Love Will Come Through

He woke up early in the morning.
God - Should have gone to bed earlier -
He rubbed his face and looked at his alarm on the night stand. He couldn't read it, so he grabbed his glasses which were lying next to the alarm. He didn't putt hem on but glared through them to see the time.
6 a.m…
He threw his glasses on the night stand and let himself drop into his pillow again
I can sleep for another hour -
He closed his eyes, trying to fall asleep again. But he noticed he couldn’t. Soon, his mind wondered of to Noreen again. He opened his eyes again and looked at the ceiling. She had been in his thoughts all evening last night. After Paul had left, he had stared at the TV all afternoon. He hadn’t had diner, but he had retreated himself to his bedroom, and had sat behind his laptop all evening. He had tried to write, but it hadn’t helped. Nothing had come out of his mind.
She's so - so nice - And pure -
He sighted. He knew this was law breaking, but he couldn't help to think about her this way.
Intelligent - Honest - Innocent -
He felt his body was reaction to these thoughts. He felt his heartbeat rise. Hormones were running through his body. An odd feeling in his stomach. Adrenaline. Endorphin.
He sat up, throwing the blanket of himself. He stumbled over to the bathroom. Without glasses he was always able to find his way through his own house. He entered the bathroom and turned on the light. He leaned on the sink, staring at himself in the mirror.
Chris - Don't think like this - It's not allowed - You're not allowed to think of her this way
But than something occurred to him. He had never thought like this about someone.
Never had he felt this for a girl. Let alone a woman. He had a certain feeling for her. A feeling he found hard to place. Something inside of him knew what it was, but he didn't want to agree with it.
I can't - She's young - A student -
His stomach was spinning. It felt like he was hungry and nervous at the same time. But he felt too sick to think of food.
I am - I can't - But I am - - in love -
He felt he was getting sicker every second he thought about it.
God - I've never been in love - Not like this -
It was true. He had never had a relation with someone. Because of his uncertainty, he had never dared to begin a relation. He had spent half his life on one-night-stands. He had never been in love. Of course he had fancied woman, but that was all based on sex
But this - This is different -
He wasn't thinking about sex at all. He was thinking about Noreen. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted to hold her and comfort her.
She deserve better - She shouldn't be this sad -
She needed comfort, he was sure about it. He wanted her to feel better than she was feeling now.
He opened the tap, splashing some cold water in his face. He raised his head again, his hands still on his cheeks as she looked at his reflection. His face was wet, and water was dripping down his hands and arms, entering the sleeves of his shirts. But he didn't mind
I can't - I can't do this - If anything will happen - I can loose my job
He lowered his hands again, still looking at himself.
Who says something will happen? Maybe nothing will happen. There isn't a chance she likes me the way I like her. Not in a million years - I'm old, and her teacher. She wouldn't think about me as the way I think of her
He ran his hands through his hair, making it wet as well. He still thought it was odd. He had never expected he would fall in love with a student. Of course there were occasions when he watched over his shoulder to follow a student that had just walked past him. But never something like this.
This is different -
He felt he was getting desperate too.
Damn - What am I going to do - I can't ignore her - I just can't - I like her too much for that. And I offered her my help. I can't just withdraw that.
But he didn't want to withdraw himself. He wanted to help her. He really wanted to. He knew it was dangerous, breaking the laws like that. But he really thought it was more important to help Noreen. If she wanted to ever talk to him, he would be there for her.
If she would call him. He would pick up the phone. If she would be on his doorstep again -
He paused, thinking
What will I do - What will happen? I need to control myself.
He than sighted
I will let her in -
He pulled of his shirt, washing himself very quickly. He shaved himself. He hadn't done so in weeks. He left the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist. He walked over to the wardrobe and pulled it open. He didn't take out any clothes yet. He looked over his shoulder what the weather was. It was raining. He grunted and pulled out some clothes and a sweater. He began to dress slowly, still thinking of Noreen.
Nothing will happen - She won't allow it anyway - And I don't think it's wise if she does want too
He walked to the kitchen, pulling his sweater over his head as he went. He opened the fridge, staring inside of it. There wasn't anything he really wanted to eat.
Better get something at Sainsbury's on my way to school
He closed the fridge and filled the coffee machine instead. He waited until the coffee was done. He poured the coffee into a mug and added some sugar. He took the cup back to the living room, blowing the steam of as he walked towards the window. He stood in front of the window, staring at the streets
Great - The weather is great -
He looked across the streets to the apartments the opposite of his. He saw how one of the curtains opened and a girl in her pajama’s looking out of the window. She had to be the same age as Noreen. He kept looking at the girl. She climbed up the window silk and sat on it. It seemed like she pressed her forehead against the window, so she could look down.
She seems sad -
He sighted again.
Why are children these days always unhappy? Well I’m not saying I had a great youth - But still - I never had anything that serious as Noreen is dealing with -
He watched how the girl slipped of the window silk again and disappeared out of his sight. He inhaled deeply, feeling the familiar pain in his lower back.
You're getting old - You don't deserve a girl like that - Even though if you want to comfort her - If you will - It won't end well - Not for the both of you
Back in the kitchen, he placed the mug in the sink and checked the clock on the microwave
Seven - Maybe if I'd get to school early -
He walked over to his study and grabbed his bag. He pulled on his denim jacket. He knew he would get drained, but he didn't have a winter coat or anything. He grabbed his keys and stroked Strummers head before he left the house.
He bought a bag of bagels at Sainsbury's. He didn't eat them. He would to that in the staff room once he would get to school.
After half an hour, he entered the staffroom. The school had seemed deserted, except for the concierge. He greeted the other man and had gone for the staff room at once. He pulled of his jacket and hung it up in the wardrobe. He putted the plug of the coffee machine in the contact and made himself some more coffee. With his steaming cup of coffee, he sat down again and opened the bag of bagels. He took one and began to eat. Bagels form Sainsbury’s always tasted good, but not now. It seemed like he had no saliva in his mouth to make it moistly enough to swallow it.
After half an hour, the door opened and Paul came in.
'Morning' he muttered, drinking the last bit of coffee, which had been his second cup. He than checked his watch. 'I don't have much time, I have class now'
He got up, and without saying anything to his brother, he threw the bag with the leftovers of the bagels in the waist bin and left the staff room.
Don't want to talk to him right now - He doesn't need to know -
He entered his classroom and dropped his bag. He sat down at his chair and rested his arms on his desk, pressing his face against his hands.
Disastrous -
He heard someone coming in, but he didn't look up. It didn't really occur to her he would be teaching 10B now. Although his thought were still with Noreen.
I don't know what to do - If I really like her the way I think I do - That can be a problem.
He sighted, still his eyes covered.
Get a grip - Nothing will happen - Just get over it - Quickly
When he heard more movement, he looked up and his stomach gave a jolt. It was Noreen.
He couldn't help but smile broadly at her. 'How are you?' he asked, although he remained in his seat
He than saw more students entering the classroom too, so he knew he and Noreen couldn't talk too much about yesterday.
But Noreen looked over him like nothing was wrong at all. 'I'm fine, Sir - And you?' she asked back, her smile seemed to fade a bit, and he couldn’t figure out why. Was it the way he looked at her? Would she notice?
He coughed to restrain himself, but he didn't really know if he could answer that question. Not only because more students were here, but also because he didn't want to fright Noreen of. 'I'm alright' he said as he winked at her.
God stop it -
More students came in, and he watched how everyone sat down. When the door was closed and everyone settled down, he didn't get up. Normally he would have done so. He preferred to teach standing, but he didn't really feel like teaching at all.
And I still have to sit until 5 -
He told the class to open their books. To his annoyance, the class went against it.
'But you told us we didn't need to bring books for the week!'
He remained silent as he chewed his pen
I did - I did say that -
He looked around the class and saw many more didn't had their books. He counted the students who did have a book and he felt relieved again. He ordered the class to share books. He watched how the class changed books for a moment so every pair had a book. He got up, walking over to the board. He took a chalk and wrote the assignments they had to make on the board
'We will discuss them 10 minutes before the bell will ring' he said. He looked at his watch. They would have 45 minutes to make the assignments.
That's enough -
He sat down again, first watching how the class went to work. He than buried his face in his hands again
Get a grip, Chris
He soon lowered his hands again and stared at the class for a moment. He than took his iPaq and looked at his timetable. Every teacher had one. They could use them to check timetables, and to mark down the absent students. There weren't any changes in his timetable, so he grinned humorless. He would have hoped a few classes would be canceled, so he could take a got hour or thinking.
Shame -
He placed his iPaq down but looked at the time before he did.
God - I can't stand this -
He never liked to let a class work, and he had to wait for them to finish. He preferred teaching and letting them do the work at home. But he hadn't prepared anything, so he could only let them work. He looked at Noreen, who was working.
I really can't stand this -
He took a book from his bag and tried to read. He failed. His eyes kept wondering over to Noreen. He soon gave up and closed the book. He began to stare out of the window. It was still raining.
Finally, the time was over, so he and the class discussed the assignment he had given them. When the bell rang, the class packed their stuff. Students were rushing out of the classroom; they probably had a free hour. A lot of boys were always fighting over the football table in the auditorium.
'Sir? Want to go outside and smoke a cigarette with me?' someone asked, and when he looked up, he saw it was Noreen.
How does she - know I’ve got a free hour?
But he nodded. ‘Sure’ he said and got up. He opened his bag and took out his package of cigarettes.
He decided he would leave his stuff, because he would use the classroom after this hour.
‘Let’s go’ he said as he took his keys, closed the door, and they both went outside.
She seemed glad he had agreed on coming outside. While they walked Noreen suddenly asked: 'Is really everything all right?' she looked up at him, for he was a foot taller than her.
He felt a bit shocked. How could she notice that?
No I'm not - But you don't want to know - Really -
He took a cigarette, offered the package to Noreen, she took one, and than stuffed it in his trousers. He took his lighter and lit his as he held it in front of Noreen. She lit hers.
‘I’m fine’ he said as he blew out the smoke and looked acJonas the schoolyard. ‘I just didn’t sleep well. Don’t worry’ he added and looked at her, smiling.
She nodded and inhaled deeply. They both were quiet for almost a minute, until she spoke:
'I - I forgot my bag over at yours. I don’t know if you saw it?' she looked up.
Her - Her bag?
He tried to think whether he had seen a bag. But he hadn't. Paul had come over, and Chris had been a bit upset. 'No I didn't see it' he said as he lowered the cigarette
I really didn't
He hesitated, not looking at Noreen as he thought.
She could - No - I shouldn't ask her that - It's not allowed - Especially not now I'm feeling like this.
He sighted
Oh, screw it -
'You could pick it up after school' he said.
Or I could just bring it tomorrow - But I don't want to -
'So we could talk about those books that I borrowed you as well' he added quickly
I want her to be with me -
She seemed to think for a moment, but than lowered her cigarette and nodded. 'Okay. When shall I come over?'
He smiled broadly at her. He liked it that she still wanted to visit him. He really did!
Not good, Chris - You don't know what will happen -
It was very wrong to do this, but he couldn’t help but to invite her anyway.
'I'm off late' he said. 'When are you of?'
He threw his cigarette on the ground and crushed it with his feet. She soon did the same, and spoke as she blew out the last breath of smoke: 'Same here.' she smiled 'I have gym today until 16pm. So I will come over after I've showered at home, all right?'
'Yes, that's alright' he said grinning
Glad she wants to come again -
He suddenly forgot his worries as he stood next to her.
She's so sweet - I could look at her for hours -
He blinked, snapping back to reality.
Nothing will happen - She will just pick her bag up - Nothing will happen, Chris.
'No, that's alright' he said again. He nudged his head, making her clear they had to go inside. Although her presence seemed to warm his body like a fire, he did felt cold by the actual cold of the weather. 'I'll see you than' he said and winked at her before he turned into the other corridor. She bade him goodbye and went to the library.

Many hours later, He finally got home. It had been raining again, so he was soaked. The first thing that he went to do was undress. He pulled of his trousers and sweater, and putt on his pajama trousers and a tank. He actually [i]had[/i] forgotten about Noreen, because he felt so irritated by the weather. It was until he entered the sitting room when he saw her bag lying underneath the salon table.
Damn -
He went to the kitchen, and opened the fridge from where he took a bottle of beer. He opened it and began to drink is as he walked back. When he entered the sitting room again, he stared for a while at the bag.
Better not -
He really had no idea what to do. He could let her in again, and they could talk again. But what would happen? From past events, he knew he didn’t have much control over his needs. What would happen if he would lose control this time?
What am I doing? He asked himself. He got up at once, grabbed the bag. He threw it in the hallway before he sat back down. He had made his decision. He would only give it to her. He wouldn’t let her in. She couldn’t, because he didn’t trust himself. Would she be worth it? Of course not! It would cost him his job if something would happen! It wasn’t worth it!
He sat back down and drank more beer.
Maybe it's better - I shouldn't have invited her - And who knows what will happen if we do this more often - Maybe it's better - if I tell her -
He sighted. He didn't want to think about it, but he thought it was better. How the hell was he going to tell Noreen she shouldn't come inside? He really wanted to get to know her, and talk to her.
She needs help -
But he knew it would be better for the both of them not to do so. He felt sad. How was he going to tell her? He didn't want to disappoint her, but he had too.
The doorbell rang. He closed his eyes
Oh god - That must be her -
He got up and placed his beer on the salon table. He walked over to the intercom and pressed the button to let her in. He walked over to the door and opened it, leaning against the doorframe as he waited for her to come upstairs. Soon, Noreen had reached the top stairs, and smiled broadly at him:
'Hey,' she said and stopped in front of him 'Did you find my bag?'
At the same moment he had seen her appear on the stairs, he had smiled at her. He just couldn’t do anything else.
God - How can I deny that -
'Hey,' he said
Oh my -
'Yes, I found it' he said as he turned around and picked up the bag that he had dropped down there early. He held it up for Noreen. 'I hadn't seen it. It was under the salon table'
He sighted as he looked at her while she took the back, her face a bit disappointed he wasn’t letting her in.
'Yeah-… quite stupid of me to leave it there.' she smiled and shouldered the bag.
He only smiled, but didn’t speak. He was feeling terrible uncomfortable. Should her tell her? Should he say to her she couldn’t come in?
God I want to ask her inside - But I shouldn't -
'No, it's alright' he said. 'We all forget things from time to time' He rolled his eyes for a moment. ‘Like me in class today' he said as he looked at her again. He leaned against the doorpost, looking down at the ground all sudden.
Maybe I should tell her -
'Noreen-' he began and he noticed he was starting to sweat. 'I er - '
God - Just say it -
'I think it's best if you don't come in'
To his horror, he could clearly see how something in her eyes changed from the moment he had said that. She looked stunned. 'I - er, yeah, no problem' she said, but she suddenly sounded a lot more different than she had done before. 'It's okay, it's late anyway, so - ' she nudged to the stairs and smiled politely, like it seemed she wanted to leave as quickly as possible. He couldn’t help but feel terrible guilty. He had promised this girl to help her. He had said he would listen to her. He had even comforted her. And now, he had to send her away because of his emotions. How could he do this?
I should tell her - She won't understand if I send her away like this
'Noreen' he said again, covering his eyes for a moment before he looked at her again.
'I noticed I've begun to have - . some certain feelings for you'
Oh god -
'And I think it's better - if you don't come here. It would be the best for us'
Maybe more for me -
He looked away from her, not daring to look at her reaction. She would probably shout, and find him disgusting if he would tell her this, but he did it anyway: 'I don't - trust myself if you keep coming here'
She made a step back, and he was expecting the worst. But she only said: 'What certain feelings?' she asked and he saw her frowning.
He closed his eyes and brought his hand to his mouth, rubbing his own chin as he was seeking for the right words.
Oh God - Why is this so hard? I don't want to scare her -
He opened his eyes again and removed his hand. He looked at her, still uncomfortable, and he noticed this was the first time he really felt nervous. Even more nervous and uncomfortable he hadn’t felt before in her presence.
'I-I can't really explain' he said looking at the doorframe
Yes you can -
'But I think it's better for the both of us if we don't speak at my home.' He swallowed.
'I do want to talk to you, but not here. I-If something ever happens, we will be in trouble. It will be better if we'd talk at school'
She frowned even more. She seemed angry. Was she? She took a deep breath, before she spoke again:
'I-.. I really don't know what you're talking about, Sir, but I should - should better go.' she said still sounded confused. She turned around and walked towards the stairs.
No - no wait!
‘Noreen’ he said and he took a few steps before he caught up on her. He placed his hand on her shoulder, and she turned around at once, which made him grab her by her upper arms. He really didn’t know if it was a good idea to hold her like this. She could charge him for touching her like this!
‘Listen!’ he said as he looked down at her. ‘I-…’ but his words were stopped by her expression on her face. She seemed to hold her breath, and her eyes were piercing into his. His breath on the other hand, was heavier, and faster. She looked so beautiful. So ready.
And suddenly, with no impulses acting, he pressed his lips against hers, for a kiss that only lasted a few seconds before he pulled back, looking back at her. Her eyes had widened, and her mouth had opened a bit, like she wanted to say something, but she couldn’t.
I shouldn't have done that -
And to judge her reaction, he had done a wrong thing. She pulled herself lose, but his grip had actually loosened a lot. She ran down the stairs, and he stared numbly how she disappeared
I didn't just do that - did I? I didn't kiss her - Please -
'Noreen!' he called again and ran after her. Once down stairs he saw she had just left the building. He ran after her but stopped as he saw her disappear into the tub
Oh God -
It was raining like mad, but he didn't care. Although he wasn't wearing a coat or anything, he didn't care.
What have I done - Why did I do that?
He stood in the rain, still watching the entrance of the tub
God - What have I done -
He lowered his head, closing his eyes. He rubbed his eyes under his glasses, cursing himself.
See what you've done - Your damned hormones drove her away -
'God, I know' he said to himself as he looked up again. He saw how a pedestrian looked at him and walked around him with a bow. He watched how the man walked further.
His glasses were getting foggy, and he didn't see much
God - You're an arse -
'I know' he said again and he saw how the man looked around again, looking irritated.
He grinned humorless and turned around, dragging himself upstairs. Half way up, he saw how Strummer was making his way down the stairs. 'Hang on' he said as he grabbed the cat by his collar. 'You're not going outside.' The cat gave a demonstrating mew, but he picked him up and carried him upstairs.
Once inside, he closed the door and putted Strummer on the floor. He walked over to the sitting room and picked up his beer bottle from the salon table. He drunk it up in one swig.
God - What will she think - I never liked a student more than her - she must hate me now -
He walked over to the kitchen and threw the bottle in the crate with empty bottles that stood next to the trash bin. He than opened the fridge and saw there was no beer
Drat -
On the balcony, he had another crate. He stepped on the balcony, not getting wet because the balcony above him was a sort of roof. He took a bottle that stood in the crate with beer on the balcony and opened it with the bottle opener on his key ring. He leaned against the rail and looked over the street as he drank his second beer. He took of his glasses and pocketed them, rubbing his eyes with one hand as he was holding the bottle in his other hand.
God - She might accuse me - At school - The police - Anything -
He couldn't believe how much he had assaulted the girl. He had just kissed her, without giving an explanation or asking her whether she liked him or not. He had just done it. Like that. Within a second.
He could still remember the softness of her lips, and it made him shudder again. It had only lasted a second, but it had been enough. Enough for her to go to the headmistress and tell her what he had done. Even if it was just a short kiss, it could ruin his career. He would get fired, and probably a fine for misbehaving during his duty. He sighted and took another long swig from his beer. He than licked his lips.
They were so soft - So real - Pure -
He shook his head and took a drag of his cigarette.
Git -
He drank the last bit of his beer and placed the empty bottle back in the crate. He threw the cigarette on the ground and crushed it with his shoe. He stepped back inside and closed the balcony door. He noticed he and his clothes were all wet. He first turned on the CD player for some U2 music before he went to the bathroom to change clothes. He undressed and turned on the shower, stepping under it as it always got warm rather quickly.
He stood under the shower, not really washing himself. He rested his head against the wet, cold wall, his eyes closed. Terrible guilt was soaring through his body. He had assaulted a girl, and he had no idea what she would do about it. She could accuse him, and he could lose his job. He sighted and opened his eyes, rubbing his face.
God - What have I done -
He bent his head and stared at the ground.
I must apologize - She needs to know I was wrong -
He would need to talk to get tomorrow. He felt glad he had to teach her everyday, so he could talk easily to her after class.
After a while, he closed the tap. He took a towel and dried himself off slowly. He wrapped the towel around his waist and looked at himself in the mirror, which was all foggy. Somewhere he felt disgusted with himself. He wouldn't believe what he had done today. He only sighed before he walked back to the sitting room to turn of the CD player. Back in his bedroom, he dropped the towel and crawled into his bed, without putting on his night close. Lying on his back, he stared on the ceiling.
She will think I'm a pervert old teacher -
He sighted again and closed his eyes, bringing up his hands and rubbing his face. It took him a few hours before he fell asleep.