That Gorgeous Girl

Maddie yells at me over the crazy woman’s screaming, “Devin get back in the car, now!” Suddenly, the bruises start to make sense.

Wow, this woman has some balls coming after me with my own softball bat. No way she can swing it half as well as I can. Then again, I guess that doesn’t really matter when the target is not a ball, but instead a much larger and easier to hit, head, my head to be exact.
My mother was already way beyond three sheets to the wind before she decided to try to be the Dustin Pedroia of the trailer park. So it doesn’t surprise me when she swings wildly, in an extremely slow motion that gives me enough time to duck 5 times, if I want to.(a/n: for all you non baseball fans…that’d be the AL MVP last year on my sox. Pretty handy with a bat, hence the analogy. J Go BoSox! Any hating of this…bad idea.) Once is all it takes to keep my head on my shoulders. One soft punch to the liver and she is on the ground…combine that with about two boxes of wine and she is out like a light. I pick her up and carry her inside, regardless she is still my mother, and the neighbors don’t need that kind of torture.
Amidst my packing Devin runs in the house, probably to check on me. “Oh my god! Are you okay? She is fucking crazy! I’m calling the cops!” I snatch her cell from her.
“Are you crazy? I think I saw enough cops last night for the entire month . It’s not a big deal, calm down. She won’t be awake for a while and we will be long gone by the time that happens.”
“ Yea? And what about when you have to come back here? What are you going to do next time?! Christ Maddie, she could have killed you!”
“Not likely. Stop freaking out, I can handle it. I’ve taken care of myself for this long. I’m pretty sure I can survive another few months of it. You’re over-reacting.”
“Really? Say that to someone who hasn’t seen you without your shirt on, Miss black and blue are my favorite colors.”
I can understand being upset or even worried, but the dig she took at me was more than I could take. A few more clothes haphazardly tossed into my old duffle bag and my guitar slung over my shoulder later, my back is still to her. The blush of shame and embarrassment that crosses my cheeks has little to do with modesty and more with the knowledge that she knows my big, bad secret and she probably doesn’t find my battered body anywhere close to attractive. Vanity can be a bitch. “Can we just go?” I finally turned to her, a defensive stance my automatic reaction.
“Yeah, fine.” she was out the door before me, a brief disgusted glance spared towards the heap on the dirty, old couch.

Devin

The car ride back to my house was silent in the uncomfortable, angry way. The words from earlier running through my mind. The mistake I made earlier is clear as day to me as her knuckles grip the steering wheel violently. When we finally get to my place, she is out of the car before I could say anything, getting her stuff while I headed straight for the door. Wrong as I may have been, my point was worth fighting for so I won’t apologize for my feelings. She can’t possibly be okay with going back to her abuser and her indifference pisses me off more than anything.
“Where should I put my shit?” are the first words to come out of her mouth as she stands uncomfortably in my foyer.
“Umm in my room, if you still want to sleep in there with me. If not, I guess I can show you a guest room. It’s up to you.” the nervousness creeping into my voice. I want her to stay with me so bad, but I can’t let her know just how much it would mean to me. I don’t want to be hurt again and I can see the anger beneath her brown eyes.
“It’s probably best I stay in the guest room. Wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable, black and blue being your least favorite color and all.” her reply is biting but I don’t let her see me flinch.
“K.”

Later on that night, I lie awake staring at my ceiling and wishing I had said just one of the things that were running through my head. Anything that would have taken the hurt and anger out of her eyes and put her in my bed. I hear a soft noise coming from down the hall, my interest peaked, and go to check on her in the guest bedroom. The sound got slightly louder the closer I got to her door and the sight that greeted me when I opened it took my breath away. A guitar over her lap, eyes closed lightly, and fingers moving with the fluidity of practiced ease, it is the sexiest thing I have ever seen. The words that followed make my heart pound twice as hard.

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread
The web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating
Heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters
You returned
I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

I stood frozen in the doorway, breath bated as the words came out of what had become my own personal guardian angel, even though I felt the need to save her. It seems she has saved me more than I could ever repay. I thought she was the weaker one, the one that needed someone to rescue her from herself and her own demons but the more she is with me, the more I see that she is saving me. My denial, my own insecurities, they all fade away whenever she is near. Her words feel like they are for me, like I was doing the same for her that she was doing for me. After today, I may be failing at that now.

If you only knew
How many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go,
Even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I
Spent, nights we shared,
Or letters that I sent

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I
Toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me
Back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe
In is you, if you only knew

Her eyes remain shut a moment after the music stops; she looks like she is basking in the adrenaline that her music provided. It is truly an amazing sight. “So, are you just going to stand there and stare at me all night or are you going to say something?” her eyes don’t open, never acknowledging me even after I already know she is aware of my presence.
“I was getting a pretty good show by being quiet. You looked too peaceful to disturb anyways.” I haven’t been this nervous since…well probably since the last time she made me feel this way. I’m not supposed to feel like this around a girl, but I just don’t really care anymore. “Will you please come back to my room? I really can’t sleep without you next to me.” a smile is sent her way as I steal her words from her, using them in my own favor.
“I can’t be that person Devin.” she sighs heavily. Her face is drawn and the tough girl that has had me captivated, suddenly looked so much older.
“What person? One that shares my bed with me when I sleep?”
“I can’t be that person that you experiment with. I can’t give you everything you are asking for and let myself give you all of me when I won’t get the same in return. I thought I could take this, because even one night with the girl of my dreams seemed worth all the pain that would follow but…but I think I was wrong. I couldn’t take that kind of heartbreak.” The lost look on the face of someone I have grown to care for more than I ever thought I could is physically painful. She flinches and I realize the look on my face must \ betray more than I thought.
“And if it’s not an experiment? What if it could be something incredible, whatever this thing is?” my voice cracks and I hate myself for the weakness I know is visible.
“I have no doubts that it would be incredible, regardless of whether or not it is an experiment or a phase or whatever the fuck you want to call it. What I have doubts about is if you will wake up tomorrow, or in a week, even a month or a year, and still feel the same way that I do. I know that I will be attracted to you then, the question is if you are going to wake up and realize you are just a straight girl screwing some chick you thought you wanted.”
“You could never just be some chick to me. No one has been there for me as much as you have for the past few days. I-I don’t know what I feel for you, but I know it is more than friendship. I get that this is hard for you, but it’s really strange for me too. I haven’t felt like this before, I’m confused.” at some point in the conversation, my feet led me to the bed Maddie was sitting on. With her body so close I can feel the heat with my own body, my hands suddenly seem very interesting to me. This is all more difficult than I ever wanted it to be. She doesn’t even think its worth trying anymore. I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and stand, walking quickly to the door. “You are probably right though, it’s easier for you this way. You don’t have to stay here until my parents get home, I’m sure you have better things to do than protect me.” I have to leave before I lose it completely.


I am so so so so so soooooooo sorry this has taken so long. It’s just not my year L I had to leave cali and come back to NC. Damn tuition just keeps going up. So I’m working 60 hours a week as a grease monkey and trying to go to community college so I can get into NC State. Bleh. Anyways, I promise I will try harder but I’m usually pretty tired. I love being a mechanic but I hateeeeeee this job haha. Need an MRI for my knees too so depending on that it might take me some time to get this done too. But I will do my best to post more as soon as possible. R&R please?! It makes me feel loved. Plus it kinda helps. If anyone has ideas let me know, I’m willing to throw them around in my noggin.