the silent screams of my life

Spending the next couple of weeks feeling like a zombie, trying to dodge my parents, trying to sneak out to my psychiatrist appointment as my dad had band me from going, he said “psychiatrists don’t so anything but make you believe your worse then you are, you go in a little depressed and come out thinking you have been abused”. he had a very jaded view on mental health which made it impossible for me to talk any sense into him.



Mr b came with me to psychiatrists as I was nervous of been alone in a room with any man, doctor or not.

I tried through my tears to explain what had happened with my dad, tried to explain how angry and broken I felt, told him if I stayed there id die, I know I would, how could I live like that. He encouraged me to find someone else to live but still felt my dad needed further investigation.



I left the hospital, (which was where my psychiatrist was based) in floods of tears, Mr b just held me he didn’t know what to say, and I felt guilty he should have to put up with me. I feel like everything is falling apart, like I am losing everything that was ever important to me, and I don’t know what to do.



That afternoon a friend at collage said she knew a landlord association that give houses to vulnerable people under the age of 18, and with me only been 17 and not old enough for a council house this was like a life line. She agreed to meet me in town and take me there, I was excited and scared. I wanted to be free so bad but at the same time I didn’t want to be alone.



I met up with her after collage and went straight to the landlords office, where I was interviewed, they agreed that I was in need of there help and said they had a property available, and that I could move that Thursday. 3 days I couldn’t believe how fast this was happening but I agreed immediately that I would take it. They said they would pick me up form my parent s at 10 o’clock on Thursday morning. Now all I had to do was pack.



When I got home I confronted my mum and told her I was moving out, she just looked at me and walked off, which made me so angry, didn’t she think I actually was, I tried to tell her again that I was leaving on Thursday but she just didn’t want to listen to me. I went to my room and started packing all the clothes I could into too small suitcases.



Thursday rolled around and by the time I got out of bed it was nine o’clock, I got dressed and went to the kitchen there was no sign of my parents, where would they go I told them I was moving out today.

I waited until 10 when my new landlord came to pick me up I give him my two suitcases and ran to the kitchen scribbling down a note that read

“I did tell you I was leaving today but I guess you had to go out, will be back on Saturday to explain”

Then locked the door and went off to my new house.



It was a house share so I was living with two men who were partners, it felt comfortable, nice, I didn’t say much for the whole day I was there just unpacked slowly, when mr b rang me from work to say;

“your dads been ringing my mum and me asking where your staying”

Why wouldn’t he just ring me?

At about 4 o’clock my dad rang and told me;

“if your not back home by 9 o’clock your no longer my daughter, I wont even spit on you if your laid in a gutter”



8 o’clock came around and I went down stairs to sit in the front room with my two house mates, counting down the minutes. I was so scared about what my dad would do. Would he really disown me? I tried to talk to him I tried to tell him. I got so angry I decided it was his own fault for not listening to me. (I’m not proud of it but I did). 9 o’clock came around then 1minute past then 2minutes past….. Nothing happened, I was expecting the world to end or some big event to erupt but nothing.



For days I never heard anything I just tried to get along with my own life, and me and mr b where having issues since I moved out, I didn’t blame him I blamed myself, I blamed myself for everything.