Always
folder
Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
10
Views:
2,720
Reviews:
21
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › -Slash - Male/Male
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
10
Views:
2,720
Reviews:
21
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
chapter 4
“GET OUT!!!” I screech in his face never releasing my hold on him. It’s amazing the range one can hit when the veneer of sanity is removed. I am so pissed at him and everyone. I jumped off my bed and started smashing things. I barely notice him scramble out my door. All I can hear is this insane buzzing noise in my ear. I want to kill someone. I want to smash her brains in. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t even know why I care anymore. I don’t fucking give a shit! That’s not completely honest...
“Fuck! Don’t touch me.” There are hands on me. I don’t want them touching me. In the dim recesses of my troubled mind I recognize that my mom his sobbing and holding on for dear life to my arms and my brother Caleb was the one who tackled me to the floor restraining my legs. I can see their mouths moving. I am sure they are talking to me. I just don’t hear them. It’s almost like watching fish in a fish bowl. The infernal white noise is getting louder an incomprehensible roar in my ears. I am trying to raise my arms to shut it out but they won’t let me.
‘Help me! Please someone...help....me.’ I blubber in desperation. They won’t listen to me. ‘Pleeease!! Somebody put me out of my misery. I can’t take it anymore.’ I scream, my head feeling like its going to explode. Then darkness and silence.
Coming too I felt as if the life had been sucked out of me. My head was stuffy and there is a dull pounding in the back of my head. I couldn’t remember what had happened before I came to. I squinted at the shadow beside my bed. It seemed odd that the light would create one there, then it moved. As the blurry shadow came into focus I realized I was looking at my brother Caleb.
“Caleb! When did you get home? Why didn’t you wake me up?” My voice sounded strange to my ears. I knew I was happy and excited but it came out as barely a mumble devoid of all feeling.
“Shhh. Have a drink.” He placed a previously unnoticed glass of water to my lips gently tilting my head back. The glass felt cool against my dry cracked lips. I didn’t even know I was thirsty. I tried to speak again as soon as I swallowed but everything was going fuzzy again. My thoughts seemed scattered in my head. I couldn’t hold my heavy lids up any longer. I just wanted to tell him I was glad he was home...”Just rest now. It’ll all be okay.”
The days after that just seemed to bleed into each other. I really didn’t notice how much time passed. I remember sympathetic faces, pained and tortured smiles on compressed lips. They all just looked at me. I am so pathetic. I’m not any better than Victor. My parents kept asking every time they brought me food and removed the mostly filled plate, what was wrong. I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t tell anyone they wouldn’t understand. He didn’t want me. He didn’t want me. I never told him I loved him. I never told him . I held it all inside and now he’s gone away and left me alone. That day by the wall was a silent promise to always hold each other. I would die for him, walk through barbed wire without hesitation. I don’t know what he wants from me. Why. Why would he do this to me...make me a pathetic mess. My hair is matted, my sheets soaked with sweat, my body smells like the ass of a gin soaked bum. I can’t talk to my brother who sits by my bed day after day getting more and more haggard as I persist in my mourning. I left my heart around your heart...why would you tear my world apart?(1) I just can’t take it anymore this life of solitude. I love you always...always...always. I just can’t live without you. (2)
With these first coherent thoughts I get up and go to my bathroom. I lock the door and stare at the stranger in the mirror. His heart is bleeding and the pain will not pass. My heart-ache is not receding, body is going numb. (3) I find myself in the white tub knees to chest staring at the starfish shower curtain. There is a pounding in my head that won’t go away. The white noise is back in my ear and is getting louder. I feel so cold. I just want to die. If I can’t have him I want to die at least then I would be free. Free to watch him all the time. That thought brings me back abruptly.
I think it is the first time I have actually articulated my desire to die. The thought on the heels of the first is what about my family? Caleb came home. Caleb came home for me. What would my mom do? Who would she cuddle up with or worry over? For a moment I feel unbelievably suffocated by the enormity of my desires. I take a deep breath and the noise diminishes to a manageable degree. Warm arms surround me. I smell cinnamon and herb chicken. Her chicken? I blink and am faced with my mom and Caleb clinging to me and crying. My mom just keeps kissing my head and whispering that she won’t ever let me go. I feel moisture on my face I’m not sure if its mine or theirs? How did they come in? When did they come in?
********************************
1&2. Always by Saliva
3. Thrown Away by Papa Roach
“Fuck! Don’t touch me.” There are hands on me. I don’t want them touching me. In the dim recesses of my troubled mind I recognize that my mom his sobbing and holding on for dear life to my arms and my brother Caleb was the one who tackled me to the floor restraining my legs. I can see their mouths moving. I am sure they are talking to me. I just don’t hear them. It’s almost like watching fish in a fish bowl. The infernal white noise is getting louder an incomprehensible roar in my ears. I am trying to raise my arms to shut it out but they won’t let me.
‘Help me! Please someone...help....me.’ I blubber in desperation. They won’t listen to me. ‘Pleeease!! Somebody put me out of my misery. I can’t take it anymore.’ I scream, my head feeling like its going to explode. Then darkness and silence.
Coming too I felt as if the life had been sucked out of me. My head was stuffy and there is a dull pounding in the back of my head. I couldn’t remember what had happened before I came to. I squinted at the shadow beside my bed. It seemed odd that the light would create one there, then it moved. As the blurry shadow came into focus I realized I was looking at my brother Caleb.
“Caleb! When did you get home? Why didn’t you wake me up?” My voice sounded strange to my ears. I knew I was happy and excited but it came out as barely a mumble devoid of all feeling.
“Shhh. Have a drink.” He placed a previously unnoticed glass of water to my lips gently tilting my head back. The glass felt cool against my dry cracked lips. I didn’t even know I was thirsty. I tried to speak again as soon as I swallowed but everything was going fuzzy again. My thoughts seemed scattered in my head. I couldn’t hold my heavy lids up any longer. I just wanted to tell him I was glad he was home...”Just rest now. It’ll all be okay.”
The days after that just seemed to bleed into each other. I really didn’t notice how much time passed. I remember sympathetic faces, pained and tortured smiles on compressed lips. They all just looked at me. I am so pathetic. I’m not any better than Victor. My parents kept asking every time they brought me food and removed the mostly filled plate, what was wrong. I couldn’t tell them. I couldn’t tell anyone they wouldn’t understand. He didn’t want me. He didn’t want me. I never told him I loved him. I never told him . I held it all inside and now he’s gone away and left me alone. That day by the wall was a silent promise to always hold each other. I would die for him, walk through barbed wire without hesitation. I don’t know what he wants from me. Why. Why would he do this to me...make me a pathetic mess. My hair is matted, my sheets soaked with sweat, my body smells like the ass of a gin soaked bum. I can’t talk to my brother who sits by my bed day after day getting more and more haggard as I persist in my mourning. I left my heart around your heart...why would you tear my world apart?(1) I just can’t take it anymore this life of solitude. I love you always...always...always. I just can’t live without you. (2)
With these first coherent thoughts I get up and go to my bathroom. I lock the door and stare at the stranger in the mirror. His heart is bleeding and the pain will not pass. My heart-ache is not receding, body is going numb. (3) I find myself in the white tub knees to chest staring at the starfish shower curtain. There is a pounding in my head that won’t go away. The white noise is back in my ear and is getting louder. I feel so cold. I just want to die. If I can’t have him I want to die at least then I would be free. Free to watch him all the time. That thought brings me back abruptly.
I think it is the first time I have actually articulated my desire to die. The thought on the heels of the first is what about my family? Caleb came home. Caleb came home for me. What would my mom do? Who would she cuddle up with or worry over? For a moment I feel unbelievably suffocated by the enormity of my desires. I take a deep breath and the noise diminishes to a manageable degree. Warm arms surround me. I smell cinnamon and herb chicken. Her chicken? I blink and am faced with my mom and Caleb clinging to me and crying. My mom just keeps kissing my head and whispering that she won’t ever let me go. I feel moisture on my face I’m not sure if its mine or theirs? How did they come in? When did they come in?
********************************
1&2. Always by Saliva
3. Thrown Away by Papa Roach