New Year's Resolution

Chapter Four
Silent Poetry

There’s one thing I would never understand. Why, oh why, was Anna not adored and pampered like she deserved? If anyone in my life came close to being a goddess, it would be her. What the hell was wrong with the guys of that town? Were they blind to this woman’s infinite beauty?

But when it comes to being partial, I would be the most biased of them all. I did, after all, spend every minute I could by her side. I was there to see beyond just her dirty blond hair, her pale, soft skin; her gorgeous smile. I knew the girl on the inside, beyond the cynical surface.

Anna was the opposite of what she portrayed to the general school population. She was an optimistic angel with a ridiculously odd sense of humor. She nearly always meant the opposite of what she said and rarely became upset with the day-to-day troubles of life. The loyalty and caring she showed her friends went far beyond anything I had ever hoped to be.

I knew Anna worried about me. She knew things about my past that I had never told anyone before, and she knew how they would occasionally come back to haunt me. That’s why when I started to realize what was going on I tried harder than ever to smile no matter how terrible I felt.

Though I was dying slowly on the inside, I didn’t cry a single tear. Depression does that to you. You cry your eyes out over a broken nail, but when the big stuff goes wrong, no matter how much you want to, you have no more to shed.

“Are you okay?” Anna asked me quietly.

“I’m fine…” I said in a tone that told her I meant just the opposite. I looked up at her with an idle smile and then back down at my sketchbook. Nearly two weeks had gone by and still I was restless sitting beside her in art class.

I twiddled the wire ring around my finger. I despised this ring, yet I was attached to it in some way. It served as a symbol I suppose; a symbol of the secret I was hiding from the world. I had made an unconscious agreement with myself that I could not remove it from my aching finger until I told someone, anyone of this internal pain.

It was a simple ring, made of a few twist ties intertwined. Within a week a light bruise had appeared around the finger, right before the knuckle. Originally I had been punishing myself for the things I had been thinking. I was such a fool to think that I could teach my heart to love what it didn’t. Now it was a constant reminder of the coming-out I would some day have to do, in some shape or form.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Anna asked after a long silence.

I lifted up my head and smiled hopefully. “I’ll be fine…” I said turning back to my sketchbook.

So far all I managed to do was look depressed, tired or upset. Because I had no way of telling her what was bothering me I simply shrugged it off. I wanted to tell her more than anyone else, but how exactly do you come about saying it.

‘Oh, Anna, by the way I’m a lesbian.’ My thoughts mocked me in my head. ‘Oh that’s nice to know.’ Her response mocked me as well.

Worst of all, what would I say if she asked me who I liked? There would be no hiding my blushing, I was sure only of that. I could say: ‘I can’t tell you that…’ or ‘Please don’t ask me that.’ ‘Why?’ I could imagine her curiosity. ‘Because you know her…and it’s just too weird…’ I reasoned with myself.

“No!” I mumbled to myself angrily.

“Huh?” Anna said with a nervous giggle.

‘Please don’t laugh that way…’ I pleaded, looking at her with an apologetic expression. “Nothing…”

I looked down at her painting; it was almost as stunning as she was. I set aside my stuff and watched her for a while. Her every stroke seemed to have a hidden purpose as she created the masterpiece. I only noticed how close I was to her when her elbow nudged my arm.

“Sorry!” we said in unison.

I turned away and looked across the room. ‘Why did I have to fall for her? Why my best friend? Please tell me this is all just a strange dream!’ I pleaded silently.

I got up and snuck out of the room. The art teacher wouldn’t mind me leaving. I didn’t feel like waiting ten minutes just to ask him if I could use the restroom anyway. I walked down the hall briskly, trying to work off the restlessness.

Five minutes later I didn’t want to go back, I couldn’t stand another minute beside Anna with these thoughts rolling around in my head. But I went back anyway. Anna had put up her canvas and was leaning over the table, looking at another students work.

Why did she have to do that? She looked so adorable with her chin on propped up on her hand, her knees on the stool beside the table. She was wiggling her feet playfully, and her tight jeans called particular attention to her taut butt.

I became weak in the knees as I went to sit down beside her. She was laughing, but about what I didn’t care. I just wanted to wrap my arms around her slender waist. I nearly collapsed in my chair as she turned on me.

I tried desperately not to stare at her lean neck; I longed to kiss all along that exposed skin. My eyes averted but they came to rest on something worse, her chest. I closed my eyes furiously, I couldn’t dare think about that right in front of her.

Thankfully she had been distracted by whatever the table had been chatting about while I was gone and didn’t notice the blushing on my face. After several minutes I looked back up at her. She was picking up her things, getting ready to leave for the next class.

I followed her down the hall like a faithful little puppy, on her heels the whole way. I didn’t want to miss a word she said, no matter what it was. I felt my heart drop as she started to climb the stairs; my next class was on the first floor.

“Bye Anna!” I called after her in a sorrowful tone.

“Bye Marie!” she called back with a smile. “Have a nice weekend!”

“You too…” I said with a smile, but I knew I was in for a long weekend. I had never hated going home more than I had started to now. I only saw Anna in school, except for the rare occasion of a party or when we would go see a movie. My life was on pause until Monday morning.

TO BE CONTINUED