To Love's End

I felt a little disoriented as I made my way downstairs. I had definitely enjoyed what had just happened and didn’t want to end it. I really had to come to terms with the idea that he did like me. It was something so hard for me to accept. I almost felt a tad bad for showing this insecurity and mistrust so much that he had to reassure me. I just wanted to make sure there was no more confusion between us… I just had to work on being more open.

I wasn’t too keen on returning to Amy’s room, because I was sure there was to be more speculation after my lengthy departure. I really just wanted some time to think. I grabbed a sweater and stuck my slippers on.

I pulled open the heavy oak front door and stepped into the night. The temperature hadn’t changed much since I’d been out here earlier. The night was pretty silent; the only sounds those of the odd car passing by. I sat in a green plastic chair at the end of the porch, pulling my legs up and hugging my knees for warmth. I rested my head against my knees and closed my eyes.

I was so confused. I knew he liked me. I knew I liked him. He’d even assured me of the guilt of I was feeling. So what was the problem? Why was I feeling this unease? Was it because everything we were doing was completely and utterly forbidden? Was it because I knew we’d never be able to have a normal relationship?

I guess this was just something that went along with it. I’d have to understand that just as he would. We’d never be able to be open to anyone about our relationship. In fact, no one could ever find out. We’d be crucified by our families… I’d just have to accept this.

I sighed. I felt rather weary, but in a content sort of way. I was unexplainably happy, conclusively knowing that someone did, in fact, like me. I worried about the future of our relationship but knew fate would be the ultimate judge.

I’ve just got to make the best of what I have.

All that mattered were feelings… That’s all that should matter, I thought.

Sometime later, I drifted into a sound sleep on the cold porch. I’d been satisfied with the conclusions I’d reached and they lulled my mind in a state of passivity. After all, it was a good deal past midnight and I’d experienced things I hadn’t even imagined before.

For the few hours I slept on the porch, in which surprisingly no one found or awoke me, I had a strange dream.

I dreamt I was somewhere outdoors. I think it was Chris’ backyard. He and I were sitting in the kiddy swings at the back of the yard, holding hands. We were talking about something that I can’t remember when suddenly both our mothers approached us. For some reason, we made no attempt to stop holding hands. My mother demanded to know what we were thinking. She yelled that I had no respect for the family image and I was sick.

I remained silent throughout her enraged tirade and felt no guilt or remorse. Only when she told me she could never look at me again and would never speak to me did I begin to feel sadness. I felt Chris drop my hand as my mother told me I had to leave. That I could never return to live with them. And suddenly I was out front of the house, standing alone on the road. I looked back to the porch and saw Chris standing there. I called out to him but he turned away, fading into darkness.

I awoke in a cold sweat, hearing someone whisper my name. I saw my mother standing before me and felt my stomach drop.

“I-I’m so… sorry. Please, please don’t do this…” I cried, clinging to her arm in my dreamy state.

“Julie, are you alright?” She asked with concern.

I could feel my heart beating and my eyes darted around as I finally recognized where I was. I sighed a breath of relief, realizing it had all been a dream. I held my hands together and looked my mother.

“Yes… I’m fine. It was just a nightmare.” I whispered. What the hell was that? My unconscious mind was sure working over time…

Freud said that dreams are a manifestation of one’s deepest repressions. You can’t lie to yourself in your dreams. I’d always repressed the idea of being abandoned… And now that I’d finally gotten together with Chris, my worries became that of being discovered or abandoned by him.

And that dream had encompassed all of those things. I was truly shaken.

I could still hear my rapid heart beat loudly in my ears as I looked around, noticing the rising sun. I must have slept for nearly four hours on the porch in this frigid weather.

“Julie, why are you out here?”

I rubbed my eyes and told her, “I came out to sit for a minute, but I must have fallen asleep. What time is it?”

She gave me a worried look. “Its about six in the morning, we were just going to bed but I came out for some fresh air. You better hurry inside and warm yourself up. You’re definitely going to catch a cold, if you haven’t already.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and remarked how frigid my sweater felt. I shivered involuntarily and could feel an uncomfortable feeling begin to throb in my head.

Damnit… How had I let myself get sick…? While we were here, most of all! My only time with Chris would now be ended because of my cold, which I could feel beginning to take hold on my body. I gave a fleeting glance toward the sunrise and memories of the dream returned.

We entered the house and I was greeted by encompassing warmth. Only then did I realize how frozen I was. I rushed to the living room and grabbed a blanket that was strewn across the couch. My mother asked if she could get me anything and I told I would be ok, that I was just a little cold. I cuddled on the corner of the couch, in somewhat of an upright position. I wasn’t feeling too bad at the moment but I had my suspicions I was going to get worse soon. I could feel it coming on.

My mom told me goodnight and made her way to the spare bedroom. It appeared everyone else had already made their way to bed. I shivered a little, the blanket not helping to warm me much. I closed my eyes to shut out the rising sunlight which shone through the windows. I could really feel my head hurting and my nose was a little stuffy.

I hugged my knees to my chest and turned and closed my eyes. Yawning a tad loudly, I became preoccupied in my thoughts and didn’t notice an added presence in the room. I jumped in surprise-this seemed to be a bit of a reoccurrence- as Chris slid beside me on the couch.

“Hello,” He said, casually, wrapping his arms around my blanket-covered body. His hand touched my cheek and turned my head towards him. He moved to kiss me, but I pulled away.

“You… might not wanna do that.” I told him, my voice sounding a tad nasally. I felt a sneeze coming on and quickly covered my nose with my hands and sneezed loudly. I laughed awkwardly and said, “I’m kind of sick…” I thought he might pull away in disgust but he laughed.

“I figured you might be.” I looked at him with a strange expression. “I saw you sleeping out on the porch…” I looked at him angrily and demanded to know why he hadn’t woken me up. “You just looked too cute. You were sleeping so peacefully I couldn’t disturb you… And the fact that David wouldn’t leave me alone…I didn’t have a chance to get away from him.” David was our younger cousin who seemed to constantly be following Chris around.

I heaved a sigh of exasperation. Here I was, probably developing a fever (already fairly sick) and he was laughing at me.

“Aw, come on. Forgive me?” He whispered. I glanced around the room, checking that everyone had indeed gone to bed. I looked at him, and laughed gently. How could I be mad at a face like that?

“Of course…” I told him. He reached out, pulling my legs and placing them over his. His arms slid around my torso and he pulled me close. I rested my head against his chest and snuggled close. The proximity was comforting and I felt myself warming up quickly. “Chris…” My voice came out as a whisper, my throat feeling a bit sore. “Are you sure everyone’s asleep?”

He laughed. “You could be dying and I’d bet you’d still be worried about that.” His hand began gently stroking my hair and he said, “Yes, I’m sure. Just relax and try to warm up. You’re freezing.” His hand held mine lightly, his thumb running over the top of my frigid hand.

I sat in peace, letting the warmth of his body consume me. I could stay like this forever, just lying in his arms. The way his hand caressed my hair and he held me, so tenderly. I knew now. I had known since that first night and even before. My feelings were more than just a childhood crush. I had to tell him. I wanted to…

“Chris…” I whispered feebly, tilting my head upwards, to look at him. He gazed down at me and said, “Hm?”

I looked him in the eyes for a few moments then said, “Nothing.” He smiled and kissed my forehead. I lay back against his chest and closed my eyes. Maybe this was better saved for another time… I just didn’t have the courage to tell him. I know he had said he wouldn’t hurt me but I wanted to be sure that he felt the same as I did, before indulging him in the secrets of heart. Sure, he had said he liked me and had made all those points about never giving up, but that didn’t necessarily mean he… Well, that he meant anything more than just like. I’d have to just wait and see.

“Go to sleep, my pretty girl…” he whispered as I felt myself drifting into slumber.

Thankfully, I didn’t dream anymore as I fell into slumber that early morning. When I awoke it was nearly noon and the kitchen was bustling with action. Chris was no longer holding me and I was lying upon the couch. I felt much warmer, but was blinded by the bright sunshine in the living room.

I sat up slowly, feeling slightly dizzy. I did not feel well at all. I took a moment and stood up, the blanket still wrapped tightly around me and made my way to the kitchen table feeling weary with sickness.

“Julie, you look pale.” Chris’ mother told me as she sat down at the table. “You must be sick from staying in the cold last night.” She laughed a little and I sighed.

“Yeah…” My voice came out scratchy and I sneezed. My body felt very achy. “Could you get me a glass of orange juice and some Tylenol please?” I hoped vitamin C might do me some good and you couldn’t fail with a good old Tylenol. She did as I asked and brought them to me. She held her palm against my forehead, obviously checking for fever.

”Well, you feel cool, so that’s a good sign. You just need to rest up a bit; it’s probably just a cold.” She told me. I thanked her for the orange juice and Tylenol and gulped both down. My mom walked into the room and asked how I was feeling.

“Crappy.” I told her, resting my head in my arms on the table.

“Well, we’ll be leaving around six o’clock, so when you feel up to it, make sure you have all your things.” She told me. I nodded and ran a hand through my hair. Standing up, I announced I was going to go lay down in the guest room for a while.

I made my way up the stairs, my body feeling very heavy. I sneezed again and coughed. I moaned in annoyance, cursing my stupidity for falling asleep outside. Stopping outside of Chris’ room, I peeked in the open doorway. I saw him, sitting on his bed, reading a book.

“I just wanted to let you know I hate you and take back my apology.” I told him.

He looked at me over his book and laughed.

“That’s nice to hear; don’t you have to go sleep or something?” He asked me.

I rolled my eyes and made my way into the room, closing and locking the door behind me. I crawled into the bed with him, laying my blanket atop myself and him. I straddled him and rested myself upon his chest.

“Yes, you did a wonderful job of keeping me warm last night… Or this morning I guess. I just couldn’t resist coming back.” I began to giggle but it soon turned into a cough, which I covered with my hand.

“Wow, that doesn’t sound too good. How are you feeling, Julie?” He asked, in a more serious tone.

I groaned. “Not very good… I took a Tylenol though…” He raised a hand to my cheek and told me I looked pale. I sighed. But there were other things on my mind.

“Chris… I just wanted to say thank you for staying with me last night.”

He gave me a bit of a strange look and said, “Why wouldn’t I have stayed with you?” Then he sighed. “Julie… You have to realize this. I thought you understood last night. I am not using you for anything… I like you and I want to be with you. I wouldn’t just ignore you because you’re sick… I really like being with you, no matter what. So don’t go acting like I’m going out of my way or pretending. Stop worrying…”

I bit my lip and tried hard to stop myself from crying. I buried my head in his chest as the tears fell from my eyes. His hands gripped my shoulders and he pulled me away and looked me in the eye. My tears fell onto his shirt and my fists were clenched.

“What did I do to deserve you?” I asked quietly, as he wiped the tears from my face. He sat up and leant against the wall, pulling me against himself. He rubbed my back soothingly. “I’ve always tried so hard… and no one ever liked me. No matter what I did… They all used me. They pretended to care and they lied to me.” I hiccupped and sniffled and coughed, all at once. I had to stop crying, I knew my words were coming out jumbled and senseless. I was overwhelmed and had just burst. “I… What they said is true. I don’t deserve this or anything I get. I’m so useless.”

I sniffled and wiped my tears on the blanket.

“Are you finished?” Chris asked. I looked at him through blurry eyes. I didn’t answer. “Julie… I know you’ve been through a lot but you’ve got to stop this. No matter what, I am here. I don’t care what anyone else has said about you, it isn’t true and you know it. You’re beautiful, smart, and kind and I don’t care how many times I have to tell you until you understand. You didn’t do anything to deserve me, you just were yourself. And that’s what I like so much about you. So stop caring about what everyone has to say. It doesn’t matter; you are so far above all of it…”

I didn’t even know what to say but thankfully my tears had dried. He kissed the top of my head and held my hand.

“Don’t ever think, for one minute, that I don’t like you. I am here for you, no matter what Julie. What anyone else says won’t change how I feel about you…”

I looked up at him and smiled.

“I’d kiss you right now if I wasn’t sick…” We both laughed at my comment and I felt so much better. I don’t know if the Tylenol had taken effect or his words had somehow unburdened me even further. “Chris, thank you so much.”

I fell silent and drifted into sleep, once again in his arms. I could really get used to this.

When I awoke I was no longer in Chris’ arms nor was I in his room. I was in the guest bedroom. I assumed he must have carried me there after I fell asleep. Then I remembered all he had told me...He… Well, I didn’t even know what to think right now. Except that I was positively sure I loved him.

I knew then, in the greatest certainty, that I truly loved him. And I wasn’t afraid to admit it to myself any longer. I couldn’t be ashamed of my feelings. Even he had told me that. Well and so many things that had completely altered my opinion of myself. This relationship was turning out to be better for me in more than any ways I’d imagined.

I slowly sat up, feeling a bit drowsy. I glanced at the clock and saw it was nearly five thirty. I remembered my mother had told me that we’d be leaving around six o’clock. I wondered why no one had woken me up yet. I was feeling better, be it from the orange juice, Tylenol, or what Chris had said. With a sigh I stood up and tiredly made my way to Amy’s room, which I found to be empty, and packed up my belongings.

When I arrived on the main floor only his mother was present.

“You look much better,” she commented. I sat at the table and told her I felt it. I became immediately concerned at the look I was getting from her. She had her arms crossed and was leaning against the kitchen countertop. Her eyes were slightly closed and she appeared to be subtlety glaring at me. I began to feel paranoid, wondering if she’d found something out.

I felt fidgety and started up a conversation of an arbitrary topic, trying to keep myself distracted from thinking about it. I asked where everyone else was and she quickly responded sharply.

“Chris has football practice.”

I bit my lip and replied, “I wasn’t talking about just him-” She cut me off and responded, “Oh I just assumed. You know, after all that’s been going on.”

I tried to play innocent.

“I d-don’t understand what you mean.” I stuttered. I knew it, my cover was blown.

“Don’t even dare to quote me on this, but I know how you feel about Chris. I can tell by the way you act around him. Don’t think, for even one second, that he feels the same about you. I will not tolerate you interfering in his life and swaying him to do things he shouldn’t be. You’re not kids anymore and I won’t permit this.”

I sat, stunned into silence.

What the fuck?

What had just happened? Was she actually daring to tell me to stay away from him? I mean, even if we weren’t in the situation we were, he was still my cousin and I had the right to hang around with him whenever I wanted. I mean, I’d never really taken to his mother; she was bit too prim and proper for me. And this made me dislike her even.

She was bullying me! But…Like Chris had said, these things shouldn’t affect me. All that really mattered was what I knew about myself. I was a loving and kind person and if Chris cared about me then all was fine.

“I-I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” I responded as strongly as I could. “I have no idea where you’re getting these ideas from, but you are clearly misinterpreting us just having fun. He’s my cousin and I hang around with him, just like I do with Amy, David, my sister, and everyone else. You can think what you want, but its nothing more than that… It’s sick,” I added, “that you’d even think I feel that way.”

“Well,” She snarled at me, “If I ever, notice anything like what I’ve seen, I will tell your mother and make sure that you are never around Chris again.”

“Sure, whatever, you won’t see anything because there’s nothing to see!” I retorted. At that moment the front door opened and immediately her content and kind demeanor returned. I almost wanted to hit her, I was so mad. How could she be so fake? Just this morning she’d been playing the kind mother and then she was attacking me. Still, her warning made me quite nervous. Just when I’d thought things had settled again.

My mother, Amy, my sister, and his father entered the room. They had gone to drop Chris off at his football practice and then shopping. My mother asked if I was packed and I told her I was.

Soon after, we had put most of our things in our car and were ready to leave. I was slightly disappointed I wouldn’t be able to say any goodbyes to Chris. But at least I’d be leaving on a positive note, his mother’s comments aside. We’d just have to be more careful, like I’d always thought anyway.

We were getting into the car to leave, his family outside to say goodbye. I remembered that I had forgotten a piece of clothing and ran back inside. I was searching through the mess in Amy’s room when I heard a knock on the door. I bumped my head on the bed as I went to look up and cursed. When I saw who had knocked the pain was instantly forgotten.

“Chris!” I exclaimed rushing towards him in excitement. A large smile was upon my face as I jumped into his waiting arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist as his arms encircled my lower back. He was still wearing his muddy clothes from football but I didn’t care. He moved to kiss me but I pulled away, not wanting to pass onto him my cold.

“Julie, I don’t care, just kiss me.” I couldn’t resist and pressed my lips against his. I opened my mouth and deepened our kiss. His hands caressed my back as our passion continued. It was interrupted abruptly as I heard my mother call my name.

“Damnit,” I whispered as he placed me on the ground. I looked into his eyes for a few moments, wishing I didn’t have to go. And then, something within me was sparked and I knew I had to tell him… This was the time.

“Chris, I love you.”

--

So sorry this took so long. I've been bogged down with school and work. I have some really good things planned for later on that I hope you'll like.

Thanks so much for all the reviews! In response to the question about ages... Well, right now they're around 14 (they are the same age, which I believe is mentioned somewhere in the story :D )

Well, I should be able to post a lot more once school is through in about a week and a half. I do hope you enjoyed this chapter!