The Meaning of Passion

Chapter 4

“Sorry bout that. Head on up and put the movie in, I’m going to grab us something to drink and eat.”

“You sure? I can go with you.” He offers, I can tell Paul doesn’t want to leave me down here with Michel.

“I’ll be up in just a minute. Go on.” I push him up the stairs.

I walk away towards the kitchen and smile as I hear him walk up the stairs.

I enter the kitchen and open the fridge. I pull out a root beer for me and a Dr. Pepper for Paul. I close the door and almost drop the sodas.

“What the hell Michel?” He’s standing right behind the door, inches from me, scaring the shit out of me.

“I don’t think it’s such a great idea for you two to be alone up in your bedroom.”

My temper flares again. “Well guess what, it’s none of your fucking business what Paul and I do. Got that Michel? Now back off.” I push at his chest but he doesn’t move.

I glare at him and move around him. His hand shoots out and cups my hip, stopping me. He brings his mouth right up to my ear, making me shiver.

“Do you really think he can hold a candle to me? That was your first real kiss the other night, do you really think Pauly up there can really compare to me?”

I turn and look at him, a bit daze but also pissed.

“How dare you. You don’t know the first thing about Paul and I, and your ego amazes me, you know that. Just because you stole a kiss doesn’t mean you’ve ruined me for other guys. Get over your self and let go of me, now.”

He slowly brings his hand up, just brushing the tip of my small breasts. I gasp and nearly drop the sodas again.

“Easy sweetheart.” He says.

If it weren’t for the sodas I would have slapped him. I stomp past him and head up stairs. I stop at my bathroom and close the door. I set the cans down and turn on the water, splashing some on my face. I look up at my reflection and moan.

Damn him to hell. I grab a towel and dry my face and hands. Once I’m collected I walk into my room and find Paul standing looking out my window.

“Hey, here you go.” I hand him his drink.

“Nothing to eat?”

“Oh, um, sorry, nothing really worth waiting on.” I sit down on my bed and scoot up to the head board to lean on. Paul joins me and grabs the remote.

“You ok?” he asks.

“Yeah. Let’s try this again huh?” I smile at him.

He hits play and I lean into him and he wraps his arm around my shoulders.

I’m not that great at sitting still for long periods of time and it starts to show. I lay down and so does Paul. I lay my head on his chest, turned towards him. His hand lies on hip, his thumb stroking me under my shirt. This is nothing new, he knows I’m not that comfortable with my body, so he does this to make me feel better about myself.

I must have drifted off cause the next thing I know my head is turned up towards him and we’re kissing. It takes a while to sink into my mind what’s happening.

My hands cup his face all on their own and his free hand cups my face as he rolls us over.

I pull back then and look up at him.

The look in his eyes takes my breath away.

“I thought we talked about this Paul?”

“We did, and I tried Syd, I swear, but I can’t just be friends with you. I’m not strong enough.”

I lick my lips. “Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes Sydney, I’m sure.”

“But what if-“

“No buts, and no what ifs, just us Syd, me and you.”

I’m drowning in his eyes.

“Okay.” I say.

He moans and sweeps down and catches my mouth with his. I can tell he’s a little unsure of what to do so I help him. As I do thoughts jump into my head. Just Michel’s- oh hell no girl, don’t go there.

I run my tongue over his lips and he opens for me. He touches his tongue to mine and slowly takes control, exploring my mouth. It’s so sweet.

Once he’s comfortable with kissing his hand starts to move up under my shirt. My stomach quivers as his hand moves over it, going higher. Right under my breasts he stops and cups my rib cage, rubbing. He moves to my back and when I figure out what he’s up too I pull away from kissing him.

“Paul, slow down.” I say. I look away.

“I’m sorry, it’s just I’ve dreamed of this for so long. Your right, to fast.”

I look up at him and find hurt in his eyes. I cup his face and make him look at me.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, but we don’t have to jump right into this. Slow is good, we can both learn that way. Find out what we both like. Instead of rushing this, let’s just see where it goes, take our time?”

He nods and closes his eyes.

“I love you Syd.”

I push his hair back behind his ear and kiss him.

“I love you too Paul.”

We continue kissing softly, and even as nice as it is, I can’t help but think of the last time I’d been kissed.

Damn him. He shouldn’t be here, now, in my head.

Paul’s kiss is sweet and loving, where as Michel’s kiss was hard and demanding. It’s not fair to compare them, I mean sure Paul’s kissed other girls, but he’s still a virgin like me. Where as Michel is far from a virgin, very far. Where Paul is loving and kind, Michel is rough and controlling. And for the rest of my days I will hate him because even knowing this, I want his kiss over Paul’s.

This thought hits me from no where and I’m so lost I didn’t realize I had stopped kissing Paul.

“I should go, the movies over and you’re some where else.” He sits up and pulls on his shoes.

I push my self up and look at him. Quick Syd, think of something and save this from going very wrong.

“I’m sorry Paul, it’s just this is all new and I don’t want to do anything wrong. I care about you too much. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You shouldn’t worry about this Syd, just let it happen naturally, like you said. We’ll take our time and let it go where it will. If you worry about it to much, it will only hurt us both.” He cups my face and kisses me. I grab his wrist and kiss him back.

“Thank you for understanding.” I say as he pulls back.

“No big deal.” He pulls his movie out of the player and pulls on his coat.

A though hits me. “Why now Paul?”

He looks at me “What do you mean?”

“I mean, we’ve talked about this before and you were cool with it, so what’s happened to make you change your mind?”

He looks away, toward my door, and it clicks.

“It’s because of Michel isn’t it?” I ask.

He looks at me. He comes over and sits down next to me.

“I know how you feel about him, but there is still a part of me that fears that…some where deep inside you like him. And trust me when I say this, he wants you.”

“Paul that’s crazy.”

“No it’s not, I’ve known it since the first day he saw you. The look in his eyes said it all. He wanted you back then, and he wants you now. Thrust me, I know the look because I have it too where your concerned.”

I look up at him. “Paul, you’re wrong, he doesn’t like me any more than I like him. Trust me.”

He smiles and it nearly breaks my heart. He leans forward and kisses my forehead.

“Walk me down stairs.” He stands and holds his hand out to me.

I take it and we walk down to the door.

He opens it and turns back to me.

He pulls me towards him and wraps his arms around me; I cup the back of his neck with my hands. He leans down and kisses me.

It really is a very nice kiss.

Nice? Come on Syd, you do better than nice.

He pulls back and looks down at me. “Jessica is having a party this Friday after the track meet, want to put an appearance in?”

I look at the top button of his shirt. “We haven’t gone to one in a while, so sure, and lets make this public. What do you think?” I look up at him.

His smile lights up the entry way. I smile back up at him. He leans down and kisses me again.

“I don’t want to go.”

I laugh and push him out the door.

“Tomorrows another day boyfriend.” I say as I close the door. I lean against it once it’s closed, closing my eyes, smiling. The kiss may not be all that hot right now, but it can be, and besides, I trust him and love him. He and I can work through anything.

“So sweet.”

My eyes pop open, speak of the devil himself and he will appear. Michel’s standing next to the stairs, arms crossed, feet apart, looking ready to do battle.

“What do you want now Michel?” I ask as I stand up straight.

He just smiles and leers at me.

I shake my head. “I’m not in the mood to deal with you right now.” I start toward the stairs. Right before I take the first step he speaks.

“How do we compare?”

I stop and look up at him, he’s only inches from me. “Excuse me?” I frown.

“Come on sweetheart. How do we compare?”

I shake my head, totally confused.

“Once again, you’ve lost me. What are you talking about?” I cross my arms over my chest and face him fully.

“Pauly. How did he do?”

It clicks in my head.

“Fuck off.” I say, throwing my arms down and turning toward the stairs to go up them. His hand shoots out and catches my arm. I’m on the second step while he’s still on the ground level, making us even in height.

“That bad hum.” He smirks.

My hand itches to smack it off his face.

“No, you two aren’t in the same caliber in kissing, but that’s because Paul isn’t a man whore like you.” I pull my arm from his hold and take a step down. “And did you ever think that maybe a girl likes the fact that she doesn’t have to feel embarrassed because she’s not as experienced as the guy? That maybe she would like that fact that he is learning at the same time she is? That learning it together makes them care about each other? Making it better than any hot sex with a man whore like you could ever be?”

I look up at him and by the look on his face I’ve made him speechless. “Of course not, cause your Gods fucking gift to the female face. Get over your self.” I turn and head back up the stairs.

Right at the top he finally has a come back.

“I thought you were smarter than that, red.” I barely hear that last part as I turn back to him.

“And whys that?”

He crosses his arms again. “No girl wants her first time to be with another virgin sweetheart. You do know it will hurt right? Your head isn’t so far up in the clouds that you think it will be all perfect and pleasurable. Most guys can’t even control them selves their first time. Which means that he will just take what he wants and totally forget about you.”

My face heats as he bluntly says all this. I shake my head. “You’re wrong. Yes I know it will hurt the first time, but Paul isn’t like you. He cares about me and when the time comes, he will make sure I’m taken care of.” I blush even more at how I put that. “Damn you Michel, why do you even care? You didn’t even give a fuck about my personal life till now. Why? What do you have to fucking gain by butting in where you’re not wanted? All you know how to do is hurt people, you know that? I don’t know what I ever did to you four years ago to make you hate me, and I’ve put up with it. But now I’m done. Leave me the fuck alone and I’ll leave you alone. No more stupid pranks between us. Obviously our parents are for real about this marriage, so for their sakes, we need to stop. We don’t have to like each other, but we can at least be somewhat respectful to each other.”

My chest is heaving by now, and my face is hot, not from what we were talking about, but because I’m so worked up by what I just said.

His face is shadowed, but I could have sworn I saw something pass though his eyes during my speech. Something like pain and guilt. But that can’t be real.

I hear the clock in the hall chime twelve times.

“I’m going to bed.” I say. I turn away from him and barely catch what he says next.

“I’m sorry, it’s not your fault I am who I am.”

I stop but when I turn back around he’s gone.