the silent screams of my life
folder
Original - Misc › Non-Fiction/True Stories/Autobiographical
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,349
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › Non-Fiction/True Stories/Autobiographical
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
5
Views:
2,349
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
this is a true story/ nonfiction, this is a work of nonfiction; permission has been obtained where possible;
the silent screams or my life, my love has gone.
If I were gone would you even care? would you sit down and cry? or would you be happier because things are easier for you now?
You may think bad of me for this next chapter but you most understand I had no one and I was not thinking straight, I pay for what I did everyday of my life so please do not condemn me as I have already condemned myself.
About a month after I moved out my parents, me and my parents were finally talking again but on shaky ground as you could imagine. One night Mr b came over he sat me down in the front room of my house and told me he had enough of my mood swings he could not take it, normally I was bad but the last couple of weeks I had been worse. I got on my knees and begged him not to leave me, it seems pathetic now but I begged. He just got up and left.
I felt alone, terrified. My whole world was empty, I sat on the floor confronted by the pills the doctor had give me, I decided to talk them all, I just wanted to be happy I didn’t want to die, I thought if one was an anti depressant then more would make me happy and as I started taking them I couldn’t stop. My house mate found me and rang the ambulance, I was in floods of tears as the connected wires to me, checking my vitals and asking me questions, I just kept saying I wanted to be happy.
While I was in hospital I found out I was pregnant! What had I done? I over dosed while I was pregnant, I felt more horrible then ever more empty then you could ever imagine, I rang my ex to tell him, and he just screamed at me down the phone telling me I had damaged the baby and he didn’t want it, that he never wanted it, that if I didn’t get rid of it he would make my life hell.
Later that night the hospital let me go home, I had no one I could ring to pick me up so I just walked, it was about 3 miles to my house and was early February, but I was so numb I couldn’t fell the cold. All I could think about was what he had said. He was right, wasn’t he? I couldn’t give birth to a baby I might have damaged, but what if this was my only chance for a baby? I didn’t know what to do.
He came to see me about a week later told me he had booked an abortion at a clinic that if I went through with it he would get back with me and we could try again properly, that he didn’t want me to take the risk that might have damaged the baby. So, I went through with it. I had my consultation, then went back the next day and they give me a small pill, then the next day another, it seemed so easy, I couldn’t see what I was doing.
About a day later I woke up those same stomach cramps I had felt so long ago feeling like it was yesterday as I ran to the toilet, I rang my ex in tears but he just told me to fuck off that he didn’t care. God what have I done? As the blood poured from my body, I felt like a murderer I still to this day feel like a murderer, it was the 14th of February 2am in the morning, a day of love and happiness, and I felt no love no happiness.
I written a letter to my ex saying sorry for everything I had done, posted it at 7 in the morning went home and took every tablet I could find, then took a knife to my wrist and cut straight down along the vain. As I lay there bleeding to death for the first time in my whole life I felt calm, when suddenly my ex banged on the door with an ambulance crew behind him, everything after that is a bit of a blur.
I woke up in hospital my ex beside me, he looked at me and said “I’m sorry but you will never get me back” and with that he left, I just looked away numb, this time I was in hospital for 18hours, they asked the same question “will you do this again” and as always I answered “no”. if I said yes then they would stop me and I didn’t want anyone to stop me.
I once again walked home alone, just to find my parents outside my house, Mr b’s mum had rang them ranting about me, I told them everything was fine, but agreed to go with them for a couple of days anyway.
They didn’t know what had happened, and I didn’t want to tell them, why would they believe me after all they didn’t believe me last time.
You may think bad of me for this next chapter but you most understand I had no one and I was not thinking straight, I pay for what I did everyday of my life so please do not condemn me as I have already condemned myself.
About a month after I moved out my parents, me and my parents were finally talking again but on shaky ground as you could imagine. One night Mr b came over he sat me down in the front room of my house and told me he had enough of my mood swings he could not take it, normally I was bad but the last couple of weeks I had been worse. I got on my knees and begged him not to leave me, it seems pathetic now but I begged. He just got up and left.
I felt alone, terrified. My whole world was empty, I sat on the floor confronted by the pills the doctor had give me, I decided to talk them all, I just wanted to be happy I didn’t want to die, I thought if one was an anti depressant then more would make me happy and as I started taking them I couldn’t stop. My house mate found me and rang the ambulance, I was in floods of tears as the connected wires to me, checking my vitals and asking me questions, I just kept saying I wanted to be happy.
While I was in hospital I found out I was pregnant! What had I done? I over dosed while I was pregnant, I felt more horrible then ever more empty then you could ever imagine, I rang my ex to tell him, and he just screamed at me down the phone telling me I had damaged the baby and he didn’t want it, that he never wanted it, that if I didn’t get rid of it he would make my life hell.
Later that night the hospital let me go home, I had no one I could ring to pick me up so I just walked, it was about 3 miles to my house and was early February, but I was so numb I couldn’t fell the cold. All I could think about was what he had said. He was right, wasn’t he? I couldn’t give birth to a baby I might have damaged, but what if this was my only chance for a baby? I didn’t know what to do.
He came to see me about a week later told me he had booked an abortion at a clinic that if I went through with it he would get back with me and we could try again properly, that he didn’t want me to take the risk that might have damaged the baby. So, I went through with it. I had my consultation, then went back the next day and they give me a small pill, then the next day another, it seemed so easy, I couldn’t see what I was doing.
About a day later I woke up those same stomach cramps I had felt so long ago feeling like it was yesterday as I ran to the toilet, I rang my ex in tears but he just told me to fuck off that he didn’t care. God what have I done? As the blood poured from my body, I felt like a murderer I still to this day feel like a murderer, it was the 14th of February 2am in the morning, a day of love and happiness, and I felt no love no happiness.
I written a letter to my ex saying sorry for everything I had done, posted it at 7 in the morning went home and took every tablet I could find, then took a knife to my wrist and cut straight down along the vain. As I lay there bleeding to death for the first time in my whole life I felt calm, when suddenly my ex banged on the door with an ambulance crew behind him, everything after that is a bit of a blur.
I woke up in hospital my ex beside me, he looked at me and said “I’m sorry but you will never get me back” and with that he left, I just looked away numb, this time I was in hospital for 18hours, they asked the same question “will you do this again” and as always I answered “no”. if I said yes then they would stop me and I didn’t want anyone to stop me.
I once again walked home alone, just to find my parents outside my house, Mr b’s mum had rang them ranting about me, I told them everything was fine, but agreed to go with them for a couple of days anyway.
They didn’t know what had happened, and I didn’t want to tell them, why would they believe me after all they didn’t believe me last time.