Guide To The Best Porn Fic EVER!

Guide to the best porn fic EVER!!! (Part the Fifth: The day I enjoy your lame ass fan fic is the same day Satan drives a snowplow to work.)

Bits and bobs are always coming at me from every angle and as usual, it is my job to hammer in the fact that I’m better then all of you in every way fathomable. I use large words therefore I am smart. It’s called the food chain; anyways here are the things you should be expecting in this stellar hoopla of an update. The first is the long fabled story of cliché lovers with a stalker and their sexual intents. The second shall be the yuri flower power of the demoness dominatrix that preys on younger girls. The third shall be the reverse of shouta, the forbidden lolicon. The fourth shall be the fantasy settings such as G.I. Jack-off and Gandalf the Gay. The fifth will go over the nature of latex blown grossly out of hand and finally the sixth shall be the unheard of female pregnancy.


The cliché love story of two people falling in love has been done over and over again, and I ask you; why is this? By the sound of the crickets in the background I can only assume that I know something you don’t therefore making me better. The reason it has been done so much is because generally it takes two people to fall in love, but of coarse none of you would know this because the closest thing you’ve come to true love is sending yours hand a Valentines Day card.

Now look it’s easy how this works. In any anime, or shitty show like Friends you’re going to have two people either living very close or with each other. Many comical events happen along the way until there’s that tender moment where everything goes quiet and slowly they start approaching each other with longing and lust, and then they become so close that they can feel their hot breath on each other and theirs noses are touching in way that teases their lips with ecstasy and fire. Then they move closely and for a brief moment they pause as their lips are mere millimeters away and then it happens… They run into the nearest bathroom stall and the dude starts ramming his spam javelin up that hooker’s chunky ass and in less then a minute he shoots off his yogurt cannon and then pays the hoe bag only to see her run off with another man twenty minutes later. That’s what love is, and don’t you forget it.

NOW to put a fan fiction around all this. First you go through all of the steps. Make them gay, put your characters out of character, put a giant robot somewhere in there, make it angsty bondage, rip off your favorite anime, make another fucking Chuck Norris joke, and finally make it a self insertion with all your nerdy D&D buddies and make various nerdy jokes referencing from the DM guide or the players handbook. Also if you want you can put in the monsters you make from your nerdy D&D game like a Drider, which is a dark elf and a giant spider crossed, this’ll work well since all your super nerdy colleagues with super nerdy powers will all be super nerdy dark elf thieves. And so our epic story begins…

Just below this line…

Keep going…

HERE! The cliché lovers with a secret stalker fic.
I shall call it Vampire Hunter D&D.

One day D is going around doing his thing, hunting vampires. Though he is nearly 5000 years old he still finds that his libido is still out of control. Then it all happened at once. After crossing the desert he stops in on a village and takes sit down on a nearby stool, but little did he know that he was sitting next to the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. She was seven foot tall Amazon with cleavage you could ski down and to top it off she wore not much but a loin clothe and something that just barely concealed the mass of boner induction which took of home upon her chest. D couldn’t hold it any more he needed her. He was in love and like all men that are in love he swept her up in his arms and made off like a blur towards the back room. There he bent her over and drove his tongue deep and penetrating into her anus. She moaned with pleasure and the heat of their bodies could make Santa’s North Pole nipples tender for the length of an ice age.

Then D noticed something he should have noticed before he drove his tongue into the anus of this giant goddess. She had wedding tackle complete with two floaters and a twelve-inch rod. “Oh dear…” he said quietly, realizing that he’d just made a very large and very beautiful medieval transvestite hotter then a steam furnace in forty-degree weather, caught him off guard a little. He rolled it around in his thoughts for a moment and thought to himself, ‘Well as long as it doesn’t leave this stall, we’re cool.’

Then the unexpected happened. The mighty Valkyrie before him turned sharply and made him his/her love doll. With a deep voice he/she boomed, “My ass is on fire baby. I’m gonna rail you now.”

With a slight scream and a quick tearing of D’s pants, he found himself bent over a sink having a twelve inch meat sewer pipe shoved up his virgin ass without the assistance of lube or foreplay.


Off in the wilderness of whatever strange planet the four nerds were transported too. They found that in the middle of their daily game of D&D, when the DM started reading a passage from a used D&D book, they were suddenly transported without any warning and sucked into their latest revision of the Vampires Fags and Driders in Scantily Clad Chain Mail Version 6 handbook. Then here they were in unknown territory, their character sheets welded to their very being and also currently conducting something known as a ‘daisy chain’ in celebration.

Days later they arrive a town and decide to go have the finest dwarven ail at the nearest tavern. No dwarves around and no goddamn dwarven ail later, they hear a moaning coming from the back. Your fat and hairy DM, now a slim tough handsome stallion of a dark elf goes in to investigate. As he pushes the door open he sees something that no form of soap or bleach could ever wash out of his eyes. It was a very pale vampire man ridding a seven foot tall heshe with what could best be described as a full smoked ham reverberating wildly in and out of his hideously stretched ass, as he stroked his own lengthy, yet dwarfed by the shemale’s, shaft and cumming wildly all over quite possibly the worlds biggest titties.

(Skip ahead a little, throw in a few sex scenes after some sort of confessed love between the DM and the huge tranny, but due to weather conditions they had to all sleep in the same tent and it led to an orgy. Now we have a story where the Amazon has left D who has now become a stalker to break up the love bond between Duke Dweeb, bringer of gross ass neck beards, Sir Pimple, slayer of ramen, Baron Sinkypits the unshowered, Lord Fatass, engulfer of mountain dew, destroyer of cheetos and warmer of the cat pee smelling couch, and finally their seven foot tall transgender love toy, Bruce the love hammer.)

It’s growing late and our party grows tired and tomorrow will only be worse due to yet another endless night of hot sticky sex. Right when Duke Dweeb and Sir Pimple are about to perform double anal on Bruce and in turn are being rammed by the other two, the roof of the tent is ripped away exposing both the night sky and a Drider that they had only caught a glimpse of earlier on. A lengthy conversation reveals that D was actually a Drider in a magical disguise and now he had them all. D then ties them up in embarrassing and sexual positions with his webbing and starts using his eight legs in sexual ways best left to the imagination. Every one cries with angst, except Lord Fatass who is actually kind of into it, but no one’s suppose to know that and then once they are well ravished and raped the unexpected happens…

Heero from Gundamn Wing bursts the fuck in riding Zero Wing and shoots the living piss out of D with a big ass gun. Then somehow D survives, grows huge and Zero Wing must pull out it’s big ass laser sword and duel with D. Once the epic fight is over, everyone crams into the cockpit, blasts into space and ends the story with a zero gravity galactic orgy.

And that’s how you write a simple cliché lovers/stalker fic. All common sense right?


NEXT
Demoness Dominatrix that could only be from Sailor Moon. Basically you write the same story above, but you replace all the characters with women from sailor moon. Tuxedo Fag can be the transvestite if need be, but turn the Drider into Queen Barrel or what ever the fuck her name is. I didn’t have a lot of time to watch sailor moon as I was growing up, because I was busy practicing being manly and doing manly things like waving my penis at nuns up at the local church.

I hope you didn’t think that’s all I’m going to say… We need to take a step back again and look at the stalker in depth, because this is vital to every story that has some sort of sneaky dominatrix with a highly convenient bottle of chloroform on their hands. You see it’s all about the heavy breathing and masturbating in the bushes while watching their prey.

I’ve changed my mind now; I want two stalker figures because one won’t be enough. I want that evil dude that got killed to be one, Neflight I think. If there’s one episode I remember it’s the one were the evil dude got stabbed with a fucking tree and still whooped every one’s ass. He was like, “No fucking way, I’ve been stabbed through the entire body with a fucking tree, how could I not see this one coming?” And then he got up and started flashing off his manly pecks to his bitch, Molly, and he was like, “Hello hotness, I’m Neflight and as you can see I’ve been stabbed with an entire fucking tree. Now watch me as I kill everything, oh by the way could you yank a couple of these roots out of me, I want to beat that dude to death with my enormous cock, but I don’t think I can do it left handed.” Yeah… He was pretty fucking cool…

Anyways! Neflight is after Sailor Mercury, because Queen Barrel’s got a thing for geeky bookworm bombshell babes. (That’s called a shitty display of consonance.) Now Sailor Mercury is at home, in bed and currently exploring dreamland and while she does this Neflight is going to break into her house and stand over her sleeping form for about two hours, breathing heavily and jacking off. Once all the descriptions are done Neflight will get in close spray her sleeping face with his man juice and then take her away to Queen Barrel, who is a really old cow and into whips and chains. (Blah blah blah, words words words)

We find that Sailor Mercury is crying or some lame shit like that, and she’s quivering because her body has just been violated and sexually traumatized for the first time, which in the anime world is wonder because it usually happens at the age of 12 for most anime girls. It’s amazing Sailor Mercury lasted this long without some sort of demon or beast man raping her, but all the same it finally happened and now she’ll be able fit in at school. But that’s assuming that she goes back to school! Sailor Mercury is DOOMED to stay in the Negaverse or whatever it’s called, with a permanent pink spiky dildo lodged up her woman hood and some anal beads up where anal beads usually go. For a happy ending have Tuxedo Fag come and save Sailor Mercury by taking her place, or if you want a sad ending keep Sailor Mercury there and turn Queen Barrel into a sex pussy monster with a wide gaping vortex for a mouth that has whips and chains come out of it on command. IT WORKS! I AM ONE CAN SHORT OF A SIX PACK! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now to demonstrate my utter and relentless ingenious, I’m now going to kill not two, but three birds with one stone. That’s right people, I’m using the big old bastard rock of bitchin’ fan fic writing and let me tell you something, like all meteors from movies, this rock’s the size of New fucking Mexico baby and I’m personally throwing it for all my burrito eating home boys down there at the Copacabana. I can respect a place that substitutes it’s own water for bear any day of the week.

Off in the lands of Middle Earth we find our original wizard, the one every one rips off, Gandalf the Gay, traveling with his two favorite buddy Dildo Baggins and Frodo, otherwise known as ‘The Gimp.’ Throughout this adventure Frodo shall remain tied up in his gimp suit complete with nipple clamps and gag and trudge around with a pair of underwear that has the built in dildo and the one ruling ring around his ever erect penis for that is the curse of the one ring. (This gives us our fantasy setting.)

Next! Wandering this middle earth in a separate party is an elf prince with gentle kisses and wild sex, a dwarven warrior who secretly seeks out little girls to satisfy his needs, and a man destined to become King of Gondor the stone city of gimps. (This fills three categories easily. The hot elf needed in every fantasy story, a big fat hairy pedophile, and a man into rubber suit.)

NEXT! I don’t care why or how you do it, because you’re selling this fanfic using nothing more then the summary and a few fake reviews you’ve made yourself, but you’re going to get these people to meet up at some point. Oh, there’ll be the tough endeavors as usual like the tentacle rape monster, the jizz spewing dragon, athlete’s foot, you name it! Just remember that we’ve got a lot of roles to fill here, so let start off on the character of Gandalf the Gay. He may be old but he’s got a thirteen inch cock with a certain hobbit’s name written all over it, no really, he’s got a tattoo that says ‘For my bitch Frodo.’ Etched right across the shaft and when it gets erect and the foreskin pulls back it says ‘This end up.’ Right on the tip.

Now that Gandalf is established we go on to his oldest buddy, Dildo Baggin’s who, I’d like to note now, wears a skullcap with an eighteen-inch and slightly wobbly dildo sticking out of the top. Dildo Baggin’s will use a head butt attack in every fight.

Frodo is a special case character because he does not have any dialog except for deep moans and heavy breathing because, ‘It does not speak unless told too!’ Hell he even gets in shit for the moans and heavy breathing, so play with him carefully, unless beating him is necessary to the story.

Ladyboy the elf/charisma of the story will constantly make ‘come hither’ eyes with Hornygorn the man made of latex and soon to be king of the Erotic Balloon People. Yes that’s right the Balloon People. To be clothed in latex is one thing, but being composed of it is a completely new and erotic excursion.

Now Short Fat Bastard, the dwarf, is going to spend the majority of his time hanging around schools and trying to lure children to his black tinted minivan with candy. Also when he’s away from the schools he’s going to stare at all the little girls as they walk by his house and possibly expose his genitalia to them when he goes out to get the morning paper. He’ll also make jokes such as, ‘What’s the best thing about twenty eight year olds? There’s twenty of them!’ and ‘What’s the best part about a twelve year old girl in the shower? You can slick her hair back and make her look like an eight year old boy!’ The jokes and fun times will never end with this character and if you want you can make him a really deep person, like make a scene where it’s just him and Gandalf the Gay talking alone and he starts to explain how he likes playing with their arms and legs. Don’t worry, like I’ve said before, this is art and every one will laugh and find some way to connect with your characters, this is in no way creepy to anyone else with a soul.

Now all you have to do is put it together, angst all the way through, give it a happy ending and end off with big old orgy. Its easy people just try it!


NEXT! Finally the fabled female pregnancy. I’m gonna level with you now. This fic is gonna blow not matter what, so you’re gonna have to give it as many positive elements as possible. Let’s start off with an opening line that’ll get every one’s attention.

“Jesus Christ it’s hot in here. It’s like working in an East Indian’s armpit!”

Racism is the way to go believe you me. I don’t care how many tree hugging hippies protest it, every one finds it fucking hilarious and no one, and I mean no one will even think to protest an opening line like that. Now we need a plot… Nah, fuck the plot, we’re here for sex and female pregnancy and goddamnit I’ll give it to you.

Second line.

“Yes it is hot in here, let us all take off all of our clothes.”

Line Three.

“With Gusto!”

Insert sound effects best described as cutting wet turkey followed with a couple meaty plop sounds.

“Oh, you came in me you bastard! I’ll now forget every form of birth control and since I am both a ninja and a robot I shall now give myself a ninja style abortion.”

“Eagad! You just shoved a fucking smoke bomb and kunai up you pussy!”

Forth of July via fireworks being expelled from pussy.

“Oh, dear that didn’t work and it seems I’m going to have to go to the hospital where surly someone will convince me to keep the baby.”

“You do that, I need a smoke.”

3 weeks later.

“Oh, well I guess I’ll run away from my family and shit now. While hiding the fact that I’m pregnant I will now be living on the streets where hobo’s drink each others pee for crack money because this seems like a great idea and a very stable environment to raise a child.”

Drinks pee for crack money for eight month.

“Jesus shit, I need to get out of here, I’m like due in a week. I suppose this whole experience has changed my life and I guess I should now become soccer mom of the year and- JESUS CHRIST IT’S A LION! EVER ONE GET BACK IN THE CAR!”

Evades encounter with lion and becomes soccer mom of the year along with finding both the man of her dreams and acceptance from her family even after being a complete and utter thunder cunt.

The only way this story gets any better is if you replace all men with dick girls, so just remember that.


Now that this entry is settled I’d like to review that fact that I’m always going to be better then you and that the next part will be the graduation page. That’s right, after you finish this guide all of you will receive the Hank Seal Of Approval on ever fanfic you write after reading my teachings. The only conditions are that you must continue to call me master and send me a card every father’s day, because when some asks ‘Who’s your daddy?’ you will respond with, ‘Hank. Hank is my daddy.’ So if you want to brush up on any skills in the final review then I highly suggest that you ask the questions. Go on get to it.

As to the question about the shrine dedicated to me peppered with lime green dildos. I fully concede to that.