Touru to Shidou/Touru and Shidou

~*~*~*~Touru

It was dark, not like my room, but a different type of dark. I’d had a nightmare again. It took a little bit for me to remember where I was. I was in Shidou’s room. I began to be able to see things. I could see him in the bed across the room. I climbed out of my bed and went to his. I needed to be with him. He would keep the nightmares away. He groaned a little in his sleep as he wrapped his arms around me. I sighed and fell back asleep.

~*~*~*~Shidou

The sun was starting to hit my eyes. I didn’t want to wake up, yet. It felt too good to hold him.

Huh? Touru was supposed to be in the other bed. Why was he in my arms? Oh, hell. “Touru?” I asked softly.

He moaned a little, his face scrunching cutely. I was so glad there was a blanket between him and me. If he wasn’t prepared for me to kiss him, there was no way he’d be ready for the way my body was reacting to him. Hell, I wasn’t ready for the way my body was reacting. “Touru, wake up, please.”

His face scrunched again and his eyes opened slowly, barely focused. It was amazing how green they were. My body reacted again. I had to get him out of the room so I could get into the bathroom, damn it. He moaned and that did nothing at all to help the problem. “Touru, why are you in my bed?” I asked gently, hoping he wouldn’t take it wrong, that he wasn’t awake enough to take it wrong.

“Had nightmare. You’d keep away.” He began falling back to sleep.

I sighed, “Sleep, then, my love. I’ll be back.” I crawled out of bed and pulled on a t-shirt. I grabbed clean clothes so I’d have an excuse and a cover for being in the bathroom. I moved quickly through the house.

There are times having one bathroom seriously sucked. I managed to get in without being seen and locked the door behind me. I dropped my clothes on the floor and started the shower quickly. I thought about taking a cold shower but figured that would hurt more than it helped. With the warm water hitting my back, I looked down, “You have seriously sucky timing, y’know?” I leaned, one hand against the wall and with the other reached down. I closed my eyes, trying not to think of anything, but I couldn’t erase the feel of him in my arms, the feel of his lips on mine, how he responded so well to me, how much I wanted him. My mind insisted on showing me him as I stroked myself harder and harder. I had to bite my lips to stay silent. My head went back as my body released. I could hear him telling me he loved me as I leaned against the wall, the water still hitting my back.

My stomach hurt. My head hurt. My heart was heavy, but at the same time, I felt light, happy. He wanted to be with me. I made him feel safe. Why had I never fantasized so strongly about any of the girls I’d been with? I wondered as I washed my hair. What was it about Touru that I needed so much? Why did I want him so badly?

Part of me wondered if it was because he needed me? But that didn’t seem right. He didn’t really need me; he could stand on his own. He had, I knew this. His writing showed a strong person. He was smart, charming, sweet, caring. I snorted at my list of adjectives.

As I rinsed the soap out of my hair, I decided it didn’t matter. Even my parents couldn’t tell me why they loved each other. Dad hadn’t been into guys until he met Pop, Pop not really into girls until Mom, who didn’t like any other girls than Mama, who only liked Dad and Pop as guys. I remember asking one time why they all had to be together and Mom asking me why I had to breathe. It was the same thing, she told me. It just had to be because that was the way it was.

There was a knock on the door and Mama yelled, “Hurry up, some of us have work, y’know!”

“Alright, alright,” I groused. I quickly finished washing and dressed. I had the towel over my head when I left the bathroom.

When I got into my room, Touru was sitting at my computer. His hair was tousled and his eyes bleary as he sat typing at my computer. He looked over and his eyes went wide. “It’s okay, isn’t it?”

I ran my hand through his hair, “Yeah, take your time. Do you want a drink or anything?”

He shook his head and continued typing.

~*~*~*~Touru

Why did I wake up in his bed? I felt him crawl over me. I was awake enough to know he’d asked me why I was there and I heard him leave. I’d felt something, I think. I think he woke up hard. I’m pretty sure he did.

He sat on the bed and dried his hair. I had to know. I turned to face him, “Shidou?” He pulled the towel off his head and looked at me, waiting. I took a deep breath and asked, “Did you think of me in your shower?”

His jaw dropped and his face flushed bright red. He nodded, though and kept looking at me, his eyes wide. After a moment, he managed to speak, “Yeah, I did. I tried not to because neither of us is ready for anything like that yet, but I couldn’t stop thinking of you and how it feels to kiss you and to hold you and that you love me.”

I looked at him a long time. Finally, I got up and walked to him, pulling on his hand. He stood up, though he looked confused and I wrapped my arms around him and just held him. I rested my cheek on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me. With one of his hands, he held my head, caressing my hair, with the other, he held my waist. I felt safe, calm in his arms. He didn’t say anything, just held me a long time, let me hold him.

“Boys, breakfast,” Mom yelled from out in the house.

Shidou hugged me tighter before letting me go. Strangely, I was really glad he didn’t say anything. He seemed to know what I needed. I didn’t have to explain myself to him; I didn’t have to ask for what I needed from him. That felt so good. It felt good to have him hold me. He walked out of the room and I followed him more slowly. I stopped in the doorway and watched them for a little bit. Pop was straightening Dad’s tie and collar as they stood in the living room. I continued to watch as they kissed each other, Pop’s hand on Dad’s chin while Dad pulled his jacket on, shaking his arms to settle it properly and then pulled Pop in close to him. I smiled and looked around to see Mama giving Mom a hug from behind. They just hugged, and then sat down. Pop and Dad finished their kiss and moved to the table, both of them kissing the women before they sat down. Shidou just sat down at the table as if this were something he was used to.

I sighed, remembering how happy my parents had been together. Though Thalia and I would tease them when they kissed each other, it always made us feel good that our parents loved each other enough to show us. I never saw that with my relatives. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. Shidou looked over his shoulder at me, “C’mon, dreamer. You need to eat, too.”

I smiled softly and joined them at the table. No one apologized, no one said anything about their affection for each other. I sat next to Shidou and he handed me a plate of sausage to go with the eggs and toast already on my plate. I took the plate and he gave me a lopsided grin and began applying ketchup to his eggs. I pulled a face and he looked at me, “What?”

“That’s gross,” I told him.

He looked at his plate then at me. “What’s gross?” he asked.

“Ketchup on your eggs. That’s gross. Blech,” I stuck my tongue out at him.

He laughed, and the rest of them chuckled, “You’ve got your own. You don’t have to eat mine.”

“I know, but still, gross.” I started laughing, too.

“Well, fine, I’ll be sure to brush my teeth before…” his voice trailed off and he looked at me uncertain.

“You’d better brush your teeth before you kiss me again.” That statement made my heart pound over my fluttering stomach.

He grinned, looking relieved, “I promise to keep my teeth clean for you.”

~*~*~*~Shidou

Gods, I was so relieved he didn’t freak out about how we woke up and that he was willing to tease. I was so happy that he didn’t think my family’s behavior was weird. He looked so happy watching them. I felt like laughing, my heart and head now light with relief. Breakfast wasn’t much of a conversation meal since we usually all had to hurry and get where we were going, but since Touru and I wouldn’t be going anywhere, I asked, “What were you working on?”

He shrugged and blushed, “I kinda write something everyday. It helps me get my head working in the morning.”

“What kinda writing do you wanna do?” I asked as I bit off some toast.

He took a bite of eggs before he answered, “I dunno, really, yet. I like writing all kinds of things.” He shrugged, “Would you think it too weird if I said I liked writing essays for school? And that I kinda wanna write kids books, too.”

“No, I wouldn’t think it’s weird. I think it’s cool.” I grinned at him. I started blushing, “I have a confession.”

The parents were pretty much ignoring us, but this caught their attention. “What?” Touru asked, looking a little worried.

“I found out about you when you transferred in. Your grades were so close to mine that I was a little worried about my rank, y’know. I wanted to make sure I got my scholarship.” I blushed and looked at my plate, my lips quirking at his reaction to how I liked my eggs. “I wanted to know if you’d be a threat. I found out you wrote online and started reading because of that. I decided I liked you, I liked the way you think and that you weren’t a threat as much as a challenge.” I grinned at him, “That’s how I came to know you. Are you mad at me?”

He looked confused as he shook his head, “Not mad. I mean, it…well, I never cared about my rank in school. I just did my best because that’s what my parents wanted.” I reached over and put my hand on his thigh, squeezing lightly. He looked at me again, “I was wondering how you found me, though.” He blushed, “I’m glad you did.”

“Me, too,” I replied. “Now, eat. Do you like hiking?”

“Hiking? I dunno, I’ve never been. Are you really up for that?” His eyes were full of concern.

“Not a really long hike. I just wanna show you this preserve. It’s really pretty. We could have lunch out there or something.”

“I wanna shower and to change first.”

“No problem, we can go by your place first.”

“Boys,” Pop interrupted us.

“Yes?” we both said.

“We never gave Shidou his birthday present and now is a good time,” Mom said.

“Well, if we don’t do it now, he’s gonna have a heart attack,” Pop grinned at me.

“Huh?” I asked.

“Here,” Dad handed me keys. They had my key chains on them, but the car keys were different.

“These…what did you do?”

“Well,” Mama began, “you’re gonna need a better car to get to school across the state. We didn’t think your beast would get there, much less bring you home to visit, and now you have more of a reason to come and visit.”

I stood up and hugged them all before pulling Touru to his feet, “Let’s go see!” I think he was confused, but he followed me, laughing. In my parking spot was a newer Neon. It was still used, but it was newer than my Chevy. I dragged Touru around it, grinning like an idiot.

“It’s purple,” he pointed out, “so purple, it’s almost black.” He grinned at me when I looked at him. “Your favorite color,” he added.

“Yes,” I was grinning so much I thought my face would split, “my favorite color to share with my favorite person.” I opened the door for him and waved, “In, in, let’s go!”

My parents were laughing at us, or probably me. Touru protested as he moved to get in, “But, what about the dishes?”

“Go on, he’ll be useless until he takes you for a ride. I’ll take care of them. Come back for a lunch, though,” Mom laughed.

~*~*~*~Touru

Shidou laughed as he continued to hold the door for me. Waving at his parents, I slid in and he closed the door behind me. Everything was going so well with him. I was happy, and I was scared, too, wondering what else would happen to him, to us. I unlocked his door and watched as he went and hugged his parents again before joining me in the car. He reached over and grabbed my hand, kissing it a long time before he let it go. My face was burning when he looked at me again, his eyes shining with happiness. His hand went to my cheek and he held my face a long time, just looking at me. Finally, he whispered, “I love you.”

I looped my arm around his neck and pulled him to me, pressing our lips together. He froze a moment and then began to return the kiss, his arm going around me. His touch, me touching him chased away the fear and I felt secure, loved. I let my hand wander into his hair and it slipped through my fingers, thick and smooth. His tongue touched my lips and I opened my mouth for him. He traced tickling paths that sent shocks through my body, causing me to become very aware of how uncomfortably tight my pants were while twisted around to kiss him. I didn’t care, though, I needed him. I reached out for his tongue with mine and we both moaned. I shifted in my seat, trying to get closer to him and he slowly pulled away from me, breaking our kiss so tenderly I knew he wanted more. He rested his forehead on mine, panting. I could barely breathe as I whispered, “I love you.”

He pulled back and looked into my eyes. “I’m not complaining at all, Touru, but why?”

“I needed it. I’m still afraid, but I need you, Shidou.”

“I want to take this slowly, Touru. I don’t want to rush us into anything, okay?”

“I know. I don’t want to rush us, either, but I just need you. I can’t explain it any better than that. I don’t know how.” I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I like that you like to hold me. I love you. I love that your family is so happy together. It always made me feel safe and secure when I saw my parents show affection for each other. I knew they loved each other.” I was babbling, I knew it, but I couldn’t stop, “I want to feel that way again, and I did this morning, seeing your family care for each other. I want that for us, too, I want us to not be afraid and I don’t know how else to not be afraid than to keep doing things and hoping that bad things don’t continue to happen.”

He laid a finger on my lips and I lifted my head to look at him. “You don’t have to justify yourself, Touru. My family loves you or they wouldn’t have felt so comfortable around you. I’m very glad they do. They’re not in the habit of saying things they don’t mean. You really are welcome anytime you want.” He kissed me again, lightly, “I love you, too, you know. I want you to feel secure.” He leaned over so that he was whispering in my ear, “But, we’re not having sex for a while because I don’t want to rush things, understand?”

My cheeks turned bright red, I could see them in the corner of my eye in the review mirror. “I wasn’t thinking about that.”

“I was, Touru. I was thinking about kissing you all over.” He was still by my ear, his voice husky, making my pants feel tighter. “I want to hold you close, Touru, feel your naked body against mine.” He kissed my neck and I shivered. Abruptly he pulled away, clearing his throat and looking out the window. “But, not on our second date.”

I laughed, trying to ease the tension in my body, “Our second date? Still?”

He grinned at me, “Yep, still on our second date. Will be until I drop you off at home and leave you there and come back here for a while.”

My cheeks burned and I asked, “How many dates do we need to have before we go farther?”

He turned to look at me, his eyes completely serious, “Touru, we are not going to rush that, not at all. Seriously, I doubt we’ll get there before graduation. I want to take my time with you. I want to know you, Touru, because I want to be with you for a very, very long time.”

It was strange. My body relaxed, my pants getting looser, but my heart swelled, filling my chest and making it hard to breathe. I could feel the tears in my eyes as I choked out, “Shidou.”

He wrapped his arms around me again. It was awkward in the car, but he held me and I clung to him. “It’s okay for us to be happy, Touru. It’s okay for us to be together, too. You make me happy, so very happy.” His voice broke. I just held him and he held me for a long time. When we pulled back from each other, his eyes were glistening. He kissed me softly before turning to start the car. I sighed and leaned against my seat while he drove me home.

~*~*~*~Shidou

My mind was barely focused enough to get us to his place. He kissed me. He started it. I couldn’t get over that. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. As we approached the diner, I said, “I’ll need directions, Touru.”

He sounded like he was waking when he started telling me how to get to his place. It didn’t look better in the light. It looked worse than a flop house. It badly needed painting, and that was just the simplest of the repairs. A couple of the windows were boarded up and a few others were covered in foil. We both got out of the car and I waited until he walked around. He looked at me and there must have been something in my face because he started apologizing.

“Touru,” I said softly. He stopped, “You’re paying for this yourself, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, looking at his feet. “Well, a room, it was…”

“Stop. I’m impressed. I don’t know if I could do this and still keep my grades as high as yours are.” I pulled him to my chest, “You’re such an incredible person, you know that, right?”

I felt him shrug, “Pop offered me a job to help pay for counseling and to pay me, too. I’m thinking about it. It would let me get a real apartment.” He sighed, “They told me not to make decisions this weekend, but I think I will take the job.” He pulled away, “Wanna come up? It’s just a room, but…”

“I’d like that,” I answered, taking his hand and pulling his hand a little so he led me up the sidewalk. He opened the door and pulled me in quickly, shutting the door silently behind us.

We were just about to go up the stairs when a man in a white sleeveless undershirt and checkered shorts, neither of which looked very clean as they struggled to cover his gut, came along the hall. He looked at me with contempt, “He better not be staying.”

“We’re just here long enough for me to shower and pick up some stuff,” Touru answered, his voice tense.

The man glared at me, “That better be it. I don’t wanna hear anything else out of that room.”

“C’mon,” Touru muttered, pulling me as he ran up the stairs. He practically threw me in a door and slammed it shut behind us. I stood in the middle of the room, looking at him as he stood panting against the door. “I gotta get out of here.”

I walked over to him and put my hands on his shoulders, pulling him away from the door. “Touru, one thing at a time. Go shower. We’ll go out for the day. Maybe we can look at apartments, if you want.” I remembered what Dad had wanted me to ask. “Hey, I forgot, but I need to ask you ‘cause it’s important. Dad is acting as my council for the trial. He said others were coming forward, too. Is it okay for him to represent you, too?”

His face went white, “But, I can’t afford…”

“Touru, because there are so many involved, and other stuff, it’s considered pro bono, for the public good. He’s not charging anyone. Do you want to press charges against them?”

He stood silent for a long time, just staring at my chest. Finally he nodded. Just then, though, my phone rang. He looked startled as I pulled it out. “It’s Dad,” I told him, opening the phone. I moved away from him and he pushed me to sit on the bed while he went around the room gathering clothes and a towel. I let Dad know Touru accepted him and he told me they pretty much had a plea bargain arranged. It wouldn’t be final until the arraignment, but it would work it so that Touru didn’t have to go to court, but I would and a few others. If things worked out, it would just be an evidentiary hearing, which meant that it would only take a couple of days for the actual trial. I thanked him and hung up. Touru was in the shower. I felt drained so I laid down on his bed. It smelled like him and my eyes were heavy. I held the pillow to my chest and let my eyes close.

~*~*~*~Touru

The water was lukewarm, soaking my hair. I put my hands on the wall and the water went down my back, not quite as comforting as usual. My thoughts lingered on Shidou, making me feel happy, nervous, tense, relaxed, confused. I closed my eyes and let my head come back up, the water hitting my forehead. Thalia had been into energy flow and things like that and told me about chakras, how they controlled different things. I didn’t really believe it, but sometimes it helped. The water on my forehead would help clear the third eye, helping me think clearly. In my mind, I remembered what she looked like, seeing her brown eyes and hair. She looked like our dad while I looked like our mom. I sighed, not feeling as sad as I normally did when I remembered her. “Thalia,” I said softly, needing to talk, needing to hear myself, “Shidou’s a great guy. He really is. I think you’d like him, and his family, too.” I sighed, leaning back against the other wall. The shower stall was so small that there was no way for the water to be on and not hit me. With my back against the wall, it hit my chest, over my heart. “I love him,” I told her, and I could see her smile at me. How I wished she was actually here to talk to. “I love him and I’m afraid and I want to do so much with him.” I took a deep breath, feeling the water move along my body. “He’s so full of life and fire. And, his family accepts me, too. They want to help me. I feel happy with them, like we did when we teased Mom and Dad about being all lovey-dovey with each other, remember?” I saw her grin at me. “Is it really okay for me to be happy again?” I asked her. A part of me felt I was betraying her by being happy without her.

Then, suddenly, I felt calm. I could almost hear her tell me to be happy, be confident, to love. I still lived, it was okay to live. I think I cried and laughed. It was strange. I didn’t feel pain thinking about her. She was happy for me, wanted me to be happy. She’d always be with me. I could think of her without hurting. I was thinking of her without hurting. I could hear her laughter. Slowly, her presence faded, became less present and I felt peaceful for the first time in a very long time.

I finished my shower and dressed. When I came out of the bathroom, Shidou was curled around my pillow, asleep. I watched him for a while, enjoying how I felt, smiling at him. After a while, I decided to finish working on what I’d been writing that morning. I could finish it now. I grinned at Shidou and sat down at my computer, glancing at the picture of Thalia and me that I kept by my monitor. I touched her face, as I did most of the time I sat at my computer, but it didn’t make my heart hurt this time. It was good. I grinned at the picture and turned to retrieve the document I’d emailed myself.

Post by Thalin Friday 11:25

In Hamlet, the concept of suicide is much in the forefront of the title character’s mind. A moody, melancholic youth, Hamlet ponders the value of ending one’s life versus continuing to struggle. This is most evident in the second soliloquy and can be applied to “living in a closet,” as it were, locking one’s self away in fear. Let us examine this speech and its implications.

“To be or not to be, that is the question, whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of time or to take arms against the sea of troubles and by opposing end them?”

To be, that is to continue to exist on this plane of reality or to seek another. To be honest, upright with one’s self and others about who and what one is. Is it better to be yourself or to fall into line with what people want you to be? And, if you insist on being yourself, will opposition truly end or continue to fire arrows, some of them burning, at you?

“To die, to sleep, and by a sleep we say to end the heartache and thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to. ‘tis a consolation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep; to sleep perchance to dream.”

Maybe, by denying ourselves, by sleeping, we would be free of pain? Is that really the case? Even Hamlet continues…

“Aye, there’s the rub. For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come? When we have shuffed off, this mortal coil must give us pause. There’s the respect that makes calamity of so long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressors wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, the insolence of office, the spurns that the patient merit of the unworthy takes when he himself his own quietus make with a bare bodkin. Yes, who would these fardels bear, to grunt and sweat under weary life…”

What value is there to denying yourself who and what you are? Only frustration and aggravation, spurned love, delays of laws, being despised and reviled without recourse. Who would put up with those circumstances when they could take steps to correct them? Why lock yourself away, why hide yourself when it only causes pain? But, again, in his ambivalent manner, Hamlet continues…

“…but that the dread of something after death, the undiscovered country, puzzles the will and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to those we know not of. Thus conscious makes cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied over with the pale cast of thought and enterprises of great pith and moment, with this regard, in their currents turn awry and loose the name of action…”

The unknown…that great motivator and detractor. We know we can bear what we face now, but the unknown both intrigues us and frightens us. Sadly, at this point, Hamlet is interrupted so we never read how he resolved his own conflict, but we can resolve our own. Is it more important to us to be who we truly are or to be who people want us to be?

For myself, I have found the answer, and I have been blessed with it. I will be myself, I will be who and what I am without apology. I have found people who accept me as I am, who want to know that person, who will be patient while I find that person and get to know him. I have found a lover and a new family. Rejoice with me, for dreams do come when you fight the fear, when you slay it. Not to say it will be easy, but is anything worth having ever truly easy?

~*~*~*~Shidou

I woke to the clicking of keys. I watched him for a while, smiling as he worked. My eyes took in the room as I waited for him to finish. There weren’t any pictures or posters on the walls, but there were a couple of framed ones on his desk. One in particular caught my eye, mostly because it seemed…odd.

Quietly, I sat up, leaning forward to get a better look. It was what I thought it was. A girl with straight brown hair to her shoulders, brown eyes and a warm smile wearing a tux standing next to Touru, his hair also shoulder length, falling in ringlets where it wasn’t caught up, wearing a formal dress, spaghetti straps, fitted to his body, a straight skirt that slit just past his knee. It was green, as were his shoes, low heels, making his eyes seem greener. My jaw felt loose. He looked good in it. Before I knew it, I was across the room, picking up the picture to look at it closer. He looked happy.

“My sister and I went to prom our freshman year. She was my date,” he looked at me, waiting.

“Wow,” I said. His sister, his twin. I was confused now. I took the picture and went and sat on the bed again. “You don’t look alike,” I said dumbly.

“No. I look like our mother and have our father’s eyes. She looks like Dad with Mom’s eyes.” I looked up at him and he looked nervous, but not like he was going to back down from something.

“You look hot, you know.” Relief went through him and he smiled. “Why’d you cut your hair?”

He pulled a face, “My family made me. They also made me get rid of my dresses.” There was still challenge in his attitude.

I stood back up, putting the picture on the desk before reaching for his hand. He placed his hand in mine and I pulled him up. “Touru, I love you, and if you like to wear dresses or whatever, then that’s fine. It’s you I like, not what you wear.” His eyes were intense on me. “I want you to be who you are, Touru. I want you to be happy. And, you really do look hot in that dress.”

He tipped his head, “It doesn’t bother you?”

I pulled him closer, wrapping my arms around his waist, “Touru, I want you to be happy. You look happy in a dress. So, that’s just clothes, it’s not who you are. If you wanted to wear a kimono or something, that’d be fine, too. Hell, you can wear whatever you want. It’s you I love, not your clothes. And,” I grinned at him, “Dad likes to dress up sometimes. It’s not a big deal.” I got an idea, “Hey, you wanna go to prom with me? I’m sure Mom or Mama would love to take you shopping.”

~*~*~*~Touru

Oh, gods, could this get any better? I was glad he was holding me or I would have fallen. “You mean it?”

“Yeah, I mean it. What do you say?”

I felt my cheeks go warm and I laid my forehead on his shoulder and nodded. I then straightened up. “I would be honored to be your date to prom.”

His hand went into my hair and he kissed me lightly several times. My arms went around his neck and I pressed his lips to mine more firmly. He tightened his hold on me and I reached out with my tongue for his mouth only to find his tongue seeking mine. Our tongues slipped over each other and it felt so incredible. He sucked a little, drawing our tongues into his mouth, trapping my tongue between his teeth gently while his tongue continued to massage it. I moaned freely into our kiss, pressing closer to him. He released my tongue and I whimpered as he used his tongue to guide it back into my mouth, caressing it before he separated our mouths. He was panting hard, “Not on the second date, Touru. And, Mom’s waiting for us.” He held me a long moment and I could feel the beginnings of his arousal pressing against me. I was starting to get hard too. He slowly pulled away from me, kissing my forehead before he fully let me go. “I love you so much, Touru,” he said, his hands on my shoulders, his eyes serious. “I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never needed someone so much.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not a virgin, Touru. I’ve slept with three girls, but I didn’t feel for any of them the way I do for you. I want us to have the best first time together. I want to have hours and hours to be with you, not some quickie. I want you to remember your first time as being wonderful. I didn’t care if they remembered, y’know? I just wanted to get off with them. I want you to enjoy it, to remember.” He closed his eyes, breathing deeply again, “I love you so very much, Touru. Let me take my time with you?”

Very softly, I quoted, “For who would bear the whips and scorns of time…when he himself his own quietus make…” He looked at me puzzled. I smiled a little, “From Hamlet. It means, basically, who would put up with things the way they are when they could make them the way they want them to be. It’s what I was writing, what I was working on this morning and just now. Our relationship is about what we want it to be, Shidou, not what we think it should be, right?”

His face relaxed into a grin, “Yeah, it is. It’s what we want to do. You’re right.” He hugged me, kissing my cheek before pulling away, “Let’s go or Mom’ll worry and call me.”

I looked at the picture of my sister and me and smiled. I felt that she was happy for me. I must have been looking at it longer than I thought, though. Shidou took my hand gently and when I looked at him, he asked, “Are you ready, dreamer?”

I looked back at the picture and nodded. He guided me out of the room slowly and let me lock the door before reclaiming my hand. We managed to avoid the landlord on the way out, for which I was very grateful. I was too happy to deal with him just now. Shidou opened my door for me and went around to his side. He insisted on driving with both hands, so I watched him while we went back to his home.

~*~*~*~Shidou

When we turned the corner to my place, I asked softly, “Touru?”

“Yeah?”

“This is probably a weird question, but did you ever want to be a girl?” I held my breath, hoping he wouldn’t be upset by the question.

“No,” he laughed and I breathed again. “Thalia and I talked about it a couple of times. I just like dresses and longer hair. I don’t want to be a girl.”

I parked and grinned at him, “It would have been okay either way, y’know.”

“I know,” he replied calmly, as if he knew it would have taken me a little time to get used to him wanting to be a girl. “It’s a logical question,” he grinned at me and took my hand before I could move to leave the car. “It’s better to ask, right?”

I squeezed his hand, “Yeah.” I brought his hand to my lips again. Yes, silly romantic gesture, but I liked it. “You seem a lot more sure now.”

He leaned against the seat, relaxing. “I had a conversation with Thalia in the shower.” He looked at me. I was curious, a little confused. “She believed in chakras and things like that. So, I just imagined she was there to talk to. She wants me to be happy, Shidou, that’s always what we’ve wanted for each other. If I let myself be happy, then she can be at peace.”

I squeezed his hand, “Sounds like a good conversation. I’m glad you think she’d approve of me.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek, “I know the door works now, but will you let me get it?”

He nodded, “I like gentlemen.”

I grinned at him, “Mom’ll be glad. She worked hard to make me one.”

He laughed and I got out of the car, letting him out and we walked hand in hand to have lunch with Mom.