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The next day, Richard was taking me around town so I could get photographs for my articles. He had stories about every place we visited, but I was only half listening. I needed to ask him something, but was having the worst time working up the nerve for it.

We were just about back to the house when I managed to blurt out, “I'd like to see some porn.”

“Say what?” he asked, turning to me.

Why is it the ground won't open and swallow you conveniently? “I'd like to see some porn,” I managed to repeat.

“Like the stuff I brought over?” he asked, sounding both confused and ready to laugh.

“Ah...no...not exactly,” I mumbled, looking away from him.

“You're falling for him?” he asked, surprisingly softly. “I'll bring you some tomorrow. Realistic stuff so you don't have to watch it with me.” And then he laughed.

“I was feeling better.”

He covered his mouth. “Sorry,” he mumbled through his hand.

I took him at his word instead of the barely controlled giggles. “I appreciate the help and your discretion,” I said, leaning heavily on the last word.

“Hey, I know to keep my mouth shut,” he protested. I can see a thought occur to him. “Hey, about, y'know, that....”

I made a face. “I'm not going to write about that part, only generalities.”

He was bright red as he swallowed and nodded. “Thanks,” he mumbled. He looked away from me. “I don't suppose I could, y'know, peek?”

I shake my head even though I know he can't see me. “Nope. Anthony gets to read over them before they're submitted, but that's it.”

“Well, Anthony will protect my honor,” he huffed and then became flustered. “I mean--”

“I know what you mean,” I reassured him. “Have you decided?” I ask, changing the subject.

“No yet, almost though. I talked to my dad and his partner. They're very supportive of me and told me I'd have a home here, no matter what, so that helps a lot.” He shrugged. “I've been talking to her, too. She said she'd accept my decision and understands it's not easy for me.” He looked at me. “I'm mostly certain I'm going. There's just one more person I need to talk to.

I put a hand on his arm. “No matter what you decide, I hope you're happy.”

He hugged me tightly and left for the night.

The next day, Richard dropped off the movies and left. I was pretty much done with interviews and everything I was going to do. I needed to write up the articles. I had three to do, not a problem with the three days I had left in Sedona and the two days I had when I got home.

Though I really didn’t want to, I emailed my woman-friend and asked her if she’d be up for a date when I got back in town. I felt like I was cheating on Anthony, which was stupid because I was doing what he asked me to do.

And, the porn was more tempting than it should have been. Though I was sorting through the pictures I’d taken, my eyes kept returning to the case on my desk.

There was nothing fancy about the case, just a black DVD case. Nothing more, nothing less. I kept turning to it, though, as if it were both repulsive and immensely fascinating. As I sat, working on my pictures, the more fascinating it became.

About noon, I decided to go ahead and give it a try. Though, to say ‘decided’ implies there was something rational there. There wasn’t. I could see it even when I wasn’t looking at it.

I closed my door, leaning against it as if that would keep it closed better, and put the DVD into the drive on my laptop. I really don’t know what I expected, but I don’t think it was what I got.

It started with two guys, both blond, one with darker hair than the other, kissing each other in a bedroom. There was something vaguely familiar about them, but I couldn’t place it and they didn’t look at the camera.

They started out dressed and their kisses light and teasing and gradually deepened until they were wrapped around each other and the only reason their shirts made it off was because they were button up.

My eyes were glued to the screen. There was a music track, like with most porn, but not multiple camera angles. The camera didn’t move. These guys were…filming themselves?

That thought lost footing as I watched them caress each other’s backs and their hands slipping lower, over their pants and then under. The whole time, they were kissing as if they needed each other more than air. And the sounds they made. Hungry little mews, moans, groans as if everything, every touch, taste, everything, was utterly perfect.

The guy with the lighter hair arched back and the darker guy began working on his throat at the same time as his hands worked their pants open. He did both of them because the lighter guy was clinging to him as if his knees were ready to drop him onto the floor. He sounded like he was sobbing, too.

Their pants hit the ground and my eyes were glued to their dicks. Swear to anything, I’ve never seen another guy’s dick, ever, and theirs were hard, almost reaching out for each other. My mouth was dry and I had to force myself to swallow.

They pressed their dicks together, both moaning so loudly there was no doubt that it felt good. As they started trying to eat each other’s faces off again, I realized I was seriously turned on. It felt so dirty, forbidden, and exciting.

They moved to the bed a little awkwardly since they couldn’t seem to stop kissing each other.

The lighter haired guy ended up on his back as they squirmed onto the bed. I could see their dicks rubbing together and I wanted to know how it felt. It was then I realized I was fondling myself through my pants. I moved my hand away, my face burning even more. But as I watched them, and I couldn’t not watch them, my hand returned, even unzipping my pants and pulling my dick out, stroking in time to their grinding.

The guy on top kissed down the lighter haired guy’s body, his hands exploring, as his mouth tasted everywhere. And, I wanted…I wanted Anthony there with me, showing me how it was different than with a woman, because I know for damn sure the darker haired guy was hitting spots that women had never gotten on me. And the lighter haired guy was moaning so much, I really wanted to know what it felt like.

Then, the darker haired guy took this bottle of lube and poured tons of it over the other guy’s dick and the other guy screamed in pleasure. There’s a huge difference between the ‘oh, that’s cold’ scream and ‘oh, that’s good’ scream and his scream was definitely the later. What happened next had my eyes falling out of my head, though.

The darker haired guy held onto the lighter haired guy’s dick and sat on it. Like, put it in his ass. That had to hurt, but his groan was anything but pain. They were both making noises that had absolutely nothing to do with pain and everything to do with the best damn feeling ever.

I…wanted to know what it was like. I lifted my hips enough to shove my pants down and started touching my balls and tentatively reaching behind. I’d never touched myself behind my balls. My pants fell to the ground and my knees spread wide and I was pleasantly surprised by how it felt to touch myself there.

As I watched, as I played with myself, the darker haired guy rocked a few times until he leaned forward and kissed the lighter haired guy. Then, they rolled over and the lighter haired guy started humping him, pumping his dick in and out while they moaned, groaned, kissed and clung to each other.

The darker haired guy reached down and started stroking his dick, which had gone limp but hardened up quickly. The lighter haired guy helped him and they both came. I only saw the darker haired guy’s dick spill come, but the way the lighter haired guy moved let me know he came inside.

And, I came, all over my shirt. I felt my balls tightened and I pressed my fingers harder into the flesh behind them because it was the right thing to do. Why I thought this, I don’t know, but it did something that made my orgasm insanely intense.

When I could look back at the screen, they were kissing and caressing each other, enjoying their after glow and the screen faded to black.

The ground opening to swallow me without trace would have really been welcome then. There I was, my dick in my hand, my shirt dirty, having just watched two guys fuck each other and I felt dirty. How the hell was I going to be able to look Anthony in the face again? How was I going to look anyone in the face after that?

I brought my hand up to cover my face and it smelled of ass. I kicked my pants off my ankles and pulled my shirt off. There probably wasn’t enough water in the whole world to clean me, but I took a shower, hoping it would help.

And, I still wanted to do that with Anthony. More, now that I knew what it was. But, how could I ever face him again?

By the time I felt I either had to get out of the shower or drown myself in it, Anthony was home. I could smell food cooking. I wasn’t ready to face him, though. I couldn’t get the noises those two guys made out of my head. When I closed my eyes, even to blink, I could see what they were doing. I wanted to feel it.

I wanted to do it with him.

And, how the fuck was I supposed to have dinner and a normal conversation with him while imagining that kind of stuff? Where are convenient earthquakes? Heart attacks? Oak Creek Canyon was a fault line. It could move any second now. Why didn’t it?

And, fuck, I wanted to do that with him.

My clothes were still on the floor by the desk. I picked them up, wishing the roof would fall in on me. Where are the convenient disasters from the movies?

Dinner was so awkward. When Anthony asked what was wrong, my face would burn and I’d stammer, unable to look at him. Hell, I could barely look at him when he wasn’t asking what was wrong.

It got worse. I really am surprised I survived that night.

Richard came over as we were finishing dinner. I could hear what he said and I wanted to die. If embarrassment were fatal, I would have found out then.

“Hey, I need to get the video back from Steve.”

“Video?” Anthony asked.

My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth, trying to keep my heart from exploding out and my ears were ringing, but I could still hear every word they said.

“Yeah. He asked for a video for research so I lent him one of the real DVDs. Only, I need to return it tonight and I forgot that when I lent it to him.”

Every step they took was an echoing counter point to the thudding of my heartbeat pounding in my ears.

Anthony’s voice was soft as he asked, “Steve, where’s the video?”

The chair really could have chosen that minute to collapse. “In my laptop.”

I heard Richard snigger. That didn’t help. Especially when Anthony followed up with, “Do you want to get it for him, please.”

I’m not sure if it’s fortunate or not that my legs worked enough to carry me into the door. Each step was a mile, all forty-five of them. They got longer when I entered the room. It expanded until I’d walked at least to Phoenix to get to my laptop.

It was fortunate Richard had followed me that far. I’m not sure I could have walked back.

“Sorry,” he mumbled and I could hear him leave. It was amazing sound traveled that far.

I could also hear Anthony breathing in the doorway.

“Is this what’s been bothering you?” he asked. “That you watched porn and obviously it turned you on or you wouldn’t be acting so strangely.” I think I might have nodded because he continued. “Did you get off on it, Steve? Wonder what it’d be like for us to do that, for me to fuck you?” His voice was cruel, harsh, drilling into my mind.

I wanted him to stop talking, to stop saying anything. I crossed the room. I just wanted him to shut up. I kissed him, hard, forcing my tongue into his mouth.

He pushed me away and I landed on the floor by the bed. “No,” he said firmly and left. I heard his room door slamming closed.

Everything shattered. My world collapsed into a million sharp pieces that threatened to cut me if I dared to move. I sobbed, my body threatening to fall apart along with my world. I wanted him. I needed him. And, he’d rejected me.

I pulled the sheets and pillows off the bed and over my head, trying to bury myself, to end everything. All that did was make my head hot and stuffy, but I didn’t move out from under it.

I had nightmares of being buried alive and of Anthony laughing at me while I was buried. I begged him to help me and he said this is what I got for the way I behaved. It was my fault for watching porn in the first place.

I woke up badly, startled, afraid that I’d actually been buried. I also didn’t see Anthony at all that day. I hid in my room until after he left for the day and was back in before he came back for the night. I did have a lot of work to take care of and he didn’t bother me.

And, every two minutes, I was thinking of him, wondering what we could have, if we could have anything. And, then, I’d remember him pushing me away and telling me ‘no’ and I’d be miserable again.

I wanted pistachio ice cream but didn’t have the will to go out and get it. I’d fall apart if I left the room longer than it took to get coffee or food. He had a bottle of scotch that was more and more tempting as the day went on. He arrived home before I could give in to that temptation. I’m not terribly sure if this was a good thing.

The next day was the full moon. He didn’t leave in the morning. I kept listening for him to, but he never did.

What he did do, instead, was come in my room around noon. “We need to talk,” he said as he opened the door without knocking. His voice was cold.

I could feel myself shaking, afraid of what he’d say next. “I’m listening,” I managed to say calmly. I was sitting at the desk, typing, pretending to work.

He sat on the unmade bed. “You’ve dealt with a lot of culture shock,” he started, sounding like he’d rehearsed the words many times. “And, you were hurt just before you came here.”

“I’m sorry,” I broke in. “I shouldn’t have forced anything on you.”

“That’s not the problem, Steve.”

“It’s not?” I was utterly baffled.

“No, it’s not. The problem is that you’re suffering culture shock. Had I been as smart as I thought I was, I would have treated you different and then you wouldn’t be suffering this way now.”

“This is not culture shock!” I protested. “If it were, I wouldn’t want…to…” I couldn’t bring myself to finish the sentence.

“You wouldn’t want to what?” he demanded anyway.

I shook my head. “Look, we agreed on a course of action. I’ll follow through with it. I’m sorry about forcing you. I won’t do it again.” I couldn’t look at him, though.

Anthony’s voice was closer to me when he talked again. “Look at me, Steve.”

When I looked up, he was standing right above me. “Yes?” I asked, my voice sounding sullen to my own ears.

He lifted his hand slowly, hesitating, and then placed it on my shoulder. “Steve, as much as I want you here, as much as…” He shook his head. “This isn’t what you need to hear.” His thumb brushed up against my neck.

I felt tremors course through my body. “Then what do I need to hear?” My voice sounded faint to my own ears. I wondered if that was how it sounded to him.

“You need to hear that you are to go home tomorrow and not talk to me…” His mouth worked, but nothing came out.

“For a month,” I continued.

His other hand came up and caressed my cheek. “I want…but…it’s better for you if you don’t come back.” He was struggling to talk and he looked more like he wanted to fuck me, though that wasn’t the right word for it. There was more in his eyes.

And, I wasn’t as all repulsed by the idea. It didn’t even occur to me that I should be. “I’ll decide what’s good for me,” I gasped out.

“Really?” he challenged.

I reached up and held his hand to my cheek. “Really.”

“I should leave,” he panted. “I should leave this room.”

“Why?”

He bent closer to me. “Because I’m in love,” he whispered just as his lips brushed mine.

Would you think more or less of me if I say I didn’t even think of stopping him? I wanted more. I reached up with my other hand and clung to him while I stood so he wouldn’t move away.

What happened next was wild, insane, shouldn’t have happened, but I wanted it to again and again.

He drew me closer, his hands on my back, moaning into our kiss and I reciprocated with one hand in his hair and the other on his lower back. His hand slipped below my waist band. I echoed the movement and we both groaned.

He rocked his hips into me and I clung to his ass, urging him to do it again. I was hard and I could feel his erection through our clothes. He never let go of my mouth as he reached between our bodies and unzipped my fly.

I screamed into our kiss when his hand wrapped around my erection, my nails digging into his scalp and ass, pulling him closer as he stroked my length.

As he continued, I found some part of my brain again that said he should be pleasured, too. I somehow managed to get his pants undone and my hand into them. His groan was long, low and delicious as I stroked him.

We came together. It was strangely satisfying and not quite to have his come land on my wrist. It was hot, burning hot, to know I’d done that to him. After another long moment of kissing, we were able to draw back. I let my head fall forward onto his shoulder, turning to brush my lips against his neck.

“You will go home tomorrow,” he panted, resting his forehead on my shoulder.

“Yes. I’ll do what you said, I promised you that.”

He nodded but didn’t move away. We stood there for I don’t know how long, one hand each down the other’s pants, my other hand around his head, his other hand clinging to my back.

“Steve,” he whispered.

“Yeah?”

“Promise me one more thing.”

“What?” I asked, too content to be afraid.

“Don’t say good-bye to me tomorrow.” He sounded tense, even terrified.

I lifted my head and kissed him as softly and as gently as I could. “I won’t.”

“Don’t tell me you’ll be back,” he added.

That one hurt me, but I said, “I won’t.”

His head fell forward onto my shoulder. “I need my dreams,” he sobbed.

I wrapped my arms around him, forgetting that one of them was dirty. I didn’t care that his hand was dirty as he clung to me.

“This isn’t what I came in here for,” he sniffed after a few minutes. “I came in to tell you never to come back.”

“That’s my decision,” I countered firmly.

“Don’t make it yet, promise me that much?”

The problem with that was I pretty much had made up my mind at that point. “I’ll do what you told me,” was as close as I could get to promising him.

He lifted his head from my shoulder and kissed me so softly I could feel that he meant it when he said he loved me. If what he was offering me wasn’t love, I didn’t want to know what it was. “Take a shower, get dressed.” He kissed me again, longer, a little deeper this time. “I…am not going to kiss you again until everything’s sorted,” he whispered, his lips brushing mine as he spoke.

My eyes were closed, had been since he kissed me the first time. I leaned in, kissing him, trying to express myself the way he’d expressed himself. I wanted what he offered. I wanted what was in my arms. I wanted to be wanted. I don’t know if I loved him. That wasn’t something I had experience with, but I knew want. And he was in my arms.

When he moved away, I felt bereft. He didn’t look much better. “One more favor,” he asked, his voice trembling slightly.

“What?” I asked. I wasn’t quite prepared to promise him anything, not until I came back. Not until we were together.

“For the rest of the time you’re here, please don’t touch me.”

My hands clenched. “Okay,” I choked out. It hurt, but I could understand. He wouldn’t want to stop, I wouldn’t want him to stop.

He left the room.

I really don’t recall much of anything about the ceremony that night. A sense of sameness, a sense of difference.

The only awkwardness was when I saw Sean and Mark again. Both blond, one lighter than the other. I felt my face burn. I was sure it was them I’d seen in that video, but I really didn’t want to know.

That night was just as late as the last ceremony. I know there are a lot of notes, but I don’t want to really go into it and it isn’t needed for this story.

We didn’t speak the next morning, not over breakfast, not while he watched me finish packing, not as we packed the car, not even as I stood by the door of my car for a long moment.

I slid into the car and he watched as I pulled out. I could see him in the rearview mirror until I turned the corner.