Come Back To Me

When Patrick awoke his head was in Colin\'s lap and his eyes stung from all his crying. He looked up at Colin and noticed that he had the journal in his hands.



"Hey." He said and his voice cracked from sleep and the lump still lodged in his throat. Colin looked down at him and smiled.



"One second, I\'m almost done." Colin said and turned the page, Patrick closed his eyes trying to prepare himself. Maybe Colin had experienced everything he had, maybe he really was Philip and this was their chance. It had to be, why else would fate do this to him. He held his breath as he heard Colin shut the book.



"That was quite a journal." Colin said absentmindedly running his fingers through Patrick\'s hair.



"Yeah?" Patrick asked hopefully enjoying the feel of Colin\'s fingers on his scalp.



"Yeah. Those guys were so in love and then they just died like that, tragic really." Colin said thoughtfully.



"Maybe they got together in their next lives." Patrick suggested still clinging on to hope.



"I doubt it. You really even believe in that kind of stuff?" Colin asked dismissively.



"You don\'t?" Patrick asked sitting up quickly as he began to feel as if his heart was being placed in a blender.

"Not really." Colin answered shrugging, and Patrick\'s heart shattered where he sat. Before there had been hope to cling on to, now there was nothing. He couldn\'t do this; he needed Tim, who has helped him through every other crisis in his life. He stood up and pulled his keys out of his pocket.



"I have to go." He said not looking at Colin as he walked quickly out of the office and into the kitchen that was now bustling with people.



"Wait, are you ok to drive? Where are you going? Do you want me to take you?" Colin asked following him.



"No. I need to get away from here, away from you." Patrick said and noticed the hurt that formed in Colin\'s eyes.



"Are you embarrassed because of the whole crying thing? There\'s no need to be! I don\'t care."



"No I just have to go." Patrick said as he opened the door of the restaurant and sprinted across the street to his car. Colin watched him go in confusion.



//



By some miracle Patrick made it to Tim\'s shop without breaking down. He assumed it was mostly on autopilot. Once he got there though, all bets were off. He walked away from his car leaving the door open and the engine running. With each step his legs grew weaker, and when he did manage to make it inside the door they gave out completely and he collapsed to his knees.



"Patrick? Oh my fucking god kid! What\'s the matter?" Tim said rushing over.



"It was supposed to be him Tim! He was supposed to remember." Patrick said weakly dissolving into tears again as Tim watched in horror. This man in front of him was broken, utterly and completely broken.



"Kid what happened to you?" Tim asked desperately and pulled Patrick into his arms.



"It was supposed to be him. Everything else is broken. He was supposed to fix it." Patrick said and as Tim looked into his eyes he noticed that the life behind them was gone.



"WHO?!" Tim asked eager to kill the guy who had done this to Patrick.



"I\'m not as strong this time. I\'m not as strong as Luke." Patrick whispered.



"Luke? Who\'s Luke?" Tim asked so confused it hurt to think.



"I am."



"What the hell are you going on about?" Tim yelled, and Patrick shrunk back in fear.



"I\'m Luke! He was supposed to be Philip! He was supposed to love me like Philip loved Luke! He was supposed to make it ok! It\'s our second chance!" Patrick yelled angrily.



"Kid, calm down and explain to me what\'s happening."



"That journal, it\'s all because of that journal. It made me crazy Tim." Patrick whispered making his throat close up with unshed tears.



"What about it?"



"It made me have these visions, except they weren’t visions they were memories. I was the servant that the kid fell in love with, and I was the servant that died for the kid, and I was the reason he killed himself. I felt myself being hung. I felt the breath leave my lungs for the last time." Patrick said in one breath.



"A past life?" Tim asked and Patrick nearly jumped up to hug him.



"You believe me?"



"Of course kid, you know I believe in all that karma and past lives junk. Now who did you think this guy was?"



"Colin is Philip. He is! I just feel it in my heart."



"Colin? You\'re telling me Colin did this to you?" Tim asked angrily.



"No, he didn\'t remember. He read the whole journal and he didn\'t remember." He said breaking into tears.



"Oh Patrick." Tim sighed as he scooped the younger man into his arms.



"I threw away everything because he was supposed to remember. He was supposed to love me and fix everything. If he loved me then you\'d stop hating me and Marissa wouldn\'t be so hurt."



"I don\'t hate you. I just didn\'t understand what was going on with you and it scared me. You could have told me this then."



"Oh yeah. Tim I might be nuts but I think I was a servant to the kid in that journal. Oh and guess what? I\'m in love with a guy I\'ve known a week because he might be the kid from the journal."



"Ok so I may have thought about making you get your head examined at first, but come on kid I worship Tom Clancy. I\'m a little bit crazy too."



"He was supposed to be him." Patrick repeated and Tim knew that Patrick wouldn\'t hear him anymore, that he couldn\'t.



//



Colin stared at the journal that Patrick had left behind. He felt compelled to know everything he could about the people in it, about Philip and Luke. He had tried searching the internet but had come up with little more than Mr. Van Buren had made his money in the oil industry and that his wife had died young from consumption. Now he was standing outside the old Van Buren mansion that had long since been turned into a museum by the town\'s historical society.



Staring up at the gates he couldn\'t quite place them but they were eerily familiar and not in a good way either. As he passed under them he felt a shiver go down his spine. Walking up the steps he couldn\'t help but feel that he\'d been there before. The feeling grew even more as he entered into what had once been the main entrance hall but now served as the museum tour guides headquarters. When he heard the gasp from the desk he doesn\'t think twice about it until he noticed that there was an older woman, who must have been at least seventy standing right in front of him staring at him intently.



"Uh, hi?" He squeaked smiling at her uneasily.



"Wow I\'ve people who have come close before but this is absolutely uncanny." She whispered and turned his head to look at his profile.



"What is?" He asked and she finally snapped back to reality and released his face.



"Oh! I\'m so sorry sir, it\'s just, well look for yourself." She said and pulled him over to one of the many pictures that hung on the wall. Colin felt his heart drop to his stomach as he eyes fell upon the picture. Staring back at him was his own face, his own eyes. He brought his shaking hands up to the picture and let his fingers ghost over the old worn photograph.



"See sir, you have to understand, that\'s..." The old woman began.



"Philip Anthony Michael Van Buren." He whispered cutting her off.



"Why, yes." She said surprised, and he turned to her his face as white as a ghost.



"Please," he paused to look at her name tag, “Mary. Are there any pictures of Luke?"



"How do you know about Luke? No one knows that story." She gasped shocked.



"It\'s a long story, but do you?" He asked urgently.



"Well of course come this way. It isn\'t normal for the servant\'s to be photographed but Mr. Van Buren was very fond of flaunting his wealth so he had this made." She said leading him farther into the house until she stopped in front of a large photograph depicting the entire house and the staff posed in front. Colin walked over to it and his breath caught in his throat. There in roughly the middle of the first row of people was Patrick, at least the Patrick he\'d seen in that one daydream he had.



"Oh my god." He whispered and once again moved to touch the photograph. The moment he did it was as if he was watching a movie in fast forward. He saw everything from playing with Luke as a child, to his mother reading to him at night, to seeing Luke hanging from those iron gates, to that final plunge he took off of the roof. He staggered back as if punched.



"Oh Lord, forgive me Luke." He mumbled bringing his hand up to his mouth in shock.



"Did you just say...?” Mary started to say but Colin didn\'t stay to listen. He took off running, desperate to get to Patrick. He screeched to a halt at the gates, and looked up seeing the flicker of a body hanging from them.



"Luke..." He whispered staring. He shook his head and started running again, that life was over, it had ended the moment Luke had given his life to protect Philip, but there was still time for this one. He had to get to Patrick; he had to fix what he may have already destroyed by not remembering.



//



"Patrick I know you\'re hurting man but you have to eat something." Tim begged looking at the untouched food that sat in front of his young friend.



"I can\'t." Patrick said sadly, and Tim\'s worry only grew. He had never seen someone so obviously broken. The Patrick he knew was gone, and he was going to kill Colin for that.



"I\'m going to go back to my shop for awhile." Patrick said finally. Tim wanted to stop him, to do something, but Patrick had been there all day, and now night and he\'d made no progress whatsoever.



"Call me if you need anything, anything at all." Tim said and Patrick nodded mutely. He watched as Patrick walked to his car looking as if it took every ounce of his being to just put one foot in front of the other.



Patrick drove slowly, receiving many honks in return, but he couldn\'t find it in himself to care. He couldn\'t find it in himself to do much of anything, eat, drink, and if he wasn\'t careful he was pretty sure he\'d stop breathing to avoid the effort it took. The ride, normally five minutes long, took nearly twenty and by the time he reached his shop the moon was high in the sky.



This time he remembered to turn off the car and close the door as he got out. He fumbled his keys not looking up until he was about a foot away from the door. When he finally did look up he saw a figure huddled against the door sleeping. Patrick froze in his tracks as he recognized the hair that peaked over the collar of the person\'s jacket.



"No." He managed shaking his head and convincing himself he was imagining thing. He resumed walking towards the door. When he was right near it the image stirred seemingly waking up.



"Go away! Haven\'t I given up enough already? Do I have to lose my mind too?!" Patrick yelled looking up at the sky.



"I\'m sorry." Colin said. Patrick closed his eyes and rubbed them hard and franticly.



"Go away, go away, go away." He chanted still convinced this was imagined. Colin watched him sadly before grabbing his hands and holding them in his own.



Patrick looked down at the hands holding his, then up at Colin, and back down once more before removing one hand from Colin\'s grip to run his fingers down the other man\'s cheek. Colin leaned into the touch.



"I\'m so sorry. You promised you\'d find me and you did and I didn\'t believe. I\'ve failed us, Luke. Can you ever forgive me for doubting?" Colin said and felt his throat closing up as Patrick\'s eyes remained emotionless.



"Please don\'t fuck with my head like this. Tim called you didn\'t he?" Patrick asked looking away from Colin refusing to meet his eyes. Colin was horrified with himself; the man in front of him was so heartbroken that he\'d stopped believing.



"Luke, I sw..."



"Stop calling me that." Patrick said pushing past Colin to unlock the door.



"Patrick please, how can I make you believe me?"



"You want me to believe you? Tell me something that wasn\'t in the journal, something only Philip would know." Patrick said not turning around.



"The day they hung you it was because you\'d said rather die than not know what it was like to wake up holding me. Then in the morning your father found us and he took you to my father and you told them you\'d forced yourself on me. They dragged you down to the gates and hung you and still the last thing you said before you died was that you loved me. Then I went to my grandmother\'s house and I jumped off the roof because I loved you too much to live without you and I wanted to die where we\'d been happiest." Colin said desperately the tears streaming down his face. Patrick turned slowly looking at him with such love that Colin actually felt his knees giving way. Patrick rushed forward and caught him wrapping him up in his arms.



"Philip." Patrick whispered nuzzling into the crook of Colin\'s neck. Colin laughed happily returning Patrick\'s tight embrace.



He kissed the side of Patrick and smiled, " This time we\'ll do this right, I won\'t lose you again, I can\'t."



"You won\'t." Patrick promised. They stayed like that for a long while, their emotions still too ragged to do much more.



"Patrick?" Colin asked finally pulling back.



"Yeah?" Patrick asked quietly his arms still wrapped loosely around Colin\'s waist.



"Are you living here?" Colin asked looking around and realizing the vast effect everything had had on Patrick\'s life.



"Well yeah... kind of." Patrick said scratching the back of his neck blushing.



"Come live with me." Colin said suddenly and Patrick\'s head shot up as he smiled toothily.



"Really?" He asked sounding not unlike a little boy who\'d just been asked to live at Disneyland.



"Really." Colin said and finally kissed him the way he should have from the very instant they’d met.



//Epilogue//



"Are you sure you want to do this?" Colin asked for probably the hundredth time as they stood across the street from the Van Buren mansion.



"Yes, for the millionth time Colin I need to see this place for myself." Patrick said taking his hand and smiling.



"Ok fine, but don\'t be surprised if an old lady named Mary runs up and grabs your face." Colin mumbled and Patrick looked at him confused.



"I told you I came here after I read the journal."



"Yes but you left out the part about getting felt up by an ancient tour guide, and I have to admit that might be my favorite part." Patrick said laughing as he pulled Colin across the street.



"Oh sure, pick me getting groped over remembering how much I love you."



"Ok I will." Patrick said and laughed when Colin punched him in the arm,” I\'m just kidding I love you too geek face."



"You were much nicer last time around." Colin grumbled and Patrick stuck his tongue out running ahead not even pausing as he ran under the gates. Colin though found himself frozen underneath them once again staring up.



"Hey, you ok?" Patrick said coming over to him.



"I hate those gates, I feel sick every time I walk under them." Colin said still not moving.



"Colin, that life is over, we\'re happy now and that\'ll never happen again."



"No I know I just I can\'t handle them. I can\'t get that picture out of my head."



"You can handle them." Patrick said grabbing his hand once more and helping him walk away from the gates.



"Thanks." He mumbled and Patrick smiled widely.



"No problem, now come on it\'s my turn to get groped by an old lady." He said dragging Colin through the open doors and right up to the desk where Mary sat looking awed.



"Oh Lord God in heaven." She said looking between the two of them.



"Not quite ma\'am." Patrick said and smiled at her.



"You two... and they...good Lord." She mumbled unable to tear her eyes away from the two them.



"I know this is a shock ma\'am, it was to us too. I believe you saw what Colin went through but we were wondering if we could have a tour and if maybe you could tell us what and how you know about Luke and Philip." Patrick asked and Mary beamed at him.



"Well of course dear!" She said standing up, "The truth is the only reason that I know what really happened, why Luke and Philip died is because Luke was my uncle." Mary said as she began leading them into the house.



"Really?" Patrick asked genuinely interested.



"Yes. He helped put my dad through school. My dad really looked up to him and was devastated when Luke died. He hated his father from that day on and never spoke to him again. My dad did go and steal Philip\'s journal though so he could maybe find out why everything had happened. He told us the story over and over, telling us what a hero our Uncle Luke really was. After he died though the journal kind of got lost in the shuffle, I haven\'t seen it in years." She said and Colin and Patrick smiled at each other choosing to keep quiet as they followed her deeper into the house listening to everything she could tell them about the lives they\'d once known.