Band of Rusty Gold

A/N: Lij is puppy-dog cute. So he has to stay. Sorry. Or..er.. not. See part one for disclaimers. Again, the original text has not been altered in *any* way.

---*---

*Orli and Craig make their escape. Lij is about to get out when Sean and Viggo are shoved roughly up through the trapdoor. Said trapdoor is bolted shut immediately after. Sounds of laughter can be heard, but they fade, and soon there is only darkness. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. For this is chapter 5 of Band of Rusty Gold, and it will have no mercy. Plus, there\'s probably more to come. We seriously can\'t wait to see which one of the boys she falls in love with. We\'re also looking forward to the inevitable description of their hair.*

Lij: *weeps* It\'s going to be me... I just know it is.

Vigs: What\'s this now?

Sean: *looks* *does a double take* What the fuck, is this *still* carrying on??

Lij: Some wankers keep telling her it\'s good so that she\'ll write more. I can\'t think *WHO* would do such a thing!

Vigs: What are we doing?

Sean: *looks at Vigs, something akin to pity in his pale, cerulean, windswept eyes...* Kill me now?

Vigs: Huh?

Lij: You\'ll get used to hearing that. And saying it, too.

Vigs: So... what are we doing again?

//Chapter 5: Jobs and properties

‘You have one mail in your in box’//

Vigs: *jumps* Who said that?

Lij: The dumb bint who wrote this horse shit.

Vigs: Why are we here?

Lij: Is that an existential question, or...?

Sean: *head in hands* We\'re here because I cemented the window shut. *moans* Oh, God. What have I done....?

Lij: Shh, Sean. If we can make it through this chapter alive, we\'re going to be okay. *pats Sean\'s hand* They might take pity on us and let us out.

Vigs: Or they\'ll leave us here to rot.

Sean: *moans again*

Vigs: *closes eyes* That\'s a lovely sound. Keep doing that. *helps Sean out with making those sounds.*

//Ally looked transfixed to the screen,//

Sean: She looked it, but she really wasn\'t.

Vigs: Oh, I think I get what we\'re supposed to be doing now. *grins rather evilly*

//she hoped it was going to be the reply back from
the salon and not the junk mail you get asking ‘Do you want breast implants?’.//

Sean: Fuckin \'ell YES! Please. *groans*

Vigs: You want breast implants?

Sean: *whimpers* Don\'t stopppp...

//It had
been a few days ago since she had applied,//

Lij: Funny, I could have sworn it was only yesterday... Then again, she went to the rumpus pub in between.

Sean: The what?

Lij: Oh, you missed it. It was, like, so cool!

Vigs: *stares at Lij*

Lij: *blows kisses*

//she wondered if it was because she lived in
England//

Lij: Yeah, \'cause there\'s a three day time difference between London and L.A. Stupid wench.

//or if she wasn’t the one they were looking for.//

Sean: Or maybe aliens abducted her email en route?

Vigs: And sent it to the Gay Shagging Cats instead?

Lij: Who laughed, spit, and forwarded it to the Prime Minister?

Sean: No, no. The minister for education. So he could see what a GODAWFUL CRAPPY JOB he was doing..

//Without doubt she clicked on the
small mail icon at the corner of the screen.//

Lij: Yep, that\'s what she did alright. She certainly did!

//Ally swallowed, nervously as she waited for
the page to load.

From: optimum.com To: allyroberts@btopenworld.com//

Vigs: Can I borrow your laptop there, Lij?

Lij: *hands it over with a suspicious look* What for?

Vigs: *busily registering Ally on over a million Free Porn sites* Nothing, nothing. La de da. Nothing.

//Subject: Application received.

Ally gawked at the e-mail her eyes not daring to see what it had to say,//

Sean: Her eyes turned RIGHT around in her sockets. Her nose called out \"chicken!\". Chaos ensued, face parts battled. It was messy.

Vigs: Messy, but damned funny.

Lij: If she didn\'t dare to see what it had to say, why was she gawking at it, instead of RUNNING AND HIDING?

Sean: Which is what we should have done before this ever started...

//but she was
tempted, scrolling down she began to take in the e-mail.//

Lij: Absorbing it, like a mop soaks up shit.

//Dear Ms Roberts

Thankyou for applying. Your details have been forward to us and we greatly approve,
however we are aware of were you live and we would like to set up a meeting for you to
come over in the next couple of weeks. Please e-mail us back to clarify a suitable
meeting time. We look forward in your reply.

Sarah Lousia, Salon Manager//

Vigs: Interesting name, Lousia. Sounds almost like loser. About right for someone who couldn\'t outdo Ally at a spelling bee.

Lij: I think it\'s scary that they\'re already aware of were she lives... Where she lives, sorry. *starts to cry* I\'ve been in here too long. This is so not fair. *kicks seat in front of him, pouting*

//Ally almost jump off her chair//

Lij: Just.. didn\'t quite make
/
//and screamed in delight, she grabbed the packet of
Walkers ‘Salt & Shake’ that sat hungrily on the desk.//

Sean: What\'s the relevance of the crisps?

Vigs: And why are they hungry?

Lij: *covers ears* Somebody make her QUIET THE FUCK DOWN!

Vigs: What, she has a pet packet of crisps she\'s been forgetting to feed?

Sean: Believe me, everything in her life plays second fiddle to being a top makeup therapist in LA.

Vigs: What\'s a makeup therapist?

Lij: We\'ve been through this. It\'s a bit like a makeup artisit. Only. Not.

Sean: Kind of like her friend\'s really like her, but not?

Lij: Yeah, exactly. Only. Not.

//This was unbelievable,//

Lij: She got that right. I can\'t believe they gave *her* a job. Did they not *read* her application?

Sean: Which probably said something like: Hey you guys! I\'m, like, *so* perfect for this job. And *so* unemployed.. except for a job I have at a theatre. Oh yeah, and if I get the job, I\'m bringing all my friends, and there\'s nothing you can do to stop me so there, except the gay guy who\'s staying with his family, I don\'t know why. Love and kisses, Ally.

Lij: Only spelt worse, and with inappropriate punctuation marks.

Vigs: *sniggering quietly*

//Amanda can
shove her excuses up her ass.//

Vigs: Whose excuses? Whose ass? Who\'s Amanda??

Lij: How do *you* know about the gay guy, Sean?

Sean: *mumbles* Nothing. Nothing.

Lij: Listening at the door, were we? Revelling in our torment?

Sean: Who, me? *kisses Lij before he can answer.*

//Putting the packet of crisps back down//

Vigs: The crisps cried \'Noooo! Feeed usssss!\'

//she clicked
excitedly on the reply icon in the toolbar.

Dear Sarah Lousia

I would be privileged to attend the meeting. I’m available the third of February, if that’s
OK. Thankyou for taking your time to reply.

Ally Roberts//

Vigs: Well, what date is it now?

Lij: Somewhere around biting cold January, we think.

Sean: She\'s thanking them for taking so long to reply. That\'s nice.

//She pressed the send button and watched the rectangle bar//

Vigs: Must be one of those trendy new places. I went to a Circle Bar once. Very gay experience.

Sean: I\'ll show *you* a very gay experience.. *purrs*

Vigs: C\'mere Big Boy!

//swiftly change colour as it
scrolled along. ‘Your message has been sent ‘. she felt proud of herself, like the day she
walked out of the divorce court.//

Sean: I remember that day. With the new strength of power!

Lij: *pouts* Well, I don\'t remember it.

Vigs: Less talking, more fucking.

//She glanced at the digital clock at the bottom of the
screen ‘23:50’ she sighed and rubbed her tired face into her hands,//

Lij: *as Ally* *stares at hands* Aw, jeez. I rubbed my face right off! Again! Wait, how am I talking? This makes no sense! *amuses himself with this for ten minutes while Sean and Vigs fuck dirtily on the theatre floor. (Dirty Bean Seks just for Sugary Lime)* You guys? You guys done?

Vigs: SEEEEEEEEAAAANNNNNNNN!

Sean: ...I\'m spent.

Vigs: *pants* You say *pant* the most romantic *gasp* things.

Sean: I wub you? *bats lashes*

Vigs: *dubiously* Uh.. huh.

Lij: *finishes being violently ill.*

//suddenly realising
she hadn’t researched for a property, she groaned “I’ll do it tomorrow”.//

Lij: Tomorrow, tomorrow. Everything can wait till tomorrow. Well, missy, what if you wake up tomorrow and you\'re dead? HUH? Betcha didn\'t think about *that*, did you?

Sean: Uh.. Lij?

Lij: I\'m sorry. It\'s just.. I hate her. And I need a shag.

Vigs: *looks up* Give me a minute, alright?

Lij: Why couldn\'t Orli still be here? He\'d be up for it in no time...

Vigs: Are you calling me old?

Lij: Uhhhhhh... no. You got a complex??

Vigs: I thought I heard you say \"because Vigs is old and decrepit.\"

Lij: *looks at Sean.. mouths \'help me.\'*

Vigs: I\'ll show *you* \"up for it\".

Lij: *meeps*

Sean: *gets the popcorn*

//And with that
said she shut down and turned the humming screen off.//

Sean: Once she was safely shut down, the screen turned itself back on with some..er... cop porn. And started humming again. *hums Adagio For Strings while he waits for Lij and Vigs*

Lij: *emerges with glazed over eyes and rumpled, mussed, sexy-as-fuck hair.* --Author dribbles.--

Vigs: * adjusts clothing* Don\'t ever call me old again, boy.

Lij: *climbs up onto his seat.* I\'ll give you a few minutes....

//~***~
The next morning was like the morning before,//

Sean: Cold and pointless. Completely without hope. She should just give in and end it all. Slowly. Verrrrrrrrry slowly.

Vigs: Do we have a problem with this girl? *still licking his lips* I don\'t need a few minutes, Lij.

Lij: *ulps*

//Ally sat irritated at the computer,//

Sean: *as Ally* There. Now sit there and don\'t move. You got that, irritated?

//her
head rested on her left hand while her right hand clicked various links. None said
looking for a property with a reasonable price would be easy?//

Vigs: I don\'t know. Did they?

Sean: She should probably never listen to None\'s advice again.

//And finding the specific
area was hard enough.//

Lij: It\'s L.A. I thought she knew that already??

//She had lived out there before for a couple of months but it was
a long vacation her parents took her and her siblings on, maybe the house they had
brought was still there and if so that’s where she would go,//

Seaney tey took a whole *HOUSE* with them?!

Vigs: She only just thought of that, after days of trawling internet sites?

Lij: Why buy a house for a vacation? There are affordable hotels over there too.. *backs off as Vigs gives him \'that\' look*

//she grinned to herself as
she closed each window down and swirled around on her chair to pick the phone up,
when it suddenly started to beep.//

Sean: Her telepathic powers are astounding.

Lij: Don\'t phones usually ring?

Sean: *shrugs* Could be a cell. She\'s ladled on the description before, and now when we need it.. where is it? Eh? I\'ll tell you where. It\'s waiting for someone with hair to come along.

//“Hello ... Oh hi Shal ... yea i received it last night ... it said they want a meeting, I know ...
I was just about to phone my mum ... well we have a house out there remember ... yea
OK cya later”//

Vigs: Kyah? Kia? Sia? What is that? *points at cya*

Lij: Don\'t know, don\'t care. *whistles, willing it to be over soon*

Sean: That was a thrilling conversation. Totally relevant to the \'plot\', I\'m sure.

//Ally put pho phone on the hook then lifted it back up, punching in the numbers.//

Vigs: I find just pressing the keys works pretty well.

Sean: She does *everything* aggressively. Get used to it.

//~***~

“Hello” A lady with short long, blonde hair with a tint of grey answered, her voice soft
and elegant.//

Sean: HAH! See! There\'s that description now!

Lij: I don\'t get it. Is the hair long, or is it short?

Vigs: Must be a multi-choice story. Used to love those as a kid. The length of her hair could have a great effect on the outcome, so keep watching..

Lij: I\'d rather not. *pauses* I have another question.

Vigs: Shoot. Her, shoot her!

Lij: *sniggers* How can she tell what the lady\'s hair looks like over the phone?

Vigs: uh... You\'ve got me. One of them new-fangled video phones?

Lij: You really *are* old.

Vigs: *pounces*

//“Oh hello dear... Of course you can come over”

~***'/

Sean: Short, but to the point.

//“Thanks mum ... I’ll be over in a few minutes” with that said she put the phone back
down and sighed. Her mum didn’t live to far only on the out skirts of London which only
took ten minutes.//

Sean: I\'m impressed. Usually takes me about an hour. Of course.. we don\'t actually know where Ally lives. *sighs* All we know is how brown her hair is, and how green her friend\'s eyes are, and how gay that hairdressing guy is. *looks at Vigs and Lij, sighs again* So, is it going to take a few minutes, or ten? *pauses* The tension mounts.

//Ally grabbed her black handbag and grey coat and headed for the
door.//

Sean: Bitch! She left the grey fluffy gloves behind!

//Keeping in mind that the subject should be kept to the property instead of her
relationships.//

Sean: Lest we forget, eh? Thanks. We\'ll bear that in mind.

Lij: *loud moan*

Vigs: You like that, huh? SAY my name, Bitch! SAY MY NAME! WHO\'S YO\' DADDY? *nods to...er.. everyone*

Lij: Yooooou arrrre......

//~***~
Ally gave a chest cough//

Sean: That\'s gotta hurt.

//as the taxi pulled up into the long and winding drive way of the
country house,//

Sean: ...in London. Or on the outer skirts. As opposed to being on the petticoat. *looks at Lij and Vigs* I can\'t do this on my own. *gets a glass of cold water. Pours it on Vig\'s head.*

Vigs: *Jumps off Lij*

Lij: *jumps up and tries to strangle Sean*

Sean: *choking, manages to wrap a hand around Lij\'s \"unfinished business\" --author: *snickers*-- and jerks*

Lij: muhhhhhhhhh. *folds in on himself*

Vigs: Nice job, Sean!

//she looked out at the red brick house that seemed to have thick, red ivy
crawling all over the front,//

Sean: *sits back down* Seemed to, but didn\'t really.

Vigs: Crawling ivy? It\'s *alive*! Get out of there! Run, run for your lives!

//making the window and doors just about visible.//

Sean: That\'s some clever ivy, right there.

//She shook
her head thinking her mother should really get it taken off or trimmed.//

Lij: That\'s getting a bit personal about her mother, isn\'t it??

Sean: The *ivy*, Lij. The ivy. I think.

Lij: Maybe she means her mother should get her head.. Ally\'s head.. taken off?

Vigs: What\'s her mother doing with her head??

Sean: *gets a headache*

//Her father used
to do it but sadly he passed away gracefully two years ago and never i n her life had she
seen her mum so torn apart.//

Lij: Is this the same mum who later says that men arod fod for nothing?

Vigs: *slaps hands over Lij\'s mouth* Don\'t give away the ending!!

//“Wait for me” she said to the taxi driver. He looked at her through the mirror and gave a
nod as he chewed on a piece of extra.//

Sean: Extra what? An extra from the cast of this fic?

Lij: Eew..

Vigs: How can you look at someone through a mirror? What, is his cab a portal to another dimension?

Lij: Coooooooool.

Sean: A MarySue popped her head through the mirror, saw she wasn\'t yet in Middle Earth, apologised and left.

//She gave another awkward cough as she heard her boots crunch against the stones that//

Vigs: Yeah, I always feel awkward if I hear my boots crunching.

//laid up the curvy drive way, finally she got to the door without tripping up like she did
when she was young.//

Lij: Nuts.

//She smiled as she pressed the bell, hearing a the long ring.//

Vigs: Yay, another multi-choice. *crosses out \'the\'* There. Let\'s see where that takes us.

//Soon enough the large brown door opened,//

Sean: I love the doors. They\'re all so... well-described. Like the hair. Only. Not.

//an elderly lady who must have seemed to
be in her early fifties//

Sean: *as elderly lady* Yes, dear? Can I help you?

Vigs: Seemed to be in her early fifties, but was in fact over three million years old!

Lij: Yeah, sure. She *must* have seemed that way. Of course. Who are we to argue?

//smiled at her, she had long soft blonde hair and bright brown eyes
that complemented her fair features.//

Sean: So.. is this the same woman she was talking to on the phone?

Vigs: *as the lady\'s eyes* My, your features are fair. I might just have to consult with Nose and write a poem about them.

Lij: Facial features sure do a lot of talking in her stories, don\'t they?

Vigs: I\'ve got some other bodily parts that require some conversation, Lij. *winks.. in a dirty kind of way*

//“Hello Ally come on in the kettles boiled” she saovinoving to the side to let her second
child in. Ally was the second oldest of four children, there was her two brothers mike and
Carlos who had emigrated to Japan for they worked with computer technicians and then
there was her and Char.//

Sean: Quick! Introduce everyone in one breath so we don\'t have to hear about them EVER again. Because, let\'s face it, they\'re totally irrelevant. Only Ally matters.

Lij: We didn\'t get a description of the other kids\' hair, though! I feel so cheated.. *pouts*

//“So how are you coping? was the trial hard? Is he still bothering?”//

Lij: Trial? I thought she was just divorcing him?

//Questions, questions and questions was what Ally only heard from her mum, she rolled
her eyes as she walked into the large, spacious kitchen.//

Sean: Nobody else ever asked her questions. Just her mum.

Vigs: The kitchen was large and spacious. Just in case you didn\'t get it, it was *big*, okay?

//“Mum I want to know about that house you and dad brought in La”//

Vigs: La what? La Bamba?

Sean: Don\'t beat around the bush, Ally.

//she glanced up from
the kettle to the graciously old lady//

Lij: Her MOTHER. Who wasn\'t *that* old. Really.

Vigs: *eyes Lij with a smile* Thankyou, my little lovemuffin.

//that had seated her self at the round table.//

Lij: King Arthur and his knights looked on.

Sean: She doesn\'t have respect for her mother, does she?

//“Well what do you want to know?” the lady asked looking at her daughter all the while.//

Sean: As opposed to looking out of the window, which would just have been plain rude.

//“Have you sold it?”//

Sean: Again, don\'t beat around the bush.

//The lady gave a slight cough//

Vigs: Something fishy going on with that lady.

Lij: A slight cough as opposed to what? A full-blown, knock-the-roof-off cough??

//and shook her head “No .. well i was going to but ..” she
rambled on about how Ally’s farther spent an arm and a leg for the property.//

Sean: Really. No respect for her mother. Old people rambling on.. such a stereotype!

Lij: \"Luke. I am your farther.\" *as Luke* \"Farther than what?\"

//“Why dear?” she answer with curious eyes.//

Sean: As opposed to answering with her mouth. Voice. Thing.

Vigs: Alright there, Seanie-wawnie?

Lij: *throws up*

//“Well I’ve found a job out there and i couldn’t find a property of my own and I was
thinking if I could have it”//

Sean: I\'m too much of a lazy cow to find my own place, lady. Cough up the keys, or I\'ll send \'the boys\' round for a little \"chat\".

//The lady looked at Ally carefully,//

Lij: As opposed to haphazardly.

//she was always the tight parent,//

Vigs: In fact, she was the *only* parent. Ally\'s \"farther\" had passed away gracefully.

//very stricked//

Lij: Very what?

//and
didn’t let her children get spoiled to often.//

Sean: Just to often enough.

//Ally stared back her eyes almost in plea, this
was her only chance.//

Vigs: Almost, but not quite. Where is plea, anyway?

Lij: The place where her eyes almost live, apparently.

//“Of course you can, i don’t use it and soon I’ll just give up paying the tax for it” she
smiled.//

Lij: *whispers* Isn\'t that illegal?

Sean: Her mum\'s such a rebel!

//Ally grinned even though her mum just wanted to get rid of it because of the tax and
bills//

Vigs: Well, waste not want not.

//“Thanks mum” she smiled as she brought to mug over to the table and sat
opposite the lady.//

Sean: Nothing.

Vigs: Nope, nothing here either.

Lij: *thinks for a minute* *shrugs* No, nothing.

//“So how are you as a divorced lady?” her mum stared at Ally, suddenly making her feel
uncomfortable.//

Sean: I didn\'t know they were all nobility now. All these ladies, I should go and put me posh keks on.

//“I’m fine, nothings changed really” Ally replied back//

Lij: Aside from the fact that she\'s not married, she\'s getting a job in L.A. and moving away from the London flat which she now shares with HERSELF?

//“I told you, you know, don’t marry the first person you meet. You do better off with out
men you know”//

Sean: Says the woman who was married to Ally\'s \"farther\" for a good portion of her life.

//Ally gulped half her tea down her throat, ignoring the catty comment.//

Lij: Choked, keeled over and died.

//“Well i have to go, the taxi is waiting, thanks again mum”//

Vigs: Now she\'s got what she wanted, she\'s going to cut and run?

Liup, up, taxi\'s still got the motor running, even.

Sean: It\'s like a skewed bank robbery.

//she gave the lady a soft kiss
on her, lined and wrinkly cheek.//

Sean: I thought she had quite fair features?

//“Bye” she said and left, finally realising that she may
not have to see her mum again which she hoped, but not in nasty way,//

Vigs: How can you hope never to see someone again in a *nice* way?

//she loved her
mum more then anyone it was just the questions and the comments she gave off.//

Vigs: Good lord. You had to sit through... how many other chapters of this crap?

Sean: Too many.

Vigs: So... how do we get out of here?

Lij: *whispers* There is no way out...

Vigs: What about this huge hole in the wall?

*Billy peers in through a cloud of dust*

Billy: Hey there! What are you three doing in there?

Lij: We\'re SAVED! *runs forward, trips over some abandoned cop porn, knocks himself unconscious*

Sean: Poor little bugger.

*Sean and Vigs look at each other, climb over Lij and run for the hills*

*Billy climbs in and settles down*

Billy: Wonder what\'s on?


--authors: EVIL LAUGHTER---


To Be Continued.... unfortunately.