The Gay Man's Matchmaker

“He did what?!” Lauren shrieked when I got home.

“Attacked me like some S&M freak!” I repeated. “Want to see the bump on the back of my head?”

“Bump?” Tommy put his hand up and lightly touched the sore spot I had there, and I winced. “Holy shit! Where is he? I’ll kill him!”

“Probably still in a fetal position on the sidewalk where I left him!” I glared at both of them now, shoring myself up for an argument. “This deal is off, guys!”

“No!” they both cried in unison … making me wince again.

“Yes! I can’t afford any more blind dates courtesy of you two matchmakers from hell! They’re killing me!”

“Well, Genie didn’t actually physically hurt you,” Tommy pointed out smugly, earning a swat from his fiancée before disappearing into the kitchen.

“Oh, so you don’t count the migraine his outfit caused me? Or how about the risk of potential biological warfare with pissed off waiters?”

Lauren laughed, but I was dead serious! These two were supposedly on my side … looking out for my best interests! Can you imagine what would have happened if they hated me? I looked at them closely now. Maybe they do hate me! I narrowed my eyes suspiciously looking for any indication.

“I’m really sorry,” Lauren said finally. “I talked with him for two hours last night. He gave me no indication he was anything but a shy, quiet, timid paralegal.”

“Yeah, well he’s a lot stronger than he looks!” I rubbed my upper arms where I was sure bruises were forming from Trevor’s grip on me earlier. “Hopefully the asswipe runs into his own S&M nightmare soon! That’s all I have to say!”

I plopped down onto the couch. Tommy came out with a bag of frozen peas, which he placed over the lump on the back of my head. I yelped for a second before I nodded at him gratefully and leaned my lead back against the couch to keep the bag in place. Lauren sat down next to me and Tommy took the chair on my other side.

“The rule stays in effect pal,” he said seriously.

“Motherfu- !”

“Hey!” he glowered at me in warning. “I know tonight really sucked and if we’d had any idea that this guy was psycho we wouldn’t have let him near you, much less left you alone with him!”

“I don’t need a boyfriend!”

“Yes, you do, Kee,” Lauren said gently.

“I can take care of myself! I’m old enough!”

“But you don’t,” Tommy pointed out.

“I do SO!”

“The way you take care of yourself is to stay inside,” Lauren piped in again.

I glared at her.

“You know I’m right.”

“I thought he was the one who had a problem with it,” I seethed.

“I do have a problem with it,” Tommy confirmed. “But I’m not the only one who does. Lauren’s mentioned it a number of times, too.”

I tried to shoot lethal laser beams into her. What does she know about me anyway?

“What do you know anyway?”

“What? You can’t be my friend now?” she teased with a grin. “As long as I’ve been dating this schmuck, I’ve been a friend of yours, too, and you know it.”

A thought suddenly blinded me from within my aching skull. She wasn’t just his fiancée! She was his partner in this crime against the gay man.

“You sicced him on me!”

“Yes, I did,” she shrugged. “What are you going to do about it?”

Scream bloody murder!

“I’ll – I’ll!”

“Mmm?”

Her eyes stayed trained on mine as she waited for whatever empty threat I came up with. And it would be empty. She was right. She was a good friend. One of the very few I trusted. But this sucks! I wouldn’t be able to get out of it now! She had been my only ally. Damn it!

“Well, at least it’s just one more date,” I sighed. Hopefully we could only improve from here.

“Only one more if we find a good one,” she reminded me.

“But we agreed …”

“We agreed that Tommy and I would have three tries before we allowed you to come with us when we looked for prospects,” she pointed out. “That’s all we agreed on though.”

“The rule remains invoked until you’re actually in a relationship,” Tommy grinned.

I hate you!

“No!”

“Kee, you can’t go through your life alone,” Lauren sighed. “I won’t watch you let it slip by because you’re too afraid to get hurt.”

“I’m not afraid!” How dare she imply that? I’m no wimp! I showed that asshole I wasn’t just before!

“Aren’t you? Then why don’t you have a guy?”

“I’m not a virgin!” I cried. “I’ve been out with plenty of guys!”

“Plenty of different guys,” Tommy chimed in with a frown. “And never with the same one twice.”

“Are you calling me a slut?!”

“If the condom fits …”

“Hold it!” Lauren interrupted with a delicate hand held up. “Kee, we’re not saying you’re easy. We’re just pointing out that you … tend to avoid long-term connections.”

“In other words, I’m a slut!”

“No, no, no!”

She and I glared at each other as we stood at this impasse. I could see that she wasn’t willing to give in, and she could see the same. She was as stubborn as the mule she was going to marry, I swear she was!

“But the rule,” Tommy sang, “stays invoked.”

I turned a malicious glance his way. “Why?!”

“Besides the reasons we’ve already stated?” he asked. I nodded. “Because you invoked it on me last year.”

My eyes went wide in shock and horror. Was he actually going to tell Lauren what I’d done? He swore me to secrecy over this!

“Oh, I already know,” Lauren laughed. “And I’m not offended at all. If you hadn’t done that he probably never would have got around to proposing.” I looked at her sharply and she smiled at me … warmly. Oh, hell no! “So, you see, Kee?” she asked. “I owe you.”

CRAP! Someone save me from these two! But no one would. I knew that. My karma is worth shit! These two had it in their minds that I was going to find someone, and that was that. Why they decided I should share in their committed lifestyle escaped me, but I knew now with certainty that I wouldn’t be escaping them.

“Why don’t you just get my life over with and set me up with that psycho, vengeful waiter from the steakhouse?” I whined.

“Did you like him?” Lauren asked. “He was kind of cute.”

“Is he even gay?”

I gave Tommy a fulminating glance. “And I would know that, how?”

“Um,” he said nervously, scooting his chair back. Yeah, you better be scared, fucker! “Gaydar?”

“What?!” I exploded out of my seat and raced toward him as he jumped up and danced out of reach. “I warned you what would happen if you brought up one more stereotype!”

“Sorry!” he yelled over his shoulder as he ran around the room. “I just thought … well, I don’t know how this works!”

“How what works?” I demanded as I stopped and leaned against the wall. My head was killing me and I was beginning to get dizzy again.

“This whole … gay thing!”

I scowled and took my seat again, placing the pea bag back on my bump. “Why should it be any different than the whole hetero thing?” I finally growled. “Do you know for absolute certainty that a woman isn’t a lesbian before you hit on her?”

“Before he used to hit on them,” Lauren grunted. “He doesn’t do that anymore!”

“That’s right, baby,” Tommy grinned at her. He warily retook his seat and gave me a thoughtful look. “Okay. So what you’re saying is I should go about this exactly the same way I would if you were straight.”

“I guess,” I shrugged. “Just make sure that the guy you pick isn’t a freak – on the outside or hidden underneath.”

“That last one wasn’t our fault,” he insisted. “We swear to you that Trevor was completely normal with us.”

“Pointed questions might have helped.”

“How so?” Lauren asked.

“The lip ring was hot,” I conceded. “But I would have asked him how it goes over at work. And why he chose to get it to begin with.”

“He could lie if we ask,” Tommy said gruffly.

“Yeah, but at least you could have tried. Lip rings are common in my profession … creative, arty types,” I closed my eyes and relaxed my tense muscles. “In the law, it’s generally not considered a good idea to stand out like that. If I had met him on my own, I probably would have come to that conclusion.”

“Hmm,” they both murmured deep in thought.

“And remember, you only have one more try before I come with you.”

“We’d better make this one count, babe,” Tommy muttered darkly. “He’ll make sure we never find him anyone if he comes.”