Boy Next Door

Notes: Um, I don’t know what’s happening anymore. I’m winging it. I started this with an entire idea nad everything, and the idea’s still there, I just don’t know what to do. So if the next chapters take a while to get out (oh, and I apologize for shortness ^_~), uh…it’s not my fault. *cheesy grin*

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Chapter Five: Rejection

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Weeks went by since the night of that disturbing dream, and Kyle and I had become something of a couple. I don’t know if you could call whatever we were doing dating, though; we mostly just hung out together a lot. He never came to my house, of course—I didn’t want him to meet my father—and every time he suggested something along those lines, I always found an excuse. Kyle sometimes kissed me, sometimes held my hand, but only when we were alone or in the privacy of his home. Whenever I tried something affectionate when others were around, he tensed, not pushing me away, but not wanting me to touch him either. I passed it off, assuming that he wasn’t the type to display affection in public.

The strangeness never registered in my head until right after the first track meet of the season. He had invited me to cheer him on, and despite Greg’s presence, I had agreed to go. I sat on the bleachers, on the side closest to the exit, and watched him compete. I still didn’t understand a lot of what went on, and when Kyle would start talking about it, I would smile and nod, adding an occasional “Oh yeah?” in the appropriate places. He knew his track slang made no sense to me, and he always teased me about it, but his antics were mild and harmless. He would laugh contagiously, and I always found myself laughing with him.

The day after that track meet, though, I sat at lunch, waiting for him to arrive. It was unusual for me to be at the table before him, and I wondered where he was. The bell rang, signaling for all students of the first lunch to be in the cafeteria, and all those proceeding to class to be in their seats. There was still no sign of Kyle.

Suddenly I heard hearty laughter somewhere to my right, a sound I usually ignored when in the lunchroom. I looked up this time, because I thought I heard something familiar in that crowd. At the very end of the long table behind the one where I sat was the entire track team, cracking jokes and adding to the chaotic nature of the cafeteria. I scanned through the group and suddenly my eyes locked with Kyle’s. His brown eyes flashed with guilt and he quickly looked away.

Hurt, I stared at my half empty bag of chips. Jealousy flickered through my mind, an emotion that I had been forced to push back since Kyle had joined the team. Over the weeks he had been becoming more popular, and my status was undeniably staying the same. He was the star, and I was the groupie. It was something I had desperately tried to ignore, but the feeling remained and intensified now as I saw him have his fun without me. The gaze at my chip bag abruptly became a harsh glare, and I didn’t notice that anyone was beside me until I heard a voice speak my name.

“Ryan?”

I ignored the soft call, but Kyle continued anyway, sitting next to me, his hand touching my thigh where no one could see.

“Sorry.”

“It’s nothing to apologize for,” I said neutrally, not looking at him. “You can have friends other than me. It’s okay. It’s not a bad thing.”

“No…I mean, I shouldn’t just… Hey, I have practice this afternoon,” he said, changing the subject.

I nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

The fingers on my thigh curled nervously. I could tell he was uncomfortable, but I felt that there were no words for me to say that would make him feel more at ease.

“Do you want me to sit with you?”

Only then did I meet his eyes. “Only if you want to.”

He gaze shifted between the track team and me. “Yeah…”

We sat in awkward silence for a long three minutes, and he took his hand from my leg to rake through his hair. I ate my chips quietly, not talking to him, and knowing that he would rather be with his other friends instead of sitting at the table with me. I finally sighed and turned to him.

“Look, Kyle, you don’t have to stay here. You can go back to your table if you want.”

Kyle stared at me, his expression uncertain. I rolled my eyes, plastering a smile on my lips.

“Go on,” I said, pushing him lightly. “I’m a big boy.”

He returned my fake smile with a half-smile of his own. Hesitantly, he stood and walked back over to his new table. I frowned as soon as his back was turned, watching the girls who whored themselves for any jock flirt and hang over Kyle. He blushed and did nothing to push them away. The only thing that kept me sane was that he didn’t do anything to provoke them either.

After school, I waited for him in front of the gym like always. When he arrived, we walked silently to the football field together. Kyle was distant, his eyes far away as we crossed the parking lot. As we neared the field, he slowed his pace, almost to a stop.

“What’s wrong?” I asked after tiring of our laggard strides.

He glanced at me, seeming as if he wanted to say something, but stopped himself and shook his head. We returned to our normal speed, and I was forced to swim in my confusion alone. However, it didn’t take me long to figure out why Kyle was so reluctant to reach the football field, especially with me in tow.

Greg bounded up to Kyle, patting him on the shoulder with a grin on his face. His friends trekked behind him, shouting their greetings to Kyle. It was the same as usual, but there was something different in the air this time. They had now come to completely ignore me when I came walking with Kyle to practice, just pretending like I didn’t exist. However, as I walked towards the bleachers, I heard their voices carry over towards me. They weren’t even trying to whisper.

“Dude, why do you always let the fag tag along with you? He really cramps your style.”

I stopped, listening even though I knew I would regret it.

“We’re all going out for pizza after practice. Just ditch him and come with us.”

“No,” Kyle said, “I can’t do that.”

“Aw, you always were one of those nice guys.”

“Or…are you two going out, and that’s why you can’t seem to leave him alone? I never thought you were a fairy, but…”

It was Kyle’s response that stung me the most.

“What? No, of course not. Why would I date him?” he said quickly, laughing it off as if it were some kind of joke.

I balled my hands into fists, continuing on to the bleachers, dropping my things heavily onto the metal. It was obvious now why he never touched me in public, why he never acted like we were together. He was willing to sacrifice our relationship in order to maintain his popularity. I felt burning tears sting the corners of my eyes. I pushed them back, not wanting to look like the fag that I apparently was.

This fucking track practice couldn’t be over fast enough.

I sat on the bleachers, staring at nothing for two and a half hours, letting the sun bake my skin. The occasional breezes blew my dark hair into my face, but I didn’t push it away. The rejection settled into my heart and I felt as useless and pathetic as everyone else saw me as. This was the closest to heartbreak I had ever been, and I wished that Polly were here with me to ease some of the pain.

Time seemed to slow just to spite me. Every minute I was checking my watch. I tried to pass the time with homework, but my concentration was sorely lacking so I shoved it back into my backpack. I desperately wanted just to walk to my house, and I more than once contemplated starting on those ten miles homeward.

When it was all over and Kyle finally came dragging up to where I sat, I glared at him angrily. He tried to smile at me but I ignored him, stepping past him towards the gate.

“Hey,” he said, stopping me as I reached the parking lot. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s—?”

My voice stopped and my mouth just flapped open and closed in disbelief. After several attempts, I gave up and shook my head, continuing to his car whether he followed or not. His footsteps sounded behind me until we had sat down in his Mustang. He didn’t start the engine; he stuck the keys in the ignition and just stared at me.

“Are you okay?”

I blinked a few times, not knowing where to start. “I don’t see why you’d care. I’m the fag you would never date.”

“What…? Oh…” He looked down into his lap, then said softly, “You heard that?”

“Just…don’t worry about it. Take me home and then you’ll be free to go eat all the pizza you want.”

“Ryan—”

“Shut up, I don’t care.”

My voice was cold, and Kyle didn’t try to say anything more. We rode the entire way home in silence. The radio played Maroon 5’s “She Will Be Loved” and I mentally rolled my eyes in response to the lyrics. When Kyle stopped in front of my house, something he usually didn’t do since he lived just next door, I left him without a word of goodbye.

I slammed closed the front door of my house, not caring that my mom would fuss. And of course, she came around the corner with Ian not far behind, her eyebrows drawn together, a frown on her face.

“Ryan? Are you all right?” I didn’t reply and she sighed. “Look, I’m going to the store. I’m leaving Ian here with you, so if your father calls, tell him I’m in the shower. I should be back before he gets home from work.”

I shrugged and she kissed me lightly on the forehead. Ian and I stood in the living room, listening to her close the door and listening to the car as it left the driveway. Once she was gone, I stared at my younger brother and forced a smile on my face for him. He was eight years old, blond haired like our mom with green eyes just like mine. Light freckles adorned his cheeks and I was reminded of Kyle. I pushed any thoughts pertaining to Kyle out of my head.

“Ryan, why are you so mad?”

I shook my head. “No reason. Don’t worry about it. Are you hungry?”

“Nope. I just ate. Can I talk to Polly?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Ian was short, even for his age, and I picked him up easily, resting him on my hip. I carried him up the stairs and into my room, where Polly greeted us happily. She flapped around in her cage, itching to get out. When I opened the little door, she hopped onto my arm, cocking her head at Ian. She cawed at him curiously and Ian shrank back, afraid.

“Don’t worry, she won’t hurt you. She likes you. If anything, she’s probably afraid of you more than you are of her.”

Ian smiled at me then at Polly. This was one of the few times he had seen her. Polly usually stayed in my room and since Ian wasn’t allowed there, a rule established by my father, he hardly ever got the chance to interact with her.

“She remembers me?” he asked me innocently.

“Of course. Who could forget you?”

Ian’s smile turned into a grin, and I held out my arm, silently telling her to go to my brother. She flapped her colored wings again, hopping to Ian’s shoulder. He squealed when she tried to peck lightly at his head.

“Love-bites…” I said when he frowned at me. “She does that to me too.”

His bright smile was back again, now that he had been reassured that he had done nothing wrong. I watched the two tease each other, Ian holding out his finger and waving it in front of Polly, then pulling it away just as she reached out to close her beak over it. Polly would lightly tap him on the head in response. It made me smile, made me feel a little less shitty about my life, to see something as innocent as my brother having such fun with Polly.

We sat on my bed next to each other, and Ian cradled Polly in his arms, rubbing her chest and stomach. It was one of Polly’s favorite positions to be in.

“Ryan? Why are you so mad?” he asked again. “Can I help?”

“You already have, kid. But don’t worry about it. It’s nothing you can fix anyway.”

“Is it daddy?”

I was quiet, but after a moment responded, “Not really. Not this time. It’s something else.” I patted him on the shoulder, smiling again for him. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

The hand that tickled Polly slowed and he stared up at me with his big green eyes. They were sad, worried for me. Despite how much my father tried to keep us isolated from one another, Ian and I were really close, and when one was upset, the other was instantly aware. I stared back at him for a long moment. Suddenly, he put Polly aside, letting her fly quietly in the air, and hugged me tightly.

“I still love you, Ryan. No matter what anybody says.”

I don’t think Ian really understood how much his words meant to me, but with a judgmental father and the rejection from the first person who’s ever shown any interest in me on my shoulders, his thoughts made me think that maybe I wasn’t such a loser after all.

The phone rang and Ian grinned, jumping up and rushing to answer it. I trailed slowly behind him, figuring it was either mom or dad, and I didn’t really want to talk to either of them.

“Hello?” Ian said into the receiver.

He waited a moment, listening to the other person on the phone. Then he nodded, as if the other could see.

“Yup, he’s right here.”

He handed the phone to me, smiling brightly. I took it from him and he ran off to play with Polly, who surprisingly was still flying around my room even with the door open.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Ryan? It’s Kyle.”

I was tempted to hang up in his face. “What do you want?”

“I just wanted to know if you wanted to go…out or something.”

“What, to get some pizza?” I asked caustically. He didn’t answer and I continued, “I can’t. I’ve got to stay with my brother.”

“Oh. Well…”

“Yeah. Sorry. Look, I gotta go.”

“Oh. Can I call you back then?”

“Probably not.”

Kyle was quiet for long moment, and I was about to say a quick good-bye and hang up when he spoke again, his voice soft as ever.

“Do you still want me to pick you up in the mornings and stuff?”

His question caught me off guard; I hadn’t actually thought about having to be in the car with him going to and from school. I didn’t really want to be on the bus again, but I didn’t know if I should actually ride in his car either, like I had forgiven him. It took me a while to find an answer for him.

“No. No, I don’t think so. I’ll just catch the bus from now on.”

“…Are you sure? Because I can take you—”

“That’s okay. I’ll be fine. Like I said, I gotta watch Ian. Bye.”

“Yeah…bye…”

I pushed the button on the phone to end the conversation, no longer wanting to hear his voice. Every word he spoke crumbled my resolve. I slid down the wall until my knees touched my chest. The phone slipped from my hands to fall with a dull thump to the carpeted floor. I rested my forehead on my knees and grabbed a fistful of my hair in both of my hands. A low growl of frustration emitted from my vocal chords.

“Ryan?”

It was Ian. Of course. Ian was always there.

“What’s wrong? Please tell me.”

I lifted my head up enough to look at him, pushing the tears back from my eyes. They were reddening, I was sure, but I didn’t want Ian to know any of what I was feeling. I felt like a little girl, crying over some guy and the way he had treated me.

“Don’t worry about it, Ian,” I said for what felt like the hundredth time. “I’ll be okay. Play with Polly.”

He pouted adorably, what he always did when he wanted his way, but it didn’t faze me. He could see that he was getting nowhere with me, so he frowned sadly instead. I knew he was upset, not because he wanted to know, but because he could do nothing to help. Ian continued to stand in front of me, so I pulled him down by the wrists and held him close in a tight hug. He returned the embrace with just as much force, looking up at me with hopeful eyes. I couldn’t smile back for him this time. Since track practice began, I had been holding back my tears, trying to be tougher than I really was, but with that look I shattered. Tears rolled down my cheeks nonstop, and in response water welled in Ian’s eyes too. Sitting on the floor in the hallway, we cried together.

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