The Disgust in Their Voices

Realizing I was to wait an entire week felt like torture. When I arrived at home, I had gone up to my room after I told my mum I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want to eat.
‘You ate at the station,’ she stated, but I shook my head, running up two flights of stairs to my attic room.
I dropped my bag on the floor and sank down in my chair, turning on my computer. As I wait for it to start, I stare out of the window, realizing more and more what Dan had tried to do.
He had wanted to kiss me – that look in his eyes were a bit too familiar to me. He had come closer and hoped I would have kissed him. But how could he have expected me to do that! I’m his student! We hardly know each other – and, he’s a lot older than I am!
I felt how I started to cry and I began to realize how stupid I was. I was falling for him, and I couldn’t stop myself.

I saw leave the classroom just before the start of the lesson. I wondered where he would go when the class was due to start in a few minutes. But I remembered Dan was still human, and although he looked like the most divine thing in the world to me, he still was in the need for a coffee or the bathroom.
I hardly noticed the pressure in my bladder, but it was the thought of Dan taking a toilet break that made me realize I’d better go as well. I never wanted to miss a second of being in his presence and going to the restroom during his classes would ruin that need.
I didn’t realized how suspicious it would be to leave the classroom only a minute after he had, but I left in a quick pace, walking down the corridor.
Before I could reach the women’s bathroom, Dan left the men’s. Our eyes met at once and I felt my heart beat quicken. I was sure that when we would pass each other, he would be able to hear my racing heart and deep and unsteady breathing.
I really wanted to talk to him. And now, I had him alone in an empty corridor. I had to speak with him!
The moment we were about to pass each other we both stopped. Incidentally, I noticed we had reached a storage room, which was located before the restrooms.
Almost instinctively, my hand reached for the door knob. I wasn’t mistaking this door to be the women’s. I could have him alone in this room!
Our eyes never broke contact from the moment he left the restroom. Only when my hand was resting on the doorknob, we both looked down both ends of the corridor to see if we were really alone. The corridor had been empty.
Our eyes then flew back to meet each other’s as I opened the door of the storage room. I hurried inside and backed away into the room as he took three long strides and entered the room, quickly closing the door behind him.
After a long second of staring at each other, he was the first one to speak:
‘How are you doing?’ he stepped closer again.
I took a step back, still not sure of his intensions. I still had not figured him out and I could not know what he really wanted now.
‘Fine,’ I said but my throat was so dry it came out as a squawk. I tried to swallowed but my mouth was so dry that I could not wash away the lump in my throat. And why did my lips have to go dry right now as well?
‘I didn’t think you would come,’ he spoke and he began to shuffle closer to me. In response, I shuffled away. He chuckled and I didn’t speak until he added, ‘Could you please stand still for a moment?’
I didn’t know why I shied away from him like that as I would have trusted him with my life already. The corners of my mouth curled briefly, feeling amused by his humour – he could amuse me on every minute if the day- even if I was alone with him in a storage room, ready to discuss last week’s fiasco.
‘Please say something,’ he said as he stepped closer his eyebrows frowned with what seemed agony to me. I flinched, reminding myself he had asked me not to step away. Instead I stood nailed to the ground my eyes growing wider as he came closer.
‘I’m here,’ was all I could have thought to say.
He chuckled. ‘Yes I can see that,’ he replied his face smiling back at me with - what was it? Fondness?
We stared at each other for a long time until I finally found my voice again. ‘What are we going to do?’
‘What do you mean?’ he asked, his eyebrows raised by his confusion.
‘I – I don’t know what to think, you know,’ I rambled a bit. My voice was nervous and almost hysterical. ‘I mean – last week. I’ve been distressed since then!’
‘I’m sorry,’ he sighed and nodded. He turned his face away from me and his eyes were fixed on the vacuum cleaner that stood on my right. ‘I – I shouldn’t – It was wrong. I’ve been wrong.’
I was afraid he would have left so I took a step forwards. He noticed my movement but he hadn’t looked up at me. But I knew that if I wanted to keep him here I would have to tell him. The truth.
‘I like you,’ I choked out. I was surprised I managed to vomit those words since my body had been filled with anxiety.
His eyes found mine again and now I could see the confusion clearly in them. He narrowed his eyes as if he didn’t believed me.
I managed to speak again, but this time, I was more specific. ‘I –I love you,’ and this time I said it more firmer and stronger. I could only hope he would take it serious.
‘You’re so young,’ he said, his eyes still showing disbelieve.
‘I don’t care,’ I said determinately.
‘You’re a student.’
‘I’m an adult,’ I said but in fact, I didn’t know it if would be allowed. School was a different matter than university!
He was staring at me for a long time until he spoke:
‘I-I like you too.’
He never said he loved me, but this was enough. I felt light in my head and my stomach was twirling around in celebration.
I smiled weakly at him. ‘So now what?’ I asked, almost playfully.
‘I don’t know,’ Dan said and he really had seemed puzzled about this. ‘But I don’t understand why you ran off last week – if you really like me too,’
I didn’t answered him at once but I spoke shyly: ‘I’m afraid.’
‘What for?’
‘I don’t know,’ I muttered and this time my eyes had turned away from his. ‘ You’re – older. My teacher.’
‘This is not going to work,’ he sighed at once, placing his hands on his waist in distress.
‘But – ,’ I interrupted him. ‘But now I know – I don’t care.’
‘You said you were afraid right now.’
‘Aren’t you?’ I looked at him with a frown on my face. He went silent and looked at me for a long time.
‘Yes,’ he breathed.
‘It’s normal,’ I said. ‘ I suppose.’
‘But this is different,’ he said, taking two steps in my direction. I kept nailed to the ground. ‘I know, because – I just came out of a three year relationship. And – well - I’m at least 20 years older than you are.’
’23,’ I corrected him. I had done the math.
He rolled his eyes and smiled, but it was not with the same fondness as before. It was sarcastic. He shook his head slightly. It frightened me.
‘Miracles can happen,’ I said hopefully, shrugging my shoulders. I really was fearing I was going to lose this battle. ‘It’s just a number. People always say: “You are as old as you feel!”.’
‘That’s true,’ he muttered, staring at me with a blank expression. He then looked away from me again and it seemed like he was thinking. There was a long silence until he sighed: ‘We should get back to class.’
‘Then why aren’t we going?’ I asked.
‘Because I want to kiss you first,’ he said and he looked up at me.
My eyes grew bigger as he came closer, only taking two steps and he was in front of me. He stood very close, our bodies almost touching. I was impatient, but I wanted him to kiss me, so I were to be sure it was him doing this and not me.
I felt something touch my right hand and I knew it was his. Our fingers entwined and he reached up his right hand and his fingertips had ran over my cheek, crossing my jaw line and reached my neck.
Our eyes met, but not for long as we pressed our lips against each other’s.
We started gently at first, our lips brushing against each other’s. But as soon as I felt my hormones kick in, I wrapped my arms around his neck. I opened my mouth and let his warm tongue play with mine.
This couldn’t be happening! This wasn’t happening! I was kissing Dan Llewellyn! The man I had longed for and fantasized about for months! I was in his arms and our mouths were kissing. I had to be dreaming.
But I knew I wasn’t of course. If this was a dream I wouldn’t have to think of all those worries that ran through my head. But I didn’t allowed them to ruin this moment. I was too wrapped up to think about those fears yet. My head was filled with screams of celebration.
After almost a minute we broke up. I was panting and shuddering because if the experience. Kissing him had felt so good! Iit had felt so much less – clumsily- than when I had kissed lads my age!
He had been breathing heavily as well and his eyes were inspecting mine as if he wanted to see what I was thinking. If he only knew…
But he smiled and gave me a few more kisses before he spoke: ‘Now, we can go back to class.’
I grinned playfully, my hands running from his neck to his collar. ‘After you,’ I had spoken. ‘I’m a lass, I’m supposed to take long toilet breaks.’
He laughed and kissed my forehead before we parted. He left the room and I quickly went to the loo before I returned to class.
During the listening exercise he kept looking at me. I was completely disorientated so I barely passed the practice test. My thoughts kept wondering back to those few minutes in the storage room. I shook my head to myself. A storage room! Of all places!

I should have known from that point that he would affect my concentration for the rest of my schooldays that year.