Touru to Shidou/Touru and Shidou

~*~*~*~Touru

Oh, wow. I just sent it. I just told him I love him. My stomach fluttered unmercifully below my pounding heart. I still had some time left in the lunch period to calm down. God, my hands were shaking so badly I could barely pick up my book bag. I ran into the door on my way out and grinned at the teacher monitoring the room before dashing out of the room. I went into the bathroom to wash my face to see if that would help any at all.

They were there, though. “Heard you got yourself a boyfriend, fag,” one of them, the leader of the group, said. I ignored him, turning to the sink. He grabbed my arm, turning me forcefully to face him while two of the others grabbed my arms, freeing his hands. “I’m talking to you, girl. Answer me.” I looked away. I hoped if I didn’t say anything, they’d leave me alone, mostly.

He grabbed the back of my head and wrenched my head around, “Too bad they don’t want us harming your pretty face, faggot.”

They? I almost said it out loud. He pulled back his fist and slammed it into my stomach, forcing the air and what I’d managed to eat for lunch out of my body. I was almost glad. Lunch landed all over his shirt.

“You fucking bitch!” he screamed, balling his fist and aiming at my face.

“Someone’s coming!” one of them yelled and suddenly, I was alone in the bathroom.

Without someone holding me up, I feel to my knees, shaking. Oh, god, what have I done? What are they going to do next? Who was the they that they referred to? Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.

“Touru?” a new familiar voice called to me. I looked up and Shidou was kneeling next to me. He tried to pull me in to hug me and I pushed him away.

“Go, they’ll hurt you, too!”

“Touru, I’m not leaving you until I known you’re okay.”

I let him pull me in. I just cried in his arms. It hurt to cry, but it’s all I could do. He held me, stroking my hair, telling me over and over that he loved me. I clung to him because there was nothing else I could cling to, nothing else I wanted to cling to.

~*~*~*~Shidou

Would there ever be a time I’d get to see him without him being afraid at some point in our encounters? I’d seen the guys running out of the bathroom. I knew who they were, even though I didn’t know them. I would have done something about them, but Touru needed me more than I needed to cream them into next week. I took a deep breath, trying to get my anger back under control. Touru was more important than them. I held him and he held me until he was calm again. He continued to lean against me, his hand on my chest for a long moment.

“Do you know what I just sent you?” he asked so softly I almost didn’t hear him.

“What did you just send me, Touru?” I asked, looking down into his eyes. They were so full of emotion they seemed darker as he reached for my cheek.

“I just sent you an email that tells you I love you.” My heart leapt to choke me and I covered his hand on my cheek with my own. I think it was shaking. He went on, “I…Malachi and I never said that to each other. I liked him a lot, but you, you, I love, Shidou. And that scares me.” His hand fell from my cheek and his eyes dropped.

I pulled him close to my chest, “I love you, Touru. It’s okay to be afraid. I’ll be here. Did they hurt you?” He shook his head against my chest without looking at me. “Touru, please don’t lie to me. Did they hurt you?”

He sighed, “Not much really. They only hit me once, but it made me loose my lunch all over them, so I guess we’re even this time?” He looked up at me, a half smile on his lips.

I groaned at him, “How are you feeling now?”

He nodded, “I’m okay now. I just wanna rinse out my mouth.”

I watched as he washed his face and swished some water to clean out his mouth. When he was done and dried his face, I pulled him into a hug again. “I’ll see you after class.”

“I look forward to it.” He actually managed to smile at me and I took his hand, meeting his eyes as I kissed the back of it. He chuckled, “Such a romantic.”

I caressed his cheek, “Only for you. I gotta get back to class. The bell’s about to ring. Love ya.”

He covered my hand, “Love you, too.” I left the bathroom and returned to class feeling lighter and heavier than I had before.

~*~*~*~Touru

I leaned over the sink a little while longer, looking at the back of my hand again. I could see that he wanted to kiss me. Why didn’t he? Why did he kiss my hand? I pressed my lips to where his touched, wondering when he’d kiss me. I wanted him to…I thought I did. But, as I stood there, I remembered when he offered to kiss me before. I sighed, he knew how much it meant to me. That’s why he waited, that’s why I wanted him to. I picked up my bag as the bell rang. With people in the hallways, I would be safe.

Through the rest of the day, I had trouble concentrating. I couldn’t sort out my feelings. I was excited, scared, happy, terrified, all of it. I don’t think Shidou realized how much of a threat those guys were. What good was martial arts against knives and maybe worse? Maybe if I could talk to his parents, they could make him see sense? It was a good thing my teachers considered me a dreamer anyways. My mind wandered all afternoon and I kept looking at the back of my hand.

I was looking at the back of my hand, leaning against the gym wall when he leaned next to me, his eyes on my hand. “Does it do tricks?”

I shook my head and blushed, “No, I was just thinking about you.”

“And it worked, here I am.” He grinned at me, “You ready to go?”

I nodded, pushing away from the wall and he wrapped his arm around me, “Where are we going?”

“Secret.” I looked at him and he clamped his lips together and shook his head. He pulled me into the band room, across from the gym just before the doors outside. “But first,” he murmured, pulling me to his chest, “I want to kiss you.”

My eyes went wide, and my cheeks felt warm, “You what?” I could feel my heart pounding against my chest and I reached for him to keep steady on my feet.

“I want to kiss you. I didn’t want our first kiss to be a good bye kiss. This is a hello kiss. I want to give it to you. Will you let me?”

My mouth was dry as I nodded, unable to say anything. I clung to him, not able to feel my legs. He held me close with one arm, the other moving so his hand rested on my cheek and then slid behind my ear. “I love you,” he whispered as he closed the short distance between us. When his lips touched mine, it felt like my heart burst from my chest. It was a light touch, quickly over and I almost cried out in disappointment when his lips pressed more firmly against mine. My arms made their way around his neck and I held him close as he claimed me. I felt so wanted as his fingers caressed my scalp, his arm tightened around my waist and our lips continued to press together. He pulled back slowly, his forehead resting on mine as he panted. I was panting too, clinging to him because my legs were missing. “I love you,” he whispered again.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back, unsure if the words actually were loud enough to be heard. They must have been because he squeezed me tighter before slowly releasing me. I couldn’t remember what I’d been so worried about as we walked out of the school and into the parking lot hand in hand.

~*~*~*~Shidou

Oh, wow. My whole body…just wow. I’d never had such an intense kiss before, never. It’s not like it was my first, nor was I even a virgin, but there was something about that kiss that was just….wow. And he responded to me, he held me, he told me he loved me. My heart wanted to soar out of my body and I couldn’t wait to kiss him again. When we got to my car, I pressed him against it, “Again, please?” Before he could answer me, I kissed him again. A small noise made its way out of his throat as his arms went around my neck again. This time, I let my tongue out to wander, tracing his lips. He made a noise and then let me in. He was hesitant, shy, but I took my time and explored his lips before seeking further in his mouth. When my tongue touched his, he moaned and it went through my body. I pulled him tighter to myself. All thoughts of where we were, of being cautions and gentle with him gone. I needed him, I needed to be closer to him. He pulled me closer to his body, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck as he continued to moan.

“Look’it the fags making out. Doesn’t it make you wanna hurl?”

Touru froze, pulling back, tried to get away from me. I held him as I turned to glare at the owner of the voice. “Go away, now.” It was one of the ones I’d seen leaving the bathroom. Touru was shaking badly and I turned to him, “It’ll be okay. Don’t worry.”

“Like fuck it’ll be okay, fudge packer. There’s only one cure for you.” I looked over my shoulder and saw him pull out a butterfly knife. He used it to gesture at us, “Separate the lover boys and let’s show them what they’re good for.”

“Shidou,” Touru’s voice was so scared.

I looked down at him, “It’ll be okay, I promise. Don’t panic, okay?” My arms were jerked away from him and his arms were grabbed as he reached for me. I didn’t fight them, not yet. “It’s okay, Touru,” I repeated, but I don’t think he heard me. His eyes were wild. He was going to hurt himself trying to get away from them. I could hear him screaming and I closed my eyes to block out the sound. I had to focus.

“Aww, look’it the faggot all trying to hide. Open your eyes, bastard!”

I’d seen this guy around but I didn’t know his name. “Who are you?” I asked, my voice calm. I tried to keep my focus on him even though I could hear Touru.

“The fuck you think you’re doing askin’ questions?”

I had to think. I had to. I had two guys on my arms. That’s easy enough. The leader of this group across from me with a knife. A little harder. It would be the two on Touru that would be the hardest to deal with. I stood up straight, relaxed, waiting. “Just that it’s courtesy to introduce yourself to your opponents. My name is Shidou Itsumuri. And you are?”

“Fuck off. You’re a sick assed girl wanna be.” He glanced at Touru and I could hear him screaming. I almost had to shut my eyes again. It hurt to hear him screaming. I knew he was scared. I couldn’t do anything to calm him just yet. “So, we’ve found something that gets through to her,” his voice was snide.

“You’re not going to hurt him,” I stated, sealing away my fear and slowing myself down, just as I’d been trained to do. It was easier to listen to Touru. I’d hold him when this was over, but for now, I couldn’t care.

“What do you think you’re gonna do about it?” he snarled.

There was a crowd gathering around. This was good and bad in a way. I decided to ignore them. “Nothing until you give me reason to.”

He laughed. It was an ugly sound. I wanted to stop that sound. I had to wait. Fuck. I took a deep breath to master my frustration. “That’s right,” he laughed, “you’re gonna do nothing. Y’know what you’re gonna do? You’re gonna die while your boyfriend watches. That’s what you’re going to do.”

I heard Touru scream. My stomach clenched tightly. My body was ready to act. I just needed him to attack me first. “And what are you waiting for?” Touru screamed more. Gods, I’m sorry, Touru. I can’t help you right now. Just a little longer.

He lunged at me. Perfect. I swung my arms and the two hanging on me were taken by surprise, one of them hitting the guy with the knife, throwing him off balance. The other just fell, his hands sliding off my arm as he did. The two that hit each other grunted in surprise when they contacted. I moved so that I could see them and Touru. He was still struggling to get away. “Touru, calm down. This will be over soon,” I told him, taking my eyes off the three that I had taken care of.

“Fucking right this will be over soon,” the guy with the knife snarled. Stupid. I shouldn’t have looked away. He was too close for me to dodge completely, his knife digging into my stomach as I moved. I heard Touru scream again as my hands came up and threw the guy onto the ground. I winced when the wound made me move wrong, causing him to land badly.

“Don’t move,” I said. I knew that if he landed wrong, his back would be seriously injured. If he moved, he might not walk again. He didn’t listen. “Don’t move, idiot. You’ll break your back.” I could hear sirens and he continued to try and get up. I screamed at him, “Stop moving!”

Things were getting a little fuzzy.

I looked over at Touru and he seemed pale. “Let him go, now.” They listened and Touru was holding me, crying, something about me being hurt.

“It’s nothing, Touru. Are you okay?” He was crying, still. I couldn’t hear his answer. “Please don’t cry, Touru. I’m okay. We’ll just take care of things here and then we’ll go. No problem.”

Why were things getting grayish? My knees went out and I heard Touru scream again.

~*~*~*~Touru

Oh, gods, oh, gods, it’s all my fault. I did it. I told him I loved him and now, now he’s going to die. Oh, gods, oh, gods, oh, gods. Please, not again. Please, please, don’t let him die. Please, I can’t…I can’t!

People were trying to pull me away. Didn’t they understand I needed him? I can’t let him go. Don’t take him away from me, oh please, please, don’t!

“Touru, it’s Pop. Come with me so they can help him. You’ll stay with us, Touru. C’mon. Let’s go. We’re going to follow the ambulance, Touru. Come with me.”

“Please, I don’t want to lose him.”

He turned my chin, making me look at him, “Touru, listen to me. You will be with us. We’re going to take you with us to the hospital. You’re going to be with us. He’s not that badly hurt. They just need to close it up, okay?”

“It’s my fault,” I told him I loved him, I let him kiss me. It was my fault he was hurt. If I hadn’t…

“No!” I heard four voices yelling at me. They were moving me. Pop continued, “You did nothing wrong, Touru.”

Dad spoke next, “Nothing at all.”

I turned to look where the paramedics were hovering around Shidou and the other guy. The other guy was still trying to get away. I didn’t care about him. I looked back at Shidou. He looked so…oh, dear gods, please!

There were police around. They were talking to students. They were looking at me. “They’ll talk to you in the hospital,” Dad said when they tried to push me into their minivan.

Pop sat next to me in the back of the van. I curled into a ball on the seat. I couldn’t stop crying. I was terrified. He stroked my head, telling me things would be okay. I don’t know when, but I found myself leaning into his chests, sobbing while he held me.

I think they carried me into the hospital. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop shaking. I was so scared. I was going to lose Shidou and it was all my fault. If I had just kept my mouth shut. If I had just said no. If I had not…

They shook my shoulders, but I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t make myself stop. They tried to get me to drink something and I couldn’t. I felt a sting on my arm and my body went limp. I looked and saw Mama standing over me, “It’s just a little bit of a sedative. It’ll make you sleepy. Rest, Touru. We’ll let you see Shidou as soon as they have the stitches in and let us see him, okay?”

I thought they were lying to me, but under the influence of the drug, I couldn’t make myself care. My eyes closed and I didn’t dream.

Touru Marcus
AP English, 4th hour

Prompt: Citing examples, explain the difference between perception and reality.

Optical illusions are everywhere. Impossible pictures, vanishing images, phantom connections leave us wondering at the power of the mind to fill in details and struggle to make sense of the world around us. But, these false connections can also lead to strange customs and superstitions, as well.

M. C. Escher is one of the greatest optical illusion artists of this century. His impossible rooms, full of staircases going everywhere, water flowing up hill, fish becoming birds among other flights of fancy draw us in to his web. Our minds struggle to make sense of hands drawing each other, to make the water flow down hill, making the rooms more impossible than they already are. And, yet, people are drawn to these illusions, questioning if there’s a way these things could be real. Could a tuning fork have three tines when it looks like it should have two? If you look at something from the correct angle, will it look like what he drew? His images look reasonable and impossible, inviting us to wonder, to question, to delight.

Psychologists call our tendency to complete images, to make complete wholes out of diverse parts, “Gestalt,” a German word meaning “whole or form,” or “grouping.” Our mind wants to group things because they either belong together, they are close to each other or they appear to form a recognizable shape. If we are presented with a line that curves but is not closed, our minds will perceive a circle because that is the simplest explanation of what we are seeing. This process actually saves us time in processing new or familiar images. We do not have to break down an image into its component parts because our minds have already seen the form of it by filling in the blanks and smoothing out differences due to lighting and distance. Thus, our world makes sense even though the images are constantly changing.

But, this tendency to link things, to bring closure, also extends into situation connections. Superstitions are a result of these connections. If we rub our stomachs and something good happens, our mind links the two events so that we may walk around rubbing our stomachs in hopes of good things happening again. But, at the same time, if we rub our stomach and something bad happens, we may be fearful of ever touching our stomach again, even to wash it. This fear may lead to not wanting to touch our bodies at all because touching leads to bad things happening. Though, with our rational minds, we know that rubbing our stomach will not cause anything to happen, either good or bad, we still tend to group things together because it makes the world simpler. Though we may agree with our rational mind, we still feel trepidation about testing if our connections are indeed false because there is so much about the world around us we do not understand.

Many religions have laws and precepts based off of these type connections. The Jews are probably the easiest to point out, with their canonized laws. They believed that if they were like their neighbors then they would loose their connection to their god. Some of their laws do make sense for the time. Pork is a very difficult meat to cook over the uncertain heat of an open fire and undercooked pork can lead to illness. Many of their dietary prohibitions are resultant from the same sense. However, these observations were also expanded to only animals with non-cloven hooves and ones that chewed their cud would be considered clean to eat of the four legged animals.

Other connections that have been made include “witches” turning into cats, foxes being able to disappear or change forms, blue-eyed blondes casting the “evil eye” if they looked at someone and something bad happened. While we know these things are the result of spurious connections, they still hold a strong place in culture and world perception. While we cannot stop our minds from making these connections, it is possible to challenge them and to break free from the ones that we no longer need, the ones that are indeed false. Scratching our bellies will not cause the end of the world, as it were.

Addendum to essay posted by Thalin on Wednesday at 11:52

To say that breaking away from our preconceived connections is easy would be a lie. Breaking away from superstitions is a frightening path. “What if’s” haunt us. What if it wasn’t a false connection? What if A really did lead to C? Can we live with the results if we’re wrong?

I have to try. I have to break away. If I can manage it, it will be worth it. But I am so afraid.

Do I want to live a life dictated by fear? If that’s what I want, I could always go back to my family. They would be happy with that, wouldn’t they? They were right. I was just being stupid and once I got out into the big scary world, I saw the errors of my ways.

Can I do that to me? Can I be so false to myself? Is that really better than following my heart?

“Is it nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or take arms against the sea of troubles and by opposing end them?” Hamlet spoke of suicide, but isn’t giving into fear and running away from yourself the same thing? Is there really much of a difference, even if your body still lives?

I have to do what my heart dictates. I need to live. I can’t be ruled by fear. I will take arms. I will oppose. I will be happy again.