Ennui

The cityscape from the rooftop annoyed Seth for reasons he couldn’t identify. He found himself pacing the roof more than he watched the lights. He was restless, uneasy. It was his fault, though. That Li. If he hadn’t shown up with his stupid nonsense, then Seth’s life would have continued as it had been.

When his mind chose to remind him of what his life had been before, he clutched his head and screamed silently into the sky. Enough was enough already. He didn’t need that Li to give him anything. His arms didn’t ache to feel his body again. He didn’t long for the taste of his blood. He did not want Li. He couldn’t.

Anyone he wanted betrayed him. Every lover he’d ever had. Even his friends had betrayed him, from the very beginning. Everything was a lie. All of it. His life, emotions, everything.

And, yet, as dawn began to lighten the eastern sky, he returned to his apartment, returned to his bed, left the windows shuttered. Something made him cling to the life he now hated.

A week passed, two and Seth’s aggravation did not wane.

Then he saw Li in the hallway. The other man looked at him with wide eyes, a trace of fear mixed with longing. Without thinking, Seth grabbed Li’s arm and dragged him into his apartment. He didn’t know what he intended to do, but his body carried him, leaving his mind struggling to justify his actions after the fact.

He pinned Li to the wall next to his front door, causing a picture hanging on that wall to fall unheeded, it’s glass shattering. “I hate you,” Seth growled. He couldn’t completely ignore the terror that filled Li’s eyes now. He almost reveled in it save that it caused guilt to rise in him. “I hate you,” he repeated, though his voice carried less venom in it. His arms collapsed slowly under his weight and his head came to rest on Li’s shoulder. “I hate you,” he sobbed.

Li brought his arms up slowly, caressing Seth’s back, afraid he’d be hurt for doing so. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Seth’s knees collapsed and he pulled them both to the ground. He wrapped his arms around Li’s neck. “Why? Why do I keep hoping?” he sobbed.

“Hoping for what?” Li asked, keeping his voice as soft as he could.

“Shut up. I hate you,” Seth snarled. He made no move away from Li, continued to sob against his chest.

Li didn’t speak again. He held Seth, caressing his back, as long as the other allowed him. He remained silent even after Seth’s sobbing stopped. He limited his hands to Seth’s back, fearing that straying from there would cause another outburst. He very much wished to touch Seth everywhere. To have the one he desired so close, so very close, was almost overwhelming his sense of self. He fought it, having already made that mistake. He hadn’t hoped for a second chance, hadn’t believed he’d ever be able to hold Seth again. He swore to himself he wasn’t going to screw this up. Not again.

Seth moved slowly, his body reluctantly follow instincts though his mind fought against them. He knelt, pushing Li’s face to the side and up, exposing his neck. He could see Li’s pulse starting to race under the thin skin that protected it. Before his mind could object, his teeth pierced that skin and he drank deeply.

When Li’s heart rate slowed, Seth pulled back. He gazed at the other a minute before he realized that Li had passed out. “Oh, fuck.”

He picked up the limp body and carried him into his bedroom. The light, unused for two years, burnt out when he turned it on. “Oh, fuck,” he swore again as he made his way to his bed. Though he knew the path, he’d never taken it carrying someone. He used his feet to feel ahead of him, edging forward slowly. The way he was carrying Li, he had to go to the side of the bed he never used. It was that fact that made him want the light.

He managed to make the journey without running himself or Li into anything. He put the limp man on his bed and checked his pulse. Relief filled him when he found it, a bit slow and weaker than it should be, but steady. He pulled off Li’s shoes and covered him with a blanket.

Seth spent the night pacing his living room. He felt trapped, caged, but he didn’t want to go to the roof top. He didn’t want to leave Li in his home alone, even though he knew that Li wouldn’t be waking up for some time. He wondered if he should take him to get help, but then, how would he explain the blood loss? He couldn’t exactly admit to what he was.

The desire to scream grew with each step he took. Why was he being trapped in this? He swore he wouldn’t, not again. It hurt too much to have a lover who’d just abandon him. But, he was sure Li would leave him after this. Why would he stay when Seth had nearly killed him? He couldn’t be that insane, could he?

Seth didn’t believe in the nonsense of fate and destiny and ‘perfect pairs.’ Those were just fantasies that others clung to because they couldn’t cope with reality. He had been betrayed by them too many times to continue to believe. Reality was harsh and uncaring.

He felt a growl building in his throat. His body didn’t want to be contained to the apartment. He had to get out. He had too much energy. Dawn was still a couple of hours off. He left his apartment, locking the door behind him and went down, a direction he hadn’t gone in years. When he reached the street, it was nearly empty. He ran, ran as fast as his feet could be convinced to carry him.

Seth barely made it back to his apartment by sunrise. He collapsed in the hallway, an unnatural stillness calming his laboring breathing.

Li was still unconscious on the bed when Seth woke up at dusk. Seth checked his pulse, causing him to stir. He didn’t open his eyes, just groaned and moved. His pulse was stronger, though.

Pacing the living room, Seth couldn’t avoid the idea that he’d have to get food for Li. He didn’t have any food in his apartment. He didn’t need it, though he could eat if he wanted to bother with it. It just came up later and he found that process rather unappealing. All he could remember for sure is that Li would need something rich in iron and protein. So, he flipped through the phonebook and ordered Chinese, broccoli beef and kung pao beef, since he didn’t know what his unwanted guest would want to eat. He also ordered some egg drop soup and egg rolls, because he was convinced that everyone liked them.

He paced his living room, occasionally glancing into the bedroom, while waiting for the food to arrive. Ambivalence wasn’t something he was used to and it didn’t sit well with him. He wanted Li gone, but couldn’t bring himself to actually drag him out and across the hall. He didn’t care if he lived or died, but he had to care for him. He never wanted to see him again and dreaded when he’d be able to leave on his own.

The doorbell rang. It took Seth a moment to remember what the sound was. The food was there, smelling of spices and burnt flesh. He heard noise from his room and looked in on his way to the kitchen.

Li was struggling to sit up. “I’m sorry, I’ll go,” he whispered, trying to get out of the bed.

“Just stay there. You need to eat.” Seth grumbled under his breath as he continued into the kitchen and found the plates and silverware his former lover had left. He hadn’t used it since she’d left him. He scowled at the food, blaming it for the awkwardness of his situation.

Seth glared at the plate with its food. He couldn’t just take it in to the bed like that. It would end up on the bed. Somewhere, he had a tray, he was fairly certain. He rummaged through the cupboards and found it in the last one after he’d completed a full circuit of the kitchen, right next to the first cupboard he’d looked in. Snarling, he put the plate and bowl on it and took them into his room.

The light from the door spilled into the room to reveal that Li was still struggling to get up but hadn’t gotten farther than getting his feet over the edge of the bed.

“I said stay there,” Seth snarled as he came in the room.

“You don't want me,” Li mumbled, wavering as he sat.

“You're not going anywhere,” Seth stated flatly as he put the tray on the dresser by the door. He went over and made Li get back in the bed. “I told you to stay. You need to eat.” He hated that his voice softened when he touched Li. Guilt and anger filled him, choking him. “Even if you are...I still took too much.” He didn't believe those myths.

Li struggled some before wilting into the bed. “I--”

“Shut up already,” Seth snapped. He went back to the dresser and brought the tray over. Frowning, he sat on the bed, the tray balanced between his and Li's lap. He picked up the fork and stabbed some broccoli beef onto it. “Eat,” he ordered, holding the food to Li's mouth.

Baffled, Li opened his mouth obediently. He chewed and the next bite was hovering, waiting for his mouth to be clear before he swallowed. In short order, with no chance for conversation between bites.

Seth left the soup for Li to drink himself. He scowled, his expression forbidding conversation. While Li drank meekly, Seth took the tray back to the dresser. He leaned against the wall between the door and the dresser, hiding in the shadows. “You didn't fight me,” he said, his tone accusing Li.

Li cradled the bowl of soup in his lap. “No,” he said, his voice expressionless, his eyes on the bed.

“I could have killed you.” Seth crossed his arms over his chest.

Li didn't look up. “I know.”

Seth stormed across the room, punched the foot of the bed with both hands and demanded, “Don't you care?”

Li looked up. “I don't know.”

“What the fuck do you mean by that?” Seth all but screamed.

Li winced. “It...it was you. I don't want to die, not yet, at any rate. But, it was you.” He looked back down at the bed. He was almost surprised that Seth didn't say something in the pause. After swallowing, he continued, “I couldn't fight because it...” his words trailed off. He took a deep breath and a swallow of soup. “In my head, there was screaming. Part of me wanted to fight you, but I couldn't. I wanted what you were doing more than I wanted you to stop.” He laughed, short, bitter. “I know it's stupid. But, I wanted...I needed you to touch me. It didn't matter how, just that you touched me.”

Seth's knees collapsed uder him and he knelt at the foot of the bed, his forehead resting on the mattress. “Damn it. All of it, damn it all.”

Li nodded in silent agreement. “It...if I didn't feel this way, it...it would be better, wouldn't it?”

“I couldn't throw you out,” Seth said, his voice almost lost in the bed.

Li's mouth twisted into a wry smile. “I'm sure you wanted to.”

Seth sat back on his heels, rubbing his face. “I haven't left the building in two years. I left yesterday.” He ran his hands back into his hair. “What do we do?” he moaned.

A tiny flicker of hope took up residence in Li's chest. “Do you want me to leave? Leave here, and when I can, leave the building?”

A bitter smile curled Seth's lips. “I wish I could say yes to that.”

“Tell me, then,” Li's voice was breathless as hope tried to grow.

Seth shook his head. “I have no fucking clue.” He sighed. “I've gotten rid of bodies before,” he added grimly. “It shouldn't matter. I should have been able to do that to you.” He shifted so that he was sitting on the floor, one knee bent, his elbow propped on it. “I couldn't, though.”

Li looked at the wall over Seth's head. “I'm willing to do whatever you want.”

Seth’s hand went through his hair again. He took a deep breath and let it out through his nose. He didn’t like the direction his thoughts were going, but saw no other way out. “I’ll give you one chance.” The light behind his back hid his expression, though his eyes glowed when he looked up at Li. “We’ll be friends,” he twisted the word unmercifully. “If you push farther than that, I will kill you. I will push past the stupid instincts or whatever the hell they are and kill you. I won’t care, either. Clean up is part of the organization’s job.”

Li’s face would have blanched if he weren’t already pale from blood loss. His mouth worked a moment then he nodded. “What…what limits?” he asked, his voice trembling.

Seth rubbed his forehead. It was far too much. Though he was trying to ignore it, he really did feel remarkably well physically. It was the twisting in his head that bothered him. “No more kissing, unless I start it. No touching me, unless I start it. Just…don’t do anything unless I start it. And, if I tell you to back off, do it.”

Li huddled around the bowl of soup in his lap. “I can do that,” he whispered.

Seth pushed himself up from the floor. “Finish your soup and get more sleep. Even if you are one of them,” he waved his hand, dismissing the idea as he brought it up, “you’ll need more rest.”

“Thank you,” Li sighed, draining his soup and holding the bowl out to Seth. He wished the other man looked happier with their arrangement, but he wasn’t being kicked out, so that had to count for something. He slid down the bed and curled on his side. It didn’t take long for him to drift off to sleep.


A/N So, yeah...now they have an agreement! And, since I made a note to remember, 'ennui' refers to a mixture of sorrow and boredom, a general dissatisfaction with life. It comes from a word meaning "annoy."