What love is

Chapter Five
My Big Day

Friday morning, my big day. When I awoke she wasn’t in bed. I got up and threw on my jersey shirt and ran down stairs to the dining room. Monica had got up early and decorated the entire dining room while I slept! There were balloons and paper streamers all over, but I didn’t see her. I walked towards the kitchen door as it opened and she backed through the doorway and then turned around carrying a large platter with my birthday cake on it and began the traditional ‘happy birthday’ song.

She placed the platter on the table as she concluded singing and said, “I hope you like it, its German chocolate.” It was a beautiful cake and she’d decorated it with pink roses and in the center she drew a fairy using yellow, red and green icing and candy sprinkles that looked like glitter, the candles were arranged so that it looked like the fairy was holding two of them and there was one above her head with the other eight around the edge of the cake.

“Oh Monica! That is the most beautiful cake I’ve ever seen! You did all this just for me?” I almost started crying as I walked over and hugged her.

“Yeah, you’re one of my very special friends, and later I’d like to do a drawing of you as a fairy, would you like that?”

“For real? Yes, I’d love that! Do you want to start now?”

“Well I thought we could do it later on tonight, and I’d also like to take some snapshots of you on the web cam then add some animations and stuff with the photo program I have. It’ll be fun!”

“Cool” I said and attempted to kiss her, but she turned away and said, “Um…about last night…Melissa I…I um…well, never mind, we’ll talk about it later, lets just get on with the party! Happy birthday sweetheart!” and then kissed me on the forehead.

She smiled at me and suddenly remembered, “Oh the presents! I’ve been hiding them all week, I almost forgot! I’ll be right back!” and she ran up stairs to her room.
That whole day turned out to be great!

Even though it was just us and none of my friends were there, we had more fun than I’d ever had at any of my birthdays. We painted each others face’s, played board games, had ice-cream and cake, shared jokes. Monica was so cool! She even bought me that pair of knee-high boots I’d had my eye on for so long, and a blue-jean skirt with a matching blouse! She also got me a verity of training bra’s in different styles and suggested that I start wearing them.

That afternoon we were sitting in the den just making small talk and I was telling her how much I enjoyed spending time with her, and that I was so glad that she’d moved in with us, and not to worry about our secret, and I was about to ask if she wanted to start drawing the fairy picture when she went to the stereo and put in a cd and asked, “Can I have this dance with the birthday girl?” The song was ‘My heart will go on’ by Celine Dion, from the titanic soundtrack. I loved that movie!

As the music started, she held me close to her and looked into my eyes and began to sing along. Chills ran through me as I listened to her sing, her voice was so soft and beautiful and my heart fluttered as we paced in a slow dance gazing at each other.

At that moment, I realized that I was really in love, and there is nothing in this world that I wouldn’t do for her. It was like I was filled with a fire that could never be put out. I’ve heard people talk about love, about how powerful it is, and how it could change your whole life, and now, I was experiencing it, and I thought to myself, this is it, this is what love is. Every word from her lips seemed melt into me, my hands were sweating and I thought about how she kissed me for the first time.

As the song ended I again tried to kiss her, but I saw tears building in her eyes and she looked away and said, “um…would you excuse me for a minute sweetie, I just remembered something, I need to give Sarah a call,” and she turned and quickly went up to her room before I could answer.

I turned on the stereo and tried to tune in on her cell phone but it wasn’t working. I carefully picked up the house phone to see if she might be using it instead of her cell, but it was dead. I ran up to my bedroom to see if my stereo would work since it had picked up the signal before and as soon as I turned it on, she was already in her conversation with Sarah. The dial on my stereo hadn’t been turned since the last time I spied on her, but I didn’t have the tape ready to record them…which was probably not a good idea anyway.

“…yourself together Monica, why are you crying honey?”

“I think I’ve made a huge mistake…I did something last night that I knew I might regret.”

“Its ok baby, just calm down and tell me.”

“…It happened.”

“What happened?”

“…I had sex with Melissa.”

“Oh my god Monica…oh my fucking god! What’s wrong with you? Do you realize what you just did!?”

“I was weak…she came to me and asked to talk about being a lesbian and I…”

“Yeah right Monica, do you really expect me to believe that? She’s a kid! She don’t even know what sex is yet!

“You don’t understand Sarah, she…”

“Oh I understand alright, I understand that You’ve put your whole life, your whole reputation, your whole career in the hands of a child! What were you thinking?”

“Are you going to try to help me or are you just going to bitch at me?”

“Ok fine, I just can’t believe you did this with everything you have going for you? *sigh* Alright, what about her, how is she taking it?”

“She loved it, in fact she even wants to do it again.”

“Well I don’t find that too surprising, you were always a great in bed. To be honest it kind of turns me on to think of you doing her.” *giggles*

“Sarah please don’t start fucking with me about this. This is serious!”

“Okay Monica, I know. Do you think she’ll tell anyone?”

“No, I know she wont, I trust her. We’ve been celebrating her birthday all day long, and a while ago we were talking and I noticed she was looking at me differently, so I thought I’d try something to see if I was reading her right and I put on some music and danced with her. As I looked in her eyes I saw something, I think she’s falling in love with me!?”

“Oh my god, this is getting worse by the minute! So, let me guess, you think you’re falling in love with her too, right?”

“……*sobbing*

“GET A GRIP MONICA! …It will NEVER work and you know it!”

“Dammit Sarah I called you for help because you’re the only one in the world I can trust with this, and all you’ve done so far is bitch me out! You were cheering me on about it yesterday saying its ok to have a fantasy, and talking about Kristy…”

“Yeah and I also said DON’T ACT ON IT didn’t I? I thought you knew I was just teasing, I didn’t think you would actually do the night fairy thing?”

“That is NOT the way it happened Sarah! Why cant you believe me!?”

“Fine Monica whatever, I really don’t care how it happened or who seduced who, the fact is, it did happen and its not going to do any good arguing about it. We have to find a way to fix it and keep you out of trouble!…I know you’re not going to like what I’m about to suggest, but unless you have a better idea, you’d better go along with it.”

“….*sobbing*

“Sit her down and explain to her that what happened was a mistake, and that mistake could cause more trouble than she can imagine if it ever got out about what happened. Tell her that what she’s feeling is not love, its lust and its almost the same but lust is easier to get over….you know, convince her that she’s as much to blame for the mistake as you are. If you can convince her that she could get into a lot of trouble, I think you have a chance of getting away with it. As far as her being in love with you, come on, she’s a kid, she don’t even know what love is? Just tell her that you can never do that anymore, but you can still be friends.”

“You’re right Sarah…I didn’t like that suggestion, what exactly do you mean ‘get away with it?’ I’m not trying to ‘get away’ with anything! You’re making it sound as if I molested her! Look, just forget it! I’ll find a way to make things work out, I don’t need your help! …And you know what? I think you’re the one who don’t know what love is, I saw that a long time ago, I didn’t want to face the truth so I just kept pretending that you loved me. Well I truly loved you, and the open relationship was your idea, not mine! Melissa may only be eleven, but she knows what love is. Maybe someday you’ll understand that people have feelings and… just forget it!… I hope you’re happy with Jessica…goodbye Sarah…”

“Monica wait! You’re upset, and you’re letting this whole th…” *click*

After I heard her hang up, I sat and thought for a minute, Sarah said it would never work, is that why she’s crying? Is she really in love with me? Is she afraid I’ll tell and get her in trouble? I would never do that! I need to talk to her, I have to let her know that she don’t have to worry, I won’t tell. I went to her door and as I was about to knock, I could hear her crying. I’ll have to be careful of what I say or she’ll know I was eaves dropping. I thought and then lightly knocked on the door.

“Just a minute,” she replied trying to hide the sadness in her voice. I didn’t like the thought of her being sad, and I wanted to just hug her and tell her that its ok and we can make it work out somehow.

“Come in,” she said sounding a little more normal and not as sad. I went in and looked at her as she sat at her dresser, she was trying not to look directly at me but it was obvious that she’d been crying.

“Are you alright?” I said as I slowly approached her.

“Melissa sweetie, we need to have a serious talk about last night.”

“I heard you talking to Sarah, did you have a fight?”

“How did you hear?”

“I was …outside the door,” careful, I thought to myself.

“Melissa!? That’s rude, you shouldn’t eaves drop on peoples conversations! So what all did you hear?”

“You told her didn’t you?”

“Sweetie, you have to understand how complicated this is. I’m not exactly sure of how to deal with it. I called Sarah to get advice but she didn’t seem to fully understand the situation and suggested that I tell you things that are not true. I would never do that…Sarah is not herself anymore, ever since she moved in with Jessica she’s…well, it’s a long story. Just promise me sweetie that you wont tell a sole about what took place last night, please?”

“Monica I know a lot more than you think I do, I’m not a stupid little kid! You never have to worry about that. I swear I’ll never tell anyone! I know things about my mom that I’m sure she would be put in prison for. If you want to, I think we can be girlfriends and no one will ever find out. I love you Monica, and I want us to be together even if it has to stay a secret forever,” I told her as I looked at her and could no longer hold back my tears.

She stood up and hugged me and tried hard not to cry, but the emotions overcame her and she gave in to tears. After we’d had a long cry together, we sat on her bed and she began telling me about her life as a child and how she’d grown up with Sarah. She told me about the horror that she and Sarah went through with Frank and even though she explained it in a way that was less harsh, it was still almost un-bearable to listen to, but the next part of her story would be the silver lining behind that dark cloud in her life.

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