THERE'S NOTHING BEYOND THIS POINT

The Enterprise was hopelessly lost in a time warp. Even Spock

had no answers. It was bad, really bad. However, as luck would have

it they emerged in a galaxy very much like their own...only older.

Could they have gone back to an ancient age? Spock said yes, Kirk

said maybe, McCoy said "God dammit Jim, I'm a doctor not fucking

Einstein!"

They discovered a planet with breathable atmosphere. Captain Kirk

decided to lead an expedition down and look around...hey women

could be found anywhere. Kirk, McCoy, Spock, Picard and six guys

in red shirts went down. They found a beautiful planet...lots of

vegetation, a lovely blue sky, and abundant wildlife. They all took

a drink from a beautiful spring. "A helluva lot fucking better than

the shitty bottled stuff they recycle from shit on the Enterprise,"

McCoy said, giving his approval. Kirk took advantage of the sun

to take off his shirt and walk around. So far, no women.

Suddenly about a hundred filthy unwashed barbarian warriors broke

from the nearby trees and the Trek crew found themselves battling

for their lives. Their phasers worked great and they killed about

sixty or seventy of the barbarians before the ran out of phaser

gas. All of the guys in the red shirts were killed at once.

Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and Picard were rushed off to meet the barbarian

queen to see if any of them would make her hot. This pleased

Kirk although he was terribly depressed about losing the six

guys in the red shirts. Spock found it all interesting until one

of the barbarians sliced off one of his pointy ears for a keepsake

of their great victory.

The barbarian queen had huge tits...Kirk was impressed, McCoy

wondered if the woman had ever heard of a breast exam and Spock

felt it was illogical to think about big tits...however the human

side of him did.  That ball on his human side made him half erect

but he tried to hide it in case McCoy would snicker.

Picard was bald and this was of special interest to the barbarians

because they were especially hairy dudes. "This proves my high

intelligence and virility," Picard explained. The barbarians

seemed puzzled. "I think he wants us to buttfuck him?" One

barbarian explained to the others...

The Queen admired Kirk's muscles. "Not bad," she said. She glanced

at Spock..."to fucking skinny, and why the fuck does he have one

pointy ear..whats up with that?"

She looked at McCoy..."Old but horny...a possibility, hes probably

great at easting pussy, let him live."

She was not impressed with Picard..."to bald and skinny...and old...

kill him!"

The barbarians howled in protest..."but we want to buttfuck him!"

"Very well...take him away, be sure to kill him later."

Picard was led away. The other trekkies were put in a dungeon. It

was nasty, stinky, filled with spiders, and a big pile of shit in

the corner served at the bathroom...and the only obvious source of

nourishment. A huge beefy dude scowled at them. He was heavily

chained and looked meaner than fuck. "An interesting specimen,"

Spock observed logically.

"I'll break  your fucking pointy eared ass in half and gnaw your nuts

off for my breakfast,"  the muscular stranger growled in an

extremely unfriendly voice.

"Good thing he's chained up," Kirk said. "I must say he must have

a fabulous gym membership though."

The huge man struggled mightily against his chains and cursed loudly,

"you gay looking mutherfucker, I'll rip that fucking toupee off your

head and cram it up your ass until you start pucking hairballs!"

Kirk was no coward but he kept his distance. "What do they call you...

err...friend.  We come in peace by the way."

"I am called Spongebob, come closer and blow me...you pansy ass faggot!"

Spock whispered in Kirk's ear..."perhaps we should befriend this

fellow. He could help us plan an escape...perhaps he is very

familiar with the layout of this prison."

"Good thinking Spock, we don't know shit truth be told...but how do

we proceed?"

"Let me handle that Captain..." McCoy said.  The doctor pulled a

hidden flask out of  his boot and handed it to the Barbarian.

"Drink up my friend, its the best hunch punch ever made on Uranus."

The Barbarian sniffed the flask then killed it. All was complete

silence for awhile, and then..."hell yeah!" The barbarian yelled

and pounded his chest...that's a real man's drink there son."

The Barbarian did a little dance and farted loudly. He was feeling

damned good. "Why the fuck didn't you give me a little taste of

that shit first Bones?" Kirk asked.

"God dammit Jim, you fucking lush...I'm a doctor not a God damned

bartender!"

"Hey guys, my name is Conan...Conan the Barbarian...sorry I was

in such a bad mood earlier...those Stygian jerks up there have

been torturing me a lot...and I ain't no pussy in days."

"Damn," a very sympathetic Kirk said. Then he continued, "if

we can get you free...will you help us escape this place and

get back to our ship?"

Conan scratched his head with his chain..."Ship? WTF?  There's

no water around here."

"Nevermind that now, will you help us?" Kirk asked.

"How are you gonna get me out of these chains?" Conan asked.

Spock stepped forward..."this calls for a Vulcan mind-meld...I

will link your mind to a mind that was linked to my mind...if

you don't mind of course? And no, I'm not out of my Vulkin

mind."

Conan frowned..."this one swills a lot of that drink you just

gave me that kicks like a mule but tastes like Rhino piss."

McCoy's face turned red and he balled up his fist. "You dirty

son of a bitch...I paid two dollars for that shit and now its

all wasted on your sorry ass. I've half a mind to inoculate

you for rabies you big hunk of horseshit!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU!" Kirk shouted, "Get on with it

Spock, there may be something good on tv tonight. We got to

get the fuck out of here before Wheel of Fortune starts."

McCoy looked sheepish and stared at his feet, "you're right

Jim, I forgot all about The Golden Girls...Blanche is so fucking

hot!"

Spock did the mind meld, he melded Conan's mind to that of a  huge

water buffalo that he Spock had once melded with as a kid. The

results of this was a tremendous surge of strength that raced through

the already powerful muscles of the Barbarian.  The chains shattered!

The first thing Conan did was snatch McCoy up and put his face up

against the good doctor's "you ever call me a bad name again and

I will fix it so  you'll never have kids...in fact I'll fix it

so you will piss from your asshole and shit through your nose

before I'm finished...got that?"

Then Conan went to the door of the cell and ripped it down, he

grabbed the sleeping guard and broke his neck before taking

the man's broadsword and dagger. "Follow me you bunch of fairies,"

he ordered.

"Let's go men!" Kirk ordered, then..."whats that smell?

McCoy did you fart?"

Spock's expression didn't change, "actually Captain, I think the

Doctor shit his pants when the Barbarian accosted him."

"Fuck, I need a drink," moaned McCoy as they made their way out

of the dungeon

To be continued!!!...maybe