You Don't Know Me

“Damn it,” Marcus mumbled to himself in his car, pulling his ski cap down to cover his head more. His heater had decided to stop working that morning, but in the sunshine, it hadn’t felt as bad. It was now after six, and he was just getting out of work after the sun had set. And it was freaking cold in the car.

Playing with the radio, it dawned on Marcus that this was the first time since the night before that he had not thought of Michelle. “Guess my heater going to hell is a blessing in disguise,” he thought sarcastically to himself. From when he had arrived at Michelle’s house, to when he helped her in and tucked her into bed, fearful her parents would awake at any moment… then, on the drive home, and the many hours lying in bed, contemplating what Michelle had drunkenly admitted… to his long day at work, hardly able to keep his mind on customers and sales. All of his time during the last eighteen hours had revolved around Michelle.

Now, here it was, six-thirty, and he was supposed to meet Peter at seven-thirty. Just enough time for a quick shower, then out again. “It’ll be worth it, though,” he thought to himself ruefully. “Even if I am exhausted.”

Parking the car, Marcus rushed into the apartment building, glad to be out of the harsh winter winds. He climbed the stairs slowly, his body tired and his mind even worse off. The last thing he expected was to see Michelle standing at his front door, staring at the fake-brass numbers.

“Hey,” he said from behind her, startling Michelle.

”Oh, hey,” she stared at the floor as she greeted Marcus. “Um, I didn’t know you were out…”

“How long have you been standing here?” Marcus asked, a small smile playing on his lips.

Looking up, Michelle was blushing. “About fifteen minutes,” she admitted. “I wanted to come by and thank you for last night, but I was really embarrassed, so I have just kind of been standing here, trying to figure out what to say…”

Studying Michelle closely, Marcus tried to figure out what she remembered from the night before. Since she had said she was coming by to ‘thank’ him, he assumed she probably didn’t remember much between leaving Sean’s apartment and Marcus settling her into her own bed. Most likely, she had no memory whatsoever of telling Marcus about her feelings for him.

“Well, I just got off work,” Marcus reached his keys towards the door handle. “Why don’t you come in for a minute?”

“Okay,” Michelle said quietly, watching Marcus unlock the door. He threw it open and moved aside to let her in first.

Michelle looked around the tidy apartment and immediately felt heat rise in her cheeks. The last time she had been there… She couldn’t even think about it too much, or she would scramble out of there.

Closing the door behind him, Marcus headed towards the kitchen. “Can I get you a soda or something?”

“No thanks,” Michelle followed him and sat down at the table. She watched as Marcus pulled off his hat, leaving his hair in disarray. His cheeks were flushed with cold as he slid out of his coat, and he looked gorgeous. “No, like I said, I just came by to say thanks. I really don’t drink much, but last night, I thought it might make me feel less uneasy…”

“It rarely actually does that,” Marcus grinned, sitting at the table across from her. “But it was no problem. I was happy to help.”

Staring at her hands, Michelle tried to gather her courage. “The truth is, I actually have, like, missing times from last night. Like, I remember you helping me in Sean’s bathroom. And I remember you taking my keys to get me in my house, and asking where my room was… but otherwise…”

“You fell asleep in the car,” Marcus said quickly, wanting to calm Michelle’s fears. “You didn’t say much in between.”

Letting out a relieved sigh, Michelle looked noticeably more relaxed. “Oh, okay,” she said softly. “Well, anyway, thanks.”

“Like I said, no problem,” Marcus smiled at her, glad to get a genuine smile in return. He glanced at his watch. “I hate to say this, but I actually have to get moving. I’m supposed to meet someone in an hour.”

“A date?” Michelle asked, and immediately felt her cheeks burning. How could she ask that? How could she have let that slip out?

“No,” Marcus replied immediately. “No, just… Well, you know that volunteer work we had to do last semester?” Michelle nodded. “Well, I was working with some younger teenagers, and I got pretty tight with this kid, Peter. So now, I try to meet up with him once a week or so.”

“That’s really sweet,” Michelle told him. “Is it like a Big Brother thing?”

Looking at Michelle for a moment silently, Marcus debated what to say in his head. “Not really,” he admitted. “I was working at a drug rehab center. Peter used to have some… issues.” Watching her face for a reaction, Marcus decided to continue. “I know you don’t know much about me, but when I was younger, I had a pretty bad drug problem – mostly cocaine. It went on for a few years, but now that I’m out of it, I really want to help kids that are going through the same thing.”

There was no way for Michelle to hide her surprise at Marcus’s admission. “I didn’t know,” she said softly. “Well, it’s good that you got out. And I think it’s terrific that you’re trying to help other people…”

”It’s not really a selfless good deed,” Marcus told her. “I hurt a lot of people when I was at my worst – the people that cared about me the most. I guess part of me is trying to make up for some of that by being there for other people in the same situation.”

Marcus was no longer looking at Michelle, but at the table. He looked completely stripped of his normal self-confidence, and seemed unusually vulnerable. “Well, I still think that what you are doing is terrific,” Michelle told him, nervously sliding her hand across the table and reaching for his. Marcus looked up at her with surprise as she continued. “And I’ll get going, so you can meet Peter. I just want you to know…”

Looking hopefully at Michelle, Marcus said nothing.

”I just want you to know I appreciate what you did for me last night.” It wasn’t near what Michelle actually wanted to say, but it was all that she could gather the courage to say right then.

Placing his other hand on top of Michelle’s, Marcus smiled at her. “I just hope we can try to be friends now,” he told her gently. “I’ve missed you – particularly the way you can take an outright compliment and twist it around to make me sound like the devil.”

Letting out a small laugh, Michelle nodded. “I’ve missed you too,” she said, biting her lip. “More than I realized.”

Marcus walked Michelle to the door, and was surprised when she leaned up to hug him. “I’m sorry,” she whispered as she pulled back. “I mean, I’m sorry about… what happened between us. You’ve always been really great. I’m the one that…”

Leaning over, Marcus kissed cheek, and pulled back quickly, so she wouldn’t think he was hitting on her. “It’s all better,” he told her with a grin. “We can forget everything, and just try being friends.”

”I’d like that,” Michelle replied warmly. “And thanks… for everything.”

Nodding, Marcus didn’t say anything. He just watched as Michelle walked down the hall and to the stairwell, until she was out of his view. Closing the door, he shook his head. “Always have to make your life difficult, don’t you, Marcus?” he asked himself with a chuckle as he headed towards the shower.

-----
“Hi, mind if I join you?” Janette said to Marcus. He was sitting at a table in the café reading later that week.

“Please do,” he smiled warmly at her. “How have you been lately? I’ve haven’t seen much of you outside of class in a while.”

Shrugging, Janette sat down. “I’ve been busy,” she told him. “And also, you know, I wanted to give you some space - let you know that I’m really okay with what happened between us. I mean, just being friends still...” She was blushing by now.

“I’m glad to hear that,” Marcus gave her a smile and looked into her nervous hazel eyes. “I would have hated if anything… you know, if it meant we weren’t able to hang out and skate or grab a bite.”

Nodding, Janette looked much more comfortable. “Me too,” she agreed. “So are you reading something for a class?”

“Nah,” he grinned. “Just for fun.”

“I told you when I first met you that you were a nerd,” Janette laughed. “Well, do you have a class or work now? I’m in the mood for real food – like from a restaurant. I am so over the crap they sell here.”

“Actually, I have then next few hours free before work,” Marcus grinned. “Let’s ditch this place and hit a diner.”

Standing up, Janette nodded. “That sounds great, Marcus,” she smiled sincerely. As he watched Janette pull on her hat and scarf and walk in front of him, Marcus felt good. This wasn’t an act; Janette really was okay with him. And he also felt like things with Michelle might finally be coming around. All in all, he felt pretty lucky.

-----

Spring Break couldn’t arrive soon enough for Marcus. Balancing school, work, time with his mother, time with Peter, and any semblance of a social life, left him feeling exhausted. It was still cold on Long Island in March, but both Troy and Brigitte were coming home for the week instead of going to Florida or the Bahamas with friends from school. The threesome, while doing well individually, missed being together.

“Still the most predictable person on the planet!” Brigitte yelped, throwing her arms around Marcus from behind. He was sitting with Michelle at the school after their last class before break. Feeling a thump in her chest, Michelle suddenly remembered who this lively, attractive redhead was – just a friend.

Standing up and sweeping Brigitte into his arms, Marcus laughed. “I thought you were arriving tomorrow,” he told her as he pulled back.

“I ditched,” Brigitte said, shrugging. “There was nothing I’m missing that I can’t make up in a week. I got Troy to leave early, too. He’ll be here by dinnertime. So stop being an ass and introduce me to your friend.”

Looking over like he had forgotten that Michelle was there, Marcus apologized. “Michelle, this is my pain-in-the-ass friend Brigitte. Brigitte, this is, well, my pain-in-the-ass friend Michelle.” Both girls rolled their eyes at Marcus while he laughed.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’re the innocent bystander in all of this,” Michelle said with a smirk. “Anyway, it’s nice to meet you.”

“You, too,” Brigitte gave Michelle a wide grin, and then turned her attention back to Marcus. “So, do you have to work tonight or anything?”

Looking over towards Michelle quickly, Marcus shook his head. “No, but I had plans to see a movie with Michelle and a couple people…”

“Don’t worry about it,” Michelle said, waving her hand dismissively. “Your friends are in town. Hang out with them.”

“Well, obviously you’re a friend, too – unless you’re more than a…” Brigitte had to bite back a laugh when she saw Michelle look at the ground and blush, and Marcus shoot her hard looks about the comment. Obviously, the question was there, but was not being dealt with at the moment. “Well, friends, shmends. Let’s all do something tonight.”

Nervously looking up at Marcus to see how he felt about this, Michelle was relieved to see him smiling widely at her. “You okay with that?” he asked sweetly, and Michelle nodded.

“I’ll call Tony and Sean-” she started to say, but Brigitte squealed.

“Oh, they’re still together? That’s so awesome,” she grinned, her bright green eyes twinkling. “Yeah, please, call them and make them come. I had so much fun the last time we hung out with them.”

Michelle watched as Marcus’s outgoing and animated best friend sat down to join them. While Michelle really liked the girl’s wit and ease, she couldn’t help but notice how she, herself, seemed exactly the opposite of this person who was so close to Marcus. She felt a lump forming in her throat, wondering if she could ever be the type of person Marcus deeply cared for, when he looked over at her with a small smile. He met her look with his gaze, and his deep blue eyes crinkled in the corners just a little, in friendship and caring. Suddenly, all Michelle’s bad thoughts faded, and she relaxed as she listened to Brigitte tell outrageous stories of the goings-on at her university.

-----

Spring Break had been amazing for Michelle. For the first time, she had felt close with a girl. Brigitte was just too easy to get along with for even Michelle to make snide comments about, despite her beautiful appearance.

And there was one night that was particularly special for Michelle. Troy, Brigitte, Tony, Sean, Marcus and Michelle had all rented movies on the last night everyone was together. They had ordered in Chinese food, hanging out at Marcus’s apartment. For the first time in her life, although Michelle wouldn’t have admitted it to anyone, she felt cool.

Everyone but she and Marcus were drinking. By the end of ‘Love Actually’ Sean and Tony were in the kitchen, making out against the fridge. Half way through ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’, Brigitte and Troy were kissing on the floor. “Should we give everyone some privacy?” Marcus asked, motioning towards the door.

Michelle nodded, nervous. She rose from the bed, reaching for her coat, but Marcus grabbed her hand. “I just thought we’d talk in the hallway,” he explained.

The next two hours were spent arguing about politics, religion and literature. They were leaned against the hall wall, sitting on the floor. As Marcus finished an impassioned speech about his opinion on gun control, Michelle broke into giggles.

“This is not exactly what I would call a laughable issue,” Marcus said, seeming annoyed. “Do I sound dumb or something?” Looking over at him, Michelle bit her lip. It was warm it the hallway, the heat from all the apartments radiating together, and Marcus had slipped off his hoodie, leaving him in just a wifebeater. He was looking at her with serious eyes, wondering about her opinion. “I’m sorry, Michelle, but I have to ask. Why are you laughing at me?”

Staring straight into those intense blue eyes, Michelle shook her head. “I wasn’t laughing at you,” she told Marcus honestly. “I was laughing at myself. At how ridiculous I am.”

Shaking his head, Marcus didn’t know how to respond. “What do you mean?” he asked softly.

Biting her lip, Michelle, thought honestly about how she should respond. What she meant was that she had pre-judged Marcus - and wrongly. He was the best looking person she had ever met, and she had been surprised at just how intelligent and heartfelt he was. But that would have been too much of an admission. “Let’s just say you surprise me sometimes,” she told him. There was no way for Michelle to hide the blush that filled her cheeks as Marcus just stared at her after her statement. He hadn’t said anything for at least a minute and a half. “What?” she finally asked, her burning cheeks pushing her words forward.

“Did you have a good time tonight?” Marcus asked suddenly, pulling his hands though his long hair. “I mean, did you enjoy yourself tonight?”

“Yes,” Michelle admitted, with uncharacteristic immediacy. “I had a wonderful time.”

“Why?”

”What?”

“Why?” Marcus repeated, hugging his drawn-up knees. “Was it because Sean was here, because he knows you so well? Or was it because Brigitte was here, and she’s just one of the coolest people in the world? Or was it… was it something else?”

“Do you want it to be something else?” Michelle’s voice was soft. Her eyes were nervous, and she was fidgeting with her hands. “I mean, I had a great time with everyone tonight,” she paused nervously. “Everyone, including you. But did you want it to be something else?”

Looking at Michelle, Marcus wasn’t sure what to say. He would be eternally grateful to Sean and Brigitte for making Michelle comfortable enough to even hang out with him, but the last few hours… they couldn’t have done that. Those hours were just him and Michelle. “What do you want me to say?” he asked nervously.

Normally, Michelle would never let someone besides Sean see her eyes glowing with tears, but for some reason, the way Marcus looked at her forced her to go on. “I know how I am, Marcus,” she said, sniffling. “Sean will tell you… I was always the biggest dork in school – and it didn’t help that my best friend was the only gay kid in our high school. But more than that… I was never pretty enough for anyone to notice. So when you started paying attention to me…”

There was a pause of silence before Marcus responded. “Michelle, I really do think you\'re amazing - and I think you\'re beautiful. But I am not going to try to compare my life with yours.” He looked at her eyes and was glad to see the ocean-color that betrayed trust in them. “And yes, I’ve been on that side of the fence – cool kid, popular kid. Hell, I was even voted into the prom court my sophomore year of high school, which was, like, unheard of for a tenth-grader. But I wasn’t even there at the dance…”

“Why not?” Michelle asked gently.

Marcus had been staring at his knees while he spoke, but he looked up suddenly at Michelle’s question. “I don’t know if I can tell you,” he responded sadly. “Not because of you… just, I was a bad person back then.”

Before he knew what had happened, Michelle reached her hand over to cradle Marcus’s cheek. “You were my first,” she said softly, pink filling her cheeks. “I would be honored if you shared something intimate with me.”

“You might not think so if you hear the truth,” Marcus told her gently, reaching up to grab her hand. “You\'re not the only one afraid to get close to people. I just hide it better.\" He paused, obviously debating whether to go on. \"The reason I’m so scared to get close to people is because I’m afraid they’ll hate me once they know my past.”

“I won’t,” Michelle told him.

”You don’t know that,” Marcus pulled Michelle’s hand to his mouth and kissed her palm. “Michelle, I was a bad person…”

Before she knew what she was doing, Michelle reached for Marcus again, pulling him into a soft kiss. Resting her forehead against his, she looked him in the eyes. “Just tell me... why didn\'t you go to prom your sophomore year?”

Pulling back, Marcus took Michelle’s hands in his. He looked her in the eyes and knew that lying would do no good; he had interest in this girl for the long haul. “Sophomore year of high school,” he told her, his voice betraying his sadness. “Sophomore year, I got my girlfriend pregnant. And then I accused her of having sex with someone else. And I claimed that guy might be the father of her baby, even though I knew that I was the only guy she had ever slept with. So I wasn’t at prom because I was out getting messed up, getting high, to forget about her…”

Trying to stifle her surprise, Michelle looked at Marcus with confusion. “But if you knew you were the father... why would you say that?”

Pulling his hands away from her, Marcus crossed his arms and buried his head in his knees. “Like I said, Michelle,” he whispered softly. “I wasn’t a good guy. I’m not sure if I am today.”

Suddenly, Michelle stood up. “Face me,” she demanded, looking at Marcus still crouched on the ground. “Stand up and face me.”

“Michelle…”

“Marcus, you were a kid then. Stand up now, be a grownup.”

It took half a minute, but Marcus slowly stood. He was leaning against the wall for support, and Michelle could see that. Slowly, she moved in front of him, facing Marcus. Taking his hands in hers, she looked him in the eyes. “You were the first man I was ever with, Marcus,” Michelle said, her eyes brimming with tears. “I didn’t even let you know beforehand, yet you were kind and gentle and sensitive. You are a good man.”

Looking down at Michelle, Marcus didn’t know what to say. “I’m sorry if I hurt you…” he finally forced out.

“Kiss me,” Michelle asked suddenly, surprising both herself and Marcus. “Just… knowing that there might not be anything else… knowing that I know what I know about you now, and what you know about me. Marcus, please, if you’ve ever wanted to kiss me, do it now.\"

Before the words finished leaving her lips, Marcus swept Michelle to him. His arms wrapped around her waist, her hands buried in his hair. Their bodies pressed closely together as Marcus gained the nerve to sweep her lips with his tongue. He was ecstatic to feel her lips part, welcoming his tongue into her mouth. He turned her body around, pressing her into the hallway wall and kissing her deeply for several minutes before pulling back. “I won’t do this wrong again…” Marcus whispered in Michelle’s ear.

“What?” Michelle asked breathlessly, with confusion.

“I won’t hurt you,” he said simply, hoping Michelle would understand.

”You didn\'t hurt me the first time,\" Michelle smiled shyly. But do you get that I’m not sure what I\'m ready for?”

“Yes,” Marcus promised, looking directly into her eyes. “I can just be your friend, Michelle, get that. Not that that is what I want, but for now…”

“For now I could just use a good friend, and you get that.”

\"Exactly,\" Marcus looked into the trusting water-colored pools. “I’m not going to tell you what I really feel for you right now, Michelle, because I’m afraid that would scare you off.”

“Yeah,” Michelle said softly. “I don\'t want you to tell me.”

Chuckling, Marcus pulled Michelle to him, hugging her close. “So what are we?” he asked gently.

“We’re friends,” Michelle pulled back to look at Marcus with a smirk. “But being as the only other real friend I’ve ever had only is interested in sleeping with guys, and therefore he and I never made out, our relationship is a new one for me…”

Pulling back but keeping his arms wrapped around her waist, Marcus looked into Michelle’s eyes. “I want to be your friend,” he told her, the sincerity obvious in his voice. “Because I don’t think you could start from any other point.”

“No,” Michelle pulled back until her body was completely free from Marcus’s touch. “I think I need some space to figure things out. But... I also think I want you here, too. Is that okay?”

Taking a step back, Marcus gave Michelle a big grin. “I’ll go to Australia if you need the space,” he told her with a smile. “If I can just be your friend, I’m all for it. But if there’s a chance for more-“

“Marcus…” Michelle said pointedly, reaching for the door handle that separated them from their group of friends. “I’ll think about things,” she told him softly. “And thanks for even giving me that opportunity.”

“Michelle,” Marcus said quickly, making her turn back to him. “Not to frighten you, but I believe we’ll be together. The day you realize I’d be more lucky to have you than you would be to have me…”

A blush crept across Michelle’s face as she shot one last glance at Marcus. “I’ll take everyone north home, you take everyone south.”

”Only if you promise to call me and hang out next weekend.”

\"Fine,” Michelle agreed with a grin. “Next Saturday.”

\"Looking forward to it,” Marcus grinned, heading into the living room to seeing who on the South Shore needed a ride home before he headed out with his big grin.