Diary Numbers

\'Allo again. I\'ve got a few more for y\'all. Hope y\'all like \'em.



Disclaimer: "Origin of Love" belongs to the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch. "I\'d Come for You" belongs to Nickelback. I, Kitaro Jeevas, own neither of these songs. They just mean a lot to me. Finding My Other Half and submitting to them (if that happens).



warnings: more depression, swearing.



Note: refers to entry two.





100903 (2010, September 3rd)

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I\'m so fucking confused. Mama wants me to stay with her for the weekend while she\'s away, but I don\'t know if I want to. It\'s gonna be fucking hell to be in that house again.



But at the same time, I wanna see my family and the animals again. I wanna sleep in a real bed, not on the floor.



But I don\'t know if my sanity can hold for two days. I honestly don\'t know.



She\'s my mother. Yes, we hate each other sometimes, but she raised me. Albeit, it wasn\'t the greatest childhood and she wasn\'t the greatest mother but at least she tried.



She tried so hard and I spit in her face so many times. I was a complete bitch to her.



I don\'t know. Je ne sais pas.



What should I do? I don\'t wanna loose her but I don\'t think I can stay there. But, I feel like I should.



I\'ve left her, practically alone, to raise her son. I feel like I should help her with him. I want to be there to stop her when she looses control and tries to hurt him.



I want to protect him. From her.



But should protecting him come in between taking care of myself? Keeping my mind healthy? Stopping my from suicide?



That\'s what started this whole thing: a suicide note.



I\'d been thinking about it, but I wasn\'t actually going to do it. I\'m too much of a chicken.



I can\'t stand living and yet I\'m too afraid to die. To afraid of the unknown.



But, now that I\'m out of that house, I haven\'t been suicidal. Yes, the incident was a result of me forgetting to take my anti-depressants and some hurtful words on her part. And now I\'ve been taking my pills and I\'ve mostly not been depressed.



I did have a mild dip yesterday when I got (gently, but still) told off for taking a cup of pop. Stupid, right? But it just hurt so bad. Knowing that I\'m intruding on them, even when they tell me I\'m not, just scares me. Knowing that they could kick me out and I\'d have no say in it, honestly, scares the fucking shit outta me.



It just seems that I\'m not supposed to do anything here. Or if I do, I have to ask permission. When I do ask permission, I just feel like they\'re annoyed by my constant asking. But if I don\'t ask, then they get annoyed that I\'m taking without permission.



I don\'t know what to do. Fuck, I don\'t know anything at all. I\'m so fucking clueless and alone; I\'ve got no one to lean on. No one who will ride the bus with me, no matter how many times I ask them to, just because they wanna help me. No one who won\'t get mad just because I take a glass of pop.



Is it so wrong to want someone like that? Someone who will give me unconditional support, through anything? Someone I can trust completely, with everything?



But I\'m afraid I\'ll never find this person. Mou hitori no boku. L\'autre moi. The Other Me, My Other Half.



Where are you? I need you! Please, come find me. I need you, Mou Hitori no Boku. Please, come to me.



Or I\'d come to you. Whatever you want. Whatever gets us together the fastest.



Just, please, I need you. I feel so incomplete and unsure about everything and so alone.



Completely alone, even when I\'m surrounded by tons of people, I\'m still alone. Missing the other piece of me. Us, together.



><

"Origin of Love"

Hedwig and the Angry Inch



When the earth was still flat

and clouds made of fire

and mountains stretced up to the sky

sometimes higher

folks roamed the earth like big rolling kegs

they had two sets of arms

they had two sets of legs

they had two faces peering

out of one giant head

so they could watch all around them

as they talked; while they read

and they never knew nothing of love

it was before the origin of love

the origin of love



and there was three sexes then,

one that looked like two men

glued up back to back

called the children of the sun

and similiar in shape and girth

was the children of the earth

they looked like two girls rolled up in one

and the children of the moon

were like a fork shoved on a spoon

they were part sun, part earth, part daughter, part son

the origin of love



and the gods grew quite scared

of our strength and defiance

and Thor said "I\'m gonna kill them all with my hammer

like I kill the giants"

and Zeus said "No

you better let me use my lightning like scissors

like I cut the legs off the whales

and dinosaurs into lizards"

then he grabbed up some bolts

and he let out a laugh

said "I\'ll split them right down the middle

gonna cut them right up in half"

and the storm clouds gathered above

into great balls of fire



and then fire shot down from the sky in bolts

like shining blades of a knife

and it ripped right through the the flesh

of the children of the sun and the moon and the earth

and some Indian god sewed the wound up

into a hole

pulled it \'round to our bellies

to remind us the price we pay

and Osiris and the gods of the nile

gathered up a big storm

to blow a hurricane

to scatter us away

a flood of wind and rain

and a sea of tidal waves

to wash us all away

and if we don\'t behave

they\'ll cut us down again

we\'ll be walking around on one foot

and looking through one eye



the last time I saw you

we had just split in two

you were looking at me

I was looking at you

you had a way so familiar

but I could not recognize

\'cause you had blood on your face

I had blood in my eyes

but I could swear by your expression

that the pain down in your soul

was the same and the one down in mine

that\'s the pain

that cuts a straight line down through the heart

we call it love

so we wrapped our arms around each other

trying to shove ourselves back together

we were making love

making love

it was a cold dark evening such a long time ago

when by the mighty hand of Jove

it was a sad story how we became

lonely two-legged creatures

it\'s the story

the origin of love

that\'s the origin of love



"It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complementary? Does my other half have what I don\'t? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forcibly, or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarrass me? What about sex? Is that really how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?"



><

"I\'d Come For You"

Nickelback



Just one more moment. That\'s all that\'s needed. Like wounded soldiers in need of healing. Time to be honest. This time I\'m pleading. Please don\'t dwell on it cuz I didn\'t mean it.



I can\'t believe I said I\'d lay our love on the grund. But it doesn\'t matter cuz I made it up. Forgive me now. Every day I spend away, my soul\'s inside out. Gotta be someway that I can make it up to you now, somehow.



By now you\'d know that, I\'d come for you. No one but you. Yes I\'d come for you but only if you told me to. And I\'d fight for you. I\'d lie, it\'s true. Give my life for you. You know I\'d always come for you.



I was blindfolded but now I\'m seeing. My mind was closing, now I\'m believing. I finally know just what it means to let someone in. To see the side of me that no one does or ever will. So if you\'re ever lost and find yourself all alone I\'ll search forever just to bring you home. Here and now, this I vow.



By now you\'d know that, I\'d come for you. No one but you. Yes I\'d come for you but only if you told me to. And I\'d fight for you. I\'d lie, it\'s true. Give my life for you. You know I\'d always come for you. You know I\'d always come for you.



No matter what gets in my way as long as there\'s still life in me. No matter what, remember you know I\'d always come for you.



Yes, I\'d come for you. No one but you. Yes, I\'d come for you but only if you told me to. And I\'d fight for you. I\'d lie, it\'s true. Give my life for you. You know I\'d always come for you. You know I\'d always come for you.



No matter what gets in my way as long as there\'s still life in my. No matter what, remember you know I\'d always come for you. I\'d crawl across this world for you. Do anything you want me to. No matter what remember, you know I\'d always come for you. You know I\'d always come for you.



~~



That\'s it. Again, I don\'t own "Origin of Love" or "I\'d Come For You".