Sinning by Default

Alex was walking home and had almost reached the front door before remembering that he was supposed to be grounded. Maybe no one had noticed his absence? Not very likely, and they would never believe that he had actually forgotten that he was supposed to come home directly from school, even if it was the truth.

He entered the house quietly, wanting to get to his room before someone confronted him. Unfortunately Nancy saw him as he tried to sneak past the kitchen.

“Alex! Come here! Where have you been?” She tried not to sound angry, as always, as if she thought he would break at harsh words; often he preferred David’s anger, it was better than the forced concern he got from Nancy. She was just trying to make him into another Joshua, another perfect son of whom she could talk proudly.

He entered the kitchen.

“Sorry. I forgot.”

“Forgot? Alex… I just don’t know what to do.” Did she ever? “Go to your room. David and I will discuss this with you later.”

Which meant she wanted to discuss him with her husband, trying to solve him if he were a puzzle. She could never have a confrontation by herself.

He left the kitchen, heading for his own room, the only place in the house where he did not feel completely like an intruder.


“Daddy! Daddy!” Jack opened his arms and collected his two daughters in a hug as they rushed into his apartment. He had not seen them for weeks.

“I’m going out for a couple of hours and they rather wanted to stay with you than a baby sitter, ” Melissa said, “I’ll be back to get them before eight.” And she left without further comments.

Lucy was ten now, and Angelica seven. They had not really understood why they had not been able too see their father for nearly a month. But now, when they were finally here with him, it did not seem to matter.

He cooked pasta, he played games with them. He tried to convince himself that he could be a good father, in spite of everything. He did not want to become one of those fathers that showed up once a week to bring his kids to the zoo or Mc Donald’s or some equally horrible place. He wanted to be a real part of their lives, someone with the right to have an opinion. And now it seemed that Melissa might give him a chance to do just that. He just hoped that he would not screw up.

And he did not think of a beautiful boy with green eyes at all during the evening.

But when he was alone in bed, staring into the darkness; he could not help thinking about soft skin that he once had tasted, skin that he had tried desperately to catch on white paper earlier this evening.

With a drawing of that half-clad body clasped in his left hand, he used the other one to give himself the relief he had longed for since the red haired boy named Alex had stepped into his classroom.


Alex tried to sketch an artist, and he found it impossible. The body was not a problem, he could remember clearly how the muscled arms, the flat stomach, had felt under his own desperately caressing hands. But he could not get the face right; it looked wrong, not at all like Mr. Winter, like Jack.

Alex felt slightly pretentious even trying this, knowing that the sketches Jack made of him would be far superior to his own amateur scribbling, knew that this pathetic attempt never could be shown to anybody, least of all Jack. But the urge to draw was strong this evening and the only thing he could think of was Jack, he longed to feel the other man’s hands on his body again, longed for something more that the heat of his gaze. Yet he knew that if the gaze was all he could have, he would accept that gratefully too.

A not quite hard knock on his door interrupted his thoughts.

“Yeah.”

David and Nancy entered, David looking determined, his wife merely nervous. They did not sit.

“Your mother and I had a long discussion,” David begun, and Alex wanted to spit at the word ‘mother’, “And we think that you have problems that are not in our capacity to help you with.”

“Dr. Adams is a highly recommended psychiatrist, and his specialty is troubled youths.”

“You want me to see a shrink? You think I’m crazy?” He wanted to laugh but instead found himself fighting to hold back the completely unexpected tears that threatened to fill his eyes.

“We know you are not crazy,” Nancy assured him, “but you have been through a lot and we think that you could only benefit from this. Could you at least try to give it a chance?”

“Sure.” He might as well accept, he could go see some shrink, so they felt like they were doing something to help. Maybe they would leave him alone then.

“Ok, your first appointment is three a clock at Friday, don’t be late,” David said before they left, “and I hope you understand that you are still grounded.”

Yes, of course. Alex returned his attention back too his sketch, cursing the lines of the face that did not look at all like Jack.


Art class once again. Alex couldn’t help glancing over his shoulder, at Jack, all too often. And it felt like he was being scrutinized, yet every time he looked at Jack his gaze was on something else. This time he got to paint the face of Joel, a short, nondescript guy with glasses, in water color, in crayons and even in black ink. Experiencing different techniques. He wished he could paint Jack’s face instead.

When class finished this day Alex hung back without having been told to and when they were alone Jack asked, as he had expected, or as he had hoped, if he could come with him again, if they could continue.

“Sorry. But I’m kind of grounded. I sort of forgot the other day.”

“Grounded?” Said as if this was something that did not occasionally happen to all teenagers. “Are you in trouble?”

“Well, this weekend. I got home at three.”

“Oh….I see. That’s too bad. Another day then.” And it was not even a question.

Alex turned to leave, but found himself enveloped in a pair of strong arms, his face tilted upwards by steady hands. Hard lips pressed to his own. A hot tongue in his mouth. An erection growing against his stomach. Exploring hands. Exploring tongue. It lasted no more than ten seconds, but when he was gently pushed away he was already out of breath.

Dark eyes, dilated pupils. Alex felt caught as he stared right back, listening to his own rapid heartbeats. He tore himself away.

“I have to go.”

When he got home he still had a taste that was not his own lingering in his mouth.