A Thousand Words

a/n: Much love to everyone still enjoying this series of short fics. This one’s another angsty one, but the next one is all fluff and happiness. A nice change of pace, ne?

Thanks to Kuromei and DarkSacrifice for their lovely reviews!

Title: Drowning
Pairings: JasonxThomas
Description: Jason knows that Thomas doesn’t understand, and despite that old adage, sometimes love isn’t enough.

Inspired by the Backstreet Boys song of the name.

A Thousand Words
Snapshot Four – Drowning

“Y'know, Jason, Nobody actually believes we're dating.”

Blinking, Jason stared at his best friend around a mouthful of Big Mac, forcing himself to chew and swallow. “What makes you say that?” he asked, a sesame seed dropping from his mouth to the table as he swiped the back of his hand across his lips.

She sighed, idly handing over a napkin with two fingers, which Jason ignored. “Benny asked me out this Friday,” Elizabeth answered, pushing french fries through her paper cup of ketchup but not really eating them. One elbow thumped to the table as she set her chin atop it.

“What?”

Elizabeth looked at him, green eyes framed by long eyelashes, the kindness in her gaze telling. She was one of the more attractive females in Jason's school, at least in Jason's opinion, all the more telling thanks to her lack of make-up or self-awareness. She was Jason's best friend; they had known each other since childhood.

“I want to go,” Elizabeth said, quietly, her voice soft as a whisper, as though she hadn't wanted to say it, but forced the words to emerge.

And something inside of Jason cringed. Guilt and concern crashing over him like some giant wave, filling him with conflicting emotions. “Elly...”

She shook her head, brown curls spilling over her shoulders in artful, unplanned coils. “I know I said I'd help you but... it's been two years,” Elizabeth continued, all pretense of eating forgotten, her fries cooling on her plate, abandoned. “A girl gets lonely”

Another stab of guilt jabbed right through Jason, with all the pain of a stabbing knife, sharp edge, but none of the blood or gore. He dropped the last few bites of his Big Mac, appetite abandoned at the moment, the cheerful ditty playing on the McDonald's television a sudden, jangling noise in Jason's ear.

“I get that,” Jason said, trying not to sulk. “But... Benny? He's the least likely to understand.”

“It's not just Benny, Jase. It's dating in general,” Elizabeth added quietly. Her eyes shifted to the side, seemingly captivated by the lattice-work in their too-fancy McDonald's.

Jason slumped lower in his seat, something squeezing inside his chest with a sense of doom. “Elly--”

“Please, don't give me that look,” Elizabeth said with exasperation, flinching as if she'd been physically struck. “I'm sorry. If it helps, tell everyone I ended it.”

His elbows struck the table, forehead cradled in his palms as his fingers laced through his hair. “That's not going to keep me from becoming a laughingstock.”

“It's either that or be outed.”

Jason felt himself pale, his stomach churning. “I can't do that. Not to Thomas.” It would ruin him. More than that, it would break him. Thomas would lose too much and Jason couldn’t have that.

“I know.” Elizabeth sighed, her face filled with a mixture of regret and apology. She rose to her feet, gathering up her trash in one swift motion. “I’m sorry, Jason. I really am.”

And then she was gone.

Jason watched her go with the sensation of something crashing inside of him. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand Elizabeth, because he did. It wasn’t fair of them to demand so much of her. Elizabeth had offered, but that didn’t mean she was willing to give up her own chances forever. She had a right to her own happiness.

He stared at the remnants of his Big Mac, no longer hungry. The rumors would start again. They would focus on Jason, of course, since no one would ever believe someone like Thomas to be gay. Elizabeth had always been that buffer and now… now she was gone and Jason would have to do this on his own.

The sigh that wracked his body felt like it was pulled from his gut and wearily, Jason hauled himself to his feet. He gathered the trash from his table, feeling like every eye in McDonald’s was watching him. Of course, it was probably his imagination, but Jason never could shake the feeling of being stared at. There was a spot between his shoulder blades, simultaneously itching and burning.

Jason didn’t look up or around as he dumped the rest of his after-school meal into the trash and stepped into a muggy afternoon, the sun beating down hot and damp, making the air thick and difficult to breathe. He dug his keys out of his pocket, jangling them noisily, before crossing the parking lot to his beat up Toyota Camry.

It was hot inside, despite only sitting in the sun for what amounted to twenty minutes. Jason cracked a window, his AC long since broken, and settled in for the reasonably long drive into the country. He wanted – no, needed – to see Thomas and he knew that his boyfriend would be at home beyond the city limits and actually not that far from their high school.

Driving was a mindless task. Jason had been on these roads since he was fifteen and really, there was little to worry about in his tiny town. Traffic was practically nonexistent and the most he had to be concerned with was the after school rush to leave the premises. His eyes flicked to the rearview mirror where he caught a glimpse of himself. Light brown eyes, cropped blond hair, pathetically pale skin – Jason practically screamed computer nerd. It was a wonder he and Thomas got along as well as they did.

He turned onto the long country road and watched the trees flicker by, occasionally broken by the evidence of a long driveway. Thomas’, he knew, was one of these, and Jason found it through long familiarity. The massive grounds of Thomas’ house stretched out in front of him, a huge grassy space – recently cut – with the two-story, colonial style home perched on a rise in the land. Jason knew that even more acreage spread across the backyard, grass eventually giving way to thick trees and underbrush.

‘Must be nice,’ Jason thought wistfully, and not for the first time. But then, Thomas’ father was the mayor of Archdale and his mother, the county prosecutor. Thomas was loaded.

Jason’s car rumbled up the long driveway and pulled into one of the parking spots, catching sight of Thomas in the rearview mirror. His boyfriend was exactly where Jason expected him to be – shooting hoops on the game-sized court in the front yard. Jason stepped out of his car and leaned against the trunk, simply watching Thomas for a few minutes.

Dressed down in playing shorts and a tank top, Thomas flew across the court with speed and skill. His shots were nothing but net and it was clear from the look of determination and thrill on his face that he loved the game. He’d always loved the game, as long as Jason could remember. And well, considering that Thomas was the star of their school’s basketball team, his skill was not surprising.

Jason watched as Thomas dribbled, muscles flexing, rippling under his tanned skin. He had pulled his hair out of his face with one of those athletic headbands, not that sweat hadn’t already helped to tame the black locks. A twist through the air and the basketball soared through the hoop, Thomas landing back on the ground easily, not a trace of wasted movement.

Something tightened in Jason’s gut as he watched Thomas, something a lot like admiration and want and other emotions he hadn’t dared name yet. Shaking his head, Jason pushed off his car and approached the court, wondering if Thomas would notice him first. Sometimes, Thomas would get so focused on practice, he didn’t notice anything else around him.

Today didn’t appear to be one of those days. Or maybe Thomas just heard the crunch of Jason’s shoes over the gravel. Thomas caught the rebound and turned, noticing Jason. A bright smile lit his face.

“Hey Jase!”

Ignoring the warmth that cheerful greeting brewed inside of him, Jason tipped his head in greeting. “Didn’t you just come back from practice?” he teased.

Thomas laughed and swiping a hand through his hair, tucked the basketball under his arm. “Couldn’t hurt to have a little more,” he answered, moving ahead of Jason towards the garage-entrance to his massive house. “It’s the only way I’m going to get out of this shitty place.”

The silence of the home surrounded the two teenagers. Jason knew that both of Thomas’ parents weren’t home. They rarely managed to finish up work for the day before eight, much less at four in the afternoon.

Thomas led them into the kitchen where he made a beeline for the fridge, pulling out a blue Powerade and sucking down half the bottle in several deep gulps. Jason watched him, leaning on the counter in the middle of the kitchen.

“Must be nice,” Jason murmured, watching Thomas’ throat bob as more of the cold liquid poured down his throat.

Thomas looked at him from the corner of his eyes before lowering the bottle of Powerade and swiping the back of his hand over his mouth. “I thought you decided on Brigandiere.”

“Yeah, well. Things change.” Jason tried to keep the bitterness from his voice, but he knew he failed when Thomas shoved the cap back on his drink and turned fully towards him.

Dark brown eyes were uncomfortably steady. “You didn’t get the scholarship,” Thomas said, more of a statement than a question.

Jason lifted his shoulders, dropping them again. “Apparently, there’re more qualified applicants.”

“Bullshit,” Thomas said with a snort, dragging a hand through his sweaty hair. “More like there are well-connected applicants.” He shook his head. “Don’t sweat it Jason. You still have options.”

His gaze fell away because it was safer that way. He didn’t want Thomas to read the disappointment in his eyes, or the feelings that were swelling faster than Jason could pin them down.

Jason didn’t respond to Thomas’ reassurance either. He couldn’t. He wasn’t as positive as Thomas, nor did he have as many options as Thomas would have liked to think. Jason was only a mid-level nerd, with enough intelligent to coast near the top of the ranks, but not high enough for other universities to come begging for his attendance.

The Powerade smacked the counter with a noise of finality and suddenly, Jason found himself trapped between Thomas’ arms, the overwhelming scent of sweat and cologne overpowering his senses. Thomas was much, much taller than him – suitable for a basketball player – but Jason had the broader shoulders. Still, Jason occasionally found himself intimidated by his taller lover.

Brown eyes bore into Jason’s own, darker now that they were focused on Jason alone. “Why do you keep doing that?” Thomas demanded, his voice husky.

“Doing what?” Jason returned through gritted teeth, forcing himself not to give in to the comfort and familiarity Thomas was offering. “Recognizing the futility of it all?”

Thomas drew in a sharp breath. “That is what I’m talking about. What? One scholarship falls through so it’s automatically the end of the world. I never took you for such a pessimist.”

“I’ve never been much of an optimist either,” Jason retorted, resisting the urge to lock his arms around Thomas’ body and draw him into a deep, distracting kiss. “It’s not that easy.”

“Only because you make it so hard.”

Jason sighed, folding his arms over his chest. “Why do you always assume the fault is mine?”

“I never said anything about blame.” Thomas arched a brow, a curve in his lips suggesting amusement. “I just think you’re blowing this out of proportion. Brigandiere is not the be-all, end-all of universities you know. There are close to three thousand others scattered over the U.S. Probably more.”

He didn’t understand. Jason wasn’t sure why he expected Thomas to. His family could easily afford to send Thomas to any school of his choice with no stress on their wallet. Jason wasn’t poor himself, but his family wasn’t wealthy either. They were making it, but Jason had two younger siblings who would eventually have to attend college as well. He couldn’t expect his parents to shoulder all the burden.

“And even if you can’t get a scholarship, there are always loans. Government assistance. You name it, you can find it,” Thomas continued, tipping his head from side to side as he listed them. “You just want to make things difficult.”

Jason’s eyes narrowed and he straightened, the abrupt motion forcing Thomas a step back and giving Jason room to slip out from between him and the counter. “Difficult? Since when has anything in my life ever been easy?”

Sighing, Thomas looked at him. “I thought we were over this, Jason,” he said, with the air of a man long suffering from the same annoyance time and time again.

“I’m tired of you making everything simple when it isn’t,” Jason said through clenched teeth, his pulse quickening. Elizabeth’s decision had only been another nail into a coffin that Jason felt enclosing about him. His parent’s expectations. His scholarship failure. The stares of his fellow students. Thomas’ success.

Yes, even Jason was smart to recognize his feelings for what they were: inadequacy tangled with jealousy. That realization, however, didn’t stop the thoughts from crowding over each other in Jason’s head. And it didn’t stop the irrational anger.

Thomas made an aggravated sound in his throat. “You need to stop worrying so much, Jason. It’s not that bad. It’s not the end of the world. You’re going to make it. Stop blowing everything out of proportion!”

“You’re the one that doesn’t get it.” Jason’s nostrils flared as he struggled to put what he wanted to say in the right words to make Thomas understood. But the anger surged so strongly through his veins that it moved his lips before he could filter the words through his brain. “Elly called it off, by the way. Not that it matters to you or anything,” he said, seething. “Your life is perfect, so no one’s going to believe that you’re the one that likes my dick up your ass.”

Regret for the comment spilled through him and Jason should have seen the strike coming. It wasn’t until he hit the cabinets behind him, head bouncing off wooden paneling, that Jason even realized that Thomas had hit him. One hand reached for his aching jaw, cradling it carefully as pain blossomed through his face.

But the pain didn’t last long before the fury set in, overriding all sense of rationality and calm. Where part of him was screaming to stop before they hurt each other even worse, another part of Jason argued that it had to be this way.

The fire that burned through his limbs was unlike anything Jason had ever felt. He didn’t think; he reacted, launching himself at Jason with a ferocious growl. They collided immediately, Jason grappling for some kind of hold while Thomas’ longer reach prevented Jason from getting a good grip. Jason was barely able to get in a low blow, a shallow punch to Thomas’ side before they were fumbling across the floor.

His jaw throbbed and he gasped for breath that he couldn’t quite catch, but both of those were nothing on the rending that ripped through Jason’s insides. Those physical pains were infinitesimal to the pain that roared through Jason’s heart, to the flurry of emotions that colored his thoughts in shades of red.

“You’re an idiot!” Thomas huffed, his long limbs attempting to wrap around Jason and restrain him. He absorbed each pathetic blow, but never returned them.

Jason howled, and he couldn’t be sure if it was anger or hurt or anything anymore because his entire body was trembling. If he didn’t hit something, if he didn’t scream or shout, he was going to break down. And the last thing Jason wanted was to cry because that would be the ultimate humiliation. Why was he the only one with something invested in this?

“Let go!” Jason roared, wriggling in Thomas’ grip. His lover had wrapped his arms around Jason, pinning Jason’s arms to his side and trapping him in place. “Let me go, dammit!” He kicked one leg out, the tip of his shoe slamming into a cupboard and jarring the countertop, sending the precariously balanced roll of paper towels to the floor.

“No!” Thomas growled, panting as he struggled to restrain Jason. “You’re acting crazy, Jason. What the hell’s the matter with you?”

Panic set in where it hadn’t before, quickening Jason’s breathing until he sounded crazy. “You! It’s you… I can’t…” He growled, something like a whine building up in his throat. “Dammit, Thomas, fucking let me go!”

For all his begging, Thomas didn’t relent. “If I do that, you’ll just hit me.”

“Damn right! You deserve it, you bastard!” Jason shouted, kicking out again.

His struggles didn’t faze Thomas. His hold tightened as he slowly bore them to the ground, his chin locked over Jason’s shoulder as though the force of his embrace would be enough to calm the rising surge.

Jason hoped like hell that Thomas’ parents didn’t suddenly decide to come home because their current position couldn’t be taken as innocent. He froze at the mere thought, body going weak, slumping in Thomas’ arms. Anger bled out of him in the face of a tired sort of sadness, a sense of surrender that loosened every muscle in his body to a boneless heap.

He was tired, so tired, and Jason was sick of it. He stopped struggling, stopped squirming, just panted as Thomas clutched him closer, trying to force his heart to stop racing. But the feelings were still there, making his entire body tremble. Jason closed his eyes, fighting back surges of heat. He wasn’t a girl; he refused to cry.

Thomas didn’t loose his hold. “What’s the matter with you?” he repeated again, his voice softer, full of concern. He smelled so damn familiar, the scent of his body wash mixing with the scent of cologne and sweat, swirling around Jason and taking him back. “C’mon, Jase. Talk to me.”

The words stuck in his throat. Jason wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say. Too many things sought to tumble out of him. Truths and lies and secrets and admissions.

He could feel the warmth of Thomas’ breathing gentle against the side of his neck. Thomas’ arms were warm around Jason, his presence unyielding. They half-knelt, half-crouched on the floor of the kitchen, and it was awkward, but it was also familiar. Jason felt like he’d been in this house all his life. It seemed like he and Thomas had always been friends – friends first and then lovers. Sometimes, he wasn’t even sure he could remember exactly when that change had happened since it had emerged so naturally, as if one step to the next was as expected as breathing.

One of Thomas’ hands moved from where it was locked around Jason’s belly, sliding up to press flatly against Jason’s chest. “Jase?”

He broke.

Jason drew in a ragged breath. “I’m no good for you,” he muttered, shoulders slumping in the perfect picture of defeat. He certainly felt defeated. “And we’re no good for each other.”

He could practically taste Thomas’ surprise. “What? Elly threw in the towel so you are, too?”

“We can’t be found out,” Jason reminded him.

Thomas’ arms tightened. “You’re the only one who has a problem with that!”

Shaking his head, Jason fought with himself to turn around. “Don’t you care at all?” he demanded, feeling himself tense all over again. “What do you think will happen, huh? You’ll lose your scholarship. And more than that, what would your parents think?”

“They can’t deny me the scholarship. It’s discrimination.”

The words of someone who honestly didn’t expect anything could go wrong. Thomas was an eternal optimism. The worse decision he’d ever had to face was choosing between basketball and track, the former winning over the latter simply because the schedule conflicted less with his life.

Jason sighed. “There are ways around that, Thomas. And I’m not letting you throw your future away for something that’s just a high school fling.”

Behind him, Thomas tensed, his entire body going rigid. “What?” he demanded, forcing Jason to face him, and gripping Jason’s face with his hands, fingers cupping Jason’s cheeks.

“We’re eighteen,” Jason explained quietly, letting his hands fall to his own lap where it was much safer. “We’ve got decades ahead of us. You really think you found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with in high school? That’s impractical.”

“Practicality isn’t always the best indicator of anything,” Thomas hissed, his eyes bright with emotion.

Jason shook his head, lifting his hands to curl his fingers around Thomas’ wrists, encouraging him to loose his hold. “We’re still just a couple of kids. You can’t possibly believe you know what you want right now.”

“Does that make what I feel any less? I’m a child so it can’t possibly be what I want it to be?” Thomas’ eyes narrowed with anger as his nostrils flared. “I think you’re the child here, Jason. And a coward.”

All things that Jason didn’t already know. His aching jaw was all the proof he needed. The fact that he held these insecurities in the first place. The truth of the resentment that Jason didn’t think he was strong enough to overcome. For all his pretend strength, in the end, it was always Thomas who was bravest.

Thomas who kissed him first. Thomas who made the first move. Thomas who willingly gave himself to Jason and was unashamed to admit that he enjoyed cuddling, even when they were rarely given a chance to do so.

“Fine.”

Jason startled, because he hadn’t expected Thomas to speak and especially not in that flat tone, as though the words had been carved from stone. He looked at Thomas, who pulled his hands away from Jason, curling fingers into themselves.

“We’ll end it,” Thomas continued, his face empty of emotion, his eyes flat and cold. “Since that’s what you want.”

“I didn’t say that.”

Thomas shook his head, dragging the headband from his hair and letting his bangs flop stickily across his forehead. “You did. What’s the point of sticking around in something you expect to end anyway? You said it yourself. We have decades to go.”

Having his own words thrown back at him was not a pleasant sensation. But it was no worse than the freezing feeling that clenched on Jason’s insides, until he felt like the air he breathed carried winter’s bite. Thomas had risen to his feet and Jason stared up at him, willing himself to bring his legs beneath him.

Jason couldn’t shake the feeling that he had just done something irreparable. Thomas continued to give him an empty, emotionless stare, his hands clenched into quiet fists at his side.

He should say something, anything. The tension in the room was worse than it had been before, and Jason didn’t think he would ever catch his breath. It felt like something was cracking and tearing into bits in his chest. He couldn’t explain the sensation, couldn’t explain the heat that built in the back of his eyes, or the desperation that clawed in his throat.

The swinging door to the kitchen swung open with a faint squeak, admitting Thomas’ mother who blinked in surprise at the sight of them. One hand was wrapped around a brown grocery bag, the other clutched a small purse. Her eyes – the same beautiful shade as Thomas’ – darted between them, brows rising in confusion.

“Afternoon, boys,” she greeted, setting the paper bag on the middle countertop. “Jason, honey, what are you doing on the floor? Is that a bruise?” Her lips twisted into a frown, her tone filled with reproach. “Were you two fighting again?”

Thomas shook his head. “Just playing around, Mom. Nothing serious.” His eyes found Jason, as though his words were meant for Jason as well.

Just playing around. Not even Jason believed that.

Using the countertop to pull himself up, Jason offered Thomas’ mother a thin, cracked smile, unable to meet Thomas’ eyes. “Yeah, just some games. Nothing to worry about, Mrs. Braxton.”

Her gaze darted between them as though she didn’t believe their story. “If you say so. I hope you boys didn’t break anything,” she said, pulling items out of the grocery bag and turning to place the vegetables into the fridge.

Nothing physical. Nothing that could be seen with the eyes. But Jason didn’t say those words aloud. In fact, he clamped his mouth shut and let Thomas smooth things over with his mother. If there was anyone who might have ever suspected something more than simple friendship, it was Mrs. Braxton. She was intelligent, and her minor in Psychology made her more perceptive than the average person.

“Yeah, yeah. Just holler when dinner’s ready, okay?” Thomas said, reaching out and locking fingers around Jason’s arm, all but dragging Jason after him.

Whatever Mrs. Braxton said in response was lost to the sound of the swinging door and their footsteps as Thomas moved quickly down the hallway, pulling Jason with him. Looking at Thomas’ back, Jason felt the guilt even stronger now. But where would their relationship lead them? Where could they possibly go with it? Not even heterosexual couples had much chance when formed in high school.

In the main hall facing the front door, Jason drew to an abrupt halt, yanking his arm free from Thomas’ hold. His action forced Thomas to turn and face him and their eyes met, something passing between them, something that Jason couldn’t name. Thomas’ face still revealed nothing – not anger or sadness or regret. Just a hard mask.

Jason swallowed thickly. “I’m not staying for dinner,” he said, and prayed to any god that would listen that he had spoken louder than a broken whisper. “Apologize to your mother for me?”

“And what am I supposed to tell her?” Thomas’ voice was hoarse, as though he had spent the afternoon shouting.

“I don’t know. That I felt sick. That I forgot about some homework. Does it matter?” Jason said in return, hating that he had flinched. Hating that it felt like he was leaving a piece of himself behind.

Thomas shook his head, the motion jerky. “Whatever. I don’t even care anymore.” He turned away from Jason, one foot placed on the bottom step of the huge staircase leading to the second floor. “Just… whatever.”

He said nothing else, placing one foot after the other, climbing the staircase and leaving Jason to see himself out. Not that he hadn’t done such a thing before. Not that he didn’t know his way around Thomas’ house and property better than he knew his own home.

Words clung to the back of his tongue, threatening to choke him. Apologies and begging and pleas and more apologies. But Jason didn’t speak them. He just watched Thomas’ retreating back before digging into his pocket for his keys and leaving through the front door.

Outside, the sun was beginning to set, though it still left a hazy heat of afternoon in its wake. Jason had to shield his eyes from the bright glare.

He was supposed to feel lighter now. As if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He was supposed to take a deep breath of the fresh air and smile brightly, ready to greet the rest of his life. Jason should be happy. Elizabeth had abandoned them, but that was okay. He had only a few months left in school and then Jason could take a bus or a train or a plane – whichever he could afford best – and leave town.

Everyone would whisper in his absence. He could just imagine the rumors. But Jason couldn’t be pressed to care anymore. He was already leaving what mattered most to him behind. Nothing else could hurt him; he didn’t have a heart left to break.

Not anymore.

* * * *

a/n: That was a rough one. I’m not entirely pleased with it. I may go back and extend it a little bit there in the middle, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway.

Also, if anyone wants to receive the update e-mail that lets them know when I've updated, feel free to leave your e-mail address for me and I'll add you to the list. I promise not to use your e-mail for any other purpose than to send the update e-mail. Til next time!