’s not very…. Fair is it?’ Martin asked.
Gary shrugged. ‘I know…’ He looked at Martin again, his eyes racing over his face. ‘I don’t want anyone to know…. this’ and he kissed Martin on his lips. Martin nodded, but didn’t understand Gary fully. Would this be them? Would they be kissing like this more often? Would it be… a relation?
Probably not, Martin thought, although he felt odd. He liked Gary. He liked him a lot! He had grown a lot of interest into him since they had been forced to do that presentation together. But the idea of being together would be odd. They were so different. They had different interests, they had different ideas, different friends. They were two different persons.
‘Have you ever had a girlfriend?’ Gary asked. Martin nodded. ‘When?’ Gary asked curiously.
‘A few months ago’ he said.
‘Why did it end?’ Gary asked
Martin stared at the ceiling, and waited a second before he answered: ‘She fell in love with someone else’

Angelica is like me now…

‘Do I know her?’ Gary asked after a few seconds, he probably had thought the same as Martin had just did.
Martin shrugged again. ‘Mary Anderson?
Gary nodded. ‘Her sister has the same piano teacher as I have’
Martin nodded. He knew that. Gary had told him before where he had piano lessons. Martin’s sister went there as well for her lessons.

Suddenly. Gary’s head shot into the direction of the door.
‘Wha-?’ Martin asked.
‘Hush!’ Gary hissed
They could hear a door close. Gary jumped up from the bad, Martin said up straight. Was someone coming home?
Gary snatched his sweater from of the ground, and hurried over to the radiator. There, he seized Martin’s clothes and threw them to Martin, who caught them. Martin changed his clothes. Gary pulled on his sweater and made his way over to the door, which he opened and left. While Martin was closing his shirt, he could hear how Gary ran downstairs.
‘I’m home’ he could here Gary say.
‘Yes, I was already wondering’ Martin heard a woman say ‘Whose bicycle is that?”
‘A friend’s’ Gary said ‘We are working on a presentation’
‘What presentation? Thomas, stop chewing that toy!’
A child gave a wail, but Martin could still hear Gary:
‘The physics one’
‘Is he upstairs?’
‘Yeah’
‘And he’s not coming down to say “hello”?’
At once, Martin left the room and went down stairs as well. There was a boy sitting on the stairs, looking up at Martin as he came down. He was chewing on a toy car, and saliva was all over the toy. Gary had heard Martin coming down, so he had turned around to look at him. Behind Gary, was his mother.
She had brown, shoulder length hair, and although she was young, Martin could see dark bags underneath her eyes which made her look older.
She looked at Martin and nodded at him.
‘Hello’ she said.
‘Hello’ Martin said, nervously, and held out his hand’
She shook it
‘I’m Muriel’ she said, now smiling at Martin now he had introduced and offered her his hand.
‘Martin Bells’
‘Are you two classmates?’ she asked both Gary and Martin
‘Yes’ It was Gary who answered shortly.
‘Did he give you anything to drink?’ she asked Martin and she nodded at an highly looking irritated Gary. She went back into the kitchen and began to unpack a bag full with groceries. ‘He can be very selfish sometimes.’ She spoke about Gary like he wasn’t there.
‘I did’ Gary barked. ‘But Martin was just about to go.
Both Martin and Gary’s mother looked at Gary.
Was I? Martin thought.
‘Really?’ Gary’s mother said, and raised her eyebrows, just as Gary always did. ‘Already finished doing homework?’
‘Yes’ Gary said again, and Martin nodded, trying to look convincing. Gary went back upstairs, and when he walked passed Martin, he had grabbed him by his underarm and pulled him along.
Once upstairs, he let Martin enter his room first. He closed the door.
‘You need to go’ he said to Martin.
‘Yes, I figured that out’ Martin said and picked up his bag. ‘Why?’
‘I will explain later’ Gary said. ‘You really need to go now’
Martin nodded ‘Alright’ he muttered and walked past Gary.

Gary walked him downstairs and waited at the door as Martin took his coat and left the house.
‘I will see you tomorrow’ Martin said as he mounted his bicycle. Gary only nodded, and closed the door when Martin drove away.
What was that?