The Gay Man's Matchmaker

“I can’t wait till the lights go out,” Scott whispered in my ear after we sat down in the movie theater.

We were high up top in the back, away from the most of the rest of the audience. Tommy and Lauren didn’t sit in the same row, but they refused to leave me alone with Scott after what happened the last time with Trevor. This guy didn’t seem dangerous, but these days you never knew. The date hadn’t been bad before we decided to catch the new Heath Ledger flick. Heath Ledger. Mmm. Now THAT would be an awesome date. But back to Scott.

He was a cute blonde with short hair and deep brown eyes. Lauren and Tommy had met him at Kelly’s and decided he would be perfect for their final attempt at matchmaking without my involvement. And it seemed to be a good shot so far. Dinner had been normal. We’d even gone back to the steakhouse, and this time the waiter was very cordial. He even smiled at us when he served us, making me relatively sure that no human feces had been added to my beloved slab of meat.

Scott was the bartender at Kelly’s, and Lauren had apparently struck up a conversation with him after she and Tommy “interviewed” and rejected six more candidates. (I feel like a medieval damsel waiting for her brother to arrange a match. Prick that he is.) Lauren had told me that she’d asked him for help in finding a “nice guy” for her friend. What led to Scott applying for the position himself? Lauren wouldn’t say, but the way Scott leaned into me in the movie theater seats, I can only guess she’d “talked me up” to him and he liked what he’d heard … and then saw.

Now, I’m not an egotist, and the fact that a hot guy like Scott finds me attractive is a potent boost to my self confidence. Despite what Tommy said, I’m no slut. Yeah, I’ve had my share of dates, but they were fewer and further between than he’d apparently led Lauren to believe. So, when a guy like Scott opts to go out with me instead of steering Lauren and Tommy to other guys, I can’t help the good mood that leads me to. The lights dimmed on that thought and the movie started.

I was getting into the beginning of the film, which was setting up Heath Ledger and Matt Damon as the Brothers Grimm. Suddenly Scott’s arm snaked around my waist and he buried his face in my neck. His hot breath almost made me groan out loud and the tip of his tongue began to probe my ear.

What the fuck?! Not that I’m really complaining, but I thought Lauren and Tommy wanted to find me a relationship, not another one-night-stand. A thought suddenly occurred to me. Did they inform Scott that’s what they were up to? Oh, crap! Before I could continue my thought process, Scott’s other arm came forward and his palm cupped the front of my jeans. I tried to bite down on my lower lip but couldn’t hold back the soft moan that briefly escaped.

“Shhh,” he admonished me in a whisper. “We have to be very quiet.”

“But …”

“Shhh,” he said again before he covered my lips with his thrusting his tongue inside.

He tasted of beer and the mint he’d eaten as we’d left the restaurant. He was also silently screaming “one-night-stand man” as he explored my mouth hungrily. You know? What the fuck?! I decided to let him have his way … as long as he had a condom, though. No way do I want any STDs from his previous adventures with any of his former skanks. As he lowered himself down my chest and began to undo my fly, it was clear what he wanted … and that I would be ruining Tommy’s plan by going with them on their next trip to Kelly’s. This last part brought a smirk to my lips as I fought to stifle my moaning.

------------------------------------

“I’m surprised Scott called it an early night,” Tommy murmured as the three of us settled into the living room with a few beers and the remote control.

“I don’t see why,” I replied.

“He seemed very into you,” Lauren chimed in.

“Yeah,” I laughed. “He did, didn’t he?”

Tommy slanted me a scowl before he sat up and pointed at me accusingly.

“You know something!”

Oh, I know lots of somethings, Tommy boy! I just shrugged and swallowed some more beer.

“Spill it, Kee!”

“I already did earlier!” I growled back at him. “I’m not multi-orgasmic, you know! A guy needs to recoup before another round.”

“What?!” they both shouted, him in outrage, her in disbelief.

“What do you mean, ‘what’?” I asked calmly.

“What, as in what the fuck are you trying to tell us?” Tommy clarified, his face noticeably paled from shock.

I wanted to draw out the suspense. Really, it would be the least I could do to him. But Lauren’s stricken look got to me, so I decided to lay my cards on the table, so to speak.

“He only wanted a one-time fling,” I explained casually.

“But … we were in a public place,” Lauren gasped. “How …” she trailed off and looked at Tommy in absolute horror.

He in turn looked thunderous. “Kee!”

“What did you expect me to do?” I shrieked like the petulant child I act like most of the time. “He didn’t exactly ask for permission before he started.”

“You didn’t have to … let him continue!”

The expression on his face was incredibly funny to me, but I still managed to keep from breaking into hysterical laughter. He looked like a father trying to reel in his horny teenager: which was me, I guess.

“I figured it wouldn’t hurt as long as I made him use protection,” I argued innocently. “After all, you were the one who reminded me how long I’ve been without a relationship.”

“A relationship!” he barked. “I said you need a relationship, not a lay!”

“Well, I thought it would tide me over until I found one of those.”

“How did you … keep it … quiet?” Lauren asked meekly.

“Don’t you dare answer that!” Tommy exploded. “I don’t want to know! And she doesn’t need to know!”

“She might find it … useful,” I shrugged.

“Kee!”

“Okay!” I yell back at him.

Tommy stewed angrily in his seat on the couch beside Lauren, who still looked shell-shocked.

“I thought he understood we wanted a relationship-kind of guy,” she said morosely as she stared at her beer can. “I told him I wanted to set my friend up with someone nice.”

“Well, he was,” I said. Tommy glowered at me so I rushed to clarify what I meant. “Nice, I mean. He was nice. He was also interesting and made good conversation. He just … doesn’t want to be tied into a relationship.”

“Is that what he said?” Lauren asked.

I nodded. Scott had said that when we were finished. And I wasn’t upset about it. Maybe a little disappointed because he seemed like someone I could build a rapport with, but not upset.

“Well, this sucks!” Tommy hissed popping the top on another beer can.

“I admit I’m disappointed,” Lauren replied. “But at least he didn’t try to hurt Kee.”

“Yeah, but now Kee’s going to sabotage us.”

Uh, excuse me! Still here, fucker! He damn well knew I hated to be ignored while other people talk about me. I hate him sometimes. Well, these days pretty much all the fucking time!

“How bad can he be with us there?” Lauren asked.

“You’ll see!” he sighed.

“Uh, excuse me! I’m still here, guys.”

They gave me a cursory glance. Lauren looked like she wanted to apologize, but my best friend, the guy I grew up with and ate bugs with when I was a kid (hey, we were trying out survival tactics we’d read), looked unimpressed. He was likely weighing his chances of finding appropriate candidates before I’d have the chance to run them the fuck off. (Just in case you haven’t guessed yet, his chances were shit!)

“You should give us another try,” Tommy finally grunted.

“Oh, sure,” I sneered sarcastically. “Why not? The others have been fabulous!”

“They weren’t all that bad!”

“You set me up with the village idiot, an S&M freak and the town whore,” I huffed, crossing my arms. “With friends like you who the fuck can afford enemies?”

Lauren leaned toward me entreatingly as she gauged my reaction.

“Kee, we really only have your best interests at heart,” she said.

Oh fuck! The guilt trip! It’s like my kryptonite! Tommy knew it, too, and he watched me with a smug little grin that made me want to rip his arms off again.

“I’m still going with you!” I said.

She nodded.

“Fine,” Tommy replied. “But we’re not giving up until you have someone. A good someone!”

We sized each other up as Lauren glanced between us.

“Fine,” I shrugged. “At least I’m finally getting laid again.”

“Kee!”