Guide To The Best Porn Fic EVER!
folder
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
4,059
Reviews:
25
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Original - Misc › Humour
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
4,059
Reviews:
25
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work. Unauthorized duplication is prohibited.
For writters wanting to go SSJ
Guide to the best porn fic EVER!!! (Part the Fourth: Better then swinging a bag of gofers over your head.)
You fuckers still aren’t writing properly, so it’s high time I’ve strapped on my cowboy guns to do some cowboy shootin’. I only ask that you come into this fantasy world of mine for a moment if you will. Now look up. See all those wonderful lights? Don’t these colors taste awesome? This should get you into the mood for the godly write I shall induce upon you. Today’s topics are as followed: Sex with Machines and other paraphernalia that use batteries, Cat/Bunny girls n’ boys, Shouta, Ghost Busters, Bands you love too much, More Incest, and once again Harry Potter.
We are going to start off this lesson’s topic by discussing what would happen if you gave someone ears and sent in another person, preferably with a penis, to fuck the living hell out of this so called person with ears. So without further a due and other long-winded sentences stalling for time, I give you, people, with, ears.
1: People With Ears and The Machines That Run Them!
For this little ditty people usually use some sort of bunny chick or cat-girl that you can find in almost any anime romance or sci-fi. But we want something new and along the lines of fresh, like a new shirt from Wal-Mart. Yeah every one knows that smell. So we’re using a guy with ears, a lot like the one from FLCL (Fooly Cooly), in fact we are using him. His name is Naota and as usual I’m going to kill two birds with one stone here because his partner in hot sweaty sex action is going to be the robot Canti. Now remember back a few pages when I said that conventional pairings could shampoo my crotch for all I cared? Well that’s still in effect.
Now here are two things, Naota whom has ears of some sort, and Canti a big fucking robot with an eighteen valve, nuclear powered, atomic wang. This thing will end up Naota’s ass at some point and in positions you thought only possible in Circe De Sole, but first we have to butter up the audience a little. How do we do this again? By ripping every one out of character, making them gay, and do things for unexplained reasons.
Canti will come up to Naota at some point and stroke Naota’s ears. BUT THEY WON’T FUCK RIGHT AWAY! This will go on for several days until something happens somewhere and they end up in a secluded area, or some sort of giant cat basket that crash-landed from space. Naota will start purring after getting his ears stroked because for unexplained reasons they are now far more sensitive then any other part of his body, even to the point of blowing his load from one good petting. Anyways, at some point you’re going to find out that Canti has some sort of fetish for stroking ears and that’s probably the reason so many cats have gone missing lately. Arched back, robotic movements, and a little bit of anal leakage later, you’ve got yourself yet another masterpiece.
If for some reason you decide to beat that dead horse just a little more and use women, at least try an spice it up with some witty lines like, “I may look like a cute little kitty, but this is one wild pussy.”
NEXT!
2: Shouta (Or a Perverts Paradise)
Now you may want to ask yourself what the difference between being a Shouta writer and a pedophile may be, well let me enlighten you. A Shouta writer is an eighteen year old fan girl that thinks an old man/underage boy pairing is the most adorable thing in the known universe, while a pedophile is a sixty year old man that sees it exactly the same way, but tries to ‘live the dream’ if you will. Also the pedophile may have some eight-year-old boys underwear, where as the fan girl won’t.
In order to write the most bitchin’ shouta fan fiction you must dive into the earliest childhood memories and remember what it was like to be a small boy around larger men. If you’re a fan girl, which you are, then this remembrance becomes distorted because the fan girl was never a small boy, unless they didn’t get boobs until they were sixteen. But a boy’s childhood in the eyes of a fan girl becomes that of the steady images of the boy being pressed up against walls and between rugged sailors. So how do we start off our fic with all this in mind? Well, let’s pick something for all the fan girls out there. The Ouran High School Host Club with our main character being Honey. And while I’m at I’m going to cross it over with Fruits Basket and throw Momiji into the mix, and since I’ve already told you how to make a proper cross over, we’re going to cross it one more time with something that by all rights doesn’t make sense but is in the end, undeniably artistic. From the author David Eddings we bring in our older man, Belgarath the Sorcerer. He’s about 7000 years old so I feel he covers the older man role quite well.
Anyways, both Honey and Momiji are running around in all their fan girl cuteness, probably dressed like magic girls, until one day they come across the powerful sorcerer Belgarath. Things happen and he take them on as his apprentices, but soon he grows quite fond of them and amongst the wild they start snuggling close, too close, in their tent until low and behold the ultimate taboo happens. Since I personally don’t enjoy wrinkly old guy sex I’ll leave the images up to you to describe, but I shall note this now and your eyes better be well checked, because the information I’m about to give you is the key to fucking everything. You see Honey and Momiji are orphans and ‘he felt sorry for them both.’ Yes that’s right. This always comes out of pity for the lonely children and is never in anyway prompted by the older man. Nothing says, ‘I feel sorry for these kids,’ then luring them into a tent and ravishing them in every way imaginable.
I can hear you now. “But Hank! You just said that the old man never prompts it! Have my eyes gone insane!? Is your endless incoherency and lack of knowledge only exceeded by your unquenchable thirst for your own urine? What the hell Hank!? What the hell!?”
And I say, “It seems that way doesn’t it! But fear not, for I know everything! Even your bank account number! And your secret recipe!”
You see upon a closer inspection into the taboo tent of man on boy sex, we find that it was actually Honey and Momiji who came onto Belgarath first!
This is when you say, “Holy cat shit Hank! You’re a fucking genius! If I write the fanfic like that then not only will it make the little boys seem devilishly cute, but the older guy won’t come off as some crusty old pedophile.” Don’t worry; the ‘I (Heart) Hank’ shirts will be up for sale soon.
NEXT!
3: Ghostbusters
And we’re not talking about the dudes from the 80’s, though Bill Murray was quite hilarious. Ghostbusters, ghostbusters. What could I mean if I’m not talking about the perfect setup for a four-guy orgy and a green ghost composed of ghostly lubricant? Well, as cool as that sounds I’m going to just keep it simple for you pin-dicks. Ghost sex, it happens all that time, it’s a natural process and it for people trying to keep a gothy fic but without vampires.
Let’s take an alternate universe Phantom of The Opera where the guy is actually a phantom. “In sleep he sang to me. In dreams he came.” What can you deduce from this small snippet of lyrics? Well, lets go back first and remind ourselves of what I’ve been hammering into your head since page one. Man sex = Awesome. That wasn’t the chick singing those lyrics, it was a dude, and what dude you ask? Why none other then the lighting technician. Who else!? (This lighting technician just so happens to be you, thus turning this into a clever self-insertion.) Think about all the dirty rape scenes you can play with when having a ghost to play around with. Did you not watch Hollow Man!? Imagine if you will, being slammed against a wall by an invisible force, lifted ten feet up, and have the feeling of something supernatural have it’s way with your vulnerable/excited body. Put a middle in there somewhere and an ending proclaiming love for one another in there, get the stage crew involved and call it Phantom of The Orgy. You’ll be a hit I swear.
NEXT!
4: Band You Love Too Much
Ever listened to a band and said, “That’s me. That’s how I feel.” And then have you watch a music video and said, “I wouldn’t exactly be offended to watch these guys go at it. You see out in this world there are people that become obsessed with other people. Good Charlotte is a great example. To me they are just N’Sync, but with rub on hate tattoos, whilst to others they are an undeniable sexual fantasy.
I can just see the guys from Metallica now. “Hey Lars, how about you shake those sweet cakes over here and let me slam that ass.” I suppose in turn you could also use celebrities and actors for this as well, because seriously, if you are a living, breathing land mammal, then you want nothing more then to watch Greenday, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nighwish, and Brad Pitt go the hell at it in a superstar orgy of man sex. Get the guys from Brokeback Mountain in there; they can tie up Brad Pitt with a cute little pink lasso and get one of those purple magic wands you can use to electrocute people’s nipples. Then while that’s going on you can get a shouta going on with Hulk Hogan and ‘all the little hulkamaniacs.’ I suppose leaving Vinny Jones out of a three way between Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Swatzenager, would just seem too cruel, but treat him to a piece of Tom Cruise. Oh! Then Johnny Knoxville and Bam can do the wild bum fuck on a skateboard ramp while Tom Petty, David Bowie and Mick Jagger all do a solo until Billy Idol comes in, does the rebel yell and fucks everything that moves. Devo can then find love in A Flock of Seagulls, only to find out that A Flock of Seagulls has been having an affair with Twisted Sister AND Van Halen at the same time. Then out of no where Billy Joel is walking, walking in the middle of the night claiming that he didn’t start the fire, only then to find the Bee Gees and become incredibly horny upon seeing the tight pants.
Fun fact. I fucking love myself.
NEXT!
5: More Incest in The World Of Harry Potter!
Who could Harry possibly screw that is related to him? NO ONE YOU FOOLS! NOT EVERY HARRY POTTER FIC IS ABOUT HARRY POTTER! We are diving into the world of twincest along with a little bonus.
Fred and George are completely identical, they finish each others sentences, and if they are the same then they know exactly what the other wants. Oh, how the love gravy will splatter the walls with love!
Fred and George are going about their daily fuckfest, when suddenly someone shows up with an armload of laundry. Eagad! It’s their mother. She sees the action in motion and then things get out of hand. After much convincing and persuading she joins in on the action adding the element of milf to the equation. They DP her, They ATM her, donkey punch, peekaboo, slobber knocker, dirty Sanchez, fist, DA, DV, throat fuck, tit fuck, piss, poo, fart, yiff, cream pie, and finish her off with a good old fashion two man sloppy bukake.
It is grade school science that twins screw, scientific fact I tell you. So why not push if further and indulge upon the family. This is why the Weasly family never takes vacations, because going to Ginny’s bed is the equivalent to a bumpy six-hour flight through a hurricane of orgasmic fire for your crotch. It just makes sense not to waste ones money.
Anyways, there are some ideas for you hopeless leeches. I better start receiving some better material from you assholes, because the stuff I’ve been reading I can honestly say my dick’s got more taste then some of that crap out there. If I seen any FF7 Vincent and Hojo fics out there I’m going to personally come to your house, fuck your mom, fuck your cat, fuck your goldfish if you’ve got one, then I’m going to roger your dad rotten on the kitchen counter, tape it all, force you to watch it and then boil your fucking dog in Pepto-Bismol. And if you think for a second I won’t do it, you’re going to find an article in the newspaper stating that the world record for the world’s largest shit has been broken and it was broken upon your bed. I dare you to doubt me, I fucking dare you!
If you feel that I haven\'t covered something them please feel free to mail me at Reviewthisstory@Hank_is_our.god
You fuckers still aren’t writing properly, so it’s high time I’ve strapped on my cowboy guns to do some cowboy shootin’. I only ask that you come into this fantasy world of mine for a moment if you will. Now look up. See all those wonderful lights? Don’t these colors taste awesome? This should get you into the mood for the godly write I shall induce upon you. Today’s topics are as followed: Sex with Machines and other paraphernalia that use batteries, Cat/Bunny girls n’ boys, Shouta, Ghost Busters, Bands you love too much, More Incest, and once again Harry Potter.
We are going to start off this lesson’s topic by discussing what would happen if you gave someone ears and sent in another person, preferably with a penis, to fuck the living hell out of this so called person with ears. So without further a due and other long-winded sentences stalling for time, I give you, people, with, ears.
1: People With Ears and The Machines That Run Them!
For this little ditty people usually use some sort of bunny chick or cat-girl that you can find in almost any anime romance or sci-fi. But we want something new and along the lines of fresh, like a new shirt from Wal-Mart. Yeah every one knows that smell. So we’re using a guy with ears, a lot like the one from FLCL (Fooly Cooly), in fact we are using him. His name is Naota and as usual I’m going to kill two birds with one stone here because his partner in hot sweaty sex action is going to be the robot Canti. Now remember back a few pages when I said that conventional pairings could shampoo my crotch for all I cared? Well that’s still in effect.
Now here are two things, Naota whom has ears of some sort, and Canti a big fucking robot with an eighteen valve, nuclear powered, atomic wang. This thing will end up Naota’s ass at some point and in positions you thought only possible in Circe De Sole, but first we have to butter up the audience a little. How do we do this again? By ripping every one out of character, making them gay, and do things for unexplained reasons.
Canti will come up to Naota at some point and stroke Naota’s ears. BUT THEY WON’T FUCK RIGHT AWAY! This will go on for several days until something happens somewhere and they end up in a secluded area, or some sort of giant cat basket that crash-landed from space. Naota will start purring after getting his ears stroked because for unexplained reasons they are now far more sensitive then any other part of his body, even to the point of blowing his load from one good petting. Anyways, at some point you’re going to find out that Canti has some sort of fetish for stroking ears and that’s probably the reason so many cats have gone missing lately. Arched back, robotic movements, and a little bit of anal leakage later, you’ve got yourself yet another masterpiece.
If for some reason you decide to beat that dead horse just a little more and use women, at least try an spice it up with some witty lines like, “I may look like a cute little kitty, but this is one wild pussy.”
NEXT!
2: Shouta (Or a Perverts Paradise)
Now you may want to ask yourself what the difference between being a Shouta writer and a pedophile may be, well let me enlighten you. A Shouta writer is an eighteen year old fan girl that thinks an old man/underage boy pairing is the most adorable thing in the known universe, while a pedophile is a sixty year old man that sees it exactly the same way, but tries to ‘live the dream’ if you will. Also the pedophile may have some eight-year-old boys underwear, where as the fan girl won’t.
In order to write the most bitchin’ shouta fan fiction you must dive into the earliest childhood memories and remember what it was like to be a small boy around larger men. If you’re a fan girl, which you are, then this remembrance becomes distorted because the fan girl was never a small boy, unless they didn’t get boobs until they were sixteen. But a boy’s childhood in the eyes of a fan girl becomes that of the steady images of the boy being pressed up against walls and between rugged sailors. So how do we start off our fic with all this in mind? Well, let’s pick something for all the fan girls out there. The Ouran High School Host Club with our main character being Honey. And while I’m at I’m going to cross it over with Fruits Basket and throw Momiji into the mix, and since I’ve already told you how to make a proper cross over, we’re going to cross it one more time with something that by all rights doesn’t make sense but is in the end, undeniably artistic. From the author David Eddings we bring in our older man, Belgarath the Sorcerer. He’s about 7000 years old so I feel he covers the older man role quite well.
Anyways, both Honey and Momiji are running around in all their fan girl cuteness, probably dressed like magic girls, until one day they come across the powerful sorcerer Belgarath. Things happen and he take them on as his apprentices, but soon he grows quite fond of them and amongst the wild they start snuggling close, too close, in their tent until low and behold the ultimate taboo happens. Since I personally don’t enjoy wrinkly old guy sex I’ll leave the images up to you to describe, but I shall note this now and your eyes better be well checked, because the information I’m about to give you is the key to fucking everything. You see Honey and Momiji are orphans and ‘he felt sorry for them both.’ Yes that’s right. This always comes out of pity for the lonely children and is never in anyway prompted by the older man. Nothing says, ‘I feel sorry for these kids,’ then luring them into a tent and ravishing them in every way imaginable.
I can hear you now. “But Hank! You just said that the old man never prompts it! Have my eyes gone insane!? Is your endless incoherency and lack of knowledge only exceeded by your unquenchable thirst for your own urine? What the hell Hank!? What the hell!?”
And I say, “It seems that way doesn’t it! But fear not, for I know everything! Even your bank account number! And your secret recipe!”
You see upon a closer inspection into the taboo tent of man on boy sex, we find that it was actually Honey and Momiji who came onto Belgarath first!
This is when you say, “Holy cat shit Hank! You’re a fucking genius! If I write the fanfic like that then not only will it make the little boys seem devilishly cute, but the older guy won’t come off as some crusty old pedophile.” Don’t worry; the ‘I (Heart) Hank’ shirts will be up for sale soon.
NEXT!
3: Ghostbusters
And we’re not talking about the dudes from the 80’s, though Bill Murray was quite hilarious. Ghostbusters, ghostbusters. What could I mean if I’m not talking about the perfect setup for a four-guy orgy and a green ghost composed of ghostly lubricant? Well, as cool as that sounds I’m going to just keep it simple for you pin-dicks. Ghost sex, it happens all that time, it’s a natural process and it for people trying to keep a gothy fic but without vampires.
Let’s take an alternate universe Phantom of The Opera where the guy is actually a phantom. “In sleep he sang to me. In dreams he came.” What can you deduce from this small snippet of lyrics? Well, lets go back first and remind ourselves of what I’ve been hammering into your head since page one. Man sex = Awesome. That wasn’t the chick singing those lyrics, it was a dude, and what dude you ask? Why none other then the lighting technician. Who else!? (This lighting technician just so happens to be you, thus turning this into a clever self-insertion.) Think about all the dirty rape scenes you can play with when having a ghost to play around with. Did you not watch Hollow Man!? Imagine if you will, being slammed against a wall by an invisible force, lifted ten feet up, and have the feeling of something supernatural have it’s way with your vulnerable/excited body. Put a middle in there somewhere and an ending proclaiming love for one another in there, get the stage crew involved and call it Phantom of The Orgy. You’ll be a hit I swear.
NEXT!
4: Band You Love Too Much
Ever listened to a band and said, “That’s me. That’s how I feel.” And then have you watch a music video and said, “I wouldn’t exactly be offended to watch these guys go at it. You see out in this world there are people that become obsessed with other people. Good Charlotte is a great example. To me they are just N’Sync, but with rub on hate tattoos, whilst to others they are an undeniable sexual fantasy.
I can just see the guys from Metallica now. “Hey Lars, how about you shake those sweet cakes over here and let me slam that ass.” I suppose in turn you could also use celebrities and actors for this as well, because seriously, if you are a living, breathing land mammal, then you want nothing more then to watch Greenday, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nighwish, and Brad Pitt go the hell at it in a superstar orgy of man sex. Get the guys from Brokeback Mountain in there; they can tie up Brad Pitt with a cute little pink lasso and get one of those purple magic wands you can use to electrocute people’s nipples. Then while that’s going on you can get a shouta going on with Hulk Hogan and ‘all the little hulkamaniacs.’ I suppose leaving Vinny Jones out of a three way between Vin Diesel, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Swatzenager, would just seem too cruel, but treat him to a piece of Tom Cruise. Oh! Then Johnny Knoxville and Bam can do the wild bum fuck on a skateboard ramp while Tom Petty, David Bowie and Mick Jagger all do a solo until Billy Idol comes in, does the rebel yell and fucks everything that moves. Devo can then find love in A Flock of Seagulls, only to find out that A Flock of Seagulls has been having an affair with Twisted Sister AND Van Halen at the same time. Then out of no where Billy Joel is walking, walking in the middle of the night claiming that he didn’t start the fire, only then to find the Bee Gees and become incredibly horny upon seeing the tight pants.
Fun fact. I fucking love myself.
NEXT!
5: More Incest in The World Of Harry Potter!
Who could Harry possibly screw that is related to him? NO ONE YOU FOOLS! NOT EVERY HARRY POTTER FIC IS ABOUT HARRY POTTER! We are diving into the world of twincest along with a little bonus.
Fred and George are completely identical, they finish each others sentences, and if they are the same then they know exactly what the other wants. Oh, how the love gravy will splatter the walls with love!
Fred and George are going about their daily fuckfest, when suddenly someone shows up with an armload of laundry. Eagad! It’s their mother. She sees the action in motion and then things get out of hand. After much convincing and persuading she joins in on the action adding the element of milf to the equation. They DP her, They ATM her, donkey punch, peekaboo, slobber knocker, dirty Sanchez, fist, DA, DV, throat fuck, tit fuck, piss, poo, fart, yiff, cream pie, and finish her off with a good old fashion two man sloppy bukake.
It is grade school science that twins screw, scientific fact I tell you. So why not push if further and indulge upon the family. This is why the Weasly family never takes vacations, because going to Ginny’s bed is the equivalent to a bumpy six-hour flight through a hurricane of orgasmic fire for your crotch. It just makes sense not to waste ones money.
Anyways, there are some ideas for you hopeless leeches. I better start receiving some better material from you assholes, because the stuff I’ve been reading I can honestly say my dick’s got more taste then some of that crap out there. If I seen any FF7 Vincent and Hojo fics out there I’m going to personally come to your house, fuck your mom, fuck your cat, fuck your goldfish if you’ve got one, then I’m going to roger your dad rotten on the kitchen counter, tape it all, force you to watch it and then boil your fucking dog in Pepto-Bismol. And if you think for a second I won’t do it, you’re going to find an article in the newspaper stating that the world record for the world’s largest shit has been broken and it was broken upon your bed. I dare you to doubt me, I fucking dare you!
If you feel that I haven\'t covered something them please feel free to mail me at Reviewthisstory@Hank_is_our.god