White Tower Saga

Chapter 5 -

As I tapped my quill against my paper, I realized that to say that more changed in my first day in the White Tower than had changed throughout the rest of my life would not be an exaggeration. My first class was called A Tapestry of the Past, taught by a Brown Sister named Seline. She proceeded to consume two hours of my life, and according to the slip of paper Rena had given me before gently guiding me out the door and down sixteen levels, the mind numbing tedium of the class wouldn’t end for another hour. The Brown Sister had been describing what a Trolloc looks and acts like for the last half hour, to ‘ooh’ and ‘aahs’ of my fellow classmates. Having seen them in person, I felt rather bored.

My mind traced over what had transpired, burying my head in arms folded on the table to hide my blushing cheeks. I was still upset over not being able to settle things with Amanda. I felt pangs of guilt, knowing what my parents would say if they were still alive and knew about what I had done. It was strange, because I never used to be truly worried about disobeying my parents if I felt I was doing the right thing. My father was a gruff man during the best of times, and a drunkard at the worst. My mother was overprotective of her children, and though most of the people of Arafel had learned long ago that the women of their country must learn to fight if the Blight is to be held back, she still believed that women should stay in the home. But their deaths brought new credence to their views, and my embarrassment and guilt grew as I dwelled upon the thoughts of what had happened. My mother’s disapproving voice played in my head. Tears crept to my eyes, even as I told myself over and over I was being silly. Had I betrayed my family’s wishes, if not my family themselves, only days after they had died?

The droning voice of the Brown Sister saying my name fairly close to me brought me out of my self pity. I brought my head up, and through tear distorted eyes I saw the questioning gazes of the girls in the class fixated upon me. Distraught beyond words, mumbled an excuse and fled the room. My feet quickly brought me to the bench outside the room where I sat. I sniffed and tried to compose myself. Abject fury, regret and embarrassment commingled in my mind, and it was all I could do but sit there and not scream. Sister Seline ushered staring girls from the door frame back into the room, then gave me a glance of mixed annoyance and pity and shut the door. I choked on my tears, breaking down entirely. Images of my parents’ shock and horror as they watched me from the Afterlife danced in my head. My body was wracked with sobs as I dwelled upon such thoughts. After a time, I made out a slim figure leaning against the stone wall down the hall from the bench where I sat. I cleared my throat, coughed and then wiped my arm across my bloodshot eyes to clear the vision. The figure was Rena, gazing at me with a face that betrayed no thoughts.

“What are you doing here.” I said gruffly.

“Checking up on you.” she replied summarily. “I thought you might have trouble adjusting, after the intense amount of stress you’ve been through recently.”

“Yeah? Well you try having your entire family murdered in front of your eyes and see how you feel!” I shot back at her, not caring that I was lashing out at her for no fault of her own.

She rolled her eyes. “I’ll forgive the irony of that comment for the fact that you don’t know my past.” She walked over and sat next to me, putting her arm around my shoulders.

“You… your family…”

She stopped me by putting two fingers over my lips. “It doesn’t matter. Are you going to be alright?” I nodded glumly. “Good girl. You’ve adjusted amazingly well… your entire world has been turned inside out multiple times recently. You’ll be fine.\"

I wasn’t sure if she was simply speaking in empty reassurances one gives a child, but I nodded and felt better anyway. “When will I see you again?”

She reached into my pocket, her fingers tracing my upper thigh through the thin fabric, and withdrew the schedule she had scribed upon it. “Tonight you’re scheduled for training with me. I’m looking forward to it.” She nuzzled me briefly and left, leaving me with a sort of empty longing that I couldn\'t identify.

***

My classes proceeded well after my first outburst. I got glances from my fellow students as I reentered the room, but after that contributed to the discussion and got several favorable looks and comments from Seline. After that, a course in mathematics covered some basic things I had already learned from my father, then finally an hour with a strikingly beautiful Sister with black tresses which trailed to her knees. She taught Customs of Illian and I was fascinated with her tales of the Hunt for the Horn and other parts of Illian culture. I found Rena waiting for me at the exit of the room. She wordlessly lead me up to her study, and after another six flights of stairs I was about ready to swear off ever changing levels in the Tower again. “Light, can you teach me to fly with the Power? Surely it would be a useful skill in this place.”

Her lighthearted laughter never failed to make my heart skip a beat. “T’would. But I’m afraid that no matter how good you get in the Power, you’ll never learn to hold yourself aloft. You can lift others, but yourself… it’s like trying to carry yourself with your hands… it doesn’t work.”

I scratched my head at her analogy. It didn’t make much sense, but I accepted the explanation. “Well… doesn’t mean I can’t wish.”

We walked into a new chamber. The other room had been her office, and I gathered that this was her bedroom. It was massive, featuring an obsidian black marble multi-tiered fountain in the center of the room. The tallest level of the fountain was nearly fifteen spans in the air, shooting water even higher, trailing down through the scores of levels until it reached the lowest basin, which was a shallow indent in the floor. Each level had miniature statues of legendary heroes, Jane Farstrider and his double daggers, Brigitte and her silver bow, others that I couldn’t identify. Her bed was similar to mine, though the coloring was the same near-black green of a Warder’s pants and shirt. Her room also had an ornate desk and a quarter of the room was empty other than two chairs and a small table with a tea set in the center. She took her place at one chair, pouring out two cups of tea into the teacups on the table then taking a sip and sighing contently. I continued to alternate between staring at the room and looking at her. She made a slightly annoyed noise and made a gesture for me to sit in my chair. I did promptly, feeling uncomfortable, then raised my cup of tea. I took a sip and gagged. The tea was thick, more viscous than tea should be, and sickly sweet. She gave me an amused glance. “No? Well, it’s an acquired taste, Domani tea. Something else?”

“I’m fine, thank you.” I replied, setting my saucer down. The Domani were all about excesses, and apparently that carried over into their beverages as well. She sipped her tea again, her eyes studying me, slowly going up and down my body. The silence grew longer, and I returned her gaze evenly and unchallenging. Finally the silence grew to an unbearable length. “Well?”

“Well what?” she replied evenly in that unbearably superior tone.

I tried to keep myself from growling. “Well… what are we going to do?”

She regarded me evenly. “Channel.” A harsh, one word command.

“What? I… I can’t.” I said, suddenly nervous again.

“No?”

“No! I don’t know how… I’ve only done it once...”

She was lit aglow with the Power, her voice dangerous. “Seize it!”

My brain was a tumble with fear and confusion. “I can’t!” I shouted back.

Her face twisted into a terrible visage of anger. “Then you’ll pay for your uselessness!” Flames gathered at her hands, and I could see the red threads of heat knotting. I shrieked and reacted. Thick threads of spirit snapped the threads of fire violently, and she fell back into her chair as though physically struck. Her expression changed to one of happiness. “Good.”

I was frozen in a pose with my hands half raised, shielding my face from the incoming attack. I stared at her. “… what?”

She looked apologetic. “I was testing a theory. You have a Block, like all Wilders. A certain emotional state you need to be in for you to channel. Yours is terror.”

I slowly lowered my hands, feeling anger build in me. “You were testing me? You could have told me…”

“No… no I couldn’t have. Then you wouldn’t have actually been frightened.” She purses her lips. “I don’t suppose you could repeat that?”

I thought it over. “No… I don’t even know what I did.”

“It’s called Cutting… using your own spirit weaves to break weaves of another Channeler. It’s a very advanced technique. Amazing…” A beat. “Please try to repeat it?”

I blinked. “Well… alright.” I closed my eyes, trying to recall every detail. The fear… the defensiveness… I finally sighed. “No good.”

She glowed with the power again, and I shied back in defense. “No, don’t worry. I’ll never repeat that. You should get used to me embracing the Power near you… it will happen quite a lot during these lessons.” The table with the tea set slid along the carpet to my right almost five feet, getting out of the way between us. I could faintly see threads of something around the legs, but I had trouble making it out. I felt my chair lift into the air a bit, then move towards her a bit, leaving only a half span between us. She was close enough to touch, and radiant with the Power. “Jessara?”

“Yes?” I replied, feeling a bit of heat spread throughout my body.

“Do you feel that, right there?”

My body ached for her touch. I shook my head, swallowing with difficulty.

“You can feel yourself attracted to me, can’t you.” I swallowed again. She was right, I knew. The heat was growing… and I felt as though I needed to close the gap and kiss her until my lips were numb. “It’s normal… the more of the One Power I hold in me the more acute the attraction will be.”

“It’s… not real?” I asked carefully. I began to feel tiny pricks on my arms as goose flesh rose. I couldn’t help but shiver.

“It awakens the slumbering sensuality within, just as aphrodisiac might provoke a lover. Man or woman… a person who has no desires of intimacy with a female will feel nothing.” She released most of the Power, leaving me with only the slightest perception of light haloing her, but the desire welling up in me barely subsided. “Aes Sedai learn to control how much they suffuse.”

“And before I’m Aes Sedai?”

She raised an eyebrow. “The more you train, the more potent your aura will become, until you yourself learn to control it. The apex point between strength of power and lack of control usually comes late in your time as Accepted. For this reason, the Accepted are usually very sexually active, no matter what Ajah they enter.”

I shifted uncomfortably. “You speak of such things so easily…”

“And the fact that you’re uncomfortable with it shows how far you have to go before you understand yourself.” She looked at me carefully. “You’re resisting. You… don’t approve of intimacy, do you.”

I sighed bitterly. “It feels good, sure. But it’s against everything I was taught… and so close on the heels of my parents…” My eyes fell downcast. “You… you have five males…”

“Yes, and I love all five of them.”

“But… that’s wrong.”

“You, who have never been in love with anyone, deem yourself fit to pass judgment upon my relationships?” I flushed with anger, but she shook her head with a small grin, taking the sting out of the insult.

“Love is supposed to be between a single man and a single woman.” I said with surety, then paused. “Isn’t it?”

“Love… love is a word which is a difficult one to use in a discussion. On the surface, it’s simple. Everyone knows what love is. Yet depending on the context, it can mean very different things.” I looked at her intently, listening. She sighed and continued. “A person can love their family, love their friends, and love their mate… each in a very different way. To add layers of complexity, people say they love their mate, yet each person does so in a different way.”

I shook my head. “That makes sense in a way, but…”

“You’ve been raised to try and fit the ideals of love into a certain framework. But love doesn’t get shoved into anything… it simply is. Love, to me, is very strong bond of friendship. The knowledge that I would give anything and everything I had for each of them, and that they would do the same for me. They don’t have to ‘share’ me… each relationship with each Warder simply is.”

I stared at her in mute thought. “I… I guess I can understand that. It makes sense... but… I don’t…” I trailed off.

After giving me time to start again, and realizing I wasn’t going to, she continued. “Don’t worry about trying to change everything in your life in one day. Some things exist because they must. Society will force most people to conform their ideals of love into a mold which generates a stable family unit, fit for raising children. That’s fine, but some people don’t want to do it that way.” A beat. “Don’t force it. Things which develop naturally are the best.”

“Is there a rule against…” I had trouble articulating it. “us…” My voice failed.

Rena understood regardless. “The only rules we have are the ones you and I put in place.” There was a long silence, and I daresay that Rena was as uncomfortable as I. “Jessara… you will need to eventually learn to become comfortable with yourself. That doesn’t mean you need to be shameless, or to act on every instinct you ever feel. You’ll need to decide for yourself where you draw your own lines. But perhaps the most important lesson I can ever teach you is how to recognize the lines that you’ve drawn for yourself and the lines that have been drawn for you.”

I sat for a moment, still feeling the after effects of holding the One Power. I could feel my senses still amplified slightly… the texture of the chair against my skin, the thudding of my heart in my chest. I yearned for her, and she was so close. But insecurities and internal barriers had sprung up again, and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I could feel the heat on my cheeks, the now almost familiar lightheadedness. “So… how do I train in the Power if I can’t figure out how to do it?”

“You have to break your Block.”

I looked at her, puzzled, a red swelling in my vision and my mind, distracting me. “I… how do I do that?”

“Once you have channeled the Power of your own will instead of because you are frightened, the Block will be broken.”

“But… that is paradoxical. I can’t channel the Power of my own will until my Block is broken.”

“A quandary indeed.” She murmured in return. “The solution involves you tricking your own mind… each Wilder is a unique case in how. But… I have an idea for you.” Light filled the air around her. I shivered, feeling the repressed desire pool inside me, building.

I realized my own body’s movement, unconscious actions taken of my own accord: I was sitting at nearly the edge of my seat, leaning forward. Less than a span separated our faces, and I looked at her carefully. Her skin was a rich pink, and her hair a glimmering auburn, the locks spilling down over her back in waves. I could scarcely breathe, such was the hold her beauty had over me. She moved forward herself, until I could feel her warm breath upon my lips. Her warm, crystal eyes bespoke volumes, and I knew I could drown in them if I let myself. Her hand raised slowly, letting her knuckles and fingers trace down my burning hot cheeks slowly and gently. The backs of her fingers felt cool in comparison to my heated flesh, and with my eyes partially closed, I turned my face into the glancing contact. Her hand turned over and moved across my face, my moist lips lightly pecked her palm as she dropped it slowly back into her lap. What time passed, I don’t know, only that it seemed to me to be forever with our gazes locked. Her voice, the barest breath of a whisper. “Are you scared?”

I could do naught but answer from my heart. “Yes.”

Her lips closed the final gulf between us, locking with mine. The sheer exhilaration of the kiss was incredible. A tremble passed through my body, traveling from my legs up my body then down my arms, raising goose flesh where it ran. My hands gripped piles of her silken locks, keeping her close. Her hands, for their own part, gathered the hem of my Novice dress, fingers tracing my smooth skin, pulling it up until it pooled on my upper thighs. Her hands grasped me, abolishing the final distance between us, letting our legs interlock. Her knee slid between my thighs, parting the gathered upper and lower sheets of my dress with ease and her knee brushing lightly at my bare loins. I drank from her as though I had been dying of thirst, cradling her head with my hands and pressing our embrace together. Her tongue danced with mine, and I basked in her scent, the hints of her own arousal mixing with mine. The Power flooded into me, filling me with it’s sweetness. Every feeling amplified, my awareness doubled. Maddeningly, she gently pulled us apart, her hands still locked in a grip on my hair, her expression one of intensity. “Jessara… you’re going to be a wonderful student.”

My hold on the Power was tenuous at best, but it was there. “I’m… I’m really holding the Power?”

She nodded with a grin, her knee rubbing harder against my moistening loins. “The Block is gone. You’ve still got much training to do, but now it can begin in earnest.”

I could feel the greater volume of blood streaking through my veins, the rushing heat spreading throughout me, the pounding of my heart through my chest which she certainly must feel. I was quickly moistening, as her knee applied pressures in just the right spots. Then the knee slid back, and she scooted her chair back shaking her head. I felt an absence where it had been. I growled low in my throat, too caught up in passion to care about propriety or respect. She gave me a sharp look which finally brought reason back to my mind. “Jessara.” Her voice was gentle but firm. “Never, ever make love while holding the Power. You’re likely to kill yourself.” I slowly nodded, embers of desire burning hot inside me. I felt the Power slip away, like a volume of water finally running through a sieve when I had impossibly managed to keep it in for a short time. I was frustrated, but I rose and turned. She whistled, and Garret’s trim form entered and leaned against the interior of Rena’s door frame, an immaculate smile upon his face. “I had him summoned, to show you to your new room.” I sucked in my breath, looking back to her, then back to Garret. Holding back every instinct I had to rush over and leap into his arms, I slowly glided my way over her floor, giving him a smile of poise and grace, and extended an arm. Garret interlocked his own arm with mine, and I looked back to Rena. We had but a momentary look to settle things between us, so I simply gave her a nod of thanks. She was frustrating and strange, but I loved her dearly for all she had done. Her expression back to me was one of… I struggled to place it. Her eyes were narrowed but warm, and her mouth was drawn up in almost a pout. Was it… envy? I decided to think upon it later.

Rena had me assigned to a room on the same level as her, so there were no more staircases for me to complain over. Still, the journey took nigh a minute, and my mind made its way over my situation and what I would do. When we arrived at my door, Garret dropped my arm and bowed deeply. “Novice, I take my leave.”

I grabbed his arm as I opened the door. “No… no you don’t.” I laughed. His startled yelp as I dragged his semi willing self into the room made it all worth it. I quickly bolted the door behind him and turned upon him as a feline upon prey.

He made one last valiant attempt, and I suppose it summoned some grudging respect for him, though I’d have no part of it. “Jessara, don’t you think that… we should… maybe wait for…”

I tackled him onto the soft purple covers of this new bed of mine. “No… no I don’t.” I purred to him.

Though to look back upon it as I transcribe this, I perhaps struggle to find justification for my forwardness. Some may say that I need no justification, that my actions were good and desirable. Others will look upon me and call my behavior inappropriate. Being in either camp myself depending upon my mood, I won’t take favor to either side. However, to those detractors, I’d just defend myself by reminding them of the effects upon a woman when she first drinks of the Power willingly. It’s an incredible rush to have the command of the Five Elements like that, and you become intoxicated with the power. Regardless, I’ll simply tell my tale the way it occurred.

He struggled no more, wrapping his hands around my midsection and rolling with me so he was on top. I continued the momentum so that I was astride him again. This kisses never stopped, though sometimes they paused for a moment for us to regain our breath. His hands reached down and untucked my Novice’s dress from under my knees. It reached below my knees while I stood, but while kneeling over him, it proved no barrier. He simply slipped his hands underneath and cupped my rear. I ground against his waist, feeling his thickness through his pants. My breathing was ragged, and I pulled his lower lip up and nibbled it gently as my fingers deftly unbuttoned his shirt. His hands ran up my back as I lay pressed to his muscular chest, lifting the soft white dress up above my midsection. I was, as he knew well, bare beneath that, and his one hand returned to my exposed self while the other traced gentle patterns across my back while keeping the dress from slipping back down. For my part, my arms were enwrapped around Garret’s head and I kissed him as deeply as I could manage. His errant hand cupped my mound from behind as I lay crouched on him, softly stroking me. I murmured something encouraging through the kisses, and he slid a single digit inside me. I gasped loudly, startled out of the kissing frenzy, and rested my forehead upon the pillow next to his face as I basked in the sensations. He slid deeper inside me in his thrustings, and I felt my muscles go weak. He was moving his position from out from under me, though I could barely think for his finger inside me. He turned me onto my back and knelt over me, and when I cracked my eyes open, his face was hovering above mine, watching me intently as he worked. I felt those recently discovered muscles to begin to tense, bracing for the eventual end, and relished in it. I found the willpower to loosely drape my arms around his neck and draw him to me, and though he seemed perturbed that he could no longer watch my ecstasy wrought expressions, I’m sure the kiss made up for it. His finger was inside my tight channel to the hilt, and I felt my hips bucking of their own accord, deepening the contact. My dress’ straps drooped off my shoulders, and it didn’t take him long to draw it below my chest and use his tongue there. The combined stimulus was more than I could take, and my mind tumbled down the red hazed path of climax. Every muscle in my body drew taught, my back bowed, and my voice cried out a single note of love. After that short eternity, I sagged back down to the bed’s surface, trembling like a leaf in the wind as I held him.

“So… are we even now?”

His voice showed the jest, but I nipped him with annoyance anyway. “Is that all this was? Paying back a debt?”

He shook his head, holding me as the last ripples of my orgasm subsided into afterglow. “No… of course not. I did this because I wanted to.”

He moved to pull away but my hands found strength and I pulled him back to me. “You don’t think you get to leave yet, do you?”

He smiled ruefully. “You want it again? My my…”

My hands ran over his smooth chest, and I shook my head. My voice was quiet and demure. “Stay with me tonight?”

His expression changed to seriousness. “I would love to.”