Better Than Burroughs

One Week Later

Marina

Sitting on the couch, I have no idea what to do with myself. I’m so completely bored and it‘s only ten in the morning. Felix is at work. Emma is with god knows who, doing god knows what. And I realize that I don’t really have a whole bunch of people that I spend time with. I know other people, just no one else well enough to call on for no reason. There’s some art show tonight that Felix and I are attending. I don’t know anyone in it but Felix does. Things have been strange with Felix. He’s been distant lately and he wouldn’t tell me what all the drama was about between he and Callum. It was over a week ago and I haven’t seen Callum since. I think he’s been avoiding me. Either that, or he’s been avoiding Felix. Or maybe both of us.

Lately I’ve been thinking about Callum a lot, which is wrong. I feel guilty just thinking about the guy. It’s not me. It’s Callum. He’s just so damn…I don’t know. But something about him is just so passionate and I feel like just having the guy enter my thoughts is cheating. Which is a subject I’m beginning to wish I knew nothing about. According to Emma, Felix dropped her off after the movie and as far as she knew, he was going home. One would think that if he had gone home, he would have noticed my absence and called me. I don’t know what to think but I can’t help thinking that he was with whoever that woman was on the phone. I feel used and disgusting just at the possibility that he’s been with another woman before coming home to me. If he is, why not just break it off with me? I think I would have much rather preferred that.

I’ve been watching Felix. Waiting for him to mess up so I’ll know for a fact. This not knowing is terrible. At this point, I’ve thought about it so much, I almost hope that he is. That way I wouldn’t have to look at how ridiculous I’ve been. Really, the fact that he eats breath mints constantly is the only odd thing about him, other than the long hours at work.

Turning the TV off, I again think of Callum. I wonder if he continued watching X Files after I fell asleep. The thought amuses me. Callum just doesn’t seem natural sitting in front of a TV screen. I need a job. Emma told me of a position available at some animal hospital. It’s just a counter job, but I’d be working with animals without having to wash them. Anyway, I have an interview on Sunday, but that doesn’t really give me something to do today.

Naked Lunch is sitting on the coffee table. I keep telling myself to give it back to Callum since I didn’t pay for it, but I haven’t been able to drag myself there. It just seems like a stupid reason to stop by, like he’d know. What would he know though? That would be the only reason for my stopping by. Well I could ask why his store has such a boring name. I would have though that he would have been able to come up with something better than Book Store. Although now that I think of it, it’s sort of genius. Why waste time trying to think of a unique name when you can just call it what it is? No pretenses. Just like Callum. Oh god. I need to find something to do.

I think about calling mom, but I really don’t think I’m that desperate. Why torture myself? Besides, all of our talks run the same way and I could just as easily talk to myself for a few minutes. Although I’m starting to think that maybe I do need to get a check-up. I haven’t seen a doctor in awhile and my migraines are only getting worse. I should call her.

Callum

“So what’s the score?” I finally ask. Felix needs to stop beating around the bloody bush and just get this over with. I called him up to apologize for being such a git last week. I was an absolute bastard and he was only partly to blame. I can’t stick it all on him. I just fucking lost it when he showed up that morning for a chat. He had no fucking clue that Marina never went home, let alone that she was upstairs sleeping. And when I told him, he was so damn flippant about the whole affair. I’m gasping to just touch the woman and he doesn’t have a care in the world.

“I don’t know what to do Cal,” Felix says and I admit, he looks pretty fucking torn about it. I toss him a beer and decide to forego the beer myself. He throws himself down on my couch and I wince as his shoes are brought up to rest on the cushion. Smacking his legs off, I sit next to him and wait.

“Marina’s great. I mean…she’s great. But...”

I cough into my hand. I’m not a damn couples therapist. I don’t know if I want to know this. If the problem is sexual, I think I may vomit. I try and relax my jaw, but it proves futile when it just reclenches a moment later.

“What would you do?” he asks, looking over at me with an open face. What was his question? Do about what? I missed something. Fuck. I need to work on this listening problem I’ve been having.

“If you’re not happy, get out.” I try to keep it simple. I don’t want it to be my advice that breaks the two apart. Like fuck if it’s my fault he breaks her heart. Her heart’s not in them enough anyhow. She’d be fine. Maybe I just want her to be fine.

“It’s not that I’m not happy. I’m happy. Everything is going great with Marina. There are some other things that just aren’t…mixing well I guess.”

What the hell is he talking about? I keep my face neutral but my neck starts to hurt from the tension. “What? The sideline tart isn’t satisfied?” I’m just having a laugh but I don’t completely think I’m wrong.

“Thanks for the help Cal,” he snorts, dismissing my question. He doesn’t deny it. I’ll fucking kill him if he’s cheating. I’m not going to lie to myself and pretend that the actual cheating would upset me. If he had just told me to begin with, I’d feel no guilt over wooing his lady. I could have gotten her out of my bloody system ages ago. I hope to Christ that’s all I need to do to get her out of there. I’ve built her up too much. She couldn’t possibly meet my expectations. I’d fuck her, hell maybe three times, and be over it. It could also go the other direction. I could fuck her once and want to marry the bird. What’s Felix saying?

“You’re going man. Don’t worry, there’ll be alcohol.”

Another party. I hate parties. If I want to get drunk, I’ll go to a damn bar.

“One of her paintings is up for some prize. She’ll go fucking crazy if she wins,” Felix says, adding in a wink.

“What are you going on about?” I ask.

“Ashley Walker. You remember her. She was the one at that New Years party last year. She got drunk and tried to swing on the chandelier. I think you took her home,” he says, lifting his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. I did not take that girl home. I pushed her in a taxi and that was the extent of my involvement with her. One night stands are great, but not with lunatics.

“I didn’t touch the girl.” Felix doesn’t believe me but I don’t give a toss. I have no desire to go to this girl’s art show. How cute. I don’t fucking think so. It’s raining again and I feel no desire to get wet tonight. Felix is talking again and I haven’t been listening. I must be the worst fucking mate on the planet. Well not yet.

“Marina’s going. At least one of us can have some fun though,” he says with a great big laugh.

“The poor girl isn’t a damn burden for fucksake!”

I said that out loud. My head hurts. Shit. Felix looks like I was speaking in tongues. Wait, was I? No, I wasn’t. I wasn’t nearly worked up enough to kick English. I know what he’s talking about now. I got some invitation last week for some exhibition. I had no idea who sent it or why. I guess I know now . I seem to remember my telling Ashley that I would go see her work if she ever had it up. So I’ll go. But I will not shave for this event and I sure as fuck won’t dress up.

That Night

Hours later and I’m freezing. My fucking balls are probably blue. Maybe a nice shade of purple. Where the hell is that damn bastard? I’ve been standing out in the damn rain for five minutes. Five bloody long minutes. I could go inside and wait, but I want him to feel good and guilty. I’m a manipulative wanker. There’s also the awning that’s keeping the rain from soaking through my suit, I’m not exactly wet. But it’s still fucking cold and my nipples are struggling.

It’s almost eight o’clock. This thing is supposed to start at eight and I do not want to be late. I expect there to be champagne. Not my drink of choice, but it’ll do, not that I even have a drink of choice. Why did I agree to taking a ride from them? I could have called a cab and avoided this whole mess.

About fucking time. Felix’s disgustingly well-kept SUV comes into view and pulls into the lot. I wretch the door open, muttering, “Bout bloody time, my left tit has been lost to frostbite!”

Fucking arsehole. Marina’s at the wheel. A quick look at the back seat confirms that Felix is not in attendance. Party of two. Where the hell is Felix? He made such a fuss about my going and now he’s not in attendance? Well there was also the call I got from Holly. She’s back in town and insisted that I be at the show. I let her convince me, not telling her that I had already decided to go. I’ve become her good old fashioned no strings attacked rough fuck in a restaurant restroom. I haven’t seen her in months and I had forgotten all about her until she called.

“Sorry. Felix isn’t feeling well. It took me a few extra minutes,” she says. I worry that she reads minds when she smirks lightly.

“I hope that he makes a speedy recovery,” she adds, motioning towards my chest. I don’t answer. He will damn well not make a speedy recovery. I climb in the car and slam the door with a little more force than necessary. She noticed. And she’s wearing that damned red coat again. Does she not own any more coats? What female only owns one damn coat? What the hell did I do to deserve this shite? She pulls out of the lot quietly and I’m such a cunt that I don’t say anything.

“What’s wrong with Felix?” I ask as politely as possible. She smiles without turning to look at me and I feel such a wave of acceptance that I’m momentarily dizzy.

“His stomach is bothering him. I didn’t want to go without him but he insisted,” she frowns when she answers and I wish I had never asked. She’s says it as if she expects me to condemn her for not staying home with the guy. She’s on the defense and I keep my mouth shut.

The rest of the ride is made in silence. It’s too quiet for me, but I have to bear it. I tried turning the radio on but was immediately assaulted by some baboon rapping about his bitches and whores. Most of the women I’ve known would not take kindly to being called such things. Marina looks…well great is the only word that comes to mind. It doesn’t seem to be prolific enough but what does it matter? I’m not saying a word about it. I don’t compliment her if I can help it. Best to be an ass in these situations. What exactly is my situation and why is being a bastard best? Fuck this.

I spend most of my time trying not to look at her for too long. Not to stare. She’s wearing this light purple dress under the coat and the hem rode up when she sat down. Her thighs…she stops the car before I can finish my thought and I can’t stop my relieved sigh. Thank Gandhi.

The gallery is too bright. Blazing white walls with lights everywhere. Like a damned hospital. It looks too clean, like it’s trying to hide something. It’s huge, with two levels. The first being devoted to two dimensional work and the second being meant for three dimensional. I get this from a small sign posted on the glass doors.

I hold the door open and Marina walks in and I really notice her and wish I had walked in first. Maybe if I had I wouldn’t have taken her in. She looks like the fucking first lady. All innocent and covered up. Her dress falls to mid-thigh and the neckline is kept high. She’s wearing flats and I tower over her even more than usual. She must be 5’7”. Her sense of dress astounds me. This is not what I expected. I start picturing her in a library and I react in the most damning of ways. I wish her hair wasn’t pulled up, it only adds to the image. Besides, I already find the neck to be entirely sensual, this librarian idea is only making it worse.

It seems like it only takes two minutes for Holly to hunt me down. Glitter is everywhere. She hugs me and glitter gets all over my jacket. Fuck. I try and brush some off but it’s like cat hair. Maybe if it weren’t for the glitter I’d find her more appealing, but I probably wouldn’t. Not that it matters. I’m just not in the mood to placate her tonight and I think about being rude. Marina leaves my side and I lose sight of her. The gallery is packed and I’m surprised at the turnout. It’s just a clump of local work and judging by the looks of some of these paintings, it’s not a very talented clump. Art is in the eye of the beholder they say. The beholders must have shite taste.

“Mmmmm…I like this look,” Holly purrs, her hands run down my chest and over my shoulders underneath my jacket. This isn’t a new look. I shaved. That’s about as new as it gets. I wasn’t going to but I ended up doing it anyway. I don’t even know how it happened. One second I was reading and the next I had a bald face. It was getting near time anyhow. I hate beards. Too fucking much upkeep.

“Where’s Ashley?” I ask, placing my hands over Holly’s arms and pulling them off my chest.

“Oh somewhere,” she says flippantly. I kiss her cheek and tell her I’ll catch up with her later. I’m not going to though. She knows that. She smiles all the same. Holly is one of those ‘easy to keep happy’ types. She doesn’t mind empty promises. She likes pretty words.

I find Ashley easily enough, standing in front of her painting. She spends the next ten minutes explaining the emotional meaning. It’s complete bullocks. She really buys into the shit she’s saying. She’ll lose interest in painting in a month and move on to something else. There isn’t one iota of emotion in the thing and I wish she hadn’t wasted perfectly good paint.

After wandering around and checking out what the gallery has to offer, I get bored. There were a few things worth looking at but for the most part it’s all bullshit. A lot of pretty colors and fancy footwork but nothing emotional. I’ve been nursing the same drink that I’ve had since arriving and I’m starving. I should have eaten before I came. None of the food present looks appealing. It’s all finger foods and tiny sandwiches. I haven’t seen Marina once and I’m beginning to worry. I break out of the building and step out onto the sidewalk, breathing in the fresh air. It’s still raining but I don’t give a toss. At this point, I welcome the change. It’s too stuffy in that place. I feel so utterly out of place among all the ties and pearls.

Sitting on a low wall surrounding some well-manicured flowers, I crack my neck and rest my arms on my knees. My feet are getting hit by a few rain drops but that’s it. I’m mostly protected by the building. ‘Mercy Seat’is playing in my head, when’s the last time I listened to that? Too fucking long. I enjoy the external silence until someone’s hand slaps down on my back.

“Cal man! Where ya been?!”

Looking up, I recognize Jared. Not a bad guy. Not the best, but I can stand his company. I move over to give him room and he sits beside me, beer in hand. I think about asking him where he got it but I never end up vocalizing my query.

“What’s with the neo-Nazi look?” I ask, noticing his bald head and clunky black boots.

“Ahhh Cindy man. She likes it. What am I gonna do?”

I smile. Good to know some relationships manage. Those two have been together for years. How it works I have no fucking clue. But it does. They fight constantly. Make-up sex must be what saves them. We settle into a comfortable talk. I ask about Cindy and he asks about the store.

“Oh before I forget. I saw Marina. I’m supposed to tell you she left.”

“When?”

“I don’t know, a while ago,” he says. I have no idea what that means to him. Everyone has a different view of time. So she took off. Nice. She was my ride.

“Did she say why?”

“Something about Felix. They still together? I thought they were over with months ago,” he says, surprise lacing his voice. He piques my interest.

“Why do you say that?” I ask, knowing I shouldn’t.

“Cindy mentioned something about seeing him with some other chick. It must have been a mistake though since they’re still going strong.”

Well fuck. I know Cindy. She doesn’t make mistakes. Does Marina know her? I don’t think so. If she did, Cindy would have said something to her. I don’t think Felix even really knows Cindy. I feel tired and I want to go home and sleep. It’s raining and Marina didn’t even think to tell me she was leaving. How fucking considerate of her.

“Jared, do you have you phone with you?”

He hands it over and I call myself a cab. He waits with me until it shows up and I think I should give the guy a call. He’s not so bad.

Marina

I feel guilty that I just left without telling Callum but he seemed busy. I didn’t want to interrupt him. He was talking to Ashley and I would have felt strange just barging in on their conversation. I don’t know her that well and the only reason why I was going was because Felix was. I wanted to stay home with him, especially since he wasn’t feeling well, but he insisted I go. He said that Callum was expecting at least one of us. I lasted maybe thirty minutes at the opening before I had to leave. Felix really has me worried. He was doubled over in pain saying that his stomach was killing him. He never has stomach problems. I hope he’s better because if he’s worse I’m making him go to the doctor tomorrow. Unless he’s really worse and in that case I’m taking him to the ER. God knows what could be wrong. I’m overreacting.

Getting out of the car, I make sure to lock it and run for the front doors of the apartment complex. The rain has gotten heavier and I hold my coat over my head until I get inside. I’ve had this thing for years, a little rain won’t hurt it. Once I get to the apartment, I unlock it and walk in. All the lights are shut off and I step quietly, not wanting to wake him if he’s sleeping. Shrugging my coat off, I hang it up and make my way to the bedroom door, careful not to run in to anything. Although it seems useless to be careful when I trip over a pair of shoes in the middle of the room and I end up falling, rather ungracefully, to my hands and knees.

“Hope you got the lubricated, baby,” Felix calls out from the bedroom. The door opens, bright light spilling out, and I look up to see Felix with a towel wrapped around his waist. His jaw drops and I’m frozen to the spot. My mind completely shuts down and I can’t think. I swallow thickly and slowly get to my feet, not wanting to be on the ground in front of him. We seem to both be stuck in a sort of limbo. He doesn’t move a muscle, not even when he speaks.

“Marina…what are you doing home so early?”

What am I doing home so early? What am I doing home so early? This is what he says? This is what he decides to say to me when he obviously thought I was someone else? When he asked me if I got lubricated, what I can only assume to be, condoms? I can’t look at him anymore and drop my head. My entire head begins to pound, the migraine coming on quickly and forcefully. The only coherent thought I have is to get out of here. To leave before I start crying. I don’t want him to see me cry. Anger floods through me. Anger and resentment. I don’t even know what everything is. All I know is that I feel it all and it’s too much. I feel like a fool. I’ve spent all this time waiting around for this to happen. For me to catch him red handed. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to catch him like this. I want to go back. I wish I had never left the gallery. I wish I had never left Callum there to get his own ride. I want to be back there with Callum. I should have just never left, never have come home and stayed with Callum forever.

Suddenly all I can think about is being with Callum. That he’ll make this better. He’ll make it disappear. I know he can’t but I feel like he can right now. Since when would he be the safe bet? Felix takes a step toward me and I jump back so quickly I almost fall again.

“Don’t,” I say with so much force I know Felix is surprised. “I was worried about you so I left early,” I say flatly, feeling like a complete fool.

He’s talking but I don’t register any of it. My head hurts so badly and I can barely move without feeling dizzy. I vaguely hear him tell me that he’s sorry. That he never wanted to hurt me. Blah blah blah. I have to leave when he starts saying that it’s for the best, that he should have ended it a long time ago. Ended which one? Us or them? I don’t care enough to ask. I’m through. This is it. This is what I needed to know wasn’t it?

Slowly I turn around and walk back to the door. I feel like I’m moving in slow motion as I pull my coat down and shrug it back on. Naked Lunch catches my eye and I pick it up from the table, knowing where I’m going and not caring why. He won’t even be back yet but I’ll wait. Felix doesn’t try and physically stop me. He keeps talking but I ignore him.

The rain soaks clean through my clothing, coat and all, causing it to stick to my body. I don’t care and keep walking. I chose to walk, not wanting to have anything to do with Felix, which would include driving his car. I wrap my arms around myself, folding the book under my arms in effort to keep it dry and stare straight ahead. I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe he would do something like that. That he would cheat on me. If he didn’t want to be with me, why didn’t he just break up with me? That would have hurt much less. I wish I had never found out. It was so easy not knowing. Ignorance sometimes really is bliss. Even when I suspected, I still didn’t know.

I feel like I’m in an old John Cusack movie. Now all I need is a phone booth. My shoes slap against the sidewalk and I wonder how long it will take them to dry. It didn’t take long for water to soak through to my feet and I wish I was wearing socks. These slip on’s aren’t very thick.

Before I know it, I’m knocking on Callum’s door, bouncing on my heels while waiting for him to answer. I keep knocking even though the store is dark and I doubt he’s home. The action somehow calms me. A light turns on in the back and I can see the hazy shape of his body through the glass as he walks towards the door. The sense of relief that washes over me shocks me. It opens and I don’t even get the chance to say anything before he sweeps me inside, shutting the door behind me.

“Christ Marin, what are ye doin?” his voice is harsh, almost scolding. Too harsh and for some reason, I break down. I start crying and I can’t stop. I didn’t want to do this. Not in front of Callum. Not in front of anyone. But I can’t make myself shut up. I’m crying so hard that I don’t bother to wipe the tears away. Not that it would matter, I’m already wet.

He sighs heavily and I drop my head, not knowing what to say. I don’t want to say it out loud. Tell Callum what Felix did. I just can’t say it. And a small part of me wonders if he would even believe me. He’s Felix’s friend before he is mine. But his arm wraps around my shoulders and his body is so dry and warm that I just want to curl up inside him. He leads me over to the staircase and pulls me up the steps with him and into his flat. He leaves me standing in his living room, dripping on his hardwood floor, as he runs up the spiral stairs to his bedroom. I hear him up there, moving things around.

When he comes back, he steps in front of me, clothes in hand. He sets them down on the couch and moves around behind me. His hands come up to my shoulders as he tugs my coat off. I’m careful not to drop the book. The tears are still coming, but slightly slower. As long as I cut Felix out of my mind, I will be okay. But I know that won’t happen. Callum will want to know what happened. So I figure I should just get it over with.

“Felix wasn’t sick. I interrupted his night,” I whisper, swallowing thickly.

I can feel him freeze behind me and the silence stretches until he finally asks, “What?”

He moves around to look at me and I don’t repeat myself. Minutes drag by and I can’t bring myself to look up at him. I hold his book out to him and wait for him to take it. When he doesn’t, I look up and push it against his chest, needing him to take it from me.

He takes the book from me gently and tosses it on the couch carelessly. He picks the clothes up off the couch and lays his free hand flat against my back. He leads me into the bathroom and sets the clothes down on the sink. I keep my eyes trained on Callum and watch him turn the shower on. He messes around with the temperature for a moment before turning back to face me.

“I have to leave. This is the quickest way I know to warm up,” he says. “I’ll be back shortly.”

He hesitates in front of me, unsure of what action to take next, and it almost breaks my heart. He doesn’t ask me what I meant by telling him Felix wasn’t sick. Somehow he seems to get it. He’s being so…caring and I don’t know how to respond. I didn’t expect this. All I do is nod and watch him leave.

Before he shuts the door, he adds, “Put those on when you get out.”

With that he shuts the door. I stand in the middle of his bathroom for what seems like hours. Steam starts fogging up the large mirror and my clothes get uncomfortable. I peel them off, feeling acutely aware of my surroundings. I’m in Callum’s bathroom about to take a shower. How the hell did I get here?

The look is very light and airy and I know he couldn’t have decorated it. Not that there is much decorating. To the right there’s a shower and a rather large bathtub to the left of that. The bathtub looks more inviting than the shower but the water is already running. I don’t want to be picky and if I ended up in the bathtub I would probably never get out. The counter is black with one sink at the end. I lay my wet clothes out inside the bathtub, not wanting them to get anything wet. My shoes go in the sink.

The water is hot and I don’t lower the temperature. I force my body to get used to it and he was right, my body is warm instantly. It makes sense. I don’t feel like crying anymore. I begin going over everything in my head. Why did he always eat breath mints? He often smelled too strongly of flowers. He never wanted me. How long has Felix been cheating on me? I can’t go back there. I just can’t. I don’t want to see him ever again. I know that this is my immature side speaking, but I just wish I never had to look at him again. I know that I’ll have to. I have clothes there. Thankfully, I never really moved in all that much. Just myself and some clothes. I’ve got books, movies, and music over there obviously, along with basic living supplies. Just nothing big like furniture.

The shower is a good size and I adjust the angle of the shower head. Sliding down, I sit right underneath the spray and enjoy the feeling of the water pelting down. I love doing this. I could sleep right here. If I ever had a lot of money to throw around, I would make a shower twice the size of this, large enough for me to spread out on the floor. I’d have the water come down from the ceiling, like rain, and I would have an endless supply of hot water. I would just sleep. Forever.


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AN: I'm now...two chapters ahead so the next update should be soon. I just have to remember to post it. Sadly enough, my personal life is starting to follow Marina's footsteps in regards to the man in your life seeing someone else for the past six weeks. It's just one thing after another. Thank you to everyone's kind words regarding the death of my grandfather. It means a lot. I hope this is enjoyed. As usual, keep reading and reviewing!

Stem - That's tough to lose both grandparents in such a short time. I hope you're doing well. And everyone should love apple fritters.