Always

It’s been three weeks since my breakdown and elevating epiphany. School hasn’t been so bad. Victor still shies away from me and no one talks to me they just whisper in small groups when I walk by. I see him with her everywhere. I don’t care. Not anymore. I am going to be normal. I don’t need the drama. My brother is coming to pick me up from school as he has been doing for a while now whenever he’s home for the weekend. I am waiting outside the school soaking up some rays and not really thinking about anything when I see him walk by. She isn’t with him. I my lips twitch in a weak spasm. It wasn’t a smile I know it wasn’t. My eyes follow him to the corner. He pauses as if he feels the weight of my gaze and glances over his shoulder. He is looking right at me. It is the first time he has acknowledged me since I came back to school. I don’t know what to do I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and glance down. He probably was looking at something behind me. I am suddenly very interested in my rank converse laces. As I pick at the little hole in the side a shadow falls over me. I know it’s him. I can’t look. I’m sure the wind has totally messed up my hair. No I didn’t just have that thought.
“Hey.” I glance up trapped by limp brown eyes. His voice is husky and dark not what I expected it to sound like.
Squinting up at him I whisper, “Hi.” I wait to see what he is going to do.
“Walk with me.” With that he turns and walks away completely sure of my obedience. I follow blindly a few steps behind head lowered. He comes to an abrupt stop at our wall. We are both silent contemplating the grass at our feet. I catch the faint whiff of pot. He’s holding out a lit blunt to me the wet tip glistening in the sunlight. I stare at it for a while and shake my head in rejection. I know I am stronger than that now. I don’t care anymore.
“So you do it?” he takes a drag still not looking at me.
“Do what?” I keep my head turned away.
“They say you tried to kill yourself.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Good. It wouldn’t have been right. You know man?” I looked at him in shock at this point. He had never spoken to me in all the 3 yrs he’s been fucking me, now he actually expresses an opinion on my welfare?
“No I don’t know. What do you care?” I hiss. My anger coming to the forefront now as I come to the realization of what a complete ass he is.
“What’s your problem? Shit, man. Just forget it. Tomorrow same time as usual.” He said, grinding his blunt into the ground as he prepared to leave. He didn’t even bother to ask he just demanded.
“No.”
“What’d you say?” His left brow raised slightly as he stared hard at me.
“I said no. Never again. It’s over. Whatever it was. Get your girlfriend to do you. Or you know what, go fuck yourself. I DON’T GIVE A RATS ASS!” I yelled storming off completely losing it. As I ran by he grabbed my wrist swinging me round to slam into his boney chest. His other arm came around to hold my waist to him.
“You are worst than a bitch with PMS and no chocolate. Calm the hell down. I just want to talk.” I could feel every word like a deep rumble in my own chest. The faint scent of his cologne assaulted my senses making me slightly light headed. I found my head resting on his chest as I sought air. I felt like I couldn’t breath. I knew I had to get out of there. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t the new me.
“We can’t do this anymore. It isn’t fair to her and it’s not fair to me. I can’t take this loneliness anymore. I have to leave this place. I’m done with you now.” I gasped my heart effecting a dull ache. I shoved away from him and ran. I never looked back.
“Sean what’s wrong?” Some how I ran right into Caleb. He probably had been looking for me. I didn’t answer him I just burrowed deeper into his comforting arms as he hugged me tight. I hugged him back as hard as I could with my spindly arms. It felt good. It was like coming out from under a dark cloud.
“Nothing. Let’s go home.” I smiled up at him. He gently rubbed my back as he led me to his car.
“You feeling like grabbing a cone, sport?” I knew there was a reason he was my brother, he’s psychic.
“You read my mind.” As he opened the door of his blue ‘97 eclipse, I saw Victor running toward us.
“Hey! Sean wait!” I frowned slightly. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to see Victor but he hadn’t really talked to me or hung out since the day in my room. And to be perfectly honest I was a little ashamed with the way I had treated him.
“Hey Victor.” Caleb said as he got in and started the car.
“Hey Caleb. Sean I’m having a party at my place this Saturday and I was wondering if you wanted to come. There won’t be a lot of people from school just mostly my brother’s friends from college.” He was a little winded so it all come out rushed. His cheeks were flushed, his chocolate eyes were shiny with excitement, and his hair was ruffled by the wind lying haphazardly across his face. How could I say no?
“Sure. I’ll be there. Thanks.”
“See you then.” He called as he trotted off to his own ride.
“Way to go stud muffin. Your first college party! I couldn’t have done better myself. If you’re lucky some of those chicks will be so drunk they won’t care how old you are.” Caleb grinned at me reaching over to pat my head. I sat there my mouth agape. It just hit me. I was going to a party with other people. I agreed to interact with other people. Oh my God! What have I done?