Ennui

Li waited until an hour after sundown to knock on Seth’s door. His whole body was tense, vibrating under the battle between hope and certainty that he’d be cast away, even if Seth had been kind to him as he left the day before. His hand shook as he tapped on the door. He had to fight the desire to lace his fingers behind his back while he waited.

Seth opened the door and stepped into the hallway. “I thought we’d go somewhere,” he murmured, locking the door behind himself.

Confusion joined the battle in Li’s mind. “Okay.” His eyes lingered on Seth’s mouth and he forced himself to look at the man. He was dressed casually in a polo shirt and khaki pants. Li was in his customary black jeans and tee-shirt. “I’ll need to grab a jacket. It’s chilly out there from raining all day.”

Seth nodded. “I’ll wait.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned against the wall.

Li unlocked his door, leaving it open while he went in and found his leather jacket. He shrugged it on as he stepped out, not missing the look of appreciation in Seth’s eyes as he did. His cheeks warmed and hope claimed a small victory. “Where did you have in mind?” he asked, wondering if he succeeded in keeping his voice casual. He slipped his hands into his pockets, relieved to have something to do with them.

Seth shrugged as he pushed himself away from the wall. “I don’t know. Walk around a bit. See if anything looks interesting.” As they waited for the elevator, he added, “It’s been a very long time since I just had a friend. I’ve almost forgotten what they do together.”

Li shrugged. “Anything we want,” he ventured. The elevator arrived and he entered, leaning against the far wall. “I’m not sure, really, either. I didn’t hang out with a lot of people.”

Seth pressed the button for the lobby. He relaxed against the side wall. “Why?” he asked as the doors closed.

Li’s answer was postponed by the entry of a couple on the next floor down. When they were outside, walking away from the building in the relative anonymity of the sidewalk, he said, “Because where I grew up being gay was a sin tantamount to being a murderer. I was shy to begin with, but being interested in guys was excuse enough to beat me up whenever anyone wanted to work out some aggression.”

Seth moved a little closer to Li, brushing his shoulder against the other man. He didn’t say anything until they turned the corner at the end of the block. “When I grew up, the station I had, no one cared as long as an heir was produced.” He looked up to the sky. “I really don’t care who my partner is as long as they’re willing to enjoy themselves.”

Li held back the urge to say that he was more than willing to enjoy himself only by biting his tongue. “Can I ask how long ago that was?”

Seth looked at Li. “I thought you knew already. You knew my name, after all.”

Jonas had never mentioned how old they were, only the names they’d gone by. “The information was a little sketchy,” he fudged.

Seth sighed. “I was a cneaz…a duke, a leader. It was almost six hundred years ago, maybe more.” He gave Li a slightly twisted smile. “It does get difficult to keep track, especially when the calendar changes. However, my kingdom, my dukedom, if you will, was not large. It was absorbed into Wallachia after my son’s death.” He shrugged. “It wasn’t even large enough a dukedom to be noted by the history books, but the people were happy.” Or at least he believed them to be. “My tutor was also a bed partner from the time I first began to show an interest in physical pleasure. He comforted me when my wife proved to be unwelcoming to my advances. He turned me after we fled to hide his continued youth.” Admitting that much was painful. “It was…” He took a deep breath and began again, “It was that that caused us to separate.”

Li reached over, his hand on Seth’s elbow before he could stop himself. “Thank you,” he whispered when Seth looked over at him.

With his free hand, Seth reached over and grabbed Li’s wrist, squeezing it slightly before letting go. He didn’t make Li let him go, though. “I hope he’s happy,” he whispered.

Again, Li had to bite his tongue to keep from answering. He tightened his grip on Seth’s elbow a little before letting it go.

Seth looked around, looking for a place to escape his desire to hold Li to himself. “Have you eaten?” he asked when his eyes found an all-night diner.

“No, not yet,” Li mumbled, sounding ashamed of himself.

Relief and ire mixed in Seth’s chest as he led them to the café. “You need to take care of yourself,” he grumbled. He asked the waitress at the door for a booth and she led them to one near the front window. “Get what you like,” Seth murmured, looking over the menu.

Li kept his eyes on the menu, pretty typical of a greasy-spoon, hamburgers, sandwiches, breakfast dishes. “Sounds like you’re offering to pay,” he muttered, wondering if that was pushing too far.

“I am,” Seth replied, his voice neutral.

Li swallowed. His retort was delayed by a waitress bringing them water and taking their drink orders. Li asked for tea, Seth for coffee. When she left, he asked, “Is this…a date?” His eyes didn’t leave the menu.

“I don’t know,” Seth answered, his voice distant.

When Li looked up, Seth was staring out the window. “Am I pushing?” he whispered.

“Not you,” Seth mumbled, rubbing his eyes. He propped his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands.

Their drinks arrived and Li doctored his tea with several packets of sugar. “If…if it’s too much,” he began to offer. He was aching to hold Seth, to be held by him, the longing an almost tangible need. He wanted to believe that Seth felt the same way.

Seth shook his head. “We’ll have dinner.” He took a deep breath and looked over at Li. “This…it isn’t easy, is it?”

To Li, it seemed the easiest thing in the world, just give into their instincts. But, there was something in the way Seth said it. “I’m not sure,” he murmured. He wanted to ask why it wasn’t easy, but something held him back. “We’ll take as long as you need,” he offered instead.

Seth laughed bitterly. “As long as I need?” He covered his mouth as the waitress returned for their order. He ordered soup and Li ordered a breakfast combination. When the waitress left, he continued with their conversation. “I suppose it does boil down to when I’m ready, doesn’t it?”

Again unsure how to answer, Li looked down at the Formica table. “I told you I would wait. I told you I would go at your pace.”

Seth scowled. “And, what do you want?”

Li struggled with how to phrase what he wanted. “I told you, and I still mean it. I want to be yours.” He kept his voice softly, not wanting his words to travel farther than Seth’s ears.

“Do you really even know what that means?” Seth demanded, his voice as soft as Li’s had been.

Li shifted in the seat. “I told you,” he began and then thought better of what he was going to say. He couldn’t say anything. He’d have to talk about Jonas then. “Yes, I know what it means.”

Seth’s mouth twisted. “You’ve been with one of us before,” he said, his tone somewhere between bitter and amused.

Li nodded. “Yeah.”

“And, you think that’s enough to know?” Seth pressed.

Li looked around the diner. There were several other people scattered through out, most alone, only a couple of other pairings. He struggled to find words to express something he wasn’t even sure he knew was the issue. “I want to…to make it work. I know there’s things I don’t…that I can’t understand, that I don’t, but…” He was interrupted by the arrival of their food.

Li poured syrup over his pancakes and eggs before continuing. “I know there’s things I have to learn, but… I want to.” He took a deep breath. “I don’t think it’s going to be easy, but it’s what I want, to be with you.”

Seth stirred his soup, slouching in his seat. “But, why? Do you just want me for what I am or who I am?”

Li looked around the restaurant again, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I want to be able to say the latter,” he finally admitted, his eyes on his plate.

“At least you’re honest,” Seth sighed.

Li’s lips twisted wryly. “I haven’t learned to lie effectively. And, I am serious about you.” He snatched a bite of pancakes, feeling slightly foolish.

Seth’s eyes were heavy with judgment as he watched Li eat. He only stirred his soup as he watched Li grow more and more fidgety. He was satisfied with his effect on the other man, if the curve of his lips was anything to go by.

Li managed to eat half his breakfast under the scrutiny before he asked. “Is there something you want to know? What are you thinking?”

Seth relaxed back into the bench, his expression lightening. “I was wondering how many other relationships you’d been in.”

Li blushed. “Just…just that one.”

“And, how long did that last?”

Li set his fork on his plate, trying to ignore the fact his hand shook. “Three months before we started dating. Ten months before he left after that.”

Seth’s lips twisted. “So, just over a year?” When Li nodded, Seth continued, “And how old are you?”

“Twenty-seven.”

“I see,” Seth murmured. “At twenty-seven, I had a ten year old son and had been fucking my tutor more than half my life, as well as whores and my frigid wife.”

Li’s face burned and his ears were beginning to ring with the blood flowing to his face. “It’s…not the same now.”

A chuckle rose from Seth’s throat. “Not the same now? I beg to differ, Li. It is very much the same. Nothing really ever changes. The only real difference is that your Victorian and Puritanical influenced ideals don’t want you to admit it’s still the same.”

Li frowned. He pushed his plate away from him. “Fine, that’s not the way I am.”

“Oh?” Seth’s voice continued to carry amusement. “Tell me, how are you, then?”

Li’s frown turned into a scowl as he moved his hands under his legs. His desire to hold Seth, to take him, was becoming overwhelming even as he was becoming more irritated. “I…I was harassed for being…” He faltered, lowering his voice before continuing, “…for being gay. I was beaten, teased, ostracized. I started hiding, denying that I was. I moved to get away from those who knew and started avoiding people in general.” His hands fisted under his legs. “I was fifteen when I started college classes online. I got my bachelors in information security the same time I got my high school diploma. Finding a job that I could do from home was easy.”

“So, you are driven, then?” Seth asked, something resembling softness and respect in his voice.

Li looked at Seth curiously. “How do you figure?” He knew he was, but with as little as he said, how did Seth come to that conclusion.

“You set a goal, and you meet it. Avoiding people, graduating college, finding me.”

Li nodded. He still wasn’t sure if it was a compliment or a complaint. “My parents didn’t, so I had to.”

Seth didn’t comment on that. He sighed, still weighing Li. “Ideally, where do you see our relationship going?”

Li’s face was a mask of confusion. “You want me to answer that here?” he whispered as the hostess sat an older couple behind him.

Seth’s lips twisted up in a slightly sadistic smirk. “Yes.”

Li scowled. He leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table. “What I’d like from our relationship is that we be together.” His eyes darted to the room and then back to Seth. “I want to be your friend, your lover, anything you need me to be. I want you to be what I need.” He took a breath. “I want to get to know you and I’d like it if you wanted to know me, too.” He looked at his plate, frowning. “I’m willing to compromise, but I will not give up everything.”

“Oh?” Seth asked archly, leaning back and propping his arm up along the back of the bench. “And what is it you won’t give up, Li?”

Li clasped his hands around his plate. “I won’t give up who I am. I will continue to pursue my own interests and to continue to learn. I won’t become a mindless servant. I won’t fold just because you tell me to.” His jaw was set in defiance as he glared at Seth.

Seth continued to regard Li haughtily. “And, is that all you have to say? That you’re willing to compromise as long as I don’t ask you to change? What kind of compromise is that?”

“I am willing to change what I do but not who I am,” Li shot out, a little louder than he intended.

Seth raised an eyebrow and then laughed. “Well said.” He relaxed and took up stirring his soup again. “Very well said.”

“Bastard,” Li muttered, picking up his fork and making a mess of his remaining food.

Seth chuckled. “Perhaps. But, I am relieved.” He flagged the waitress over for their check. He handed her a credit card without looking at the bill.

As they were waiting for her to return, he rubbed his hands together. “I haven’t really wanted anyone in years,” he murmured just loud enough to reach Li’s ears.

Li looked up but the expression on Seth’s face, like he hadn’t meant to be heard, kept him silent. He looked back at the mush he’d made of his pancakes with more hope than he’d had the entire meal.

The waitress returned and Seth signed the slip. “Let’s go,” he said, sliding out of the booth.

Li followed quickly. “Where now?” he asked as they left the diner.

“Home. I…this is enough for tonight.”

Li nodded. “Same time tomorrow, then?”

Seth huddled in on himself, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Yeah.”

In the elevator back to the twelfth floor, Seth stood in the corner farthest away from Li, his arms crossed over his chest, his face a mask of pain.

“Are you okay?” Li asked softly, not moving closer. He was on the edge of his own control.

“I…I…” He swallowed and shook his head. “It’s overwhelming,” he managed just as the elevator opened. He darted down the hall and was going through his door as Li stepped out of the lift.

Confused, uncertain, he went into his apartment and began his work for the night. Several hours later, a note was slipped under his door. What he read made him laugh with delight.

‘Li, the need to hold you is overwhelming, but I will not be ruled by it. You will get to know me before I let you have what you want.’