Institutionalized

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When I woke the next morning, I was disorientated again; but slowly the night before came back to me. I was bewildered by the conversations I’d had with both Don and Jacqueline. I still couldn’t believe how unprofessional it had all seemed and how easily I had gone along with everything.

I sat up slowly in bed, still wearing the clothes Don had leant me the previous night. After I’d found my bed last night, I collapsed and slept like a rock. Now I realized I was alone, but the door was wide open, and a ton of noise was coming from down the hallway.

I got out of bed and grabbed my new clothes; plain white pants, shirt, boxers and socks. While I usually prefer black I sucked it up and entered the washroom. This was my first time checking out my shared facilities and I wasn’t really impressed, not that I’d expected much better.

The washroom was small, and white. White tiles, white sink, white shower, white shower curtain, blinding white fluorescent light; no window. There was a shined up piece of metal that served as a mirror. It was pretty good too, only a little bit distorted. There was a small basket beside the sink with a toothbrush and toothpaste, a comb, some cream, soap, shampoo, a razor and a small emery board in it.

My attention instantly went back to the razor, which seemed so out of place. There was no way in hell they give out razors to mental patients. I felt the sudden urge to grab the razor and hide it, but I knew it was my roommates, and no matter how bad I got the itch, I wouldn’t steal it.

I did however grab the shampoo and soap and set it on the side of the shower. I stripped my clothes and turned the water on. When I realized it was never going to get any warmer than just above freezing I stepped into the cold water, washing my hair and body as quick as possible.

I was shivering when it was over and done with, and standing without a towel. I grabbed the only one in the room (still damp from my roommates shower, presumably) and started to dry myself off.

I got dressed quickly, struggling slightly with the pants which tied at the sides instead of having a zipper, and the t-shirt that had no stretch whatsoever and felt tight across my chest and shoulders. I ripped the cuffs off my socks, slipping them over my wrists (I never did like short sleeves) and putting the remainder of my socks on my feet.

I shook my hair out, not bothering to see how it looked in the mirror, as I dumped the soap and shampoo back into the basket. I hung the towel and made sure everything was as I’d found it before leaving the washroom.

I stopped outside the door startled, staring at the boy on the bed opposite mine. He stared back at me with the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. His hair was a fine tangle of white-blond that fell to his chin. His skin was naturally tanned, making his eyes and hair seem even more exotic.

“I’m Lucius,” he said, finally in an almost freakishly normal voice. He stood up from the bed and I took a step closer. We met in the middle and shook hands. His hand felt small, soft and almost feminine next to my own. He was a few inches shorter than me, probably around 5’6 and was really thin.

We were almost polar opposites. My hair’s black, not quite chin length, choppy with bangs that always got in my eyes; which are green, I’m extremely pale and am average height and weight; although at the time I was skinnier, I hadn’t eaten in almost a week unless they fed me through a tube or something, and recent ecstasy binges had left me 15 pounds under my average weight.

We met eyes briefly, before he looked away.

“Salem,” I finally replied, but it seemed far away and a second later I wasn’t sure I’d said anything at all.

“It’s nice to finally meet you. We’ve been hearing about a new arrival since last Sunday; plus, I’ve never had a roommate before,” he said after a moment, suddenly seeming shy.

“It’s good to meet you too...under the circumstances,” I replied almost reluctantly. He nodded but had a blank look on his face. Every so often his eyes would stray to my arms, or my neck, and he’d look away, blushing. I thought it was bazaar but somehow funny; him being embarrassed for looking while I’m plainly watching him. Morbid curiosity, I see it a lot.

“It’s nearly nine, you’ve slept in and missed breakfast,” he said, changing the subject.

“Oh well, I’ll live,” I replied; but I didn’t know if it was the truth, I could drop dead from hunger at this point.

I stepped away from the other boy and looked around the room in the daylight. Everything was white and boring. There were a few books, notebooks and pens on top of a small dresser, which rested against the wall at the end of Lucius’ bed. There was another small dresser on my side of the room.

I walked over and read the titles of the novels. Mostly books I hadn’t heard of, or hadn’t read, except To Kill a Mocking Bird, Pet Cemetery and War and Peace. I noted the Archie comics as I picked up one of the notebooks and started flipping through it.

Almost immediately it was snatched out of my hand by a very flustered looking Lucius.

“This...my books are personal,” he said quietly, clutching the book to his chest.

“Sure, I’m sorry. I was just curious,” I replied, slightly intrigued by the notebooks now. He set the book down, eyeing me warily.

“Nurse Jacqueline told me to show you around after you woke up, and then to bring you to her,” he said, changing the subject again. I raised my eyebrows at him, and clucked my tongue.

“Well, then show me already,” I replied, not unkindly. He backed away from the dresser and walked towards the door, looking over his shoulder at me. I followed behind him into the red hallway; although it looked at lot brighter in the daylight.

“I’ll introduce you to some people I like,” Lucius informed me excitedly. I rolled my eyes but said nothing. He led me into the first room on the right next to ours, without knocking. There were two boys playing checkers on the floor.

One boy was younger, with dirty blond hair and a child-like physique. The older boy was probably around 20. He was tall, dark haired and Asian. They both looked up at us as we walked into the room.

“Hey guys, this is...” Lucius began.

“What are you doing man? Why’d you bring him here Lou?” the older boy burst out, suddenly, while moving towards the bed and covering his face. “They’re going to come now, THEY’RE COMING YOU ASSHOLE!” he suddenly yelled.

“Holy shit,” I thought, before realizing I’d said it aloud. The boy was making cross-like gestures at me and ranting still while Lucius was trying to calm him down. The younger, blond haired kid stared up at me unblinking.

“My names Seth,” the small boy said. He turned to his roommate who was mostly calm by now, and said, “Its okay Dean, he isn’t a threat. He’s the new recruit,” Seth informed him, and the older boy instantly calmed down, his surprised eyes turning curious and calculating as he looked me up and down.

“Sketch, that’s what I’ll call you. Are you sure you aren’t from...the other side?” Dean said, lowering his voice near the end and glancing towards the door. It was obvious that he was extremely paranoid.

“Excuse me?” I asked, confused, but Lucius spoke before the boy had a chance to answer me.

“His name is Salem, he’s one of us,” he said while looking at me nervously. In fact, all three were looking at me, inspecting me. Seth had an unreadable face, a talent I admired.

Dean was much more animated; and I could tell he was pondering something. Lucius was trying not to be obvious, looking away now and then before turning back to stare at me.

“I like Sketch better,” Dean said suddenly. His eye gave a little twitch as he clapped his hands. I didn’t really want to be called Sketch, because I’m not a sketchy drug addict, and I hate nicknames; but I somehow managed not to snap at the paranoid freak.

This was already getting to be a bit much for me. The Asian boy’s movements, his constant fidgeting was started to eat at me; the way he kept staring, tilting his head, this way and that, while tapping his toes and clapping his fucking hands on his knees.

While I don’t normally have any patience what-so-ever, I was trying to make an exception and finding it insanely difficult. Maybe insanely difficult wasn’t the right choice of words but...

“Look, you can call me whatever the fuck you like, if you’ll tell me something,” I proposed. I looked at the three of them all sitting down, with me standing above them...totally awkward. I shifted my feet around. I guess fidgeting is contagious.

“What do you want to know?” asked Lucius. I looked his way and when our eyes met he looked away.

“Do I get a phone call, or what?” I asked.

The three of them went silent and stared at me for a moment

“This isn’t prison,” Dean says. “Stupid.”

“Hey fuck you. This place is balls and you can all go fuck yourselves,” I spat over-reacting slightly. I knew I’d run out of patience, but this soon? I turned, and fled out of the room and down the hallway; so much for Lucius showing me around.

Once I had to step over a small redhead lying in the floor, and twice I bumped into people, and didn’t look back. A tall guy I shoved aside called me a douche bag, but that was all.

The room at the end of the hallway looked different during the day, it was brighter and fold-up tables and stackable chairs had been brought out into the middle of the room. Games were scattered about but only a few people were out here. Several, playing board games at the tables, a few more watching a static filled TV and a girl painting on the floor.

I looked around for Jackie and didn’t see her anywhere. I saw the security guard though; not the one from the night before...Jack? Anyways this guard was much younger...and better looking too. There was a nurse, not Jackie, this girl was younger and better looking...kind of like the security guard. I guess everything does look better in the daylight.

The pretty strawberry blonde nurse was talking to some patient on the other side of the room, so I headed that way. As I approached them they stopped talking and stared at me. The young nurse smiled and held out her hand.

“Hi, I’m Nurse Jane,” she said, “You must be Salem.”

“Right, is Jackie around?” I asked, not bothering to shake her hand. She lowered her hand and said something to the patient; he smiled and agreed before leaving us alone.

“Nurse Jacqueline is busy with paper work, yours actually,” she replied giving me a no-nonsense look. “She can’t be bothered at this time.”

“That’s great,” I said distractedly. “Can I make a phone call?” I asked, as an afterthought. I might as well try.

“Yes, of course,” she replied, “follow me.” I started following her to the other side of the room; towards the small hallway I’d come in from the night before.

Either my roommate and his friends lied, or they didn’t realize that I could make a call. It didn’t matter either way to me; I was getting what I wanted in the end.

“I was told I should go see Jackie when I woke up,” I said, half asking, but mostly curious.

“Yes, but not for a little while, she needs more time,” she replied, simply.

She led me over to the desk Jackie had been working at the previous night. Currently yet a different nurse was sitting at the desk, head down in a pile of paperwork. This nurse was older, mid forties, brown hair, and a nice smile. Of course I didn’t care about that, I just wanted to use her phone.

“Please be quick. We don’t often let patients make personal calls, but we understand how you may be homesick at first,” Nurse Jane said sweetly. I felt like snorting or rolling my eyes but I did nothing, except mutter a thank-you when she handed me the phone.

I dialled my home phone number, and waited while it rung. I was hoping my brother would answer, but I didn’t think I’d be so lucky.

“Hello?” My mother answered the phone.

“Hello, you horrible bitch,” I replied mock casually.

“Salem, Salem is that you sweetie?” she asked, knowing perfectly well who it was.

“Don’t get cutesy with this ‘sweetie’ bullshit,” I said, irritation sparking inside me.

“What’s wrong honey, are you mad?” she asks smugly.

“Of course I’m mad! How can I not be? I can’t fucking believe you...”

“Calm down Salem, and tell me what’s wrong, why are you mad?” she insists, as if she has no idea.

“Why? What’s wrong? You put me in a fucking MENTAL INSTITUTION,” I replied furious, yelling into the phone.

“Salem, we talked about this as a family and it was the best thing for you,” she says, convincingly.

“We didn’t talk about anything! You didn’t say anything to me; am I not part of the family to you? And you know this isn’t best for anybody,” I replied, angry and hurt.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do between the drugs and the cutting and...what you were doing to your brother,” she said. My mom must have thought this was being recorded, because she usually didn’t sugar-coat things or act naïve like she was.

“It wasn’t like that! I didn’t do anything to him; regardless of what he told you. Let me talk to him,” I demanded.

“All I know is that my son is a liar, I can’t trust your word over Kieran’s and I don’t want him talking to you,” she replies as if it’s the end of the conversation.

“You aren’t supposed to play favourites. Burn in hell,” I say, before dropping the phone back into the cradle and hanging up.

I look at the two nurses who are both giving me startled looks.

“My mom,” I explained.


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