So It Starts

So It Starts









I like to cook.



It feels like power.



The steady rhythm of a knife is like control, or at least a semblance of control.



I like the stirring the most. The movement of my arm sends quivers down my body, to rest between my thighs. It makes me want to stir faster, hold my body still and enjoy the sensation.



It wasn’t always like that. When I had just started to learn how to cook, there was no control, only blind panic that something would turn out wrong. Mama never made me feel bad for the times I messed up, she only smiled, told me that me trying was good enough for her. I didn’t want to be “good enough,” I wanted to be great. Cooking was the only way I could pay her back a little of what she had given me; it was the only way I could make her life a little easier. So I practiced, checked out cookbooks from the library, and even started by own little vegetable garden near our home.



It paid off. Now there’s one less thing Mama has to worry about.



****



There was a roar, so powerful it seemed to shake the house. Baby looked out the kitchen window. In the night the clouds shined dark blue, illuminating everything, so it looked like you were seeing day through very, very dark sunglasses.



The carrot in front of her was washed and chopped. Baby had forgotten what she wanted to do with it. She left the chopped carrot on the wood board. Over the stove there is a small cupboard where all the spices are kept, Baby walked to it and took out the paprika.



She heard the door creak. She looked at the clock. It was only 6, her mother wasn’t due back until at least 8.



“Mama?” Baby’s voice came out hesitant, she felt hesitant. The moment her mother was in the house, you could feel it. She’d be laughing or groaning or yelling at the injustice and idiocy of the world. She brought energy within her.



“Mama?” Baby lifted a dishtowel off the stove handle. She did not wipe her hands because they were already clean, but she felt like she needed it. Baby wringed the towel in her hands; she felt her heart pound and breathing became hard. The lights in the rest of the house were off, only the kitchen light was on. The living room looked foreboding; it was completely dark because Baby had closed the drapes.



‘Stupid, stupid me. Why am I always afraid… I had closed those stupid drapes because I didn’t want anyone to think that I was alone.’



But someone knew, and someone was in her house when her mother was away.



She felt tears gather in her eyes. ‘Stupid, stupid me, unable to do anything but wait and cry.’



She heard heavy footsteps. She drew a quick breath. The person sounded big. Baby moved back towards the stove. The person appeared in shadow, a large shadow. A shadow that was tall, broad and male. She felt fear, it gnawed at her throat wanting to rip free in a scream, but she held it back.



She couldn’t breathe.



“Do you always leave your door unlocked? That isn’t safe Baby.” Lucas walked into the lighted kitchen.



Baby let out the breath she was holding. She felt as if her knees would give in. A feeling of complete relief washed over her. Baby felt the tiniest quiver on her chin before she collapsed the ground, sobbing.



“What’s the matter with you?” Lucas’s voice was slightly panicked. He was by her side, stroking her back, lifting her hands away from my face. He cupped her face and turned it towards him.



“What’s the matter? Stop crying, I’m not going to hurt you.” Lucas said firmly.



Baby hiccupped, trying to get her sobs under control. She desperately wanted to explain, but she couldn’t. All she knew was that she had felt a fear that threatened to drown her. The helplessness of the situation, her helplessness, it was pathetic and so sad to her. She focused on Lucas’s dark blue eyes, hoping that they would steady her, they did. Slowly, the sobs ebbed away, and Baby felt herself go slack in Lucas’s arms. She rested her head on his shoulders, buried her face in his neck, and inhaled the pretty scent of him. She watched his blond, curly hair rest on his neck and had the sudden urge to gather a lot of it into her hand and yank as hard as she could. She wanted to tell him that she was useless and afraid, that she couldn’t do anything for herself. She wanted to tell him…but she couldn’t.



She felt him pick her up. The process seemed easy to him. She was too small next to him. She wished, not for the first time, that she was someone else; someone stronger. Her arms found themselves around his neck, more from impulse than her want to put her arms there.





Lucas walked to one of the chairs, sat and down and pulled her into his lap. He could hurt her so easily he thought. His hand resumed the slow up and down movement on her back. But he wouldn’t.



Baby sighed in contentment and nuzzled deeper into his neck. She was safe, she had never felt safe with a member of the opposite sex before, especially not Lucas, but now she did. How do these things happen, how do feelings change so quickly, she asked herself. Without meaning to, Baby felt one of her fingers twist one of Lucas’s curls. The curl coiled around her finger like a snake, Baby marveled at the softness of it. Lucas never appeared soft before.



“You’re such a baby sometimes.” Lucas whispered in her ear, it was a touch teasing and a touch exasperating. She felt his lips touch the bottom of her ear lightly; it could have been called a peck, but even that would have been exaggerating. She shivered at the contact. She felt those small, soft pecks travel down her throat and come back up to her ear, and slowly trail towards her cheek and over her eye. Baby liked the feel of them. She wanted to move her face to those pecks.



Lucas found one of his hands had encircled her neck. He thought her skin felt unbelievably soft, like that of a toddler. Lucas remembered, not long ago, he had gone to Boston to visit his uncle. Lucas had cousin’s there, all much younger than him. There was Brandon and Lucy. Brandon was two that summer and Lucy just a little over one. When he held them, their skin had felt like Baby’s, untouched and so very pure.


He enjoyed them, and he enjoyed their smiles, so innocent. When Baby smiled, her smile resembled something even more innocent than that of his cousins’. Her smiles were shy, uncertain, but so beautiful. She never smiled at him. Baby only looked at him with fear, and sometimes stubborn anger, but those looks of anger came off confused and hesitant, as if she were incapable of those emotions.



When Lucas lay in his bed at night, he remembered those looks, and he relished in them. When Lucas fucked, he remembered those looks, and he came.



Sitting in her home gave Lucas a certain kind of vindictive victory. He remembered when they were children. When he was too young to understand that the reason the pretty girl, who was constantly hiding her face behind her hands, wasn’t talking to him not because she didn’t like him, but because she was painfully shy. He had thought that she thought she was better than him. No matter how much his father praised their family’s superiority to everyone else’s, Baby always seemed to have things better than him. He wanted to hate her.



He had lived most of his young life sheltered by his parents, taught by private tutors. When he turned nine, his father started to insist that he start going to school with the other children, he didn’t want Lucas’s social skills to be stunted; social skills were very important when it came to networking and running a large business, so Lucas started going to public school.



He remembered the first day he saw Baby; it was his first public school day. Lucas stood in front of the class, dressed in clean, expensive clothes. He didn’t know it then, but those clothes won him over many friends that day. He had on a plain, black backpack; Lucas was a little boy very uninterested in cartoon characters being displayed on the things he owned. He was a little too serious, even then. As Lucas grew and started to understand the pull he had over people, he avoided showing his serious side, he only showed the ideal all American-boy model that everyone wanted to see. The teacher droned on about him, not that he listened…and then he saw her.


Lucas could only see her eyes peeking above her folded hands. Her hair was a light brown color that shined in the sun’s light. Her brown eyes looked curiously at him. When she saw him looking at her, the corners of her eyes crinkled and Lucas knew she was smiling at him. He returned her smile, feeling a lightness in his chest. She hid her face further into her folded arms. He felt the lightness turn to suffocating pressure.



Lucas remembered trying to talk to her, but she would just smile and run away. Lucas didn’t understand her running from him. His fists would clench, and he would want to smash and hit everyone around him when Baby would run. He would follow her, never too close for he was scared that she would run away again. He thought of her often, and his nine year old heart leapt at the sight of her. One day he brought her a flower. He hid it in his backpack, he didn’t want everyone to see it and start making fun of him, or god-forbid one of the girls think it was for them. Many girls wanted flowers from Lucas; they started wanting more than just flowers when he became older.



He sneaked up to Baby. She was crouching near the fence, far away from the other children. She was tracing something in the dirt, humming a tune in her sweet voice. She was always on her own, or with the loud blonde girl who would constantly try to kiss him; he would not kiss her when he got older, but he would do many other things to that blonde girl.



“Baby.” He said quietly and softly. Even though he tried to be as gentle as he could when talking to her, Baby’s head still jerked up as if in a great fright. She turned her big, round eyes to him. Lucas liked the warm brown of her eyes. He brought the flower out of his backpack, it was large and white with a pink tint, and held it out to her. She looked at him then at the flower.



Baby couldn’t believe that anyone would want to give her a flower. She looked back at Lucas. She never told Mindy because Mindy had said she liked Lucas, but sometimes Baby would imagine Lucas kissing her. Baby liked to imagine him as her prince, a prince that would marry her some day and live happily ever after with her.



Baby reached for the flower, eyes bright and hopeful. She felt a big smile break across her face. She felt pretty all of a sudden, she felt like she could be that princess she sometimes imagined she was.



Lucas grabbed her hand.



“Don’t run from me.” Lucas said, there was desperation in his voice. He wanted her to stay, wanted her belong to him. Lucas wanted her to be the thing that would always be his, not his father’s or mother’s, but HIS.



Baby looked at him and saw that his gentle expression was gone. Thought…dreams of Lucas being a prince vanished. Lucas’s grip was hard, Baby struggled. Lucas moved her closer to him, dropping the flower on the ground, stepping on it in his haste to get to Baby, the white of it turned a dirty bronze. She felt him wrap his arms around her.


“Stop running. Just stay.” Lucas’s voice was strained from his efforts of trying to still Baby’s movements. Baby panicked. She raised the hand that was holding hers and bit down on his hand. He let her go with a yelp. Baby didn’t bother to look back at him, she just ran. Her heart hammered in her chest. She fled back to the classroom, where even the teacher had left on her lunch break, and hid under the teacher’s desk. She trembled.



Lucas remembered all of this while holding Baby. The anger that he felt when she had ran never left him. ‘Why wouldn’t she stay?’



He tightened his grip on her. Baby raised her head away from his neck and looked at him.



“I have to make dinner.” She said in her usual soft voice, a voice that Lucas had to strain to hear.



“Okay.” Lucas let her go. He thought she would jump away from him, but she didn’t. She continued to sit on his lap, lightly gripping the back of his hair. A lightness entered his chest, one he hadn’t felt since…since she had smiled at him for the first time.



He looked at the heavy dress she was wearing. Her breasts pushed against the fabric, and he could faintly make out the shape of them. He wanted to cup his hands around her breasts, feel the silky softness of them. The dress was buttoned in the front. Baby had buttoned it all the way up. It would be so easy to reach out and unbutton it. She had beautiful skin, he was sure; she would be all softness and curves and unblemished flesh, like the Renaissance paintings of Venus; except Baby was real and touchable, and so much sweeter than any goddess could be.



Baby got off his lap. She didn’t do it quickly. Lucas hoped she was controlled, but before she could walk to far away from him, he snatched her wrist, “Don’t run…okay Baby? Don’t run.” And let her go.



“Okay.”



Lucas watched her walk away. Watched the swell of her ass shift with her steps. He put his hand over his lap, sure that she hadn’t felt his hardness while she was sitting there.



“What are you making?” Lucas asked. He didn’t really care, but he thought a little small talk would put her more at ease. Baby turned back to him and gave him a shy smile, murmuring something that he couldn’t hear. He felt his heart squeeze in his chest painfully.



She had never smiled at him like that before.



“You never smiled at me like that before.” Lucas regretted it the moment it came out of his mouth. He sounded like a little, needy boy… He felt like a little boy.

“You let go.” He almost missed her words, they were spoken so quietly. He stood up, walked to her.



“What did you say?” He let his head drop onto her back.



“You never let go before. Now you did.” She said. All of a sudden old memories…old dreams of Lucas came back.



“I like holding you.” But he didn’t try to hold her, no matter how desperately he wanted to.



“Your holding hurts. I don’t like to be hurt.” Her hair was piled on top of her head, a few strands escaped her bun and tickled his nose. She smelled like peaches.



“I never meant to hurt you.” And he hadn’t. It was just that she always struggled, so he had to hold tighter. At least when she was hurting, she was paying attention to him.



“I won’t hurt you again. I promise.” She gave him another shy smile. She wondered how it would feel to kiss him…wondered if he ever would want to kiss her.



He watched over her shoulder as her quick, nimble fingers worked. She looked sure of every movement. He watched her sway in front of him, felt the urge to grind himself against her; wanted to so badly, even started leaning his pelvis towards her before he caught himself.



“…a favor?” Her voice floated to his ear.



“I didn’t hear you.” He said and leaned forward as to hear her better. He rested both hands on her lush hip.



“Can you please do me a favor?” She leaned her head back, her breath ghosting over his chin.



“What?” ‘Anything.’ He would have done anything for her.

“Can you please press play?” She motioned over to the radio. Lucas walked to it and pressed the play button; the strong, husky voice of Big Mama Thornton emerged full force from the speakers. She sang of a rooster…a little red rooster. Lucas wanted to laugh. He wondered if Baby even knew what this song was really about.



“You like this song?” He asked, walking back to where she stood swaying. Her body moved sensually and fluidly. Did she do it on purpose, did she know what affect she had on him?



“Oh yes. I like all her songs.” Her voice had gone breathy. Lucas would always remember the tone of that voice.



“I like it too.” He whispered in her ear. He gently rested his hand on her stomach. She looked down at it. She felt something unfamiliar. She wasn’t sure if it was painful or not; the intensity of the feeling in her stomach bordered on pain. She looked back at him.



“It won’t hurt.” He reassured her. He knew he was lying. He wanted to tell her that it would always hurt with him, always. Not because he wanted it to hurt, but because he didn’t know anything but hurt when it came to her.



“Okay.” She said. Her face was trusting. He felt anger. She shouldn’t trust him, she shouldn’t trust any man.



He stepped closer to her, used the hand on her stomach to pull her to him. She felt his hand stroke her stomach, massage his fingers into her skin. She felt the intense feeling in her stomach shoot through her body. The feeling lingered on her breast and deep within her core. She wanted him to move his hand up to her breasts, she wanted him to knead them roughly. There was an itch on her body that she desperately wanted to scratch; she was sure that Lucas would help her, Lucas would know what she needed.


Big Mama had moved to “Wade in the Water”. Baby felt even more urgency for him to move his hand to her breasts.



She reached for the hand that was on her stomach, started lifting it off her body, but felt Lucas’s resistance.



“Please Baby, just a little while longer.” He panted against her. He was desperate for her. He just wanted to touch her…he didn’t need to do more than touch her.



“No. I need… I need…” Baby didn’t know how to tell him. She could feel her whole body flush with ideas of what she wanted him to do. She didn’t have the courage to tell him.



“Please Baby…Please, please, please…” He chanted. Lucas felt like praying for the first time in his life. Not for her to stop him, but for him to have the strength to stop. As Lucas clutched Baby to his body, he knew that he didn’t have the strength to stop. After this, Baby would never look at him again, never let him touch her again. ‘Please, please, please…’



Baby lifted his hand, this time he didn’t resist. She unbuttoned the first few buttons on her dress, she parted them slightly and shoved his hand into her bra. Lucas stood still, shocked at what she had done, not sure if he was really seeing reality. He felt the tips of her nipples hard and earnest against the palm of his hand.



“Please, please…” And now she chanted, all the time pressing herself against him. He shook himself out of his stupor and felt elation. He finally had what he had craved for so long. His fingers rolled one stiff nipple, his mouth watered at the thought of it. He used his other hand to lift Baby up, so that she was better aligned with him.


He thrust his erection against her. He had never felt such rampant need, never felt this absolute desperation for her. She looked back at him, her hair falling around her face; a face that was flushed pink, a mouth that was slightly open, and eyes that were asking for more. She was leaning forward on her toes, not balancing herself, completely relying on him to hold her.



Lucas thought she was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. A beautiful, tarnished girl, that’s how she looked. He wanted to beg her forgiveness for what he was doing to her.



“More.” Baby stated in a voice that was above a whisper. Lucas had never heard her speak in such a direct tone or give an order instead of her usual stuttering, polite request. He liked that he could get such a response out of her.



Lucas backed up with Baby still in his arms. When the back of his knees hit one of the chairs he fell on it, Baby on top of him. One hand was still teasing a breast, while he used the other to spread Baby’s legs. He hitched her dress up, seeking skin. When the hem finally gave way to thigh, Lucas felt Baby tense.



“It’s okay. It’s okay.” He whispered urgently. ‘Don’t ask me to stop because I won’t.’

“I don’t know…I’m scared…” Her eyes asked for some sort of reassurance. Not knowing how to answer, not willing to lie any longer to her Lucas pulled her to him and kissed her softly. ‘I’m sorry you have me, and not someone that deserves you.’



“Open your mouth.” Lucas said against her lips. Baby did, and felt Lucas’s tongue slide into her mouth. She never thought her first kiss would involve someone’s tongue being in her mouth. She closed her eyes and simply felt. She was so focused on his mouth that she didn’t feel his fingers until they were already inside her panties.


She gasped when Lucas started to rub her. She felt a jolt shoot up and down body, making it shudder.



She didn’t hear the front door opening, but Lucas did.



“Shit.” He exclaimed shooting up from the seat.



Baby stumbled besides him, feeling disoriented. She looked at him, clutching at his arm and tried “W-Wha…?”



“You’re mama’s back.” Lucas buttoned her dress hurriedly.



“Baby! Something smells good and I sure am hungry.” Her mother’s laugh traveled from the front door.



Lucas looked into the living room, Baby’s mother wasn’t there. He had never felt so frustrated in his life, he wasn’t even sure he could walk with his current condition. He looked down at his erection, it was becoming painful. He looked back at Baby. She was still looking up at him, her mouth slightly parted and swollen red from his kisses.



“It’s okay. She’s gonna be a while. She always changes clothes before she comes into the kitchen.” Her voice had gone back to the timid tone and Lucas felt an overwhelming tenderness settle over him.



He heard her mother’s footsteps on the second floor coming back to the staircase. “Please don’t run…” Lucas said and leaned forward kissing her fully on the mouth. He let her go and left through the kitchen door.



Baby watched him walk in the darkness, his blond hair standing out in the darkness. He turned around once, but Baby could not make out his expression. He disappeared behind the house. She wanted him to come back, wanted for him to finish whatever he had started inside her, but he didn’t.



There was another thunderous boom, lighting following closely behind.



It began to rain.







AN

I had at first anticipated for it to end with an orgasm, but then…I don’t know, I liked it better this way.

Disclaimer: Big Mama Thornton is her own person, she belongs to no one ,especially not me.