Starting Over

Catherine considered not going to lunch on Monday, but she didn’t know what else she could do. After all, she was going to run into James in rehearsal, and she would have to deal with the fact that she had ignored his calls all day Sunday eventually.

“Hey,” Catherine greeted James and Batey at their regular table. “How are you guys doing?” Her eyes stayed focused on Batey – safe, unconditional, uninvolved Batey.

“I’m well, Catherine,” Batey replied, standing up. “Actually, I was just planning on trying to sneak a cigarette in the parking lot.” He had a plate full of food in front of him, and it was obvious that he was lying. “So I’ll see you guys in a bit, okay?” He walked away as the two others stared at him.

Looking over at Catherine, James gave her a small smile. “Despite his acting abilities, he can be incredibly unsubtle when push comes to shove.” He tried to seem indifferent, but it wasn’t going over very well. “Okay, I know you went on a date with John on Saturday. So, is that why you won’t talk to me?”

Gathering all her courage, Catherine looked at James in the eye. “I did go out with John on Saturday,” she admitted. “And we had a great time. And then I went to his house yesterday morning and told him I couldn’t see him – like that – anymore.”

A big smile started to creep across James’s face, but at Catherine’s disapproving expression, he immediately stopped smiling. “So… are you mad at me?” he asked nervously.

Feeling guilt wash over her, Catherine shook her head. “No, James, you’ve been nothing but wonderful,” she told him honestly. “And I like you… a lot. I think that’s the problem.”

“I don’t think I understand,” James said, shaking his head. The more time that she spent with James, the more she noticed differences between him and Marcus. Like right now, James had a completely vulnerable expression on his face. Marcus would never have let her see him like that.

“I’m new here,” Catherine began. “And nobody here knows much about me. And I’m… okay with that.”

“We all have stuff we regret,” James explained. “I told you that first night… I told you how I was. But I’m different with you… you make me want to be different.”

Feeling tears fill her eyes, Catherine shook her head. She didn’t want to make James feel badly; he hadn’t done anything wrong. “I moved here,” she paused. “I mean my parents moved us here because a lot of shit happened in New York. Stuff I’m not ready to talk about.” She took a deep breath before continuing. “Honestly, stuff I’m not ready to talk to anyone about… including you.”

James stared at Catherine for several moments, almost too long for her to pretend she was comfortable. “Okay,” he finally said.

Looking confused, Catherine furrowed her eyebrows. “Okay what?” she asked him.

“Okay, I’ll wait,” James said simply. He took a long sip of his soda before he continued. “Catherine, as much as an ass as I’ve been to other girls…” Catherine saw him blush and was endeared to the honesty that entailed. “You are the first girl I’ve ever wanted to be with… I mean, in the long-term sense.”

Shaking her head, Catherine tried to figure out what to say. Finally she decided that the truth – abridged as it might have to be for now – was the best idea. “You’ve never had a long-term girlfriend, James, and that’s okay.” She paused momentarily. “But I was with someone for two years. Someone who, unfortunately, reminds me a lot of you.”

Apparently taken aback by this revelation, James gave her a small grin. “So you’re going to punish me for that?” he asked.

”No,” Catherine insisted. “I mean… I just think I need some time to myself.”

A smirk was forming on James’s lips. “I already said ‘okay’,” he reminded her. “It’s not such a bad thing if I take a break from women… as long as you stay honest with me, like this. Let me know when I might have a chance…”

Wanting to kiss him for his words, Catherine pushed the thought out of her head. That would be counter-productive. “So, we can be friends?” she asked softly.

Reaching across the table, James placed his hand on hers. “Absolutely,” he told her sincerely. “And when… if you’re ready for more, just let me know.”

Not knowing why she was so blessed to have guys like James and John in her life, Catherine couldn’t help but let a few tears fall. “Thanks, James. Really.”

-----

Rehearsal on Monday had been weird. John barely looked at her, and James seemed to be stumbling over his words. On Wednesday, John was slightly more friendly, and James continued to keep his distance. On Friday, when John asked Catherine to meet him and some friends at Karma after rehearsal, she was touched. James, however, seemed to be going through a more difficult time.

“So, I’m going to meet Emma, Daniel and John at Karma,” Catherine told Batey.

“I think we have plans,” James said quickly, giving Batey a hard stare. He was obviously upset that things hadn’t settled as fast as he had hoped.

“Yes, I think James and I had plans,” Batey told Catherine, raising his eyebrows to let her know he was just being supportive of his friend. “But maybe later…”

Daniel was grabbing Catherine’s hand and dragging her away. “Please come by if you have the time…” she finished as she followed her friends out.

“So, we’re not going?” Batey asked James, tying to hide the bemused smile on his face.

“No,” James said clearly. “We’re not. There are a ton of girls in this school that would fuck me tonight-”

“And not one besides Catherine that you want to be with,” Batey interrupted him with a smile. “Just give her time, James,” he advised. “I know she likes you. Just give her time to figure out other things in her life.”

-----

Karma was packed on this particular Friday. Catherine had been sitting with Daniel for some time, while John stood at the front of the room playing guitar and singing. “You like him,” Catherine nudged Daniel with her shoulder. “And he’s been looking at you all night. Go talk to him.”

“Maybe he was looking at you,” Daniel nervously replied, looking at the boy in the corner who was writing furiously in a journal. “It wouldn’t be the first time…”

“He was NOT looking at me,” Catherine told him decisively. “Just… just ask him if you can buy him a cup of coffee.”

”What if we’re wrong?” Daniel fearfully asked. “What if he’s not gay… what if he’s not looking at me?”

“If he acts weird at all,” Catherine told him. “Tell him I sent you over there. Tell him I wanted to buy him a cup of coffee.”

Looking pleased with this alternate plan, Daniel stood up. “Okay,” he smiled. “But if you have sex with him because of this, I want all the details.”

Laughing, Catherine sent Daniel to the corner. She watched John play, but out of the corner of her eye, she saw Daniel nervously approach the boy he had been checking out all night. From the delirious smile on the boy’s face, it was obvious he was much more interested in Daniel than he would ever be in Catherine.

“This seat taken?” Batey surprised Catherine as he approached her table. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you…”

“I take it James isn’t with you?” Catherine said, more as a comment than a question. “Does he hate me?” she asked quickly, picking up her empty coffee mug and pretending to drink.

“Not at all,” Batey said casually. He had a way of relaxing everyone around him. “Quite the opposite. He’s just so sure he did something wrong-”

“But he didn’t,” Catherine interrupted. “He was wonderful. It’s not him…”

“And as much as I say that, he doesn’t believe it,” Batey replied, sinking into his seat. “So let’s not dwell on that tonight. I didn’t come here to ruin your evening.”

Giving Batey a small smile, Catherine shook her head. “You could never ruin my evening, Batey,” she told him truthfully. “You’re as good friend as I’ve found since I moved here.”

”I’m glad,” Batey smiled back. “Then let’s just enjoy the night. Oh, wow, look at the hot guy that’s into Daniel…”

Glancing in their direction, Catherine giggled as she saw Daniel and the Boy with the Journal leaning into each other and laughing nervously.

-----

On Saturday morning, Catherine woke up feeling very happy. She’d had a fun time with good people the night before. Jumping out of bed, she ran downstairs and greeted her parents warmly.

“Well, aren’t you chipper today?” her father asked happily. “Big plans?”

“No plans,” Catherine grinned at him. “Actually, there’s this independent film I want to see, and I was thinking of going alone this afternoon. But it’s only playing in DC, so do you think I could borrow your car?”

“No problem,” her father replied happily, handing over his keys. “Have fun.”

Catherine quickly scanned the newspaper, looking at the times the film was playing. There was a two o’clock showing, but she hadn’t driven in DC yet, so she wanted to arrive early. “Thanks,” she told her parents as she smiled and headed upstairs to shower.

Surprisingly, it only took Catherine about ten minutes to find a parking spot. She was an hour early for the film; she’d heard that parking in Adam’s Morgan would be hell, but it hadn’t been as bad as she thought.

“So, I’ll get something to snack on first,” Catherine told herself, moving among the trendy cafes. She hadn’t gotten much of a chance to explore the Capital City yet. Looking across the street, she was amazed to see Batey sitting at an outdoor café, drinking coffee.

“That can’t be his mother,” Catherine thought to herself. “Unless she’s had massive plastic surgery.” Batey had told Catherine that he had a brother who was five years older than him who was in the Army, so the woman sitting across from him who looked in her early thirties couldn’t possibly be his mother. Catherine was about to work her way towards his table when she saw the woman – attractive, with flowing blond waves under a classic straw hat – reach over and squeeze Batey’s knee. With an overwhelming feeling that she shouldn’t be seeing what she was seeing, Catherine tried to ignore the couple. But as Batey laughed openly at something the woman said and leaned over to kiss her lips passionately, Catherine knew that she had already seen too much.

Winding her way back through the crowds, Catherine tried to get away from Batey as quickly as possible. He obviously had a side of himself he didn’t want anyone else – including Catherine – to see. She headed toward the movie theater, trying to brush away the images of what she had just seen. She would never tell Batey that she had noticed him that day…

-----


“So, how was your movie?” Batey asked as he sat down next to Catherine later that night at a table in Karma.

”Movie?” Catherine asked nervously. “What movie?”

”Well,” Batey smiled easily. “I called your house earlier to ask if you’d like to get coffee, and your mother told me you were going to a movie.”

Taking a deep gulp, Catherine tried to smile. “Yeah, I saw a movie this afternoon. It was good.”

“As good as seeing me and Lauren?” Batey asked, a smile whispering on his lips.

”So, you saw me,” Catherine guesses, looking guilty. “I didn’t mean to…” her voice trailed off.

”I know,” Batey said meaningfully. “I know you didn’t observe us on purpose.” Not knowing what to say next, Catherine picked up her coffee mug again. “Need a refill?” Batey teased, pointing at her obviously empty cup.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Catherine admitted with a rye smile.

Leaning his elbows on the table, Batey gave Catherine a look she had never seen him give before. “Would it be okay if we went somewhere to talk?” This was the first time that Catherine had seen Batey give her even the slightest sense of nervousness.

“Of course,” she rose immediately, picking up her jacket and purse. “Wherever you want.”

“Well,” Batey smiled, almost blushing. “There’s this place… I think you’ll like it.”

Catherine rode beside Batey in his car silently. As he pulled into the empty parking lot of an elementary school, she tried to hide her surprise. “So this is where we’re going?” she asked, feeling stupid already. But Batey fixed that immediately.

“Just come with me,” he asked her. Catherine climbed out of the car and followed him to the playground. As Batey seated himself against a brick wall, Catherine followed suit. She watched him for several minutes as his eyes scanned the grounds.

“This is the last school I went to where I was... innocent,” Batey admitted suddenly. Not knowing how to respond, Catherine just gazed at Batey. His eyes were fixated on the stars above. “In junior high, that innocence was lost.”

Catherine just watched Batey as he looked into the dark star-filled sky. She didn’t know what he meant, but she was sure it was important. She just wanted to give him the comfort he had given her so many times since she had moved there.

“See, Lauren, the woman you saw me with today…” Batey’s voice was lost amongst an angry chuckle. “Well, let’s just say that junior high doesn’t quite hold the same memories for me as it does for most people, if you know what I mean…”

In all honesty, Catherine shook her head. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean…” she admitted softly. As his eyes turned to hers suddenly, Catherine saw a pain in Batey she’d never noticed before. “You can tell me anything,” she promised.

Giving her a big grin, Batey laughed. “I know. I know that I’m about to tell you something that people who have been my friends for years don’t know.” As Catherine blushed, Batey grew more indignant. “No, I know I can trust you.”

Leaning back against the bricks, Batey drew his knees to his chest. “I have been seeing Lauren for four years,” he said quickly, as if forcing the words out. “She was a student of my mother’s. My mother teaches art… and I was fourteen when I first met her.” Feeling the outright honesty coming from Batey, Catherine didn’t know how to respond. “When we first met, she was twenty-eight,” he continued. “And, like most of the students that my mother invited to our house, she flirted outrageously with me. But I was just a boy… I didn’t know when lines were being crossed….”

“You love her,” Catherine stated, not meaning for the words to leave her lips, but Batey nodded.

“She was my first. She’s been my only...” He was blushing again, and Catherine felt badly for him. “She’s thirty-two now. I’ve spent my entire high school career in love with a woman nearly old enough to be my mother…” He bit his lip. “And I tried to break it off during the summer. I told her that this was my senior year, my time to have fun and experiment… but she won’t let me.”

For the first time since she had met him, Batey looked vulnerable. “Is this why you are so accepting of my unknown sins?” she asked softly.

Nodding, Batey gave Catherine a smile. “How could they compare with a four year relationship with a woman twice my age?”

“If you have to ask…” Catherine began nervously…

-----

Catherine was grabbing at her stomach during homeroom during the second semester of sophomore year. “You okay?” Marcus asked her. “You look-”

Before he could finish his sentence, Catherine rushed out of the classroom. She intended to go to the bathroom, but as soon as she saw a garbage pail, she leaned over it and began throwing up. This continued for ten minutes, until the bell for first period rang. “Are you okay?” Marcus asked nervously as he approached her. “You’ve been getting sick a lot recently.”

Not wanting to tell him that her period was almost two months late, Catherine shook her head and gave him a small smile. “Just the flu,” she lied.

But the daily game of running out of class and throwing up continued. “Are you pregnant?” Brigitte finally asked her in the girls’ room one morning.

“Yes,” Catherine said plainly to a shocked Brigitte. “Two months.”

“Oh my god,” Brigitte exclaimed. “What are you guys going to do?’

Running the cold water in the faucet, Catherine splashed her face. “He doesn’t know,” she admitted. “After everything that’s happened, I can’t tell him…”

“You have to tell him,” Brigitte admonished. “He has to know. I know that this summer sucked but… but you can’t just pretend you’re not pregnant.”

Nodding sadly, Catherine agreed. “I know. I just don’t know how…”

“Forget everything that happened with that dealer guy,” Brigitte pushed. “You only did that for him. You’ve only BEEN with him. He has to know… unless you’re planning on… you know,”

Tears were filling Catherine’s eyes. “I wish I could,” she admitted. “But I can’t. I was raised thinking it was wrong.”

“Then you have to tell Marcus,” Brigitte told her decisively “You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.”

“But we’re finally okay,” Catherine started weeping. “How do I tell him this?”

Brigitte convinced Catherine to tell Marcus the truth. The following week, she came home with him from school. As he started to advance on her as he usually did, she began to cry.

“Baby, what’s the matter?” Marcus was obviously high from hanging out with his friends the last two periods of school, but he truly looked worried. ”Can I fix it?”

“I’m…” Catherine began sobbing. “I’m… pregnant.”

To her surprise, Marcus pulled her into his arms and started running his hands though her hair. “Oh, Cath, baby,” he said. “Oh, it’ll be okay. I’m here.”

Just hearing his words made Catherine feel twenty times better than she had before. “I was afraid to tell you,” she whimpered into his chest. “I didn’t… I didn’t know how you would react.”

“Me?” Marcus asked, resting her face in his hands. “You’re the one going through it, Cath. But, don’t worry, I’m right here. I’ll get the money; we’ll take care of everything.”

”Pulling back, Catherine looked in Marcus’s face. “But I can’t… I can’t have an abortion,” she told him.

Suddenly looking angry, Marcus pulled away from her. “We don’t really have a choice, do we?” he said more as a statement than a question. “I mean, I don’t even know if it’s mine, really.”

Completely taken aback, Catherine just shook her head. “Of course it’s yours,” she said innocently. “You’re the only person I’ve ever been with.”

”You blew Phil,” Marcus replied angrily. “How do I know it’s not his?”

Feeling like she’d been punched in the face, Catherine looked into Marcus’s eyes. He couldn’t believe what he was saying; he must still be in shock. “Marcus, I only… I did what I did to Phil because you asked me to… you begged me to. You told me he would hurt you if I didn’t…”

“I didn’t say anything fucking like that,” Marcus exclaimed, pacing around the room. “Why would I tell my girlfriend to go down on someone else?”

Tears were pouring over Catherine’s cheeks. “I… you said… you said he’d kill you if you didn’t get him the money for the blow you bought.” She was hiccupping hard. “And you begged… you begged me to blow him. You said he’d wait another week. You begged me!”

“Whatever,” Marcus said dismissively, opening the front door. “You’re a slut. I want you to get the fuck out.”

Catherine grabbed her things and left. She went home, storming past her parents, and buried herself in her comforter. She was surprised when she heard her parents’ voices beckon her from the doorway. “Cat, honey,” he father said, putting his arm tightly around her mother. “Do you want to talk?

Looking up at her parents, Catherine began to wail. God, how she had let them down. She’d pushed them away so much over the past year and a half…

“I don’t know how to say this,” Catherine sobbed. “I’m… I’m pregnant.” The horrified expressions crossing her parents’ faces as they looked upon their sixteen-year-old daughter only caused Catherine to sob more. “I’m… I’m so sorry,” she begged. “So sorry.” Catherine’s parents quickly sat on either side of her, embracing her in a hug that lasted several minutes. Everyone was crying.

Finally pulling away, Catherine’s mother slid her hand under her chin. “Have you told Marcus yet?”

Bursting into harder tears, Catherine buried her head into the knees she drew up. “He… he doesn’t… he doesn’t think it’s his.” Her sobbing became uncontrollable.

Looking perplexed, Catherine’s mother shook her head. “But have you… have you had sex with anyone else?”

Shaking her head, Catherine tried to muster all her courage; she was about to tell her parents the last thing any parent could ever want to hear. ”I have only slept with Marcus,” she admitted honestly. “But… but last summer…” Again, her words dissolved into sobs.

“Catherine,” her mother coerced her. “You have to tell us…”

Sitting up straight on her bed, Catherine nodded. Staring at her feet and not daring to look at either of her parents, she began. “When I fist met Marcus, I knew he drank and smoked pot. But over the last year, he started doing that more and more.” Her sobbing began to take over, and even though her father laid a loving hand on her shoulder, it felt like a judgment. “So this past summer,” she swallowed hard. “Marcus apparently got into coke something fierce, and I ignored it.”

The expressions of dread on her parents’ faces were enough to make Catherine stop talking, but she’d gotten this far. “So, in July, we were at this party with a dealer that had supposedly fronted Marcus a lot of coke. And when he didn’t have the money to pay for it,” Catherine began sobbing again. “Marcus told him I’d… I’d go down on him if he gave him an extra week to pay. So…” Catherine was hysterically crying by now. “I’m so sorry,” she begged her parents to believe her. “I’ve never slept with anyone but Marcus, but he said how does he not know it’s the dealer’s baby…”

Pulling her into his arms, Catherine’s father was weeping, too. “It’s okay, baby,” he told her. “We’ll take care of you.”

-----

Leaning against the elementary school wall, Catherine realized she was crying hard. Batey slipped his arm around her. “It’s okay, Cath,” he told her. “It’s all over now.”

Catherine wept into Batey’s shoulder for a long time before she calmed down. “I’m sorry,” she said. “We were supposed to be talking about you.”

”Oh, no,” Batey insisted, drawing Catherine near. “We were just talking about our pasts. I feel privileged to have you tell me the truth about your past.”

“You don’t even know what happened in the end,” Catherine sniffled, trying to give Batey a small grin.

”Are you ready to tell me?” Batey asked sincerely. “Because, if you are, I will listen. But if not, I’ll still be your friend.”

Feeling liberated by telling Batey the truth, Catherine shook her head. “So Marcus kept saying he might not be the father, even though he knew he was. And so we stopped seeing each other all together. I went to a couple adoption agencies and found one I liked. People at school, particularly Marcus’s friends, were cruel, calling me a slut and a whore. But then…”

Batey wrapped his arm around Catherine as she began weeping again. “Then I had…l had… a miscarriage.” She sounded heartbroken. “I started bleeding about three months along, and by the time we got to the hospital, she was already gone.”

Leaning back against the bricks, Catherine let herself remember those hours as she hadn’t in a long time. “They told me it was a girl,” she explained. “I thought I’d be relieved… but I wasn’t. I didn’t have Marcus; I didn’t have any friends left; and I didn’t have my parents’ trust, even though I had their support.”

”That must have been so hard,” Batey interjected.

”Not as hard as when Marcus showed up at the hospital the next day,” Catherine admitted. “He just tried to pretend that he was all comforting and shit…” She sniffled and they fell into silence for several minutes.

“So I guess we’re both FUBAR’d then?” Batey finally asked with a smile.

”What does that mean?” Catherine asked, gazing at the playground where kids innocently ran around every day.

“FUBAR. It’s a military term. It means Fucked Up Beyond All Repair.”

“Yeah,” Catherine smiled through her tears. “I guess we’re FUBAR’d, Batey.”

And, as Batey wrapped his arms around her in a friendly manner, pulling her close, Catherine rested her head on his shoulder. They both had secrets. And they both felt just a little bit better tonight, having shared them with someone.