The Art of a Perfect Life

III


It's not easy love, but you've got friends you can trust,
Friends will be friends,
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention,
Friends will be friends,
When you're through with life and all hope is lost,
Hold out your hand cos friends will be friends right till the end

–Queen, "Friends Will Be Friends"


In the days, no, years, to follow, April and I dated. I guess it was great for a little while. I think that I’m just now realizing that the only reason I was with her for that long was for the popularity. We partied all the time. I can’t really remember the last time I wasn’t drinking with somebody on a weekend.

The first time I went to a party, I felt really awkward and out of place. April tried to get me to socialise, but it’s really hard when you don’t know anyone, ya know? I just stood back in the corner, drinking my beer all alone, while I watched April get more and more drunk. I watched her kiss a lot of guys that night, and all throughout our relationship it only got worse. I never wanted to say anything though, I didn’t want to cause a problem. Anyway, as I was standing there and watching her, she got on top of a table and started dancing to that one song by Justin Timberlake, you know, Sexyback. I really wanted to bash my head in when I heard it. April did pretty much.

She ended up falling off the table and hitting her head on the corner of a chair. She had a concussion, and I had to drive her home, even though I didn’t have my licence yet.

After that first party, I really started to loosen up. There are many nights that I have no recollection of whatsoever. I wonder if the only reason people started to like me was because of the things I did while I was drunk. Maybe I was funny? Maybe I kissed a lot of girls? Maybe I kissed a lot of boys? That might explain why April and I had some problems. We had our fights. I tried to stay away from her as much as I could without her getting pissed off. I couldn’t take her constant nagging at me. She always said that I was too analytical, and that I tried too hard. I honestly didn’t know what she was talking about, and when I tried to tell her that, it only made it worse. She told me all the time that I was impossible, and she didn’t really know why she stayed with me. Why did she? Maybe for security? Or sex? I just couldn’t handle her trying to control me, and to change me.

I never wanted to have sex with her. It just sort of happened. It always does though. I’m not sure if couples ever plan on when they’re going to have sex.

"Oh honey, let’s do it on the second Thursday of every other month, sound good?"

"No dear, Thursdays don’t work out for me, let’s try it on Tuesdays."

"But you know I have band practice on Tuesdays, lets go for Mondays?"

"Okay, it’s a deal."

That doesn’t happen. And it didn’t happen with us. I wish it could be one of those things where we were too drunk to remember what happened. I think it would have been much easier, especially toward the end of our relationship. She knew that I didn’t enjoy it, and I only pretended so she wouldn’t get upset. I really did care for her though, just not enough.

It was a weekend, a Saturday, I think. We were at this party, and there wasn’t really anyone there that we knew, just the kid who invited April. I guess they used to be really good friends or something. Either that, or he paid her in exchange for something, I don’t know, I just heard a rumour once. But that was back before I had anything to do with her, so I didn’t think about it.

Anyway, since we didn’t know anyone, we just sort of drank until we thought we were too drunk to comprehend things. Boy were we wrong.

We both kind of started making out on the couch. It wasn’t too awkward, we were known for doing that. The only awkward thing was that I knew what was on her mind, and I didn’t really want to think about what might happen. Everyone else just kind of stood back and let us be. We decided to go upstairs to be alone and "talk", as she called it. We stumbled up together, still kissing and starting to realize what we were about to do. She gracelessly took my shirt off, with me falling all over the stairs, and I think it ended up downstairs. I never actually found it.

We found this empty room, which I think was the kid’s parent’s room, it seemed like a parent-style room: huge bed, lots of grown-up artsy things. It had beautiful paintings that I made a mental note to find out who they were by, I didn’t recognise them. She pushed me onto the bed, which had a red comforter with gold threading around the seams, and climbed on top of me. I tried to push her off, but she must have thought I was playing a game with her or something, because it just turned her on more. She started taking off my pants, and I decided to go along with it. I felt all awkward, and a bit dirty. I knew I didn’t want this, but I just closed my eyes and let her do it anyway.

When everything was over, I didn’t think either of us was very satisfied. It wasn’t nearly what everyone made it out to be. Sam always told me it was the best feeling in the world. She smiled and kissed me, got dressed, and said she wanted to go home, because it was getting late. It was only 1:30. But I listened, like the polite gentleman I was, and put my clothes back on, well, I put my pants back on. She took me home and said she’d call me later. I went right to sleep, so I doubt she actually called.

After that night, we had sex a lot. Every time I took the time to go see her, we’d do it. I have no idea why. We both knew we didn’t like it. It wasn’t amazing or anything. It was just something to do. It was always awkward with us.

This one weekend, April took me to a party, and introduced me to her cousin, Chad. Chad Gates was tall, 6' to be exact, with perfect blond hair. He was tan, and very athletic. Seeing him that night made me realize why exactly I didn’t like having sex with April. It also started to make me understand why people in school said the things they said to me all those years.

Chad was always really popular in high school. He had tons of friends, and really pretty girlfriends, like Marsha McClintock, who every girl dreamed of being. She was a cheerleader.

Chad never actually enjoyed playing sports, but his dad was a big college football star, you know the type, so all through junior high, and the first part of high school, he was forced to play too. He hated it. He had the right body for it, but his head just wasn't in the game, as his father always pointed out. Those words got old really fast.

Something that I don't understand about Chad is that before he met me, he had a lot of friends, and partied all the time, but he just spent his free time alone. When he met me, we became best friends, so he started hanging out with me, and going back and forth to Fernley.

His mother was glad when he met me, because he always left the house. I think there were a few reasons she liked it when he'd leave. One of them is because he could get away from his dad, he didn't have to hear his yelling and everything because he wasn't the quarterback or anything. God, there was Hell to pay when Chad quit the team. I wonder where he went, he didn't know me yet...maybe I shouldn't think about it.

Another reason I think she wanted him out of the house is because she was embarrassed. His mom was an alcoholic, bad. She was always drunk. And not in the fun way that we'd get drunk, but in the way that she couldn't handle being sober. Its sad when you have somebody you care about get lost because of alcohol. Okay, now I just sound like one of those dumb commercials for AA or something.

The point is, outside of me and Marsha, and a little bit of Joey, Chad had nobody. I'm glad I was there for him.

My most fondest memory of my and Chad had to have been the one time we got so bored, and we were still a little buzzed from the party we’d been at the night before, that we went to this little shop that sells novelty items and things. We both bought kites, mine had Spiderman on it, and Chad’s had a cat...I know, I teased him about it for a long time.

It was only a little windy out that day, so when we went to the big soccer field to fly our kites, it didn’t work as well as we would have hoped. It would have been hilarious if somebody who was driving by had a video camera, because watching two teenage boys running around with these kiddie kites, had to be great.

Our kite strings ended up getting crossed with each other, so we had to fight to get them back. I ended up falling on my face, and then Chad toppled over on top of me. God that hurt.

We were way too lazy to get up, so we just ended up laying there, looking up at the fast paced clouds go by. We even took the time to find cloud shapes. I miss that time in my life.

When Chad walked into the room, he immediately went over to April, who was across the room talking to one of her friends. I was sitting on the couch, just staring at him in awe. Just looking at him made me nervous, and my palms were all sweaty. I was dreading the moment he would come over to me and talk. What was I supposed to say? I just kept thinking that I would drool, or say something completely stupid, or off key.

When he finally did come over, he wasn’t alone. April brought him over and introduced us.

I found out that he was her mother’s sister’s son. He was a year older than me, and didn’t really like sports all that much. He lived in Fernley, really close to where my dad lives actually. He was just there for the week to visit April’s family.

April left us alone, and we started to actually talk. He asked me if I actually liked April, and I told him I liked her, but not in that way, ya know? He completely understood, which was good, because I was so afraid that he’d get all pissed off at me for talking bad about his cousin. He said she was the most annoying person in their family, because she thinks she’s hot shit, and talks too much. I had to laugh, because I knew exactly what he meant. He was actually a really awesome guy, we had a bit more in common than I thought we did. I mean, he was much more different than me. Just by looking at him, I assumed he was way above me, like he wouldn’t even give me the time of day.

Chad was my first friend besides April. I don’t know how or why, but I ended up asking him if he wanted to come over to my house after the party, to hang out. I didn’t expect him to say yes, I mean, we had just met, but, much to my amazement, he agreed to. I’d never had anyone over to my house besides April. And she only came over to eat dinner occasionally.

Chad and I had one of those friendships where opposites attract. I was bookish and loved school and the arts. I doubt he even knew what a book was, he hated school, and I think the only painting he’d ever done was finger painting when he was four. He was always cutting class back at his high school.

My mom was really happy that I’d finally made a friend. Two people who weren’t happy were April and Jennifer. April didn’t like that instead of spending all my time with her, I was dividing my time between her and Chad. Jennifer was a little more understanding than April. She just felt like she didn’t fit into my life anymore. I still feel really bad about that. I never meant for that to happen as much as it did. I always tried to include her, and tell her my secrets.

One night, when Chad had a three-day weekend, he came into Hawthorne. He asked if he could stay at my house, which was normal, since he secretly hated April’s family. We were sitting in my room, listening to music. Chad had just bought the new White Stripes album, and we were checking it out. I instantly fell in love with it. I loved Meg’s drumming, and it reminded me that I’d never even heard my dad play before. And Jack’s guitar and bass were amazing, enough to put me in a trance. I was secretly in love with Jack. Chad was openly in love with Meg.

At one point, I lit up a cigarette, which Chad usually protested against, especially being inside. It wasn’t really the fact that I was smoking, or that I could get sick from it. He was always afraid that somebody in my family would smell it and I’d get in trouble, or worse, that I’d catch the house on fire.

So I’m sitting at the top of my bed, resting my head against the wall. I’m sort of lost in the music, not hearing much of anything else but Jack’s voice. Chad was sitting on the end of my bed, I guess he’d been staring at me for a few seconds. The next thing I knew, I was getting the strangest compliment I’d ever gotten.

"You know, when you sit like that, smoking your cigarettes, you look really sexy. Anyone who gets to have you is really lucky."

I was astonished. Was my dream coming true? I panicked, and the only thing I could think to do was kiss him. So I set my cigarette down in the makeshift ashtray that Jennifer made for me in her art class, on the desk, and pushed myself closer to him. I definitely knew why I was having problems with April now.

He actually let me kiss him. He even kissed back. He grabbed the back of my head, pulling me into him a bit, but then stopped. He looked at me, with this really confused look on his face.

"Derrick, look, I’ve known since that first time we met that you were into me, and I wont deny it, I wasn’t lying when I told you just now that you look sexy like that, but I just don’t think I’m into that. I wanted to kiss you to see if I am, and I think I have the answer . . . I’m sorry man."

Words just weren’t coming out right away. I was shocked. So many things went through my head in those few short seconds. I needed to take a minute to sort out what had just happened.

"What just happened?" I kind of stumbled through that sentence. Smooth Derrick, real smooth.

"Well, we kissed. What’d you think about it?"

I wanted to kiss him again, but I knew that would be the wrong choice.

"I really liked it. I’d do it again, if I thought you’d be into it. But, like you just said, you aren’t into it. I never expected something like this to happen, I’m sorry if I forced you into that. Sometimes I don’t know what gets into me. Now I know what I think I’m into, and it’s not April. Are you going to tell her?"

"Do you want me to? Maybe she won’t mind. I mean, people experiment, it’s healthy. I’m sure she’s messed around behind your back, she’s no Little Miss Perfect, you know?"

"Yeah, you’re right. I don’t want to be the one to tell her though . . . "

"Its no problem. No hard feelings then? Still friends?"

"Still friends, I hope."

Chad did tell April what had happened, so he said. She never said anything to me, just acted weird for a while, but I guess she got over it.

That was that. We never kissed again. Well, we did one more time, right before we pulled
the triggers. But I’ll save that for later.